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Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

(1001 Posts)
Smileless2012 Mon 12-Dec-22 08:52:03

Here we are again dear friends, with the next support thread to help anyone whose life has been forever blighted by estrangement.

The tenth anniversary of our estrangement is fast approaching and for me, the care and friendship the support thread has given has been priceless, so as 2023 approaches let's keep doing all we can to be there for one another, and for the friends we've yet to meet.

Spring20 Wed 31-May-23 20:30:40

Thank you all for words of common sense as ever. It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been estranged, how we’ve managed to adjust to it, how well we’re managing our emotions….there are days when it just bites again. I agree with all that’s said above - kindness to others is the only way to not let E win.

Whiff Thu 01-Jun-23 05:16:00

DiamondLily sending this today as you will be busy tomorrow. I hope all goes well with your husband's funeral tomorrow. I am sure if your step children turn up and start a fuss your family and friends will gladly deal with them and throw them out if necessary. Just surround yourself with those that love you and your husband. And remember those who love you both will be feeling as you do and remember him as he was when he was fit and healthy. And all the funny,daft and kind things he did. But most of all the love he gave to you ,your children,other family and friends. It will be a day of sorrow and joy. And probably laughter when people recall times spent with him. After tomorrow you will never have to deal directly with his children ever again.

After the funeral you may feel very down but that's only to be expected as his children have already put you through a lot of unnecessary stress and worry. Just remember you where loved by a wonderful man and returned that love every day you where together. You were eachothers other half and that you completed eachother. As you already know life will never be the same and given time you will learn to cope with your new present and future . But the love you shared will never die and he will forever be your husband. Get through each day the best way you can and talk to him out loud it will comfort you.

All my best wishes to you and your family 💐

DiamondLily Thu 01-Jun-23 07:00:21

Thank you, @Whiff - that's lovely.

And thanks to all of you - I'll just be glad when the funeral is over. The stress is getting me down, although it's nice to have all the family together for once.💐

Yoginimeisje Thu 01-Jun-23 08:26:22

Lots of posts today, still lots for me to read, so I'll just put a little post on now and read on.

Joey is going for his bath & haircut today, can't wait to see him after, he always looks so smart! He needs cutting every 8 weeks, which works out very expensive over the year, what with his £250 medical cover and £150 vet health cover too and of course his chicken dinners every day! So, I'm going to try booking him in every 12wks and in-between doing him myself.

I had same thing Smiles being shown a newspaper picture of the class end of term pictures, looking hard to spot my beloved GD.

I have so many birds in my garden now, love sitting here watching them and the squirrels.

Yoginimeisje Thu 01-Jun-23 08:39:59

Welcome NanaDana You and your H have been so kind and generous to your son. His problem was that as he didn't buy his houses or cars he had no respect for them and just let them go as they did. If he'd worked hard for the things he had he wouldn't have let things slip as they did. You can't keep giving and have all that you've given thrown in the bin without thought!

Best of luck with tomorrow DL flowers

Smileless2012 Thu 01-Jun-23 10:53:06

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers DL flowers x

NanaDana Thu 01-Jun-23 11:16:19


Welcome NanaDana You and your H have been so kind and generous to your son. His problem was that as he didn't buy his houses or cars he had no respect for them and just let them go as they did. If he'd worked hard for the things he had he wouldn't have let things slip as they did. You can't keep giving and have all that you've given thrown in the bin without thought!

Best of luck with tomorrow DL flowers

Quite true, Yoginmeisje. It was only when the Bank of Mum and Dad closed its doors on him that he cut off all contact, indicating that all we ever were to him was a soft touch. We should have shut those doors years ago and saved ourselves a lot of money, and even more heartache.. but you live and learn. Fortunately he's well and truly out of our lives now, and the whole family is enjoying the fresh air.

Allsorts Thu 01-Jun-23 13:17:44

DL All the best for tomorrow, hope all goes smoothly, but I remember it going as if was in a dream.💐

Spring20 Thu 01-Jun-23 19:51:54

All the best for tomorrow DL. Will be a strange day but I hope it is also a lovely celebration of his life and love. Sending love 💐

hugshelp Thu 01-Jun-23 22:48:23

Hope all goes well DL. xxx

Smileless2012 Fri 02-Jun-23 17:52:06

Been thinking about you all day DL. hope you're OK flowers.

Whiff Sat 03-Jun-23 06:28:26

DiamondLily I woke thinking about you and hoped that your step children if they turned up behaved themselves. If not I hope your loved ones and friends quickly dealt with them.

Now comes the hard part as it hasn't been hard enough already. People will disappear on you but at least you know who truly loves and cares for you. Also the realisation that you are truly alone and just half a person. Well that's how I felt and still feel after 19 years. Making a new present and future is hard. But you must look after yourself as much as you don't want to . I thought it was hard enough before my husband's funeral but afterwards was worse as it drums home he is gone forever. Some days didn't feel like washing or brushing my teeth but I had to . And it's hard. I found after about 6 months some people thought I would be over my grief so I cut them out of my life. They would never understand grief never dies as the years go by you learn to cope.

People only think of grief as if a person dies but I have found over the years grief applies to other things. Estrangement is a living grief,lost of health and ability to do things you could do a few months or years ago you can no longer do. Grief at the loss of a much loved pet . Grief of the life you had before. But in my case when my husband died I had people dependant on me so I existed and didn't live the life I wanted. It wasn't until I moved did I finally live my life to the full. My husband made me promise to live the best life I can and I do. But my love and grief for him is a constant companion.

Take each day as it comes but don't try and be brave and hold your feelings in. If the rage and anger hasn't hit you yet it will come but go with it. I know in my case grief can suddenly be overwhelming and at times still feel that rage and anger. Lost count of the times I have shouted this shouldn't be my life. But I always feel better afterwards. I then see my husband with that stupid grin on his face.

Moving for me gave me a life the life I had wanted and needed. Cost me my son and grandson's but that's his choice not mine . But I have gained so much more. I see my daughter and 2 grandson's every week and my son in law if he's not working. They where here Wednesday. My daughter changed my bed and made up the spare bed for my friends visit on 19th. My grandsons love my long handled dusters and carpet sweeper. While the 2.5 year old used it his 5 year old brother climbed up and dusted off my pictures and ceilings. Makes me laugh seeing them doing it and the little ones loves to sweep my kitchen floor with the broom.

I know how lucky I am to have a wonderful daughter ,son in law and my grandson's. My daughter and I do has disagreements but they are aired and forgotten. Unlike her brother she is neither cruel or cowardly.

On another thread which I won't post on one as I would lock horns with a poster and get deleted again and warned by GN.
But having a bad upbringing doesn't mean you become bad parents my dad and husband are proof of that.As I have said before neither of them knew what a real family was until dad met mom and my husband me. We all have free will and the ability to know right from wrong. How we use them is up to us. Some like our estranged children decided not to face up to their problems and blame us when in fact they should take a good hard look at themselves and what's really going on in their lives but won't because it's easier to blame someone else and parents are easy targets. I have been called vindictive and manipulative but my son will never face me and explain what I have supposed to have done. Because he would have to admit he's wrong and face his own life .

But for my own peace of mind had to close that chapter of my life . I gave him 3 years. And that's as much I am willing to put up with. I spent the last 3 years wishing for something that I can't have. In the mean time my mobility has gotten worse and but I find ways of doing what I want. And will not let my disability stop me living my life to the full. Would never admit to being disabled until my diagnosis last year as to me it seemed wrong. But Drs who hadn't dismissed me as putting it on, attention seeking,mentally ill or a fake had told me I was disabled. I finally have a proven label so wear it with pride. But I could hear my husband saying of course you had to have something rare. But it makes me a member of a select group of unique people who have helped me realise why my live has been like it has . I am no longer weird. Well not in the health department.

Take care everyone it's going to be another hot one and supposed to be getting hotter next week. 🥵

Madgran77 Sat 03-Jun-23 07:22:25

DL I hope it all went as well as you wished it to ⚘

Smileless2012 Sat 03-Jun-23 08:55:59

I wish it was hot here Whiff on the East Coast, it's been pretty miserable TBH. Sunshine yesterday but not warm enough by any means to sit outside and read, which I love to do especially here at our lodge.

DL (((hugs))) flowers x

Whiff Sat 03-Jun-23 11:49:13

Just done couple of hours weeding but to hot. It's 23.5 ° in my living room.🥵🥵🥵

Smileless2012 Mon 05-Jun-23 12:03:47

Hope you all had a good weekend.

DS face timed us this morning at 9.00 am which gave me a jolt because when it's that time, I immediately think something's wrong.

He was really pleased with himself because he'd remembered to contact us to wish me a happy birthday, only problem is that he was exactly one month latehmm.

He knows we're at our lodge until Sunday so said he'd arrange to have some 'bad son' flowers delivered next week grin. Ah well, better late than never.

Whiff Mon 05-Jun-23 16:20:38

Smiles it shows he was thinking about you. It just means your birthday has lasted long this year. But it was a lovely surprise to see him .

My daughter and gang came yesterday morning. I couldn't get 3 plants that the died from the frost. Infact I tried to cut one into pieces with my husbands chisel and got it stuck 3 weeks ago. My son in law just pulled it out. The poor man he was very sweaty and covered in dirt by the time he finished. My daughter was knackered. Both boys played with me in the back for a while then realised their parents were digging dirt. That's more fun than nannie. The youngest made a choo choo track from a roll of black bin liners. Then he was a train.

Found a blue pipe under the plants found out it was water according to Google. But it wasn't damaged. Will plant my new plants tomorrow.

We exercised in the church today as it was cooler than the cafe . My first time in it. It was modern but beautiful.

Been pegging out for days love washing dried outside. The picture is of my first harvest of Pak Choi. It filled 3 med freezer bags . Will be able to harvest again in few weeks . Then will let it grown a bulb.

Hopefully you are both relaxing at the lodge but bet it's to hot for your dogs. Saw someone walking there dog while the pavement where boiling. At least my son walks the dogs before the sun's hot and cooled in the evening. Is a sad fact our children treat their pets better than their parents.

Take care all.

Whiff Mon 05-Jun-23 16:21:20

Forgot to attach pic

hugshelp Mon 05-Jun-23 19:19:08

Ooh, I love Pak choi whiff. Never thought of string to grow it. Is it easy to grow?

Hope you're having a lovely time at the lodge smiles.

Whiff Mon 05-Jun-23 20:21:51

Hugs it very easy. After sowing I put them in my greenhouse until they had 2 leaves and then planted them into a planter. But you can grow them on a window ceil until ready to plant out. They like the sun and you can cut the leaves when you feel they are big enough for you. As long as you pinch out the flower bud and leave then rooted you can harvest as often as you like. Same with kale I grow flat leaf and chard. All veg I grow in planters . I have toms,french beans and broad beans growing as well. It's my first time growing broad beans and Pak choi. My strawberries have fruit forming. But only have 2 plants so just eat them when ready. My 2 blueberry plants died through frost damage. No damsons on my tree again but that's ok I like a tree and keep it pruned so it's only 6' tall.

DiamondLily Tue 06-Jun-23 09:25:17

Well, I got through it.

Youngest stepson didn't turn up or send flowers. Up to him.

Eldest SS and family rocked up, ignored me before the funeral, travelled together in the second car, so I just took my kids in mine (with SIL and DIL), and did the same in the chapel.

Sod them all, I thought.

I wrote DHs "eulogy" in its entirety...and it was what we wanted. Loving and full of humorous anecdotes.

Lots of music and photos.

I expect it hacked off the SS's family, but it was going to be done the way DH wanted.

They came back afterwards, stayed a while, thanked me for making him happy, and went.

So, I guess that's that - one problem less to deal with.

I was on edge at the "gathering" though - through all this the never ending saga of Miss Dysfunctionality has been thundering on. Long story...🙄

She wasn't invited to the funeral (no chance), but the night before she pulled a knife on my grandson, and ended up in police custody.

I was just dreading the police and social workers rocking up, but they agreed to leave it to this week, and she's on police bail.

So, I'm trying to support DD and GS, they're trying to support me, and on it goes.🙄.

I mean, I could brain her, but it would be nice for this poor child not be be weaponised by Miss D - it's ridiculous. We keep giving her another chance, and then she kicks off again.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get "myself" back a bit - this defeated persona doesn't really work for me. It's really difficult though.

Thanks to you all for the support xx💐💐

Smileless2012 Tue 06-Jun-23 11:09:02

How lovely to see your post DL and to know that you were spared unnecessary unpleasantness from your SS's family. Your youngest SS's failure to attend says it all and you must have been relieved that he wasn't there.

Hopefully you wont be hearing from any of them again; fingers crossed.

So sorry that Miss D continues to cause so much trouble for your GS and as a result for you all.

Please don't think that you have a defeated persona. You'll get yourself back little by little with time as you navigate your life without your wonderful DH by your side flowers x.

Yoginimeisje Tue 06-Jun-23 11:20:29

Very well done DL all over now, have a good rest today, in fact for the rest of the week, I'm sure you need it. Unbelievable that his youngest son didn't show or send flowers, unforgiveable! wine think you need it but wait till this evening.

Better late than never with your video call from your DS in Oz and flowers for your birthday Smiles
Happy belated birthday from me too and wine & flowers Sure you had a good birthday with Mr.S.

Whiff Tue 06-Jun-23 11:53:49

DiamondLily you have lost of half you which is bad enough to cope up with but his children made it worse and Miss D doing that to your grandson I doubt very much she will be able to keep the baby once born as she's a danger to your grandson and little baby wouldn't be safe with her.

It's times like this you need your husband the most . But you are having to face everything on your own. And to quote my best friend who was widowed in November it's shitty being on your own. Unfortunately it's not going to get any easier. I have lost count of the times I have shouted this shouldn't be my life. And blamed my husband for leaving me on my own. Which sounds wicked but I have to let those feelings out otherwise I would be a sodden mess.

Glad you had the funeral exactly how you wanted it. But at least his children who attended thanked you for making him happy. Now you can close the book on them . A chapter of your life over where they are concerned.

It's hard enough to cope with your grief and making a new present and future without all the stress your grandson and Miss D have caused. As it takes 2 to make a baby. Unfortunately he picked a nut job as a girlfriend.

You aren't showing a defeated persona you are grieving for your cherished husband. You made a whole person the one and only person in the whole world who knew the real you and you him. You not only lose your husband,but your best friend,lover , the person you could solely rely on , his DIY skills , your sounding board the person you could be with and you didn't need to speak but you knew how eachother was. Also the person you could have a row with about the stupidest thing but you knew it didn't mean anything. In my husband case it always ended up in make up sex. Think he used to do it on purpose sometimes.

It feels like you have a ton weight on your shoulders and you don't want to play this game anymore. But because of his love for you and you for him you will get through each day . It's hard but he knew you could do it. Just take it one day at a time. Unfortunately dealing with your husband's affairs can be a nightmare even though my husband was super organised things cropped up he never thought off. I was lucky the people I dealt with where nice but reading on the bereavement thread some are having a hard time with various companies. Just do what you need to do. And things will slow down and it's all up to the solicitor to sort out probate which can take 6+ months.

Remember to take care of yourself it's all to easy to forget to eat or have a drink. And even when you do you may find you lose weight I call it grief weight loss. I lost 2 stone but put it on. My mom lost 3 and never put it back on. Grieving not only effects your mind but your body. The grief is a physical pain unfortunately no pain killers can take it away. And it's a pain you will feel forever. But it's the price we pay to be so loved and love in return. But we are the lucky ones to have had that . Some people live their whole life and never know that love.


DiamondLily Tue 06-Jun-23 14:07:55

The baby has been born. She's three months old. DD has seen her once, briefly, I haven't seen her at all, and we're knee deep in police and social workers trying to sort things out. That girl is a nightmare.🙄

It is hard, but I've got to try and find my "mojo" again - just a case of finding a way.

I don't want counselling, never have needed to waffle at a stranger, and "bereavement only" forums tend to make me feel worse - I feel like I'm drowning in their sorrow as well.

My cure for stress has always been laughter - and I need to try and get that a bit. An old friend turned up this morning, and we just talked about the "old days", long before I met DH, and we did have a few laughs at our lives then.

My DS and DIL are coming over tomorrow, and we're having a takeaway at DDs on Thursday, before they all fly home on Friday.

Then, on 19th, DD and I are going to a lodge on the Isle of Wight just to chill.

So, I've got a bit pro-active - I've booked a hair cut and colour (needed!), and to get my nails sorted out, as they are in a state.

The weight has fallen off of me, but I guess that's inevitable.

Hope you all have a nice day x 💐

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