annodomini
I don't think I've ever known a narcissist, though I can think of one who might have qualified - I stopped seeing her when I discovered she was interested only in herself and her children. My question is: what makes a narcissist? Are they born that way, or is there something in their upbringing that ensures they think only of their own importance?
I'm not sure that has ever been discovered with certainty. They don't very often seek help so the picture isn't clear.
The research that has been done has pointed to a lot of different possible factors.
With my mother, I know she had a bad childhood. She describes her Dad as extremely verbally abusive and her mother as vain and neglectful. Her dad had a small amount of fame and money. He saw himself as powerful, he was an alcoholic, he eventually lost it it all. Her mother was appearance obsessed and favoured her brother.
My mother was never famous or powerful and never had money. She was much more sly and hidden in her approach.
She knows her childhood was not good because she will describe how hurt she was by it but in the next breath she defends it and says she would never have estranged and could never be as cruel as me.
She lost a lot of relationships early on because she is a jealous and controlling. The only relationship that worked was with my stepfather who is the same and they, sort of cancel each other out.
I think after she lost so many people, she learned to keep that side of herself hidden and first my stepbrother became her emotional punchbag and scapegoat and then when she drove him away, she turned on me. She needed in outlet so that she could maintain a facade to others. She perpetually plays victim and pretends vulnerability, illness and inability to understand or do things she can actually do very well. The same person who didn't understand Facebook while we were in a relationship (a cover for her faux pars on social media) has set up several different accounts to stalk me on literally every social platform available. She still periodically falls out with people and once they see through her they are often done for good. Yet she is also very good at making friends.
I don't know why I didn't take the same path. Given that she has been telling me I am worthless since I was small and accusing me of being all the things she is herself, maybe it would have been easy for me to just be that person she said I was.
I have seen a therapist and told him I'm crazy and a terrible person when she drove me ro breakdown but he reassured me I am not and that the problem is her.
And it's hard not to accept that is the truth. All my other relationships are healthy. The only people I struggle with are the ones like her.
What I did have growing up was a good father and exposure to positive healthy relationships. So perhaps that is what saved me. Or perhaps I am missing some genetic component. I just don't know.
Somewhere somehow, I have a resilience that fights her perceptions of me and that resilience is what saved me. I think that came from somewhere.
Because I think maybe abusing, gaslighting and manipulating people to get what they want in life is actually the easy option. And once they choose that path, and start lying to cover their behaviour it is incredibly difficult to stop and it just snowballs because they will do anything to avoid feeling guilt or shame for their behaviour.
Always be wary of people who try to tell you who you are.
