6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

I find the “I did it so you can do” approach to be unfair and unrealistic. It can also be a source of mismatched expectations.

Life isn’t one size fits all. What’s feasible for you in what you believe are similar circumstances simply may not be for others. Different people have different wants, needs, and obligations. I think previous generations have taken pride in the whole “Martyr” approach and it explains why enmeshment or unrealistic expectations cause so much tension. The idea that one’s adult son or daughter should behave and follow in the foot steps of previous generations to the detriment of their own family time, rest, mental health, career, home/yard work etc is pretty damaging. I’m in no way advocating abandoning loving family and never making time for elderly relatives. I don’t Norah is either. I’m saying, we can’t always get the time from others that we’d like, and the better approach is to cheris the time actually spent. Guilt tripping or persistently demanding time that others do not have is a sure fire way to repel the other party.

I loved spending time with my Grandparents but I had to accept a very long time ago that my children would not have the same relationship with one of theirs and that was their choice.

Norah the examples you have given have I think always been regarding GPs expecting more from their ACs than the ACs feel able to/wish to give. That might be why people appear to be responding with a GPs view maybe?

I do think compromise is something that often happens in effective relationships between people whatever the context. Not always, and not always appropriate, but certainly something that can feed into healthy relationships

Me too Jane especially my maternal GM.

When you've had positive childhood experiences, you want your children and GC to have them too but it doesn't always work out that way.

Just do what suits you Stiller, no one here is guilt tripping you, or casting judgement on what anyone does; they're simply having a conversation about what happens in their own families

I've never experienced a healthy relationship that doesn't have compromises and the unhealthy ones I've experienced is were the ones that didn't have any.

I'll try that again.

I've never experienced a healthy relationship that doesn't have compromises and the unhealthy ones I've experienced are where there weren't any.

Chewbacca

^I find the “I did it so you can do” approach to be unfair and unrealistic. It can also be a source of mismatched expectations.^

Just do what suits you Stiller, no one here is guilt tripping you, or casting judgement on what anyone does; they're simply having a conversation about what happens in their own families .

Not sure how you interpreted that post to mean anyone on this site or anyone at all was currently guilt tripping me specifically.

Discussing is exactly what I am doing, same as anyone else.

Thanks for the permission to do what I want with my time though!

Are you ok Stiller? You seem to have taken offence at me saying that you should do what suits you. Not sure why that's offended you or caused you to lash out but I'll leave you out of any further conversations from now on.

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Diamond Lily at the risk of being accused of martyrdom, I’ve been in ver similar situations to you, in my work and personal life. This thread seems to be heading the same way of so many others on the estrangement boards.

Family life with children is full of joy at the same time as being full on, juggling children, extended family, work and occasionally dropping a plate.

This thread seems to be heading the same way of so many others on the estrangement boards.

!!

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My apologies GNHQ.

Stiller

Thanks for the permission to do what I want with my time though!

Yeah, you do as you think best, as it obviously works for you.

I’ll bat on as I think best.

These threads, lately, are so predictable...?

Perhaps people are a bit bored with the TV DiamondLily? I know I prefer to spend time outside if I can.

Stiller, in my experience everyone wants their child to be happy, to realise their potential, not hold them back or control, fat chance of that happening, they have minds of their own. However you can have lousy parents or very difficult children. Different story then.

Allsorts

Stiller, in my experience everyone wants their child to be happy, to realise their potential, not hold them back or control, fat chance of that happening, they have minds of their own. However you can have lousy parents or very difficult children. Different story then.

With the obvious exception of abusive parents and those determined to hate the spouses of their offspring, I agree for the most part. Honestly, I don’t think most parents who are controlling or unreasonable even see that. They love their adult sons and daughters and want what they believe is best, even when what they believe is best really isn’t. The problem is when said parents are told by their adult sons and daughters to step back a bit and they persist. For the sake of peace within the family, reasonable adults would take heed of the words of the other adults and let them get on with life. For even the failures in life of an adult son or daughter belong to them by right. Best course of action for any adult relationship is to respect the autonomy of the other party. Two-way respect is foundational no matter the relation.

As the adult child who had a short period of estrangement I have I think worked it out in hindsight
Mum had received a diagnosis of dementia which I was aware of , we had started to set up some routines.
Mum one day decided no more contact. My husband was at their place doing some maintenance. My adult son was devastated as he was also included.
Now ten plus years later I think mum wanted us to be protected against the horrendous times she had had with her mother with dementia
However my mother broke her shoulder, a couple of years later , my father put his foot down whilst she was in hospital stating "either daughter is back in contact or we both go into care " (dad had significant physical health issues )mother took the daughter option lol.
The estrangement was never mentioned again. Dad died a couple of years later and mum died in 2016.
During the estrangement time dad and I had daily emails to each other . On rare occasions we would see him if mum was in hospital . Very grateful it only lasted a couple of years .

TerryM - Dementia just lobs another grenade into family dynamics.

Curiously, when she contracted Alzheimer's, my mother wanted me around all of the time..which was a first lol

I suppose, somewhere, in her mind, she sussed out that her "golden child" (my brother), was scooting rapidly away from her situation.?

That awful illness puts a strain on everyone in the family.

Glad that you resolved a difficult situation the best way you could, given the circumstances. ?

Iam64

Diamond Lily at the risk of being accused of martyrdom, I’ve been in ver similar situations to you, in my work and personal life. This thread seems to be heading the same way of so many others on the estrangement boards.

Family life with children is full of joy at the same time as being full on, juggling children, extended family, work and occasionally dropping a plate.

I'm not sure anyone could ever accuse me of being a martyr, and suffering silently, in real life lol ?

It is hard to juggle it all at times. Whether it's because you have young children, or, at the other end, and when you are getting older, and perhaps struggling with health, along with various other family dramas, it's still hard.

Some younger parents seem to think they invented working, struggling and juggling.?

But, yes, life has its light and lovely moments, and a black sense of humour goes a long way.?

Such a shame that you missed out on that relationship for a period of time TerryM. Your mum must have been very concerned about the affect her dementia would have had on you, thinking from her own experience with her mum, that it would be better to estrange.

I don't ever remember seeing a situation where the decision was taken out of selflessness. The decision to estrange being taken to protect the one they're estranging. It must have been very upsetting for you all. Thank goodness you had those daily emails with your dad and occasional meetings, and in the end your family was reunited.

I don't understand why people talking about how they did things when their children were young for example visiting parents and GP's, can be viewed as martyrdom DL.

We did what we did and were happy to do so. Yes, there were times when we could have done without a particular visit but were always pleased that we made the effort.

Well, I wouldn't change much about past life - other than years of mental juggling with a passive aggressive first husband.?

Still, we live and learn ?