6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

Kate1949, I read your post with interest. It occurred to me that the reason your daughter never asks you to join the party is she regards you as simply 'Mother'. That's to say she regards Mother (or Mum whatever she calls you) as in a separate category (parent) from chums . The ages of your daughter's chums is irrelevant. Some people think they can be chummy with their mother/parent others can't even think it. Your daughter may well be one of the latter.

There is no blame to be attached to your daughter's attitude, as most people have no insight into their prejudices.

I have tried to be more chummy with one of my sons but although he is kind and considerate he still thinks of me as Mum/parent and therefore not to be considered as a chum down the pub sort of person.

No one is gas lighting you Stiller by trying to get you to believe you haven't read something you have. Your interpretation is being disagreed with and accusations of gas lighting do nothing to further the discussion.

I agree vs that in that situation no contact is the only and I would add best way to move forward.

Well put Jane.

&Smileless,

As I said, calling someone ‘self-absorbed’ is insulting. It’s objectively a personal attack. I highly doubt anyone defending it would be okay with being called self-absorbed. Trying to convince a person that it wasn’t an insult is wrong. I won’t continue to go back and forth on the subject. My final comment on it.

@JaneJudge
I agree!

My son suddenly stopped speaking to me 4 years ago. Nothing but Hi and Bye when I visit him and his family. My daughter in law always makes me most welcome and I love spending time with my two grandsons. Asked him why and he just shrugged. Asked his wife, brother and father also, but there doesn’t seem to be reason or answer. I am heartbroken.

Stiller

@Iam64

I am sorry but your comment seemed like a thinly veiled insult at the OP. If you don’t care for the discussion topic, why comment? Seems a miserable approach to life to voluntarily participate in a discussion you clearly don’t care for, but to take it so far as to suggest self-absorption by the person facilitating the discussion is unnecessarily insulting and mean. I think that much can be learned about ourselves when we examine how to we choose to interact with others, and the subsequent results of said interactions. Anonymous online threads are quite interesting in that they allow people to be passive aggressive and mean seemingly without real world consequence, but in truth these interactions may explain what we won’t admit to ourselves in real life: maybe it isn’t always the other party that is the problem. Passive aggression online and in the real world is off-putting.

You obviously don’t know Iam64.
In all the years I’ve been on this site ( 11 years) she has never been offensive or insulting.
You read too much into something that isn’t there.

SusiC

My son suddenly stopped speaking to me 4 years ago. Nothing but Hi and Bye when I visit him and his family. My daughter in law always makes me most welcome and I love spending time with my two grandsons. Asked him why and he just shrugged. Asked his wife, brother and father also, but there doesn’t seem to be reason or answer. I am heartbroken.

SusiC if you look under estrangement there is a support thread. This is a discussion thread and I didn't want your comment to get lost

Absolutely right MerylStreep and Iam64's post was something that I'm sure many people would agree with.

Stiller if you have any concerns that personal attacks have been made, do report it to GNHQ so that they can have a look at it. They've been very proactive.

Chewbacca
I think some peoples combative style of posting is more suited to MN.

SusiC I understand your heart break. Why oh why, if there's a reason to stop talking to your mum doesn't the one refusing to speak simply say what the problem is?

Thank goodness that whatever the reason, you are able to have a healthy relationship with your d.i.l. and GC. I know that cannot possibly compensate with what's happening with your son, but all the time you that there's an opportunity for change.

I don't think they'd last a minute there MerylStreep!

@MerylStreep

I don’t know her, and if your only interaction with the person behind the anonymous screenname is online, neither do you. Please see my comment to Smileless regarding calling people self-absorbed.

I've no experience of MN Chewbacca but from what I've heard, discussions to tend to be more robust than here on GN.

In the 9 plus years I've been a member of GN I have never seen Iam post anything insulting or offensive either Meryl.

@Chewbacca,

Great idea! I think that is the best way forward when name-calling ensues!

I'm fortunate that my relationship with Iam goes beyond an anonymous online screen name.

stiller when I first joined gransnet, it was one small misunderstanding that escalated and escalated that led to things getting really awful around here.

I have since learned its best to try and stay out of the arguments and just say what you want to say and move on.

It's difficult at times we all have bad days or get frustrated at injustice etc.

But it takes 2 to have an argument and sometimes ignoring is just the best policy, let people speak for themselves

@SusiC
I am sorry for your troubles with your son. It is hard to navigate conflict when one party won’t engage fully.

Perhaps write him a letter or email explaining that the distance is hurting you, and that you’d love to listen uninterrupted to what may be causing him to shut down with you. If you’ve made outreach to others, I’d stop at this point. Sometimes asking others to intervene makes things messier. Best of luck!

@VS

Duly noted! Honestly I don’t want to engage on that topic anymore. I read what I read. No spin to put on it. Chewbacca gave great, advice. No need to continue the back and forth.

To be fair vs it was a bit more than one small misunderstanding wasn't it!

Chewbacca

I don't think they'd last a minute there MerylStreep!

You're quite right - they don't take prisoners over there lol ?

Hi virgin poster
I feel an estrangement occurs because the parties fail to communicate clearly.

I remember being a virgin poster NanaP; welcome to GN.

Communication is the key without a doubt.

NanaPge

Hi virgin poster
I feel an estrangement occurs because the parties fail to communicate clearly.

Not always, but sometimes.

My stepson communicates perfectly well with DH and myself.

He wants money, we won't give it to him.?

An insoluble problem.

I seem to have been misunderstood, or not been clear.
VioletSky posted ‘I think one of the things on a healing journey is to be able to recognise everything isn’t about us .
We have had a lot of conversations about the things we can say to avoid upsetting and invalidating others
Maybe now the question is how we can stop upsetting or invalidating ourselves’.

My post began with the quote above, and the word ‘this’.
I was supporting Violet’s post because I read it to mean advice not to over ruminate, reflect on estrangement difficulties, but to look after ourselves.

I’ve been out and caught up just now with the suggestion I was being offensive in a thinly veiled way. That was not my intention. I stand by my comments about my view that being overly self absorbed, seeking our poorly researched articles that confirm whichever bias we have, isn’t helpful. That was a general comment, not one directed at individuals.

We do get to ‘know’ posters over the years. We recognise those of us who enjoy a scrap in the politics and news threads. Scrapping on the estrangement threads is to be avoided imo (wherever possible). Thank you to the posters who feel they’ve got to know me over the years .