Overcoming "Fat, stupid and lazy" insults

Such dreadful experiences. I can't imagine calling anyone any of these names, let alone your own child. My own childhood was pretty horrendous but was never called names. We were pretty much fed, clothed but otherwise neglected and of course witnessed dreadful violence

onward dnupward I empathise with you. <y mother who died some years ago was continuing to haunt me in eath as she promised. I heard on Gransnet about a book entitle 'It's not you it's your Mother' which I devoured. The book seemed to know me and what went on and I finally managed to get some peace. I now know that I could have got the Nobel Prize for Peace and mother wouldn't have been impressed. I wish I hadn't spent years and years trying to do so. I wish I had cut her off but couldn't as I loved my dad and he needed protection form her too. Don't let your Mother destroy your life get some protection for your mental health. I hope you can have a Happy Christmas.

Reading more on this post I feel so sad that so many of you have had such damaging experiences.

As sad as I am to read posts like this I am also inspired by how determined you all are to firstly Survive and then find ways to Thrive.

As sad as these situations are reading this proves just how many Smart, Wonderful, Strong, Determined and Powerful humans there are out there.

All of us winning against our abusers everyday in big ways and small victories.

One of the Rights from the Bill of Human Rights is "I have the Right to be Safe".

May you all have the best possible day, a survivable Christmas and be Safe from those who seek to harm you.

Kate1949

Such dreadful experiences. I can't imagine calling anyone any of these names, let alone your own child. My own childhood was pretty horrendous but was never called names. We were pretty much fed, clothed but otherwise neglected and of course witnessed dreadful violence

So sorry Katie1949

Neglect and violence is never ok. I did experience neglect but not violence except for GBH of the "earoles". Hugs.

BigBertha1

*onward dnupward* I empathise with you. <y mother who died some years ago was continuing to haunt me in eath as she promised. I heard on Gransnet about a book entitle 'It's not you it's your Mother' which I devoured. The book seemed to know me and what went on and I finally managed to get some peace. I now know that I could have got the Nobel Prize for Peace and mother wouldn't have been impressed. I wish I hadn't spent years and years trying to do so. I wish I had cut her off but couldn't as I loved my dad and he needed protection form her too. Don't let your Mother destroy your life get some protection for your mental health. I hope you can have a Happy Christmas.

Thanks so much Big Bertha1
That sounds like an amazing book! I will try to get it! I have known for many years that it is her and not me. It's all about her, it's always been all about her and it always will be all about her

My Dad now makes out that he was her victim, but unfortunately I know that together they both did evil things to other people as well as me. Nobody who knows them would ever imagine it, they are so good at appearing "nice". Both of them now pretend to be victims of other people, but quite honestly the people who they demonise are often the ones they harmed.

Still waiting for one of her friends to have a go at me again. But next time I won't just respect my elders and take it, I will deliver a few home truths.

💐💐 and (((hugs))) to OP and everyone else who has suffered like this.

A friend of a dd, who’s actually very attractive and normally bright, but not academic, has I know suffered very much from an utterly poisonous, horrible mother who has for many years called her useless, a piece of shit, etc.
She seems quite unable to cut off contact, though - it’s terribly sad.

Thanks Witzend Hugs back to you and to everyone else who suffers.

The thing is, these toxic people see the potential in us and try to squash it, kill it, consume us. I read a quote that says "They know your potential, they just want to make sure that you don't see it"

I haven't been able to cut off contact either, but low contact.

If you ever meet my mother (or another mother who is like this), she is the one with only bad things to say about her daughter/child/children. I know this as she pocket dialled me.

No idea if this was an accident or deliberate, but I have suspected it for years anyway, after she got her friends to pick on me and have a go for things that weren't even true.

I could have written the opening post myself! I was a plain child with an outstandingly pretty sister. During my teen years I put on a lot of weight and my parents were constantly on about it.

I will never forget that I was revising for GCE when my mother was bustling about in the kitchen making the evening meal. I heard my father say "Why dont you get that fat slob (meaning me) to get up off her lazy ass and help you?"

I have never forgotten this. In later years I taxed him with it and they both denied it.

It was never good enough for my parents that I had a successful career and went on to earn the highest degree you can get in this country at a time when a doctorate actually meant something.

I later went low contact with my parents.

What a horrible thing to say biglouise, no wonder you've never forgotten it.

Well done for achieving your doctorate and for succeeding at your chosen career.

Haha! Been there in spades. Having been born with autism, dyspraxia and ADHD, and none of those being understood when I started school in 1959, I was written off as clumsy, stupid, lazy and a bit weird.

My mother was queen of the put downs and I'd just be waiting for the next insult. My brother was a victim too, my sister was adored.

As an adult, I took little notice, having heard so much rubbish spouted against others, with no logic or reason to it.

Anyone fat was lazy or greedy, according to her (quite funny, as she was hardly slim herself). Poverty was caused by not marrying 'well', not working hard enough - or spending unwisely - simple.

The slightest physical fault was feared and hated, causing rejection, constant comments and victim blaming. She was to be centre-stage, never questioned or interrupted, ruling the roost.

My lovely father just worshipped her - so she slowly got worse over the years. He was aware of her faults, though, and quietly told us to take no notice - as she wasn't well.

A strange childhood that led to my limiting contact with the grandchildren - as I had to be there to defend them. She was better behaved in public, a tyrant at home. I had detached myself emotionally, early on, so didn't feel sad (or anything) when she died.

Thank you OnwardandUpward. I'm sorry for what you experienced too.

It didn't kill us............it simply made us stronger!

Feeling so sorry for some of the posters on here. Reading your posts, it sounds like your Mum's etc are Narcissistic. There was a very interesting thread over on Mumsnet not long ago about Narcissistic mother's. There are a lot more of them out there then you would think!

It didn't make me stronger. I'm a quivering wreck waiting for the next bad thing.

It's funny that this should come up today. I was clearing my mother's house and going through photos. In it was one of me aged 11 and I remarked to my husband how fat I was. He looked at it and asked me why I thought I was fat because I looked just a normal weight to him. I explained that my mother lectured me for the entire summer holidays about being so fat and I felt wretched. She has never missed a chance to make a cutting remark about the size of my stomach, my manly figure, etc.
I have learned to let the comments go over my head now but the damage was awful for years. She lies, she cheats and is completely narcissistic but I figure she has to live with herself, I can get away from her. I know which one of us is happier.

Onward and those that had such bad mothers or fathers, so sorry, I can’t begin to understand how that must have made you feel, nothing can take that pain away, but now you see them for what they are, cruel and unfeeling.. Nothing would make any of treat our children that way. ,You know it now for what us was, abuse, you owe them nothing. Concentrate on you and those you love and the life you’ve made. I have had so many dark days since my d estranged me, wonder how she justifies it. I think back to my parents and the love they gave me, to my husband who died too young but we had many wonderful years together. In my darkest hours it keeps me going. It doesn’t matter if your pretty or not, everyone has their unique qualities, a kind heart and a genuine like of people is worth so much more, too much emphasis is put on being perfect, but we are all good enough.
Leave those toxic people where they belong, in the past.

biglouis

I could have written the opening post myself! I was a plain child with an outstandingly pretty sister. During my teen years I put on a lot of weight and my parents were constantly on about it.

I will never forget that I was revising for GCE when my mother was bustling about in the kitchen making the evening meal. I heard my father say "Why dont you get that fat slob (meaning me) to get up off her lazy ass and help you?"

I have never forgotten this. In later years I taxed him with it and they both denied it.

It was never good enough for my parents that I had a successful career and went on to earn the highest degree you can get in this country at a time when a doctorate actually meant something.

I later went low contact with my parents.

So sorry BigLouis Sending hugs! It's so hurtful isn't it! My Dad never stops criticising "big women" and also let it be known at the weekend what a disappointment I am that I do not have his character!!! Thankfully I do not!!! Also thankfully, I was able to take this with interest and grace, having done some healing. I understand now that he takes everything personally, including and especially the fact that I am my own person, have not allowed him to dictate who I am (Or am not!) He said that according to him I have failed, so I said that according to me, I have not.

Somehow he can never admit (to me) that I have excelled and done things he can only dream of. How dare I not stay within his boundaries (I mean control) of my life. HAHA. I do not look for parental approval. I accept that I will never have it and do not want to change myself in order to chase something that never was and never will be.

I was never "good enough" and never will be "good enough", but for the right people I am always GOOD ENOUGH. We all are. It just depends who you're with. I really think the secret to happiness is being with the right people who love and accept you as you are and encourage you to be the best version of yourselves. Sending hugs to everyone going through this and please remember, they make everything about them including us being who we are. But not everything is about them and they can't handle that. Yes, narcs.

Thankyou all for the lovely messages Allsorts, Icanhandthemback , Smileless , LadyHonoriaDeadlock , ForestFlame, Kate1949 , Hetty58 and everyone else. Sending you festive hugs and remember that when someone throws mud, flowers grow. I think we have to thrive, despite them.

What a great post Onward. Reading how you cope with your father's comments with such control and calmness is admirable and made me smile.

OnwardandUpward is the perfect user name for you.

Thanks so much Smileless. Even earlier in the year his comments used to hurt me so much, but it's all he really has. (his hatefulness and desire to pull me down is all he really has, because at his age he has decided not to achieve or do anything new and cannot stand to see a woman do it)

Yes, my Dad is a huge Misogynist. All my life he has tried to stop me from being me. And now he's actually admitted he wanted me to be a carbon copy of him, I actually see how sad it is, that he cannot ever want the best for me while he only wants everything to be about him.

Reading back through the posts, I see a lot of the abuse was caused by people whose parents with quite severe mental health problems. This is where I have difficulties , if a person is mentally ill, does that excuse their behaviour as they are not rational. I have had to put up with a lot of problems and had to suffer in silence by someone with a diagnosed mental illness and put up with the unacceptable. I do not however see that person too much, I can’t imagine how it would be living with them though. The same if you have a child with a mental illness, it must drive parents to desperation. I don’t think I could have coped with it.

You don't really know any different though, Allsorts. I was quite old before I realised my mother had a personality disorder and I really thought I was fat because that was what I had been told. You might be unhappy (I was) but I grew up being told that you can't just lay down and die when you are unhappy, you just have to get on with it, so you do. I think I just learned to suppress emotion.

So sorry to hear that Icanhandthemback and Allsorts. I was forced to suppress emotion (and punished for showing any) and it has taken me years to show any. Even now I still can't cry. Maybe a tear escapes and rolls down my cheek, but I cannot cry.

I know they were ill . I don't take it personally, what was said and done. It was never me because it was all about them. But, the damage was still done, whether they intended or understood the consequences of their actions or not. Whatever the reason for the abuse, the outcome is trauma.

OnwardandUpward. How sad. My parents weren't mentally ill. My father was a violent, abusive, selfish, chain smoking, womanising drunk. He was handsome, smart and well dressed while his 7 children were fed, clothed thanks to my mother who was downtrodden and afraid of him, but there was no love or guidance. We never owned a toothbrush, had our hair brushed, we were scruffy, had nits and other parents told their children not to play with us. There is more but not for putting down here. People wonder why I am a nervous wreck.