I've been reading and mulling over whether to share my own situation as estranger. Truth is my parents are long dead and I haven't thought about it much in recent years so I've taken a little time remembering and thinking about it.
My mum had serious mental health problems to the extent she was regularly institutionalised and dangerous. I was taken away from her for a couple of years for my own safety. By then my family literally feared for my life and sent me to another relative. She also abused me sometimes, but less so.
I never estranged from mum but learned when to avoid her for long periods depending on how scary she was. I went through long spells of anger, mainly at other people for not protecting me better when they knew how ill she was, but sometimes at her too.
I felt guilt when I did keep my distance even though it was for my own safety, and I obviously had to keep my children safe, but I think the guilt was really a symptom of the fact I couldn't help being angry but felt bad about it. Eventually, I was able to split my anger at her illness away from my anger at her and continued with sporadic contact where I felt able to be supportive.
I was often angry at a sibling who learned to manipulate mum and would deliberately get me beaten. I am estranged from him but made no formal decision to do so - we just drifted apart and even as an adult if I disagreed with anything he said he would threaten to smash my windows in, slash my tyres etc. He never lost his anger. I have no guilt there.
I also drifted apart from the relative who looked after me for a while, but we are now very close. She had counselling before we talked at length. We now both know she was as much a victim of our upbringing as me.
My father was a drunk who turned a blind eye and occasionally lashed out. I put up with a lot from him but made the decision to estrange from him when he spoke about his grandchildren and made it clear the statement did not include my children and put the desire to enjoy his growly dogs above the wellbeing of my kids when we visited. I felt no guilt about that, but when he got old, his wife contacted me and said how much our estrangement hurt him. I visited him and saw him for the sad broken man he was. There was no joy in it for me but no real pain either. He'd never been a father. I didn't go to his funeral.
I never abused nor neglected the son who estranged me. But I often think I must have overcompensated for my upbringing and that might be the way I failed as a mother. He has accused me of things I absolutely know, and others know, are untrue, but in a very general way. It took years before he gave me a reason at all, and that reason has changed since he did. If anyone disagrees with his way of thinking he estranges them. So I feel guilt at being the estranged one as I don't really know why it has happened but still often think I must be to blame. Other times I remember I always did my absolute best and genuinely didn't do the things he suggests. I've asked him to tell me about any single incident that hurt him and tell me how I can make ammends. He never has.
My half-sister was abused and abandoned by her mother. She was permanently injured and spent many years in care. She estranged herself for some time but eventually made peace, saying that her mother was young and couldn't cope. She sat with her mother and cared for her while she was dying. A process that took a few days, was really difficult, and incidentally very messy. My sister says it comforts her to know she could forgive and didn't let her mum die alone.
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