6 sources of tension between adult children and parents

Well, I used to chat as I was pushing them along. About dogs, trains, cats, buses, birds, whatever.

I used Smarties to teach colours and numbers, and loads of reading books.

Playgroups didn't allow children until they were toilet trained.

But, then again, I suppose we weren't glued to phones and gadgets all day. ?

It would a brave mum or m.i.l. I would think, who would dare express any concern about her for example 3 year old GC with very limited speech and still needing a dummy.

It would indeed. If I was asked for advice, I'd offer it. Other than that, I left it to my daughter and SIL's good judgement.

I did get more involved through the teenage years (oh God?), but that was because the 4 kids used to rock up here, separately, to stay a few days, to get away from their parents lol ?

Thankfully, we are virtually at the end of those years now.?

I think that's lovely DL that they knew they could come and stay and have a break. Your AC must have appreciated that too. Those teenage years aren't easy are they.

Smileless2012

I think that's lovely DL that they knew they could come and stay and have a break. Your AC must have appreciated that too. Those teenage years aren't easy are they.

Not with four of them doing it at the same time...it was all hormones, dramas, door banging and shouting.?

Staying here did just calm the waters. It gave them and my DD/SIL a bit of space.?

Do people think we have a whole generation glued to phones and gadgets all day?

Those phones and gadgets appear to be in everyones hands...

I suppose its easy to be judgemental about something that didn't exist while others were parenting.

Even though most recent generations have been hugely interested in new gadgets that give them more down time

I'm just as capable of ignoring the world with a book in my hand but at least I won't get judged for it

Good grief DSL I struggled when the boys were teenagers, just the two of them so can't imagine what it must have been like with four, and all at the same time.

Sorry I meant you DL.

Whoops lol

Smileless2012

Good grief DSL I struggled when the boys were teenagers, just the two of them so can't imagine what it must have been like with four, and all at the same time.

3 boys and a the youngest a girl....jeez, it was chaos at times. All worked out well, they are all lovely young adults now. ?

Still a lot of dramas though.?

Tell me about it. DS is 39 and living in Aus. but we still get drama bless him.

We don't get too many dramas from my son and family in America, he's very laid back.

It's only when they come over, we get the drama.

They usually bring friends and neighbours with them, so we end up with a crowd of Americans - great to see and meet them, but it gets a bit hectic.?

My DIL is lovely, but she can create a drama out of nothing, even happy stuff. Nothing is ever quietly said or discussed lol

It's endless tears of happiness or upset, bit like Jerry Springer, I always think (silently!). DD and I spend a lot of time discreetly rolling our eyes.

I get on very well with her, but I wonder how it would be if she lived over here - we are very different. She doesn't "get" irony, self deprecation or droll and takes everything very seriously. Perhaps Americans just have a different sense of humour to English people.

Still, son is happy and that's all that matters. I can cope with her and the drama once every year or so.

I do need a rest when they're gone though lol ?

DS in Aus. is divorced (no children thank goodness) and lives alone so when there's a problem we're the first ones he contacts. Being estranged from his brother and knowing how important our relationship is to him, really does mean the world.

Smileless2012

DS in Aus. is divorced (no children thank goodness) and lives alone so when there's a problem we're the first ones he contacts. Being estranged from his brother and knowing how important our relationship is to him, really does mean the world.

Yes, I can imagine. DS phones or FaceTimes every week to see how we are, and to chat about politics, life over the pond etc.

He made me laugh yesterday, as he'd spent some time watching old comedy DVDs he took with him to the States, sort of Fools and Horses, Blackadder, One foot in the Grave, the Office etc.

He said he spent more time explaining the humour than watching them. I can see why, when we export comedy, so much has to be changed for an American audience.?

Both sides of the pond have a sense of humour - just different.

On the positive side, last time they came over, in October, DD, the grandkids, and I did manage to teach them the Lambeth Walk, Knees up Mother Brown, and the Agadoo "dances" lol

Not sure how much help that was, but the wine had been flowing....??

Something my late ILs did was to try to play one person off against another, "you understand, don't you, beige so-and-so doesn't". My SIL was disliked and there wasn't a lot of diplomacy to hide it. It was awkward as we didn't want to get involved but they wanted us to take sides.

I always felt that I wasn't quite up to scratch either, not being sociable or gushy enough iyswim.

lovebeigecardigans1955

Something my late ILs did was to try to play one person off against another, "you understand, don't you, beige so-and-so doesn't". My SIL was disliked and there wasn't a lot of diplomacy to hide it. It was awkward as we didn't want to get involved but they wanted us to take sides.

I always felt that I wasn't quite up to scratch either, not being sociable or gushy enough iyswim.

No, I'm not gushy, and I never want to get involved in other peoples disputes.

I used to just say "best sort out with them" and shut the conversation down.

No point in taking sides when you don't have to.

Mr. S. and DS are huge Blackadder fans (ES was too) and often use what I call 'Blackadder speak' DL. For 10 years we had a villa in Florida so spent quite a bit of time there and the main I noticed was they didn't 'get' scarcasm.

Our ES's wife used to do that icanhandthemback try playing one off against the other, always found it rather embarrassing TBH as it was so obvious.

sarcasm not scarcasm and I read it through before I posted it.

lovebeigecardigans1955

Something my late ILs did was to try to play one person off against another, "you understand, don't you, beige so-and-so doesn't". My SIL was disliked and there wasn't a lot of diplomacy to hide it. It was awkward as we didn't want to get involved but they wanted us to take sides.

I always felt that I wasn't quite up to scratch either, not being sociable or gushy enough iyswim.

I notice this a lot in troubled families.

There is often a "good" child and a "bad" child. Or a "good" family and a "bad" one. With all the gossip and the "why cany you be more like x"

I grew up watching how differently the child of my mother and stepfathers marriage was treated to me and it did hurt.

But what I didn't know and never suspected until the end of the relationship was just how much I had been badmouthed to my own brother. All the lies he had been told about me. Every situation where she had hurt me had been later respun into the opposite and told to my brother unknown to me.

I really don't think it is ever OK to try and get siblings involved in that way.

Or any other family members.

It's called triangulation.

If a family member is doing that, playing relatives off against each other, getting one family member on sode against another...

I can't even begin to express how wrong that is.

Whatever the family situation

Siblings especially should be kept out of the drama and encouraged to have a good relationship with each other no matter who else doesn't get on.

Smileless2012

Mr. S. and DS are huge Blackadder fans (ES was too) and often use what I call 'Blackadder speak' DL. For 10 years we had a villa in Florida so spent quite a bit of time there and the main I noticed was they didn't 'get' scarcasm.

Our ES's wife used to do that icanhandthemback try playing one off against the other, always found it rather embarrassing TBH as it was so obvious.

I must admit Blackadder does make me laugh. ?

But, when he’s having one of his “put the world to rights” days, I call DH the ba**ard child of Basil Fawlty snd Victor Mildrew., so I can see the funny side of those as well. ??

Oh yes Victor Mildrew. Me and the boys always laughed at the lyrics of the song, we would sing along and look at Mr. S. and that was way before he was old.

Funny, I have yet to meet an American who doesn't understand sarcasm. Everyone I know is fluent. Odd that you had that experience Smileless.

VS: my mother is fluent in triangulation. I do not participate and when I hear it happening, even now, I shut it down.

I guess the ones we met just didn't imaround.

Must have had sarcasm mode switched on continually to come up with that generalisation