6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

Maybe now the question is how we can stop upsetting or invalidating ourselves

I don't understand this? What does it mean?

Lots of things Chewbacca

Looking for problems that aren't there

Looking for meanings that aren't there

Stuff like that

Ah, thanks for clarifying vs, yes, I can imagine that that could be a quite a big obstacle to overcome.

No worries

Smileless2012

I wasn't aware that it is Summerlove. Can you give specific examples of what's been posted so far that makes you think it is?

That's a good point PollyDolly.

I think I misread something

Also I “didn’t come back” as I was away from the internet.

VioletSky

Lots of things Chewbacca

Looking for problems that aren't there

Looking for meanings that aren't there

Stuff like that

Not everyone does that though. ?

Chestnut for a start you do not describe your daughter as lumbering around. What an awful way to describe your daughter. Just read that and haven't read any other pages yet.

Why on earth would you write that. I hope you haven't said that to anyone verbally about your daughter.

And before you say what do I know about being fat. I was that daughter it would have broken my heart if my parents had described me like that.

Reading that mad my blood boil. Do you love your daughter? If so then you should love her no matter what.

If and when she decides she wants to lose weight I hope you encourage and support her and never criticise her if she has a bad day.

My potted history of being fat . I was bullied from when I started school until I was 16. Food was my escape. My parents said when I started to put weight on its puppy fat and will go.

Fat child,fat teenager and adult. But from when I was 16 to 45 I had a man who loved me no matter what size I was . Supported me every time I wanted to lose weight and everytime I gave up and put it back on he loved me and never criticised me. He loved me for me . He died aged 47 from cancer. Broke my heart and lost half of me when he died.

After his death both parents and mother in law to look after. For decades I was a size 32 and over 19st. My mom died February 2017. Finally no one was dependent on my. March that year I started to feel ill just thought life has taken its toll on me . Then thought I had flu. Turns out I had jaundice caused by tablets I had been taking for decades .

Seriously ill for 5 months. During that time all I could do is think so decided what I wanted out if life . 3 things move , lose weight and get fit.

No one can lose weight until they decide they want to do it. Over the years I have awful things shouted at me because I was a fat woman and from the age of 29 walked using a stick due to my health getting worse but it had nothing to do with my weight.

I have lost over 7 st since 2017 and still want to lose a stone and bit. But what I realised it's a marathon not a sprint.

I hope when and if your daughter wants to lose weight you will help and support her. And never let her know you described her as lumbering. Still can't get over you wrote that . You must be ashamed of her or hate her because no loving mom would describe their daughter that way .

Forgot to say now a size 16. And I was a happy woman at a size 32 and 19+st. And yes you can be happy and fat. I had a man who loved me ,family and friends. Had both my children when I was that big. I am now 64. Also moved and got fit .

VioletSky

I think one of the things on a healing journey is to be able to recognise that everything isn't about us or even anything to do with us at all.

We have had a lot of conversation about the things we can say to avoid upsetting and invalidating others...

Maybe now the question is how we can stop upsetting or invalidating ourselves

This- being totally self absorbed, Studying lists of what can cause tension, what should/shouldn’t be said to others, ruminating in things we said or had said to us that we’d rather not have experienced and so on, is such a negative way to live.

I’m not criticising therapy with an experienced, well qualified therapist, or reading well researched psychological advice on living well. Many if the links on these threads are to kind of simplistic, pop psychology articles. Go a walk, do something that engrossed you so ruminating isn’t constant. Sorry if I’m missing something but introspection isn’t always a positive thing

Miss reading something's easily done Summerlove.

I agree with what you say about introspection Iam. It has it's place of course but too much can result in paranoia in terms of looking for problems and/or meanings that aren't there. That for me is one step further than seeing them when they're not there.

I also find some of the links here on GN are too simplistic and more like pop psychology articles. Relationships and life for that matter just isn't that simple and when problems do arise, not always that easily dealt with.

Sometimes I find it confusing when a post doesn't reference what is being responded to. So it looks like a post is referring to something I or someone else has said. But then when I ask for clarity, it turns out it wasn't atall. I like clarity so that there are no misunderstandings.

Sometimes though I also forget to reference the post I am referring to, so it is easily done! ?

The trouble is with the net, with any subject, is that a lot of people call themselves experts, and many are far from that.

I avoid anything "psychobabble" because I honestly don't think it's helpful. And it can cause further problems.

Every situation is different, and a simplistic approach won't achieve anything,

The past, good or bad, cannot be changed.

As they say:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference".

But, each to their own, I suppose.?

I love the serenity prayer DL saying it over and over again when we were first estranged. It took a long time, too long really to accept what I couldn't change but got there in the end. There's still some work needed on the wisdom front to do though.

Well my mother always said that:
" old age comes too soon and wisdom comes too late"

I think she was spot on in my case Normandygirl.

@Iam64

I am sorry but your comment seemed like a thinly veiled insult at the OP. If you don’t care for the discussion topic, why comment? Seems a miserable approach to life to voluntarily participate in a discussion you clearly don’t care for, but to take it so far as to suggest self-absorption by the person facilitating the discussion is unnecessarily insulting and mean. I think that much can be learned about ourselves when we examine how to we choose to interact with others, and the subsequent results of said interactions. Anonymous online threads are quite interesting in that they allow people to be passive aggressive and mean seemingly without real world consequence, but in truth these interactions may explain what we won’t admit to ourselves in real life: maybe it isn’t always the other party that is the problem. Passive aggression online and in the real world is off-putting.

Iam64 @ 08:03 I'd agree with that; ruminating and constant self introspection isn't healthy and, if you're constantly bedevilled by such thoughts, perhaps professional help should be considered. Stiller I don't think for one moment that Iam64's post was at all a thinly veiled insult or meant in a negative or derisory way. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and, as long as they're polite, constructive and within guidelines, they're as valid as anyone else's - even when we don't agree with them.

Yes, it is very off putting Stiller. As a relatively new member to GN you wont know that Iam has over the years, made some very helpful and informative contributions to the estrangement forum. She has over the years demonstrated that any discussion with regard to estrangement is something that she very much cares for.

I'm disappointed to see another post suggesting that a thinly veiled insult, indeed an insult of any kind has been made to the OP.

There was last night, and sadly for most of last week, some very unpleasant posting on the estrangement forum, all of which begun with poster(s) being accused of insulting the OP.

It would be a great shame if the same thing were to happen here.

stiller

Best not to get yourself involved

I had a bit of a wobble the other day and reported something when I don't usually and I couldn't highlight the personal comments that are said about me and be listened to so just let it stand.

The thing is that I genuinely care about Estrangement

I care about healing from it.

I care about the times that reconciliation is possible.

I care about preventing it.

The loss of that relationship is devastating for everyone.

That is why I am here and why I will stay

Chewbacca,

Disagreeing with an opinion and observing an insult aren’t the same thing. Iam64 may have very disagreed with the purpose of the OP without labeling the poster or those who wonder about the content of the lists ‘self-absorbed’. It’s write there in plain writing and it’s insulting. If the OP had directed that comment at anyone I am sure your response wouldn’t have been so forgiving. It was uncalled for and mean and I stand by what I saw with my own eyes. No need for that type of labelling. We can get our points across without inflammatory language, name calling, and passive aggression.

@Smileless,

I’m sure there are lots of histories with many posters. I can only comment on what I saw with my own eyes. It was mean.

@VS
You are correct. And I will bow out but I won’t be gaslit into believing I didn’t read what I read. I don’t like the mean, passive aggressive behavior. It’s why I am estranged today. And it is triggering. I will bow out when I see mean-spirited comments coming. I reject it in real life; no sense in participating online.

Apologies for the typos. Writing an email and responding at the same time lol

stiller

No Contact is sometimes the only way forward when people are genuinely trying to harm you

Trust me, I’ve learned. 10 years and a happy home life later, I’ve learned!

Most people just want to know how they feel is normal even if it isn't socially acceptable. This covers a wide range of subject and matters !