6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

Smileless2012

Good post Normandygirl.

Before our estrangement which happened when our GC was only 8 months old, ES did ask for my advice but always by 'phone when he was walking the dog or he'd pop in to see me.

He never asked in his wife's hearing.

I asked my mum more than my m.i.l. and my gran would often give me the benefit of her un requested advice about weaning and potty training. 'You're weaning too soon and potty training too late' for example. Child rearing practices change over time don't they and some things may be better today but we managed to raise our own, and our parents managed to raise us and their parents them, so we all must have done something right.

Although my mum wasn't brilliant emotionally, (to say the least!), I always asked her and my Nan for "baby" advice, if I needed it.

There were a few childrearing books around then, but nothing beats experience!.?

Curiously, the most famous of them was by a Dr Jolly - it was treated as the font of all knowledge. Unfortunately, years later, during the wide scale investigations into possible causes of cot death, his advice was found to have been very flawed.

Experts change their opinions frequently, as with everything else.

I stuck to my mum and nans advice, and we all survived the experience lol ?

Well obviously that's your choice Diamondlily

But no one should expect their daughter or DIL to do the same

Unless they want to damage their own relationship

Regarding advice, I respond "oh I don't know, maybe look it up, all information is easily available."

I don't prefer to give wrong advice, information changes over time.

I remember the Dr Jolly books Diamond and I think his might have been the one that I had. I do remember having a baby book on the table when the Health Visitor called to check on DC at about 6 weeks old. She took one look at it and said "That belongs in the bin!"
Every generation seems to have its own baby guru: Dr Spock, Dr Jolly, Gina Ford - all discredited over time as new information became available. It was ever thus!

Exactly why I won't be offering any advice

Just support and doing as asked by the parents, their child, their choice.

Yes DL experts do change their opinions over time and what was right when our boys were little doesn't apply now. Not all practices were wrong though because if they were, no one would have survived would they!!.

That's a good response Norah. I used to say to ES when he asked for advice either what I did if the situation was comparable to when him and his brother were that age, or 'if it were me ..........'

I never gave advice unless it was asked for, and when it was said what I thought was the most appropriate. After all, if they think our advice is no good, they would't be asking for it in the first place would they.

What about Dr. Miriam Stoppard Chewbacca, do you remember her?

Smileless, "After all, if they think our advice is no good, they would't be asking for it in the first place would they"

That approach seems good for you and some people. My children are of 2 separate generations, as are my GC. There has been significant change since I raised my 4 daughters, even one set to the other.

I have SILS. I think SIL are difficult to understand, being raised by other mums. I'm quite cautious, my advise could perceived wrong.

Not talking, always deferring, has held me in good stead.

Just my opinion for myself.

There's nothing wrong with being cautious Norah and if it stands you in good stead then keep on doing what you're doing.

'If it aint broke there's no point in fixing it' is there.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with following the advice of the times....

But we have to be able to reflect and learn from it.

Doesn't mean anyone should feel bad

Just means that we can acknowledge that an issue happened because of it and then deal with that issue

I'd forgotten about her Smileless! She always seemed rather sensible and level headed.

Chewbacca

I remember the Dr Jolly books Diamond and I think his might have been the one that I had. I do remember having a baby book on the table when the Health Visitor called to check on DC at about 6 weeks old. She took one look at it and said "That belongs in the bin!"
Every generation seems to have its own baby guru: Dr Spock, Dr Jolly, Gina Ford - all discredited over time as new information became available. It was ever thus!

God, long before the net, he really was seen as the "go to" expert.

And, then discredited, along with a host of others,

I read his book, and thought, not for me, but he was very popular.

The best advice comes from experience, not text book/net writers.?

I thought so too Chewbacca my gran on the other hand thought she talked out of her bottom. Gran blamed her for me weaning DS too soon and not sitting him on a potty soon enough!!!

There's certainly a lot to be said for experience DL. Experience can help us to separate what was very good, good, not so good and to be avoided at all costs.

Smileless2012

I thought so too Chewbacca my gran on the other hand thought she talked out of her bottom. Gran blamed her for me weaning DS too soon and not sitting him on a potty soon enough!!!

There's certainly a lot to be said for experience DL. Experience can help us to separate what was very good, good, not so good and to be avoided at all costs.

Well, becoming a parent is about separating “the wheat from the chaff” with advice, whoever is dishing it out.

A bit like life. ?

Just like life DL you can ask for advice but that doesn't mean you have to take it.

Smileless2012

Just like life DL you can ask for advice but that doesn't mean you have to take it.

My Nan had some funny health ideas.

If ever I got a chest infection, she used to tell me not to bother with GP's and anti-biotics. All I apparently needed to do was coat my chest in goose fat, and then wrap brown paper around myself...?

I told her that couldn't possibly work and ignored her advice lol?

I suppose, perhaps, this dates back to pre 1948, when a GP visit had to be paid for. Old wives remedies were often tried.

DL Think we will be using your grandmas remedies if we are unable to see doctors. Got to cook the goose first, but as I live alone a chicken breast usually does, not much fat there though.

As for child rearing, I think we all prefer our way, it’s instinctive. Don’t give advice until asked. It was easy to see Health Visitors and doctors when mine were born. In fact if a child was poorly the doctor visited you, didn’t take a sick child out.

There was a piece on BBC breakfast this morning about young children lacking in communication skills, with some parents saying they struggled to talk to their children sometimes even once a day, especially during the lock downs.

I wonder how much technology has impacted on this. I often see really quite young children 'plugged in' to various game consoles, while their parents are plugged into theirs.

Parents walking along side their small children while talking on their mobile 'phones.

With our youngest in particular, once he began to talk, we couldn't keep him quiet.

Yes, worryingly, more and more reception class teachers are reporting that more and more children, aged 4+, are stating school still in nappies/using dummies/unable to speak/unable to use cutlery to eat/unable to put clothes on and take off and totally ignorant of colours, animals and words.

The problems got worse during lockdown, but it's been ongoing for a few years.

These aren't children with special needs.

This isn't the children of working parents, as they tend to go to childcare, this is the children of "stay at home parent/s."

What are these parents doing all day? ?

It's a huge problemproblem DiamondLily & Smileless:

In the UK, over 1 million children and young people – that's 2 – 3 in every UK classroom – have some form of long term and persistent speech, language and communication difficulty. This can affect them early, severely and for life.

problemproblem? flippin heck! Its so big I said it twice!

Makes no sense DL. We were constantly talking to our boys from the off. One apparent change for some in child rearing practice which clearly isn't one for the best.

In the absence of AC and GC, we chat away to our dogs even though they haven't the faintest idea what we're saying. That said, I think they understand more than we give them credit for.

^ more reception class teachers are reporting that more and more children, aged 4+, are stating school still in nappies/using dummies/unable to speak/unable to use cutlery to eat/unable to put clothes on and take off and totally ignorant of colours, animals and words.^

This is not a recent problem. My MiL, a reception class teacher, who retired in 1976 taught in a small town school. As the town expanded the catchment of the school began to be more and more from council housing used to house problem families.

In the 1970s, she would talk about children starting school who had been talked at, talked over and talked through, but never talked to. They lacked vocabulary, grammar, had never held pencils or seen a book or been read to, couldn't recognise and identify shapes, so the first two terms of the reception year were spent getting these children reading ready. Reading couldonly start in the last term, so they went into the year 2 already well behind those who started school, school ready and never caught up. They too ate with their fingers and were not used to sitting down for any period, least of all at a table at meal times.

However most were continent and could take themselves to the loo, although she did mention a few who started in nappies.

So this is not a new problem, but I think made worse by the way most people walk round, not just carrying their phone but looking at it, reading it, texting or even talking on the phone and ignoring any small child they have with them.. Also most pushchairs and prams, now, have the child with their backs to the adults facing them.

I used to chatter away to my children all the time from birth. I am a talkative person and, in their pram they faced me and I rarely put the hood up. Talking to a child does not cost money, so no one is too poor to be able to afford to talk to their child.

We really have to stop these cycles of abuse and parents being depressed, disinterested and disengaged.

I had to do so much work because being a parent was so triggering. Seeing this tiny human and knowing I would give anything for them not to have a childhood like mine.

It's very worrying isn't it M0nica. I was always facing our boys when there were in their pram. I remember telling the health visitor how worried I was that DS wouldn't move from a bottle to a feeder cup.

She told me I had nothing at all to worry about, and asked how many children I knew who'd started school, still drinking from a bottle, knowing that the answer would be 'none'.