Actions speak louder than words

Thanks Jane Judge, yes it IS. He is totally jealous and irrational that his kids love me and have a great time here. Which is really SAD. Poor kids. That means he will try to stop them doing anything that they enjoy that he's not the centre of.

I can't prevent it.

Monica I'm not even sad for myself. I don't miss the coercion or abuse. It's the GC I am genuinely sad for. I got to a point where I felt I was dancing over the bullets and being breadcrumbed , played head games with- it was all so cruel but I kept doing it to see the GC- until he went too far and I can't really write about that online.

Poor, poor GC.

OnwardandUpward When I hear stories like yours I think 'There, but for the grace of God, go I'

Smileless2012

What better way to avoid facing up to one's own failings, than projecting them onto someone else Jane? It takes maturity and courage to accept one's fallibility and let's face it, we're all human, we all make mistakes don't we.

Yes, that is very true. I know I'm not perfect, why would I be?! It is impossible to expect anyone to be

Onwards, I can guarantee it is some sort of jealousy in a way and control.

I'm pleased for you Monica. Having spent my whole life blaming myself and learning at a late age to develop self esteem, I now don't take the blame for things that arent my fault. I will put my hands up to anything that is my fault, but not accept abuse when it's not.

I can't explain online, but I have been coerced and will also not be coerced by him anymore, which is why he is punishing me by using GC to hurt me. He's hurting them as well. I wish he could see that. But I remind myself that it's his child he's hurting and yet he has the cheek to attack my parenting. I always let my kids see family and also I never coerced or threatened my parents. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I have standards I will not drop below in how I care for others and we don't have the same values.

Nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes. The problem is, we are always told not to blame the children (young children) when things go wrong, because they are immature and vulnerable, so we blaame our selves.

But sometimes with the best will in the world, no matter how we try, we can find ourselves constantly at loggerheads with one child. I have two children. One read all the baby books before they were born and was sweet, biddable and obedient. The other also read the baby books prenatally, in order to tear them up and ignore them and my relationship with that child was fraught throughout their childhood.

Fortunately they also have an exceptional ability to know and understand themselves and as adults we have had many conversations about our relationship when they were a child and now have a very close relationship.

It isn't a question of blame, more of compatability and being able to respond to someone, when you just do not understand why they respond to everythng the waythey do.

Ps I just want to say, my GC really loved being here. I have pics and videos of this, but my son seemed really jealous of it.
What kind of parent would take something away from their child that their child really enjoys, just to try and cause someone else pain?

This is not about me (I can cope with loss, been here and got the t shirt!) but about denying a child access to a family that love them and who they enjoy spending time with. Apparently GC have been asking for me. Yet their "loving father" has done everything possible to make it impossible.

I really think he was jealous. And that's pathetic. Or he's trying to use GC to control me and has underestimated me. He will end up with nothing and his kids will hate him.

JaneJudge

Do you know, it's bloody great not being told everything is your fault all the time! Why does anyone have to be at fault of anything anyway, let alone all the time and how come it's always everyone else at fault and never them? This is something I have thought about a lot recently

Thankyou all Yes, Jane, you are so right! I have just enjoyed a whole seven days of utter peace with NO ONE telling me I'm a terrible human being

I have peace in knowing that I have done my best, yet accept that my best is never good enough for "some people" who don't seem to have ever tried their best. You can NOT DO better than your best, so I do not feel bad or wrong. "Some people" always find fault with everything, yet are never the ones to bring anything positive to the table. Well, it's a release to be free of the constant drip drip of poison.

Yes, the Queen was so right when she said that "grief is the price we pay for love". My poor GC loved seeing me and my son has taken that away from them and me. What an absolutely selfish Sh*t of a person he is because he wants everything to be all about him. Well, it's NOT and it's time he realised.

Onwardandupward - just that

Welcome words and this can help a lot of people.

What better way to avoid facing up to one's own failings, than projecting them onto someone else Jane? It takes maturity and courage to accept one's fallibility and let's face it, we're all human, we all make mistakes don't we.

We don't have to have relationships with anyone so abusive people need to be avoided

We can't fix what we didn't break

We can only support others healing journeys, should they choose them and it is safe for us to do so

Do you know, it's bloody great not being told everything is your fault all the time! Why does anyone have to be at fault of anything anyway, let alone all the time and how come it's always everyone else at fault and never them? This is something I have thought about a lot recently

You are doing the right thing. You cannot let someone continually abuse you just because they are family. I read one of your posts earlier today and his behaviour fits a pattern that I saw in one of my parents (now estranged) You don't have to keep feeling everything is your fault anymore but please if you can, see a counsellor to talk things through with them and short term it is going to be freeing but very difficult and long term it will just help you cope better

What you have done takes courage and a great deal of strength Onward. I hope that you will begin to heal and move forward with your life.

It's a terrible thing to know that your own child wants nothing to do with you but as M0nica has posted, Accepting the unchangeable, can be very freeing and leaves you free to grieve.

It's certainly been the case in our experience and I hope that it will be for you too .

What a sad situation *OnwardandUpward. But there is that saying about changing what we can change, accepting what we cannot change and having the wisdom to know the difference.

Accepting the unchangeable, can be very freeing and leaves you free to grieve. The late Queen said that 'Grief is the price we pay for love.'

I too am glad you are doing OK onwards and upwards ?

I hope this gives you some much needed peace!