Should I send my estranged daughter a birthday card …

Third Zombie Thread today.

Oh thank you.

I suppose it will still help someone.
Fingers crossed!

zombie thread

StTrinians

Thanks.

reported

I am deeply sorry that you are so missing your daughter but you are fortunate that have a family and friends. Cherish the ones that you can.
I hope you are finding love and peace elsewhere.

Chewbacca

Maw's suggestion sounds perfect; shows you're thinking of her but putting no pressure on.

I agree. Tbh my heart goes out to all families finding themselves is this situation, whether there is blame or fault, it’s heartbreaking.

I would do as Maw suggested and send an ordinary card.

You never know, one day something might happen in her life to make her realize how much she is missing out. Don't give up. This rejection must be very hard to bear.

I would do as Maw says but might write even less.
A card with "daughter" on - or words/poems would be a no-no (and arguably triggering).

I'd probably just say "thinking of you, love, Mum"

Thanks.

Smileless2012

You don't have to apologise for what you've posted Dibbydod, please don't think that you do.

FWIW I think it's good that you now feel you have to put the whole experience behind you, despite the unpleasant incident that brought you to that conclusion.

Sometimes we need to be angry to find the strength and the courage to do what must be done.

From 'Dead Babies and Seaside Towns' by Alice Jolly
"All who live should rage. People who are angry get up int the morning, people who are sad sometimes don't."

Thank you smileless 2012 I agree with what you say . I’ll sleep on it , tomorrows another day .

Maybe daughters partner just felt awkward or embarassed.

But definitely a good thing if you feel a bit stronger

Well, as rude and unpleasant as your daughter's ex partner was today Dibbydod, she's actually been useful in helping you to come to a decision hasn't she. You've nothing to feel embarrassed about; millions of others are also keeping their silence too, for fear of stigma and judgement. Put it all behind you, as much as you can.

You don't have to apologise for what you've posted Dibbydod, please don't think that you do.

FWIW I think it's good that you now feel you have to put the whole experience behind you, despite the unpleasant incident that brought you to that conclusion.

Sometimes we need to be angry to find the strength and the courage to do what must be done.

From 'Dead Babies and Seaside Towns' by Alice Jolly
"All who live should rage. People who are angry get up int the morning, people who are sad sometimes don't."

Ps, sorry to hear all bout your stories of estrangement , I feel for you all ?

So strange how things work out . After a lot of thought I’d decided to put this post on here , then this very afternoon I’d popped to the local shop and who should be in the shop at same time were my ED partner . I’d always got on well with her partner in the 26 years they been together . I’d not seen her partner since this estrangement happened over 2 years ago . When I’d got back to my car , I decided to wait till she left the shop , feeling a pack of nerves as to what to say …when she did finally walk out the shop I called her by her name to say “ hi “ …she knew I were there ,she glanced over and carried on walking away , snubbing me . Now , that hurt me badly . Now that bit of time has gone by , I now feel angry that I got treated like that . I’d always been a good friend to her . So, things have changed slightly and I now feel I need to put the whole experience behind me and get on with my life . I find it really hard to deal with all the hurt . Sorry for what I’m posting on here but feel can’t talk to friends , but only couple friends know as I keep it all to myself as deep down I feel “ embarrassed “ that my own flesh & blood could do this to me . Thank you for listening x

I was estranged from my parents for 20 years because of their behaviour towards me, they did not want to speak about the situation nor apologise for their treatment.

However, they would send cards occasionally which made me angry as it seemed to me that they thought the odd birthday card would wipe out the past and assume that I had got over it.

I am not saying this applies to anyone else, all estrangements are for different reasons, and the people involved have different personalities.

I would say though if someone has said they want no contact then their wishes should be respected.

What violetsky said

I want to add: watch out with your expectations she changes her mind and contacts you again
It may happen or not.
I would look at the mental and health cost on your end of keeping the hopes up for an event that may never happen

When I was alot younger I was estranged from my mother. She never sent anything and ignored her 4 Grandchildren completely. It made me more determined to not give in.
Keep sending the cards

Hi Dibbydod, bless you for still trying... I'm ten years into estrangement from my mum. I love her and am so grateful to her. I wish I'd have been like you and sent the odd card. The knock on affects on my daughter and, her family, I never, bargained for. I should be the one looking after her now and making sure she is OK but I could not take the abuse anymore. I may gave deserved it none the less and at end of the day she is, still my mum. I pray you and your daughter will be reunitedxxx

10 years, bless her heart for staying patient for so long DL.

I don't agree that if you take the decision to stop, you wouldn't be able to change your mind Dibbydod of course you could.

Whatever you decide, do it for yourself and not your D.

If it helps, my ex husband estranged my adult daughter and adult son for 10 years, with no reason given.

My daughter wanted to try and leave the door open, so every birthday and Fathers Day, she sent cards. Fairly bland cards, just signed by her. Every Christmas she sent a card, with a photo of the grandchildren in.

For 10 years, she had no response whatsoever, but then he contacted her and they are back in touch.

So, I would do what makes you feel better.

You can't read her mind, and she has the choice as to what to do with the cards.

Best wishes. ?

I suppose I feel that after the past two years or more I’ve sent her birthday / Christmas cards and I've put lovely heartfelt messages inside , once on 3 separate pieces of paper saying that I’m so sorry if I’ve offended/upset her (even though I feel that this is not my fault ) and that could we put it all behind us and move on and that my door is always open . Then this year she didn’t acknowledge Mothers Day and the big crunch came when she ignored my milestone birthday couple weeks ago .
I did hope upon hope that she would come round and prayed that she would call around to see me on my birthday , but alas , nothing .
I’d decided then to give up on her , accept things , get on with my life and leave her well alone , as I suppose her actions finally really hit home hard that she really didn’t want anything to do with me , I feel she must dislike me , big time.
I know in my heart of hearts that I’ve been a good mother, I’ve done my utmost best for both my children , I’m not a bad person , I been well brought up , my son / grandchildren are absolutely just fine with me , I have friends , I have quite a good social life with hobbies that I really enjoy . All this started not long after I’d lost my long term partner (22 yeard ) , which has been twice as hard .
When I told my friend what I’d decided , she said that if I were not to send any more cards then I’d regret it as I couldn’t then change my mind and send a Christmas card ect ect , as then it be too late . So, what with everything, that’s why I felt I needed Gransnetters opinions as I’m at a loss as to know what to do .

I would continue. She estranged me. Nothing sentimental but I I have daughter on the front. Love mom inside. She will always be my daughter even if I don’t see her again. I can also see why those decide not to.it’s what feels right for you.

Send her a card tell her you're thinking of her always. I don't think any more than that will help. Don't know what has gone on before but it sounds like she (rightly or wrongly) thinks you've upset her or done the wrong thing. Good luck, hope it gets resolved one day as life's just too short