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Estrangement

Family Photos

(37 Posts)
VioletSky Sun 06-Nov-22 12:27:03

I was looking through photos of my childhood today, and it was surprising to me that every time I was the main subject, there I was with this big smile. Every time I wasn't the main subject but included I don't look happy.

The photos where I am smiling are often thrown at me as proof of a wonderful childhood.

My photos are different. I prefer candid photos and the ones where my children have known they are the subject, they will have big cheesy grins except for my daughter who is autistic. She doesn't communicate non verbally (although she may learn to one day) with smiling the way a lot of us do. So she won't smile for the camera, you have to catch genuine smiles or laughs. I also display many photos that are also beautiful without smiles.

There are all these family photos of me smiling for the camera and I look at them and remember where we were and what was happening at that point in my life that made me unhappy.

So I wonder... do parents who were abusive look at those photos and remember what they were saying or doing to hurt you? Or do those photos where you were told to smile under threat of making them angry change their perceptions and their memories when they look back at them?

Smileless2012 Sat 10-Feb-24 17:43:42

We have loads of the boys Blubelle and we must have spent a small fortune on school ones because we've at least 4 of each, for each of them for every primary school year!!!

BlueBelle Sat 10-Feb-24 17:37:38

I have loads of childhood photos as my grandad had a great interest in photography and as an only grandchild he took loads I have them all but no memories of them being taken or how I felt at the time they were taken
I also have loads and loads of my grandchildren through the years and the grandkids love looking through them

Smileless2012 Sat 10-Feb-24 17:33:41

I don't think that makes you unusual Allsorts I hate having my photo taken, so tend to forget about it as soon as possible.

VioletSky Sat 10-Feb-24 17:04:47

It ended up being very cathartic

Looking at the little girl who did not deserve to be treated so badly, I let go a lot of internalised blame

VioletSky Sat 10-Feb-24 16:53:31

I did eventually put together a box of photos and heirlooms

I took out a few photos with just myself as a child in them to keep with my main photo collection that I look at and spent a great deal of time putting together a family box and album that will be passed down too.

Future generations will just see family photos and nothing more, if these photos are kept in an age where people no longer accumulate a lot of clutter like this lol

Allsorts Tue 10-Jan-23 14:56:00

Having said that, I'm sure if I had been mistreated I would remember it all. So I've been lucky in that respect. It's hard for me to understand how a mother can't love her child, yet some don't , its often on the news, it's unnatural.

Allsorts Tue 10-Jan-23 14:45:06

I am impressed that people remember their photos being taken, I don't. I would say it's Only one or two for me of anything pre 10/11 years of age that I remember. Does that make me unusual? Certainly don't remember my thoughts. I very much took things as they came and I never questioned how my parents felt about me, they looked after me and I was happy. In those days parents were not going "love you " every time you spoke, no need,we knew. I think we were more stoic and got on with things, we didn't examine feelings. People are best friends almost straight away now much more touchy freely.

Kate1949 Mon 28-Nov-22 09:46:32

It's true that the bad memories seem to sit at the forefront of our minds. I have found this more as I have git older. I was frightened every day as a child (at home and at school). Unfortunately a frightened, traumatised child can become a frightened, traumatised adult.

JaneJudge Sun 27-Nov-22 19:56:27

I have realised how cruel they were, how I am not like that - so it is positive, even though it is painful. Only do what you can cope with x

VioletSky Sun 27-Nov-22 19:53:03

Janejudge

It always seems to me that the unhappy memories stick with you the most. That makes it so much more difficult.

Also the times you embarass yourself that like to intrude on you when you want to sleep lol

Thank you for saying that, it is a positive step to be ready to do this and I hadn't thought of it that way

JaneJudge Sun 27-Nov-22 19:48:42

VioletSky

Blondiescot it's so sad that so many of us didn't learn this truth until our 40s

Do you think it's raising our own children that eventually wakes us or maybe coupled with parents getting older and being less able to hide their behaviour from others?

We did wake up though, that's the important thing smile and it's never to late to find our own way

this is true Violet
Hitting my 40s and my children growing up and over the age I was when I was estranged by my parent really brought things into focus for me. I think part of it is just having time to process things and feeling ready too

I have also done all this with the photos too. I was on none with my estranged parent even when they were in my life. I even remembered where I sat with my sibling at one huge family party and there is a photo of them on another table laughing with the table there is one photo where they are obviously glaring at me and it was over 30 years ago!

VioletSky Sun 27-Nov-22 19:41:40

There are always going to be things that impact children negatively, like divorce, bereavement and financial struggles but every child has the right to be safe and they should definitely all feel loved

Barmeyoldbat Sun 27-Nov-22 18:29:25

In many ways I have always thought I had the perfect childhood and I think I gave pretty much the same to my children. My dad took hundreds of photos of our daily life and would developer them himselfand put them in albums. I just love looking at these photos and it brings memories flooding back. I am sorry for those who didn’t have a childhood as good as mine, it’s every child’s right

Chestnut Sun 27-Nov-22 18:10:00

I think preparing an album for descendants is important, so they can see the family members. Either scan the photos (or negatives) and learn how to put them on a page with some writing for printing. Or put the original photos into a photo album with a piece of paper next to them (either handwritten or on the computer). In both cases the writing tells them at the very least who the people are and when and where the pictures were taken. You can write a whole lot more about yourself or your family, and imagine reading that 100 years later.

Blondiescot Sun 27-Nov-22 17:19:46

VioletSky flowers
Yes, I think for me anyway, it was having my own children and realising that I could never treat either of them the way my mother treated me. My love for them was - and still is - unconditional. Yes, there may be times when I don't like or agree with some of the things they do, but it doesn't affect the deep down love I have for them. And that's when I realised my mother was never going to love me in the way I loved my children.

VioletSky Sun 27-Nov-22 16:35:42

Blondiescot it's so sad that so many of us didn't learn this truth until our 40s

Do you think it's raising our own children that eventually wakes us or maybe coupled with parents getting older and being less able to hide their behaviour from others?

We did wake up though, that's the important thing smile and it's never to late to find our own way

Blondiescot Sun 27-Nov-22 16:29:33

VioletSky, I can relate to that. My mother was the same. It took me the best part of 40 years to realise that no matter what I did, what I achieved in life, I'd never be good enough for her. But rest assured that you are NOT a failure or worthless. When you look at those photos and see that sad little child, remind yourself that you have survived, you have become your own person and made your own life.

VioletSky Sun 27-Nov-22 16:13:39

I think the thing about the photos

This may sound melodramatic

I've spent a great deal of my life being told who I am by my mother. That I'd never amount to anything. That I was a failure, worthless, didn't have anything worthwhile to say.

I believed her for a long time and it wasn't until I did counselling several years ago that I was able to put the pieces together and see just how much she sabotaged my education, my friendships and my family relationships. I tried to rebel at at times but was always told she didn't say that, she didn't do that, I am imagining things and I'm crazy.

So this all leads to finding these photos difficult to look at because they are from the time there was a battle in my head between who I was and who she told me I was.

I still struggle now to like myself, to feel confident in my abilities.

But slowly I'm learning who I really am and what I really want and I've been making it happen.

The little sad child in those photos exists still inside of me, as does the voice of her mother.

But I'm fighting it now and I'm winning. These photos with their false smiles and unhappy memories do not get to take me backwards.

So I am choosing the ones that deserve to be brought forwards and family photos are slowly being correlated into something I don't ever need to look at once it is done. With factual labels of who they are and how we are related.

Chances are, maybe no one will look at those again.

MerylStreep Sat 26-Nov-22 09:19:22

Kate1949
Same here. One of me when I was about 6 months and one where I’m about 3?

biglouis Sat 26-Nov-22 09:11:06

I have kept very few family photos. I am told that I was very jealous when my parents had my sister after 7 years of being an only child. Certainly I never wanted a brother or sister. I was also told by them that I behaved very badly and was always "naughty". My mother had what was then called "pregnancy heart problems" over the birth and I can remember being told that it was my fault that my mother was ill because I was a naughty child. What a thing to say to a 7 year old child.

In all the photos with my parents I either look glum or I am actually scowling in a deliberate attempt to spoil the photo. Whereas in the few I have with my grandmother I am smiling,

I think that says a lot about my family relationships. The only family photo I have on display now is one of my grandmother in a ball gown when she was in her 20s.

Smileless2012 Sat 26-Nov-22 09:00:46

I'm the same Blondiescot so there aren't very many of me either.

Blondiescot Fri 25-Nov-22 21:01:41

I detest having my photo taken, so I'm not in our family photos. My kids joke that if I ever went missing, there'd be no 'missing person' posters, as there wouldn't be any photos of me to put on them!

Kate1949 Fri 25-Nov-22 16:20:24

There are maybe two photos of me as a child taken by a neighbour. No one in our family owned a camera and my parents never bought school photos. We never had holidays so no holiday snaps.

VioletSky Thu 24-Nov-22 16:02:34

Spring20

“I was saying I have unhappy memories attached to a lot of the photos” VS

I hope you can find some photos where the memories are happier VS, and if so that they help in some way. I’m sorry so many remind you of sadness.

It was suggested I keep the ones that feel OK, and keep pictures of family in a seperate one.

My Dad has also sent me some pictures to use as well which really helps

I just find it so sad, the only time we they were really happy and there was no arguing or put downs were family holidays. I wish it could have been like that all the time. But some of those are good memories. It was like a switch when we got home

Spring20 Thu 24-Nov-22 12:13:59

“I was saying I have unhappy memories attached to a lot of the photos” VS

I hope you can find some photos where the memories are happier VS, and if so that they help in some way. I’m sorry so many remind you of sadness.