The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Sara, maybe they care aboout appearances and having others think they havee great relationships with their children?

Smileless
No I agree, it doesn’t make any sense.
But I think it proves that she doesn’t know me at all.
As you say, why on earth would you want someone to visit you, just so that they could get their hands on your money.

I can understand that you would have felt insulted Sara. Inheritance is a gift isn't it, not a right or to be used as a form of blackmail. Why would anyone want to know or even suspect that someone was visiting them purely for financial gain?

Wyllow
On the subject of inheritance, my mother told my husband years ago that if I didn’t go and visit, I’d be disinherited. This was a red rag to a bull, the fact that she thinks I’m the type of person who would pretend to forgive everything for money makes me dislike her even more.

My brother can have the lot, he’s earned it.

Just re-read the article in the O/P again. These jump out at me: Forgiveness is worth having, but you can only do it and stepped back through no or limited contact. (or even sometimes the death of the abusive one).

Anger, hurt, emptiness, long struggles and grieving, and only be healed by being compassionate to myself and a DISTANT compassion for ex (or parent if that's who is under discussion). Where if appropriate, you take steps where it concerns their well being but not because you have been tricked or pressured into it. I do agree with the point that society probably judges you harshest if your parent is older. We live in quite a hypocritical society in some ways that "virtue signals" what One Is Supposed To Do. I'm struggling with the financials of a divorce, I think I will be OK, as going for a clean break where I've lost out but shall be free....but ...

...I d wonder for those of you who have to go no contact with a parent what happens when money, an inheritance (that one may need for family) is involved?

Thank you for saying that Madgran

Yes indeed VS. And children become adults who can take responsibility and be accountable for themselves, as you are proving.

It's easier as adults

I'm responsible for myself

But children need someone to be responsible and accountable for them

And that's what we sign up to when we become parents

there is a huge difference between fault and responsibility

Yes. Which is why I think each has to make their own decision about what accountability/responsibility means for them. Others can't make it for them as they are the person who has to take that responsibility/accept accountability

The only issue I have..... there is a huge difference between fault and responsibility

When we get that right maybe we can break all the cycles

Yes, ACES are very relevant. And the fact that they are not necessarily in the direct control of the parents is I think, one of the reasons why no assumptions can be made about estrangement or the reasons for it.

I'm not sure parents stop loving their children if they estrange, in the same way as some ACs say that they still love their parent even though they have estranged from them. I think when estranging or having been estranged, self-protection plays a big part in responses from then on, understandably. But that doesn't preclude love.

Apology is only worth it if it is sincerely meant. Otherwise, there is still no accountability and no personal growth despite the words being spoken.

If it is sincerely meant, then each has to make their own decisions about what accountability means for them. Others can't really make that decision for them.

I think sometimes we just have to accept we don't need an apology for the other person to be wrong. They are still wrong.

Covert narcissists are really interesting in how they avoid apologies.

The often seen go to is the lie

"I didn't say that"

"I didn't mean that"

"Other people wouldn't be upset about that"

Once they have initially lied over any challenge to what they actually said or did, they double down and continue to repeat the lie, perhaps imbellishing and justifying more.

They are convincing themselves, changing the narrative.

We don't have to fall for it.

That lack of apology has to be seen for what it is, a symptom of toxic behaviour.

Madgran77, you are right, people with happy childhoods can embark on a coercive relationship without realising it.
In my experience though I have found that the people who come from vulnerable backgrounds though are likely to keep missing the red flags so they end up repeating their mistakes until they start to examine the legacy from that childhood.

I so agree on not apologising.

Without apology there is no accountability

Without accountability there is no personal growth

Just a stagnant person, invested in their own lies and self importance

Madgran77

*Coercive relationships can happen with people who had perfectly happy childhoods*

I should have added to that ..."as they can and sometimes do attest if and when they get out of the coercive relationship and estrange from that relationship - be it partner, parent or AC".

ACEs research has some very interesting thoughts on this...

Also remember ACEs once did not exist and some standard practices in parenting are now understood as unacceptable.

Some ACEs do not involve parents directly. Like sexual abuse.

Some ACEs are beyond parents control like depression and anxiety or bereavement and divorce.

Many things can be mitigated and children can grow up resilient by the simple fact of recognising children are intelligent, experience real stress and emotion and need support.

More and more people are estranging abusive parents and have information and support readily available which will help them become resilient adults thus breaking cycles.

If my child were ever in an abusive relationship and manipulated away from me, I'd be asking myself some hard questions about whether or not their childhood was free of ACEs and I would never ever stop loving them.

Abuse is like a disease. I blame the disease not the victim

yep inability to apologise too
it's unbelievable isn't it how predictive it is

there seems a theme of lack of affection, approval and kindness there was an infliction of every day cruelty as well, generally verbal but I know I used to do it myself to other people when I was younger as I'd been conditioned to do it. Thank goodness I channelled the best version of myself, even though I am imperfect

VioletSky

Sara that's one of those questions that always baffles me...

Do they know they are abusive?

I think I have the answer but then I read another comment and... I just don't know again.

Maybe all those tactics they use on us, they also use on themselves?

Always an excuse, always a justification, always a "but" and never an apology

I've never ever found it hard to be accountable for myself and apologise

I find the inability to apologise when proven wrong a massive red flag.

It just shows that they lack the most basic understanding of those around them and how to maintain a healthy relationship.

Sara that's one of those questions that always baffles me...

Do they know they are abusive?

I think I have the answer but then I read another comment and... I just don't know again.

Maybe all those tactics they use on us, they also use on themselves?

Always an excuse, always a justification, always a "but" and never an apology

I've never ever found it hard to be accountable for myself and apologise

Sara1954

Violet
I’m sure if our parents thought we actually did have lovely childhoods, or if they are just trying to convince themselves?
My mother would say I was lucky, never went hungry, always clean and nicely turned out, decent presents at Christmas.
But what about all the things we didn’t have, affection, approval, kindness, I can’t remember ever laughing with my mother, I actually can’t remember her ever laughing.
I don’t think I was what she wanted, she loves my oldest daughter and never tired of telling anyone who will listen, that her life would have been so different if L—— had been her daughter.
My dad was a fabulous dad when I was little, but I think he just got sick of living in such a toxic atmosphere.

My MILs entire personality is built of three things what an amazing mother she is. She will go into detail of how extraordinary she is.

What a victim she is. Always everyone fault..

And the grieving mother when her son died

Out of 3 living sons she has been estranged on and off with everyone.

Violet
I’m sure if our parents thought we actually did have lovely childhoods, or if they are just trying to convince themselves?
My mother would say I was lucky, never went hungry, always clean and nicely turned out, decent presents at Christmas.
But what about all the things we didn’t have, affection, approval, kindness, I can’t remember ever laughing with my mother, I actually can’t remember her ever laughing.
I don’t think I was what she wanted, she loves my oldest daughter and never tired of telling anyone who will listen, that her life would have been so different if L—— had been her daughter.
My dad was a fabulous dad when I was little, but I think he just got sick of living in such a toxic atmosphere.

JaneJudge

oh yes the photos and occasions
all edited to make us look like a happy family

This has affected me very recently as I got given someone else's photographs after their death and the parent who estranged me is on NONE of the ones with me and I mean NONE. It has really made me think about the narrative of oh look how happy we were vs the fact I was frightened and insecure and didn't feel loved and wasn't loved and there is nothing wrong with me. Other people love me. Oh well

I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better.

VioletSky

I laughed at that a bit bibbity

My mother has said many times " You had a lovely childhood, we went on holiday every year"

That is almost true, for 1 week a year, they were always happy and fun to be around. The camera was always out. The photo albums would be updated.

I lived for that 1 week a year

And she unknowingly admits that every time she says it

There is an actual long standing thread on Mumsnet called Statley homes.

And it came about from the quote that I believe a parent said to a poster

"But we took you to Statley homes"

Does what it says on the tin

Other people love me. Oh well

Yes that can and does happen Madgran. We've seen here on GN EAC contacting the parent(s) they'd estranged.

We have the same hope too but the longer the relationship lasts the less likely it seems and then of course there's the time that's been lost and the pain that's been caused to try to come to terms with.