Estrangement sucks

I think your daughter in law is amazing. Despite all this she is still sending you updates about your grandchildren.

I have to say I don't think I'd bother.

Just accept your son has made his choice. You are still his parents but he has made his life and it would be much better for you all if you could just make an effort.

This sounds very sad, fishing4life. You sound like a good person supporting your wife in a difficult place. Some people here will give you a hard time and tell you everything you and your wife did wrong. But maybe it hasn't happened to them yet or maybe they just enjoy telling other people off.

When your children grow up, the things they have the absolute right to choose to do can hurt you and other people in their family. Yes it can feel like your heart is broken, especially if you did not see it coming. Sounds like your wife especially is grieving the relationship and future with your son she thought she had. That's a big loss but one day she will come out of that pain - we always do. She will stop holding onto an image of a career and a relationship that have gone. Everyone else will be happy in what they are doing - because people do make the best of things - and she'll see she's the only one working to hold on to the hurt. Then perhaps she'll want a bridge back to the son she actually has. Maybe you being in contact with dil and the gc can be that bridge. Its not betraying her, its looking out for her in the future.

(I am speaking from my experience - dp and I thought celebrating our daughter's wedding to her long-term partner was the most romantic and happiest day of all our lives - turned out 2 years later the whole time she was having an affair with the person who is her new partner and now father of our gc. It was a complete shock that I still feel 50 times a day. But I have got used to my new feelings about her. I love her to bits, but I wouldn't again allow my happiness to depend on what she does - and indeed why should I or she have that responsibility. And although I would still rather her current partner had never existed, he isn't the marriage-wrecking slimeball of my imagination either. He's actually perfectly nice!)

I say that to give you an example that things can work out.
Things will never be the same again but they don't have to be bad. And yes it is worth being grateful that your dil does keep trying.

Hope you can all put it behind you and find happiness. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like, but maybe one day you will want to and you will be pleased you haven't acted to slam the door shut.

Personally I would avoid you at all costs!

Maybe if you accepted your DIL your son would follow.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but your son is correct in ending contact. The poor man has parents who seemingly hate the love of his life ( his wife ) who despite being able to completely pretend the two of you spoiled stubborn unreasonable people don’t exist - has made effort after effort of keeping you informed of your grandchildren and even meeting you half way so that you might see them meanwhile you claim
It’s not enough and you hate her? I suggest serious mental help for you and your wife .

And what are your objections to this lovely woman who has made so much effort you don’t deserve ? That her family was kind and generous enough to help your son pursue an education , a degree And a job ? That your son / despite apparently being raised by barnyard mules - was the kind of man who didn’t judge a single mother , and stepped to love and raise a child that was not biologically his own along with his own children? This may be the most outrageous thing I have ever seen on here - at least now that you’ve cut off your nose to save your face - your dil and grandchildren are spared the utter burden of your existence to them

Well, it's true, your opinions don't matter anymore. Not one bit. You laid a life out for your son and maybe his wife helped him to see that he could make a different choice, like go to college, if he wanted to. She gave him the gift of freedom. Your son sounds like a fine young man not judging his wife and being father to the child she had when they met. Your wife needs to get over it and realise her son grew up, made his own choices (appropriate), and his priority is now is wife (also appropriate). Team DIL here.

Casdon

I think this is a troll post.

Or a reverse.

Your DIL being accepted is a route to your son coming back. Frankly the problem is caused by you and your wife.

Your DIL is amazing for sending updates and an olive branch!

I’m not sure that this is for real.
But if it is your son has every reason to avoid you, and your daughter in law sounds lovely.

That first sentence shocked me "both hate". Hate is such a terrible word and causes all the trouble in the world. Try forgiveness, otherwise you'll both end up bitter and twisted. My sympathy is with your DIL.

I agree with the title of this thread fishing4life, estrangement does suck but I'm afraid that's all I agree with.

We have been estranged from our youngest son for almost 10 years which is his choice but your estrangement is clearly yours and your wife's, and appears to be because you don't, and have never approved of his wife.

The hardest thing about estrangement from one's own child is two fold. It is accepting that in all probability you will never see your adult child again, and that you will never know their children, your GC.

You and your wife, due to your mature and compassionate d.i.l. have had the opportunity to have a relationship with your GC and you have thrown that away.

It may not be too late to contact her and say how sorry you both are, for not appreciating and valuing the fact that despite you having no contact with your son, she has gone above and beyond to facilitate a relationship with your GC. She may be prepared to resume her efforts but of course she may not want to put herself and her children through this again.

15 years is a long time and I do think that the longer the estrangement lasts, the less likely the possibility for a reconciliation but that is usually because there is no contact, and you have had contact with your d.i.l.

My advice FWIW is as I have suggested to contact your d.i.l. and write to your son. There may still be a chance if you offer an unreserved apology for the way you have behaved toward him, his wife and their children.

If you've ever read the other threads on GN on estrangement, you will have seen that there are many parents who have no contact with their AC and GC due to the influence of their AC's partner.

I have never come across a case before where it is the 'hated' d.i.l./s.i.l. who has attempted to keep some level of contact and ultimately been rejected because if her p's.i.l. can't have their AC, they'd rather have nothing.

Oh, I believe it. My MIL is all about I'd rather have nothing than not have it my way. I reached out to her lots, until I gave up too. This situation might be more common than we think. Way to cut off your nose to spite your face.

The poster sounds like a very sad person. He and his wife can’t get over the fact that their son and his wife have made their own decisions about their future. I doubt if many of us have children who have done exactly as we wished. Mine certainly didn’t. But we still love them and want the best for them. Incidentally, I have a friend with not one but two children born out of wedlock. Her lovely new husband adopted them both! OTOH, is this a scam? The story sounds so far fetched.

Mandrake

Casdon

I think this is a troll post.

Or a reverse.

what is a reverse?

I suspect OP and wife are right fighters, many parents are even after they have raised their (now adult) children.

Needing to control how others live their lives is unacceptable.

Thinking your children must tell you when they're getting engaged, who they intend to marry, who they choose to adopt is ridiculous.

That "OP wife's father and brother both served their whole career in various branches of the service and my son did not inform us of his decision to go to college. We feel certain DIL influenced that decision. It’s just been too much for my wife to handle" is well beyond ridiculous reasoning.

Apart from any ridiculousness, OP and wife are just mean and don't deserve to be in the life of their son. Well done fully functioning adult son not allowing bad behaviour.

I agree with everyone's posts except the original poster. To them I want to say "What do you expect to happen?"

Yes this is probably the most fixable relationship on these boards, and yet you'd rather have nothing than bend a little and learn to love your DiL and Grandkids even though your son wantsa to be distant? If you're waiting for your son to return home and do everything you want him to, put you before his family, you might be waiting forever.

I was talking to our youngest daughter earlier today. Occurred to me maybe OP wife is spot on. I prefer our children to others (sil, gc, ggc).

I'd be distraught to lose contact with our daughters. I very carefully manage my expectation to them, apologise for any presumed slight, and I never assume that by age and experience I'm correct in any situation.

I'd never discuss anything with daughters' partners. I only converse to our children to reconcile any problems/ expectations.

I never apologise for something I havent done. I assume my daughter knew me well enough to to expect me to.

Not! To expect me to.

Talk about cutting your nose to spite your face.

I think your son sounds fantastic, and his wife as well. I’m sure they’re raising great kids.

You, on the other hand…

Smileless2012

I agree with the title of this thread fishing4life, estrangement does suck but I'm afraid that's all I agree with.

We have been estranged from our youngest son for almost 10 years which is his choice but your estrangement is clearly yours and your wife's, and appears to be because you don't, and have never approved of his wife.

The hardest thing about estrangement from one's own child is two fold. It is accepting that in all probability you will never see your adult child again, and that you will never know their children, your GC.

You and your wife, due to your mature and compassionate d.i.l. have had the opportunity to have a relationship with your GC and you have thrown that away.

It may not be too late to contact her and say how sorry you both are, for not appreciating and valuing the fact that despite you having no contact with your son, she has gone above and beyond to facilitate a relationship with your GC. She may be prepared to resume her efforts but of course she may not want to put herself and her children through this again.

15 years is a long time and I do think that the longer the estrangement lasts, the less likely the possibility for a reconciliation but that is usually because there is no contact, and you have had contact with your d.i.l.

My advice FWIW is as I have suggested to contact your d.i.l. and write to your son. There may still be a chance if you offer an unreserved apology for the way you have behaved toward him, his wife and their children.

If you've ever read the other threads on GN on estrangement, you will have seen that there are many parents who have no contact with their AC and GC due to the influence of their AC's partner.

I have never come across a case before where it is the 'hated' d.i.l./s.i.l. who has attempted to keep some level of contact and ultimately been rejected because if her p's.i.l. can't have their AC, they'd rather have nothing.

I agree with Smileless. Surely it would be better for you if you accepted the way things are, reached out to your DIL and apologised for not responding to her kind efforts to update you on your grandchildren and meet up with you. If you said you hoped she would forgive you and give you another chance to have a relationship with her, maybe you could build a bridge with her and also get to see your son and your grandchildren.

I feel your son was entitled to choose his own partner and his own career. Staying angry with his wife isn’t going to change his choices.

I’m sure you would be happier showing love to both of them and to your grandchildren than bearing grudges. And your wife too, if she follows your example.

MissAdventure

I never apologise for something I havent done. I assume my daughter knew me well enough to to expect me to.

I've always apologised for anything perceived as my failure. Doesn't matter if I remember it the way of someone else's reality.

I don't question others' reality - apart from a potential disagreement, the upset makes me unhappy.

Others manage their expectations differently. All right to me.

How lovely of your son to take his stepfather role so seriously and to be so committed to the child he took on. I note from your comments you have no interest in the stepchild.

Your son gets to choose his wife and career. He sounds as if he has a lovely wife with a supportive family. Maybe not the wife and family you wanted but it sounds as if you are the ones missing out.

Mandrake

Casdon

I think this is a troll post.

Or a reverse.

That’s the only thing that makes sense