The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Estrangement can also bring liberation for those who have been estranged as they look back at the relationship and see just how bad it had become and the negative affect it was having on their lives.

We never got to that stage as it happened so quickly but having learned what others have gone through, and what some continue to go through, we can see what we managed to avoid even though the decision to estrange wasn't ours.

For some, never abandoning the person who treated them badly is because of a sense of duty and in some cases what they regard as an unbreakable bond. Others find ways of managing the relationship by reducing contact rather than estranging.

There are those who come to understand why someone has behaved they way they have, which of course doesn't condone it but does enable the one on the receiving end to have some understanding, and can be a major factor in the decision not to estrange.

That was really insightful thank you.

I know for a fact my MIL blames me as she recently text me asking me to see her son and grandchildren and how I promused not to cut her off like her other DIL.

I made no such promise I made non committal noises in response to being put in a very uncomfortable situation.

Bibbity

*I certainly agree though, that estrangement can be liberating and sometimes I don’t think you realise how bad it has been, till after you’ve escaped*

This resonates with me so much. When I see posters say that the only reason for cut off is physical or serial abuse I am genuinely puzzled.

Why would someone choose misery? Do they not believe in divorce either?

I think many feel that if they had to suffer, why shouldn’t you? It sounds absurd but you have plenty of people shouting it all the time.

You hear/read people saying “my mother or MIL was awful to me and I never abandoned her”.

At it’s core, this is the misery loves company attitude. Some people cannot fathom that their choice to not be happy or at peace isn’t something their son or daughter would choose. And if their son or daughter chooses differently than them, the son or daughter is automatically wrong. They don’t see the separation as breaking the cycle of dysfunctional relationships. They find it hard to see things from perspectives that are not squarely their own. They can be told over and over what someone’s reasons for wanting to end the relationship are prior to it even happening, and still claim to not know because those reasons do not resonate with them. The problem is that this attitude is a giant roadblock to self-reflection, growth, and subsequently reconciliation. So instead of accepting that the behavior they exhibited toward their offspring was at least partially wrong, they demonize the offspring and frequently assign blame to the spouse. My MIL likely blames me for my husband’s lack of relationship with her, but the truth is her own son found her to be a bit of an energy vampire.

Try not to worry ExDancer, that said I understand that just a few weeks can feel a lot longer in this situation.

May I suggest you email him and tell him that you want to respect what appears to be his wish at the moment to not have contact with you, so you wont contact him and wait for him to contact you when he's ready.

I hope it wont be long until he does so .

I think I may be the mother who is being 'no-contacted'.
We live 400 miles from my son who has had cancer. This has been completely removed, yet he is having chemo for a lymph node that has picked it up. It is making him feel very ill.
He rings me every week, but a couple of weeks ago he got annoyed because I mentioned Macmillans to him as a place he could get more information.
I obviously intended to be helpful, but he lost it and said he did NOT have cancer and if I continued to insist that he did he didn't want anything to do with me.
Now he's ignoring my phone and emails, and never rings.
(I have apologised of course).

As someone who has been fortunate to not have suffered from emotional abuse or to have had to consider going no contact, I found this article very interesting. The most pertinent point I think is the comparison to an abusive spouse and divorce which nobody would criticise you for. to those on here who have made the difficult decision.

I certainly agree though, that estrangement can be liberating and sometimes I don’t think you realise how bad it has been, till after you’ve escaped

This resonates with me so much. When I see posters say that the only reason for cut off is physical or serial abuse I am genuinely puzzled.

Why would someone choose misery? Do they not believe in divorce either?

Interesting Violetsky, I have to say though, that I don’t think my mother is a narcissist, she hasn’t got enough emotion for that.
She is unkind, cold, critical, spiteful, she makes me feel like the absolute worst version of myself, she made me feel ashamed, embarrassed, disgusting but apart from the odd smack we were not abused
I certainly agree though, that estrangement can be liberating and sometimes I don’t think you realise how bad it has been, till after you’ve escaped.

That article is really brilliant and the accuracy was a bit eerie.

For me it was my MIL and she did not have the stealth to mask her self like I have seen others talk about si after about 15 mins of meeting her I wondered what I had gotten myself into.
But because of that I've had so so much of the
"It's just what she's like"

And I do belive it. I do belive she is incapable of change. But that does not explain why we should be miserable and suffer by having her around.

I experienced more anger than my husband as I wanted to stop him experiencing the emotional manipulation and triangulation.

What mother argues with one son and then calls the other to stir?

Thanks vs