Should I send my estranged daughter a birthday card …

Please send her a card Dibbydod. Whenever, there has been an issue with any of my children, I always make the first move.
And, it has always worked. I never give up, because I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing my grandchildren. Does your daughter have a child ?
The point is, you have nothing to lose. Btw, why did you and your daughter fall-out? You don’t have to say if you don’t want to. Good luck Dibbydod

I wouldn't. After my son sent his and second son's birthday cards and birth card and presents for my new grandson back 2 years next month all unopened and a vile letter . I haven't sent any birthday, Christmas or Easter cards or presents. Nor I received anything from him .

He hurt me so much sending everything back. I couldn't understand why he did that and how spiteful it was to his sons.

But you must do what makes you happy.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Has daughter asked for no contact? If she has asked for you to stop sending things she may view continuing to do so as not respecting her and it might be best to stop.

If she hasn't asked you to stop I don't think there is a right or wrong choice.

You have to weigh up whether sending a card that is ignored will hurt more than regretting not sending one.

If you do send anything, make sure it is focused on her and her birthday and you don't bring your feelings up as she may view it as a guilt trip.

Honestly though, in general I think it is better to contact estranged children at random times and avoid special occasions. Recieving something on a special occasion might put a dampner on the day and bring up thoughts about your situation together on what should be a happy day. She may then blame you for those negative feelings.

This could also be achieved by sending a birthday card a week in advance so it doesn't arrive on the day itself.

I hope that helps you

I think you should, nothing ventured nothing gained. I know you are hurting because your birthday was forgotten/ignored, but in years to come she may relent and knowing you have always sent her cards will be in your favour.
As you are aware there is no quick fix, but little communications over the years will keep the bridges open. Sorry for so many metaphors but they just seemed to fit.

I do feel for you and while I am not in your situation, I might be able to imagine that the more emotional input into a card -personalised to “Daughter”, the poem etc, the more hurt you feel at its rejection.
I would send a card - nothing too sentimental, no verse , no “Daughter” printed on the front, perhaps just a nice Art card with flowers and inside, something sincere and loving but not OTT.
Perhaps something along the lines of
“Thinking of you and always here for you, if ever you need me”
“All my love, Mum “
but that’s just me.
Good luck

Maw's suggestion sounds perfect; shows you're thinking of her but putting no pressure on.

I think I would continue to send cards but just don’t expect her to acknowledge them. That way you keep communication open if she wants a way back in. It is very upsetting and I feel for you but if it was me I would move on and be happy with the life I’ve got without her in it. ?

I agree with Mawthemerrier - just keep it simple, but do send one.

Thank you all for your replies it helps a lot . crazyh. no , she doesn’t have any children she is very career minded , which I’m glad of because no doubt I’d have ended up not seeming GC either .
Maw I think your suggestion sounds good . I did buy a card for her last week without Daughter on it , but didn’t know if that were the right thing to send . Think I’ll go with just a plain card as Mawthe Merrier suggested .

Hi Dibbydod I do remember you posting about this before and am sorry that nothing has changed.

For me, what's important in this situation is how sending cards and getting no response or acknowledgement, affects you.

If this continues to upset you and increase the pain of your estrangement, then for your own sake stop. If you wish to continue choose a card with a simple message and just add 'love mum'. Having done all that you have already, I don't think there's any need to say more.

We have never sent cards to our ES since he estranged us but for about 7 years sent cards to our GC. We took the decision to stop when for us the time was right.

Now the cards we buy go into a memory box so one day, most probably when we're no longer here, they'll have the opportunity to read them if they want too, and know that although they never knew us, we never forgot them.

We have been able to move and be happy with our lives. It's not been easy and of course the pain never goes away completely, but we owe it to ourselves and those who are in our lives to make the best life we can without the one who has estranged us.

I'd keep sending a card if I were in your situation....Its your daughter and even if she doesn't want contact with you deep in heart she loves you as you do her....Nothing to gushy...Just a simple card to let her know you are thinking of her on her birthday....Wish things were different for you DIBBYDOD....

Send her a card tell her you're thinking of her always. I don't think any more than that will help. Don't know what has gone on before but it sounds like she (rightly or wrongly) thinks you've upset her or done the wrong thing. Good luck, hope it gets resolved one day as life's just too short

I would continue. She estranged me. Nothing sentimental but I I have daughter on the front. Love mom inside. She will always be my daughter even if I don’t see her again. I can also see why those decide not to.it’s what feels right for you.

I suppose I feel that after the past two years or more I’ve sent her birthday / Christmas cards and I've put lovely heartfelt messages inside , once on 3 separate pieces of paper saying that I’m so sorry if I’ve offended/upset her (even though I feel that this is not my fault ) and that could we put it all behind us and move on and that my door is always open . Then this year she didn’t acknowledge Mothers Day and the big crunch came when she ignored my milestone birthday couple weeks ago .
I did hope upon hope that she would come round and prayed that she would call around to see me on my birthday , but alas , nothing .
I’d decided then to give up on her , accept things , get on with my life and leave her well alone , as I suppose her actions finally really hit home hard that she really didn’t want anything to do with me , I feel she must dislike me , big time.
I know in my heart of hearts that I’ve been a good mother, I’ve done my utmost best for both my children , I’m not a bad person , I been well brought up , my son / grandchildren are absolutely just fine with me , I have friends , I have quite a good social life with hobbies that I really enjoy . All this started not long after I’d lost my long term partner (22 yeard ) , which has been twice as hard .
When I told my friend what I’d decided , she said that if I were not to send any more cards then I’d regret it as I couldn’t then change my mind and send a Christmas card ect ect , as then it be too late . So, what with everything, that’s why I felt I needed Gransnetters opinions as I’m at a loss as to know what to do .

If it helps, my ex husband estranged my adult daughter and adult son for 10 years, with no reason given.

My daughter wanted to try and leave the door open, so every birthday and Fathers Day, she sent cards. Fairly bland cards, just signed by her. Every Christmas she sent a card, with a photo of the grandchildren in.

For 10 years, she had no response whatsoever, but then he contacted her and they are back in touch.

So, I would do what makes you feel better.

You can't read her mind, and she has the choice as to what to do with the cards.

Best wishes. ?

10 years, bless her heart for staying patient for so long DL.

I don't agree that if you take the decision to stop, you wouldn't be able to change your mind Dibbydod of course you could.

Whatever you decide, do it for yourself and not your D.

Hi Dibbydod, bless you for still trying... I'm ten years into estrangement from my mum. I love her and am so grateful to her. I wish I'd have been like you and sent the odd card. The knock on affects on my daughter and, her family, I never, bargained for. I should be the one looking after her now and making sure she is OK but I could not take the abuse anymore. I may gave deserved it none the less and at end of the day she is, still my mum. I pray you and your daughter will be reunitedxxx

When I was alot younger I was estranged from my mother. She never sent anything and ignored her 4 Grandchildren completely. It made me more determined to not give in.
Keep sending the cards

What violetsky said

I want to add: watch out with your expectations she changes her mind and contacts you again
It may happen or not.
I would look at the mental and health cost on your end of keeping the hopes up for an event that may never happen

I was estranged from my parents for 20 years because of their behaviour towards me, they did not want to speak about the situation nor apologise for their treatment.

However, they would send cards occasionally which made me angry as it seemed to me that they thought the odd birthday card would wipe out the past and assume that I had got over it.

I am not saying this applies to anyone else, all estrangements are for different reasons, and the people involved have different personalities.

I would say though if someone has said they want no contact then their wishes should be respected.

So strange how things work out . After a lot of thought I’d decided to put this post on here , then this very afternoon I’d popped to the local shop and who should be in the shop at same time were my ED partner . I’d always got on well with her partner in the 26 years they been together . I’d not seen her partner since this estrangement happened over 2 years ago . When I’d got back to my car , I decided to wait till she left the shop , feeling a pack of nerves as to what to say …when she did finally walk out the shop I called her by her name to say “ hi “ …she knew I were there ,she glanced over and carried on walking away , snubbing me . Now , that hurt me badly . Now that bit of time has gone by , I now feel angry that I got treated like that . I’d always been a good friend to her . So, things have changed slightly and I now feel I need to put the whole experience behind me and get on with my life . I find it really hard to deal with all the hurt . Sorry for what I’m posting on here but feel can’t talk to friends , but only couple friends know as I keep it all to myself as deep down I feel “ embarrassed “ that my own flesh & blood could do this to me . Thank you for listening x

Ps, sorry to hear all bout your stories of estrangement , I feel for you all ?

You don't have to apologise for what you've posted Dibbydod, please don't think that you do.

FWIW I think it's good that you now feel you have to put the whole experience behind you, despite the unpleasant incident that brought you to that conclusion.

Sometimes we need to be angry to find the strength and the courage to do what must be done.

From 'Dead Babies and Seaside Towns' by Alice Jolly
"All who live should rage. People who are angry get up int the morning, people who are sad sometimes don't."

Well, as rude and unpleasant as your daughter's ex partner was today Dibbydod, she's actually been useful in helping you to come to a decision hasn't she. You've nothing to feel embarrassed about; millions of others are also keeping their silence too, for fear of stigma and judgement. Put it all behind you, as much as you can.