The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

DiamondLily
Agree completely when you say the the relationship was yours.
I wouldn’t have tried to stop my children seeing her.
I wouldn’t say she was great, she definitely had favourites, but it wasn’t my place to come between them.

I can only speak from my own experience. I had a poor relationship with my Mother, growing up.

She was a lovely Nan and Great Nan - if I could have chosen her, I would have.

My (now) adult children have nothing but golden memories of their grandparents - why on earth would I have deprived them of that??

My relationship with her was mine - it wasn't theirs. In later years, it was respectful -we both put a lid on any aggravation with each other. It was polite and courteous, which was all it needed to be.

Perhaps it's best not to generalise, and just go by what we think is best for our own children, at the time. Every situation is different.

I don't regret a thing, and wouldn't change a thing.?

I am now a grand myself but we were estranged from my husbands parents for years, and I don’t agree with those who say as diamond is suggesting awful parents can be wonderful grandparents and should have those relationships preserved at all. The first job of a good grand is to have a loving respectful relationship with the parents - if you can’t manage that the gc don’t need exposure to you

Allsorts and Smileless
I think that just about sums it up, that’s why it’s so hard for anyone else to properly understand.

you don't always recall what people say but you do remember how they made you feel that's so true Allsorts and it's difficult to comprehend how someone who used to bring you so much joy, can end up bringing you so much sorrow.

SsRa, you did whats right for you and your family, it can't have been easy. A saying comes to mind, you don't always recall what people say but you do remember how they made you feel. There are no real winners in estrangement.

There will be people on her side, people will say, Sara always was a handful, she led her poor mother a right dance.

I’m pretty certain, there will be people who will say, there was always something not quite right in that house, always felt a bit sorry for those children.

Again I say, we were not abused, but there are other ways of making your children unhappy.

I can only speculate. Which I won't.

Why do you think they do it imaround?

If its not malicious, then it can only be its pressing a button of theirs, but they are not aware of it?

(although as I pressed "post" I seemed to hear my mother's voice, "making a fuss about nothing...over sensitive"..hmmmmmm)

It isn't just that people don't understand. That I get.

It is that people continually choose to not understand and go out of their way to comment about it over and over again, despite having it explained.

This article is the best I have found about the complexities of "when abusive relationships end" and how it can make you feel but how difficult its is for others to understand

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/when-abusive-relationships-end-a-complex-grief

I have been judged and found wanting because Bloke has a definable Mental Health problem, from 2 POV.

One is, as the article I've posted says, "This can be the hardest bit for those around you to understand, they may not be able to tolerate hearing what you miss about someone that has hurt you so badly, and they may have their own feelings – often anger, protectiveness and sadness – about what you have been through."

The second is of course, "you should have hung in there to look after him". I am clear I shouldn't - after all, in reality there is rarely a clear dividing line between definable MH problems and people who have difficulties but no label - so in many ways I think the first is more difficult

ie,
well, you've moved on, why keep going on about it etc"

btw, personally I haven't felt judged by any comments above - just assumed that they react to things differently from me?

It's a bit sad really, I have lost count of the amount of times I have addressed that comment over the years yet it pops up on any post made by an EAC...

I think it's probably not actually our problem...

And it's lost its sting for me bit I remember why it hurts and see why it hurts others.

Imaround
I don’t think we can really expect people to understand.
That’s why this forum is helpful, it helps you realise you are not actually on your own, that other people go through similar experiences.
Apart from my husband and a couple of close friends, I don’t think anyone else really gets it.

What I can't believe is that, even after being told countless times why EAC continue to need support years after having to make the difficult choice to estrange thier family, people will still post in a thread with a judgemental tone about not understanding why EAC need support.

Choosing to estrange family, for a lot of people, is not a game. The estrangement is not the winning hand where we celebrate and move on. We still grieve the loss of our family years later and need support from those who have had the same experience.

Thank you Sara, that's very kind.

Smileless
There is of course some hope that you will get answers, and I really hope that you do.
Your patience will hopefully pay off, and one day your boy will come back into your life.

But for me, apart from my mother, anyone who might have shed some light is dead.

I sometimes wish I’d broached the subject with my dad, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have wanted to discuss it.

Your opening sentence really resonated with me Wyllow. Our ES's wife wanted him all to herself, and given her past I can see why. She never managed to hide it completely although the full extent had never been anticipated.

As you say, some people do want to know what makes others tick, why they behave the way they do and I'm one of those people. Maybe life would be easier/simpler if I wasn't.

It may have taken you a long time but there will be some people who never manage to come close to accepting, understanding and forgiveness; it's not an easy thing to do.

Even though answers can lead to more questions some of us wonder anyway Sara, perhaps because maybe we think we might get answers to those questions too.

I agree that answers would probably just open up more questions, questions which can never be answered, but it doesn’t stop you wondering.

I know some of you are victims of horrible abuse, I’m not. I also accept some responsibility, especially during my teenage years, when I truly think I hated her at times, I was mouthy, and uninhibited, she was embarrassed and ashamed of me, number one priority with my mother, what will people think? All people, but in particular my grandparents and the minister!

Funny if it wasn’t so sad.

(Smileless, although he concealed it well, he wanted me totally to himself deep down. And I think I know why, given his past.)

I think its equally valid to be able to close a chapter down, and be able to leave it behind, and to want to grieve and heal in our very different ways.

Sometimes we think things are closed, then an event or a person comes along that triggers feelings again.

That's how I happen to function generally in the great puzzles of the "why's" of childhood and the results, but my experience is that each time I re-visit it, its different, and feelings change over time. This helps my healing, but wouldn't for everyone.

Also, some people WANT to puzzle things out more than others. Some people accept it but do not trouble themselves greatly with the "why's". Some people are naturally more interested in "What makes people tick".

You've a substantial puzzle there, Sara! This may be a difficult thing for people to hear, but its only since my mum died, and that was 2006, that I have come to accept, understand, and forgive as fully as I ever will.

My current to be ex of course is still in the "much puzzling" stage........

When it comes to estrangement I don't think there is ever closure Hithere and one of the reasons is because of those questions to which there will never be answers.

Acceptance for me is a separate issue and I'll quote icanhandthemback again because she put it so well
You may know that estrangement is the only path but it doesn't necessarily mean you are content with it. That to me is what acceptance is.

I think it's wonderful that so many estranged children are so focused on understanding and healing

My childhood is part of me.

That's my story

I'm not ashamed of it

I'm proud of myself

Reality is

Smileless

Closure is overrated

Why not accepting what reality it?

Even having answers you think would help you doesnt give closure- it may create more questions

I'm sure for the vast majority of those living with estrangement there are unanswered questions Sara and as long as there are, we'll never have closure.

FWIW I don't thinks it's strange that you ^can be kind and compassionate with people, cry at the death of the Queen, and have no feelings at all for (your) own mother. A life time of striving for approval and unreciprocated love is bound to have had a profound affect, and her trying to cause trouble between you and your D will only have added to that.

You may know that estrangement is the only path but it doesn't necessarily mean you are content with it wise words icanhandthemback.

I've never understood how or why someone who claims to love someone in their life would want them to choose between them and someone else in their life that they love Wyllow.

We are a family full of hugs and affection and our ES was a much loved part of that family for 27 years, but estrangement happened anyway.