6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

Norah, my comment wasn’t directed specifically at adult children. I was responding to Diamond Lily’s reflections on what seems like reluctance to compromise, which I said I see in many areas of life.
Your position seems to be ‘why should adults compromise?’ Unless there are specific reasons why not- why shouldn’t they?

@Norah, agreed!

Compromise isn’t always appropriate or necessary. For example, if a young family only has the bandwidth to visit with grans and extended family once a month, and grans and extended family want every other weekend, the grans and extended family must accept that the once a month visit is what is available. In my case, my mum wanted us there twice a week including every Sunday. This was unreasonable. Her “compromise” was then me and the baby visiting without my “problematic” wife. This was not her decision to make. Not everything is a group decision. There are things in life that do not warrant discussion or input from those outside of a relationship/marriage/nuclear unit. It’s simply the right thing to do to accept this fact. Asking for compromise on things that you know are not your decision to make it disrespectful to the other party. When the other party has made you aware of this, and you persist for “compromise”, you cross the line into controlling behavior. It’s totally unreasonable in many situations to expect adults to rearrange their lives, often much to the detriment of the needs and obligations of their own nuclear units, so that you may feel fulfilled. Going with the flow, enjoying the relationship during the time spent together is the better approach to life. My parents in law’s approach has really opened my eyes. We don’t see them more than once a month but there is a lot of love there and they do not pressure my wife. They understand we have pretty busy lives with my business, and the kids have lots of activities. So they cheris the time we have. My MIL is so different from my mum and it is sad.

DiamondLily

I think it would help if some EPs and ACs didn't try to be enmeshed so much in each other's lives.

Both lots should have their own lives, friends, and interests.

That way, neither side feels an obligation to meet up x times a week, no matter what. Or to be available for babysitting, no matter what.

Neither side should expect anything at all. Far better to just go with the flow.

Respect, courtesy and consideration should also play a big part.

This is excellent. Very true.

Of course DL’s post about avoiding enmeshment, respecting boundaries is a given.

Compromise doesn’t mean ‘one side’ winning - talk about looking for a row rather than a discussion

Compromise is something we do through life.

Marriages can't last long without that.

Living with someone requires give and take.

At work, it's often a compromise with employers.

No one can get their own way all of the time.?

Iam64

Of course DL’s post about avoiding enmeshment, respecting boundaries is a given.

Compromise doesn’t mean ‘one side’ winning - talk about looking for a row rather than a discussion

Yes, I think making grandchildren or adult children your whole life is a mistake. All eggs in one basket can end in grief.

It can also be overbearing for the ACs.

I think some ACs need to realise they are grown ups and stop blaming/relying on their parents so much.

Some of them blame their parents for every misfortune in life, or think that their parents are 24/7 cash machines. ?

Well functioning families help each other out, put themselves out for each other, and avoid hurting each other. ?

Compromise ansolutely has its place, such as those great examples.

It’s still important to recognize that not every situation is up for compromise.

Considerate people do their best to recognize when they should ask for compromise or when they should accept the reality as is. That is key to maintaining respect.

Whose suggesting every situation is up for compromise. Certainly not me

Another way to be considerate:

If there are mismatched expectations and the other party is pushing back on your request, here are some things one should ask themselves:

Is this a want of mine or a need?

If this is a want, does my want trump the other party’s needs?

If both parties are just dealing with wants in a situation, where can we compromise?

If both parties are dealing with needs in a situation, can we compromise? If so, where?

If compromise cannot be reached, can both parties agree that feeling aggrieved is counterproductive and not conducive to a mutually respectful relationship? That acceptance without strife is the best way forward?

Not every circumstance can be compromised.

Some older parents are toxic, some ACs are toxic. There is no compromise to be had.

Every set of circumstances is different.

Stiller` I suppose that would depend on what the situation is, regarding acceptance without strife.

Some things I wouldn't accept or give in to. Others I would.

Iam64

Whose suggesting every situation is up for compromise. Certainly not me

You saw a post from me that said you claimed everything was up for compromise? Because I don’t recall posting that. (This is the kind of round and round that adds nothing to a discussion. We could do it for hours but what’s the point?)
I do recall posting specifying that not all situations were up for compromise because there was a general discussion about compromise, and I felt that it was pertinent to point out that there are exceptions.

DiamondLily

Not every circumstance can be compromised.

Some older parents are toxic, some ACs are toxic. There is no compromise to be had.

Every set of circumstances is different.

Fully agreed

Exactly Iam that's why when compromises can be made, neither 'side' has to feel that they've lost or won. IMO when yo can compromise, everyone wins.

"Somethings I wouldn't accept or give into. Others I would." Me too DL and I think that's the same for the vast majority.

Smileless, you say "compromise is what adults do isn't it? We make them in the majority of our adult relationships and no one's suggesting that it's only AC who do and should make them. There are so many issues that compromises can be made on, how often GP's see there GC is just one."

Well, I used visits as One example. I never said it was the only annoyance AC suffer from overbearing GPs.

There are many issues that can be compromised, however I assume once an AC decides (say) to only visit 3-4 times a year, their decision is not open to compromise, because what would that look like, how does a GP add to 3-4 in a "compromise"? More rational and logical is to leave the topic as completed/ finished, in my opinion.

Curious, why should adults need to make compromises to their own approach? Assuming it's legal, causes no harm, costs nothing. What is the point to compromise another persons ways? To win? Or?

Apply this thought to any contentious situation.

Parents make compromises with their children, when they're young. I know we did. It's a good lesson in negotiating.

In the example you've given, one way of compromising would be to have monthly face time chats between the visits.

Why should adults need to make compromises to their own approach? To facilitate relationships Norah and in my experience it's what sensible and mature adults do, and those that don't or can't tend to be avoided by family and friends alike.

Norah - to take your visits as an example, yes, 3-4 times a year might be acceptable, depending on distance. Especially if both older parents are alive.

However, if one is widowed , it might be a nice compromise to visit more, if that person is lonely.

It's what well functioning families do - situations inevitably change as the years roll on.. Compromise is needed to facilitate that.

DL you said: Norah - to take your visits as an example, yes, 3-4 times a year might be acceptable, depending on distance. Especially if both older parents are alive.

However, if one is widowed , it might be a nice compromise to visit more, if that person is lonely.

It's what well functioning families do - situations inevitably change as the years roll on.. Compromise is needed to facilitate that."

However, you appear to be looking at my example from only certain points of view, those where distance mattes, widow and or age matter? IOW the GP POV. What about the young family with no excess time to visit, who have decided that 1-2 hrs 3-4 times a yr is sufficient? Don't their feelings count at all, is compromise truly necessary?

Well TBH Norah your example only appears to be coming from the point of view of the AC, the children's parent(s).

Well, I've been a working mum, with children/grandchildren and older parents, and I've felt like the meat in everyone's sandwich.?

But, I, along with many others, just found the time.

Distance, parental circumstances, age etc does matter, in my view.

But, we all have to do what makes us comfortable with ourselves.?

Yes, Smileless I WAS trying to show the other POV, the overworked, over tired parents of young children - who have no time, other than what they carve out, to waste. There is no room for compromise. Attempting browbeating to get ones way (the widow in the example) is not the answer, IMO.

Norah

Yes, Smileless I WAS trying to show the other POV, the overworked, over tired parents of young children - who have no time, other than what they carve out, to waste. There is no room for compromise. Attempting browbeating to get ones way (the widow in the example) is not the answer, IMO.

To be fair, many of the older mums/grans on here have also been overworked parents of young children.

I, in one job, (child protection), worked up to 14 hours a day.

The latest generation weren't the first to be working parents.?

Not sure it's browbeating, it's more about showing love and consideration.

Interesting that the word waste is used when describing the time spent in visiting relatives.

It's sad really Chewbacca to think that for some visiting relatives is a waste of time, a chore.

I agree Norah that browbeating isn't the answer and happen to think that refusing to find a compromise isn't the answer either and when it comes to GP's seeing their AC and GC, it's the AC that have all the control.

Yes, I've never looked on time spent with my ACs, or GC, or parents (when alive), as time wasted.

Time consuming, maybe.

I don't think happy families view it quite like that.?