Overcoming "Fat, stupid and lazy" insults

Kate1949, my Mum had this sort of childhood and although her mother was very kind to me, she could be equally scathing to my Mum and so the dysfunctional family life rolled on. It is really why I can stay in contact but draw my line in the sand so I don't keep getting hurt.
One of my proudest moments was when I heard my son telling my sister (who is struggling in her own family life) is that he is so glad he got a Mum who broke the cycle. I know I have had my moments (long ones) where the cycle started to repeat itself but I am glad that overall my children don't think I was unkind and they definitely knew I wouldn't lie to them.

icanhandthemback. Wonderful that your son said that. Well done for coming through.

So sorry Kate1949 I can see why you are a nervous wreck and hope you can find a safe place to talk about it and find ways to cope.
Icanhandthemback thats extremely positive, well done! It can be very hard going against the conditioning to become the parent we wish we had had. I have done my best to do this, but only have a good relationship with my youngest as the oldest spent a lot of time with my parents and turned out like them. From an early age, my greatest wish was that I should not turn out like my parents, who were full of stress , strife and toxic behaviours.

I had no ambitions for our daughter. I just wanted her to be clean and cared for, to not feel left out at school, stripped of confidence like I was. I wanted to give her holidays, data out etc which I never had. She has turned out well and has brought up a beautiful, talented daughter of her own.

That's wonderful Kate1949 you have done an amazing job, despite your parents. Well done

I never had any self esteem as a child, teenager or in early adulthood. In fact, I didn't start to build any til I met my husband and we ended up doing therapy that exposed the past.

No confidence or self esteem here either. Having all your teeth removed at 11 makes sure of that.

Oh no ALL of them! So sorry Kate1949.

Yes. Through neglect. Makes for a very happy child (not). Then a few years ago I lost all my hair.

So sorry, that's all very stressful Kate1949

I was neglected, but in ways I don't want to write about because it's a bit identifying.

OnwardandUpward

So sorry Kate1949 I can see why you are a nervous wreck and hope you can find a safe place to talk about it and find ways to cope.
Icanhandthemback thats extremely positive, well done! It can be very hard going against the conditioning to become the parent we wish we had had. I have done my best to do this, but only have a good relationship with my youngest as the oldest spent a lot of time with my parents and turned out like them. From an early age, my greatest wish was that I should not turn out like my parents, who were full of stress , strife and toxic behaviours.

I made the same mistake with my daughter, OnwardandUpwardand it caused all sorts of problems for us as a family but fortunately, I had a great counsellor before I made the same mistake with my boys. My relationship with my daughter has got a lot stronger since my Mum has had dementia because she hasn't got the wherewithal to keep up her flow of disinformation/lies. Coupled with my daughter having her own children she can now see how that undermining relationship affected her. I also own my part of the equation (unlike my mother) and I think that helps.

Thank you, Kate1949 for your kind words. I hope you can look at your daughter and grandchild with a sense of great pride. Keep telling yourself that you are a good person and deserve to be happy.

I'm glad your relationship has got easier with your daughter Icanhandthemback Sad that it's taken your Mother having dementia for her to be rendered harmless, but I suspect this is the case for many abusive parents. It is important to own your own part. Well done and I'm happy for you that you have a stronger relationship. I have always owned my own part (unlike my mother who has never taken responsibility for anything in her life because it is always "someone else's fault")

Yes you ae a good person and deserve to be happy Kate1949 and everyone who's reading this who has done their best for their kids despite being emotionally crippled.