Should I send my estranged daughter a birthday card …

I'd keep sending a card if I were in your situation....Its your daughter and even if she doesn't want contact with you deep in heart she loves you as you do her....Nothing to gushy...Just a simple card to let her know you are thinking of her on her birthday....Wish things were different for you DIBBYDOD....

Hi Dibbydod I do remember you posting about this before and am sorry that nothing has changed.

For me, what's important in this situation is how sending cards and getting no response or acknowledgement, affects you.

If this continues to upset you and increase the pain of your estrangement, then for your own sake stop. If you wish to continue choose a card with a simple message and just add 'love mum'. Having done all that you have already, I don't think there's any need to say more.

We have never sent cards to our ES since he estranged us but for about 7 years sent cards to our GC. We took the decision to stop when for us the time was right.

Now the cards we buy go into a memory box so one day, most probably when we're no longer here, they'll have the opportunity to read them if they want too, and know that although they never knew us, we never forgot them.

We have been able to move and be happy with our lives. It's not been easy and of course the pain never goes away completely, but we owe it to ourselves and those who are in our lives to make the best life we can without the one who has estranged us.

Thank you all for your replies it helps a lot . crazyh. no , she doesn’t have any children she is very career minded , which I’m glad of because no doubt I’d have ended up not seeming GC either .
Maw I think your suggestion sounds good . I did buy a card for her last week without Daughter on it , but didn’t know if that were the right thing to send . Think I’ll go with just a plain card as Mawthe Merrier suggested .

I agree with Mawthemerrier - just keep it simple, but do send one.

I think I would continue to send cards but just don’t expect her to acknowledge them. That way you keep communication open if she wants a way back in. It is very upsetting and I feel for you but if it was me I would move on and be happy with the life I’ve got without her in it. ?

Maw's suggestion sounds perfect; shows you're thinking of her but putting no pressure on.

I do feel for you and while I am not in your situation, I might be able to imagine that the more emotional input into a card -personalised to “Daughter”, the poem etc, the more hurt you feel at its rejection.
I would send a card - nothing too sentimental, no verse , no “Daughter” printed on the front, perhaps just a nice Art card with flowers and inside, something sincere and loving but not OTT.
Perhaps something along the lines of
“Thinking of you and always here for you, if ever you need me”
“All my love, Mum “
but that’s just me.
Good luck

I think you should, nothing ventured nothing gained. I know you are hurting because your birthday was forgotten/ignored, but in years to come she may relent and knowing you have always sent her cards will be in your favour.
As you are aware there is no quick fix, but little communications over the years will keep the bridges open. Sorry for so many metaphors but they just seemed to fit.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Has daughter asked for no contact? If she has asked for you to stop sending things she may view continuing to do so as not respecting her and it might be best to stop.

If she hasn't asked you to stop I don't think there is a right or wrong choice.

You have to weigh up whether sending a card that is ignored will hurt more than regretting not sending one.

If you do send anything, make sure it is focused on her and her birthday and you don't bring your feelings up as she may view it as a guilt trip.

Honestly though, in general I think it is better to contact estranged children at random times and avoid special occasions. Recieving something on a special occasion might put a dampner on the day and bring up thoughts about your situation together on what should be a happy day. She may then blame you for those negative feelings.

This could also be achieved by sending a birthday card a week in advance so it doesn't arrive on the day itself.

I hope that helps you

I wouldn't. After my son sent his and second son's birthday cards and birth card and presents for my new grandson back 2 years next month all unopened and a vile letter . I haven't sent any birthday, Christmas or Easter cards or presents. Nor I received anything from him .

He hurt me so much sending everything back. I couldn't understand why he did that and how spiteful it was to his sons.

But you must do what makes you happy.

Please send her a card Dibbydod. Whenever, there has been an issue with any of my children, I always make the first move.
And, it has always worked. I never give up, because I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing my grandchildren. Does your daughter have a child ?
The point is, you have nothing to lose. Btw, why did you and your daughter fall-out? You don’t have to say if you don’t want to. Good luck Dibbydod