6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

Good for her Kate.

Your D will probably be more upset about her weight gain than anyone else Chestnut so unless she wants to talk about it, say nothing and then when/if she does, you'll be able to give her all the love, help and support she'll need.

I think for me personally I would add to this list, Don't make your children carry your burdens

My children don't need to know everything about me. They don't need to carry any of my pain. While I can teach them about what we should or shouldn't accept about relationships with others or how to get help if something does happen, I don't have to give them examples of where I learnt that. I need to be strong for them.

I'd also add Don't let your mental health negatively impact theirs

Having suffered depression and anxiety, it's still important that children get to experience things in childhood, take risks, climb trees etc.. They also need to know being depressed or anxious, isn't a crime, many face both of these at some point in their lifetimes and it is OK to get help and be honest about it.

Kate1949

Yes of course Lily.

Chestnut. Our daughter put on A LOT of weight a few years ago. My husband kept telling me to 'tell her'. Did he think she didn't know she was overweight? She subsequently lost four and a half stone by herself with willpower alone and me not 'telling her'. She went from. size 18 to size 10. A fantastic achievement.

That's amazing Kate1949 but I don't think many can manage that kind of weight loss. It requires a mental overhaul and a reason to lose weight.

VioletSky She deserves to love herself.
I'm not sure anyone who has gained 3 stone (possibly more) is going to love themselves, knowing where they are compared to where they were. That is the problem. My concern is her mental health, as I feel she has given up and can't find the motivation. I'd like to help her believe it's possible and believe in herself, but the whole weight issue is such a delicate subject.

I stand by that Chestnut she needs to love herself as she is, understand that her body is still amazing and capable of amazing things...

Then she can decide what she wants that body to look like

It's a very difficult and delicate situation Chestnut I wish I had some advice to offer but I really do think you have to wait for her to broach the subject with you.

In the meantime, think about anything no matter how small that she may have alluded too, perhaps before the lock down which might now offer a clue as to what has led to this.

VioletSky I can't agree that she should love her obese body, or she will never find the motivation to lose weight. She needs to hate herself as she is!

Smileless2012 Thanks for the kind words. I know what has led to the weight gain but changing her life would be extremely difficult if not impossible. She has to believe in herself and her ability to lose weight, and I long to help her do that.

That makes me deeply uncomfortable..

I put on a lot of weight after being treated for an illness...

I did hate my body, the illness damaged my muscles and joints and then weight gain as a side effect of recovery...

What worked for me was improving my mental health and loving what my body could still do despite damage from illness and weight gain... the weight gained came off again.

I'm still not my skinniest as an adult but I'm still losing weight because I am happy

Our daughter was overweight on her wedding day. She said she felt so much pressure lose weight for the day that she went the opposite way.

Chestnut it must be worrying the weight your d has put on, so damaging to her health, but of course you’re right in not saying anything. As an intelligent young woman, she knows the risks and has shown she can lose the weight when ready.
I would think most families have tensions it's how you resolve them. One child you could say move that dirty plate off the floor, they would do it, joking you don’t miss anything Mom, the other would say , you’re always getting at me, you move the plate if it’s bothering you so much. Two different reactions. It is hard dealing with very over sensitive people.
Respect each other and talk about things before they become problems is tge right way. Even then you can get it wrong.

@Chestnut
I don’t think anyone needs to hate themselves to make changes. Negative reinforcement tends to have to opposite effect of facilitating change.

Perhaps this is a reason you should probably not broach the subject with her. She lives in her body so she is well aware of her weight gain. She doesn’t need someone encouraging her to hate herself in order to lose weight. She would benefit from a much more positive approach.

To add, it can be quite psychologically damaging to have negative reinforcement as a means “motivation”. Such interactions can very well lead to an estrangement.

@Chestnut, I can sympathise with you and your daughter but I don’t like the way you say she should hate herself as she is. That is so negative. I have two medical conditions that cause weight gain and, if l were not careful most of the time, I would be stones heavier than that am now. As it is, I will never be the ideal shape or weight. Should I hate myself? Please don’t mention it to her - she is very well aware of the problem. If she has mental health issues, weight gain is often a side effect, unfortunately. I agree with Smileless - your daughter needs love and acceptance more now than ever. I would imagine by the way you have written here that you have made your disapproval extremely clear even if you have not said anything. Also, we do not need to be size 10 to look good. If she is wearing a nice outfit one day that really suits her, please tell her. She needs compliments now far more than when she was slimmer. If you show her that you accept her and love her as she is, then she may very well open up to you about her feelings on the matter. Then you will be able to make suggestions and help her.

I can tell how much you want to help her Chestnut and I hope that knowing what'sled to her weight gain will assist you in helping her.

Stiller I would never encourage her to hate herself for being obese, but I wouldn't encourage her to love her obesity. You would never put the idea into someone's head that they should hate themselves, but they need to hate the fat. I would not tell them to do that, they need to decide that for themselves. I would encourage her to believe in herself and her ability to lose the weight.

VioletSky I'm sorry to hear you had weight gain linked with your illness, which must have been very difficult. But that is very different to someone who is otherwise fit and healthy, but who may in the future suffer ill health as a consequence of obesity.

Chestnut

Just bare in mind your daughter knows you very well and even if not spoken she may sense your thoughts and disapproval.

I hope for her sake you can you hide it well...

I've never been a person who can hide what I think, luckily I don't often think anything negative

Whoah! Some big suppositions here! I have not 'made it clear I disapprove of her weight gain' at all. I have not shown her anything but love and acceptance. People are jumping to all sorts of conclusions. I have not said anything to her, or indicated I disapprove in any way. We have not discussed her weight, and as I have said, I would not tell her to hate herself!

I just managed a cartwheel in the garden, one of my AC is trying to learn to walk on his hands...

Things like that prove to me I'm getting healthier, not my weight

Summerlove

Why is this suddenly a child bashing thread?

I'm not sure it is?

My observation would be that I have seen those 6 tensions and many others mentioned on GN .....directed at ACs/EACs by their parents and directed at Parents/EPs by their AC. The article may have been written as tensions caused by parents for AC and that is fine in itself. But it seems inevitable that people's experiences and reading on GN will bring in the the possibility of the same tensions being instigated the other way round. That is not child bashing, its just people pointing out the similarity in their own experience, experience of people they know or seen on GNet!

It's not in the interest of bashing anyone

It's in the interest of positive relationships

I have children and now possibly 2 future DILs lol

Well I did ask Summerlove what made her think this thread was about child bashing, but she hasn't come back.

It's not in the interest of bashing anyone

I hope my comment didn't come over as "bashing"

It's in the interest of positive relationships|

Hurray!

I have children and now possibly 2 future DILs lol

How lovely!

I think one of the things on a healing journey is to be able to recognise that everything isn't about us or even anything to do with us at all.

We have had a lot of conversation about the things we can say to avoid upsetting and invalidating others...

Maybe now the question is how we can stop upsetting or invalidating ourselves

My comment about hoping my comment did not come over as bashing was nothing to do with thinking "everything was about me" ...just in case you thought it was (but of course that could also be interpreted as me thinking everything is about me, which I certainly don't!) And I believe that generally on GN my posts evidence that

My comment was because your comment about "bashing" Violet actually made me wonder IF mine MIGHT have come over that way!!

Maybe now the question is how we can stop upsetting or invalidating ourselves

Don't really understand your point in the context of anything said

Also don't want one of our back and forth discussions where we seem to go round in circles like the Oozelum bird and I suspect you don't either!

The thread is not in the interest of bashing anyone Madgran

I didn't say it was! It was another poster who brought up "child bashing"!! After that "bashing " seemed to be a bit of a theme!