Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

*sorry not worry. My blooming eyesight - tch!

Reading through last few days posts andcwhat a long way most of us have come. Like Yoga and Smileless a long time for me. I never knew what I did wrong, I was coping with losing my husband to cancer, he suffered so much without complaint or self pity. I realised almost too late, we have no choice in a lot of what life throws at us, just how we deal with it, now wish from the beginning I had let my daughter just get on with it. Truly I vest my self up so much about it, looking fir where I had gone wrong, said the wrong thing? I remember the girl that was and not what she's become, selfish, no empathy, a life people dream of and we don't fit in any of us. I don't cry for her anymore, I miss being a mom to the girl I had, but I've friends whose children have died, they cope somehow outwardly, but my heart breaks for them. I could not reconnect with my d,after all the pain she's caused everyone, not just me. She is getting older too bad one day it will,hit her in the face just what she has done.
Yoga I am almost there in not wanting to fly too far, I will do another holiday, maybe the Canaries in winter, not a long haul though. if we are going to have these hot summers I want tobe in my own home as I'm like a dying duck in the oppressive heat. If I had my child living abroad I would try to go but eventually know it would get,too much.
Welcome to our two new posters, so sorry you're in this club but there are all these entitled younger people,who estrange and control, they want their life to be a parent stress free zone, goodness knows what our gc will be like, probably turn out the opposite of their parent just how our estranged children are..Look after your selves it affects your mental health all the stress and lack of sleep and makes no difference to the outcome. As for not going to your own daughters wedding, it's her shame not yours. Take yourself off somewhere for the day/weekend, treat yourself anything just get through it.

Have to do this page at a time
Justbecause do not blame yourself for your daughter's behaviour. So what if you and her dad are divorced. It's nothing to do with her. Most divorced couples don't got get on that's why they are divorced . It's very rare that they do. I only know of 2 that get on with their ex's but it took years before they did. 2 of my crafty friends. But it didn't happen until the children where adults.

So if you think it's because you divorced her dad that she is treating you like shit. Then does that follow my son is treating like shit because his dad died.

The answer is no to both those sentences. Our adult children choose not to want us. It's not us who turned our backs on them but they did it to us.

You have nothing to feel shame over. Why would you think that . It's your daughter who should be hanging her head in shame. Your daughter choose not to want you like my son choose not to want me.

I don't feel shame or guilt why should I. All I have ever done is give my son unconditional love and support more after his dad died. He put me through hell for a year after his dad died . But I understood it was grief. So put up with his crap. My daughter used to have a go at him which was between them. I didn't interfere.

My son has chosen to act as if I don't exist. Last time I saw him was my birthday in 2020. Since then not a birthday, Christmas or mother's day card. He has erased me from his and my grandson's life. So be it. But one day he will have his comeuppance.

My son and daughter in law think they are perfect parents they aren't as there's no such thing.

It will take time for you to cope with her actions. But if you blame yourself she wins. Do not let her win by making you feel any guilt.

Estrangement is a living grief which we all are living through. But it's nothing compared to the grief you feel when your husband or partner dies. That is a grief that you never come to terms with you cope. But the grief gets worse every year. Like others here I lost half of myself the moment my husband took his last breath and haven't been whole since and never will be. But I am lucky to have been loved by him and love him still. We had 29 years married 22 together. But I am lucky some people live their whole lives and never know that love and finding the only person in the world that is your other half of yourself.

You will learn to cope without your daughter and get stronger. Everyone here is here to help you. As they have helped me and continue to do so.

Hugs we do feel lonely for the people who have died it's natural. For me I do feel lonely but only for my husband. He was only 47. My dad had had enough and hated the sight of his own body. He was 80 . My mom had died long before her body did as dementia killed my mom months before her body did she was 90. Death for them both was a release from their pain as it was for my husband's cancer pain.

How is your roof holding up? We have had had 2 days of heavy rain.

Allsorts as always a insightful post. And look forward to your holidays. I hope to have one next year my first since 2005.

Hugs strange dream about your dad, think it must mean you are missing him a lot.

Smiles good news about your car & your dogs, well done.

Sad Whiff that you have had to name your GS, wouldn't it be amazing if it turned out to be his actual name! On 'Families reunited' a mother who gave her son up for adoption, found him 40yrs later, his name had been changed to the same name as her son she had later and kept.

Justbe There will be a big hole in your D wedding where you should be, a big hole in the photos, a big hole in the memories. I wish I could say otherwise, but it will be a terrible day for you to get through. You need to be with someone, is there another family member cut out of the wedding that you could be with? Get yourself a nice bottle of wine, set up some nice films to watch and a ready meal, some expensive chocs etc. Hope you have a pet to sit on your lap and give you love.

Hello Allsorts nice to see you posting. My mistake was in not realising my s.i.l & his mother were jealous of me to the point of hatred; how could I not have felt that!

Just started raining again here, very dark. Waiting for my son to get back from the 'Nosfestival' he went to on Friday. As he was leaving, he said I'll just throw my raincoat in the boot just in case, I said 'you won't want that big heavy thing, just a pakamac will do'

hugshelp

*sorry not worry. My blooming eyesight - tch!

Me too re the eyesight. I got reading glasses years back, gradually increased the strength, but now I feel I need them on all the time! That quote: Growing old is not for the faint hearted and the song: hope I die before I get old has some wisdom. Don't know if it's because I am in the health & fitness industry, but I am really feeling this getting old process. I watch 'Loose women' at lunch times and Kelly the Olympic runner really hates it too, she always says her age as 39 plus 14 and said she will always quote her age like that

Talking about divorce and having to attend the same 'do'. It's my DD 40th birthday w/e after next. She invited her dad that lives in Indonesia, saying to me he won't come mum, not all that way and I thought he wouldn't too as he has his 70th birthday just 6 weeks later. Yes, you guessed it he's coming I had already said I wouldn't be in the same room as him again after the last bad exchange, if you remember on our 'WhatsApp' group. Of course I will be there, just about got my head round it now.

When my DD got married, we were both there and got on OK, to the point he kept asking me to dance my DD & I both wondered what was going on, till he broke down and said my estD had cut him out as well, no doubt because he was going to the wedding.

Family WhatsApp group.

Yogin my mom always said older never old. So we get older but are not old. We mature like a fine wine . 😄

If you want to see how far we've come Allsorts when you have time, take a look at some of the old support threads. It's amazing how much stronger we are and how our friendships have grown .

It makes me smile looking back and seeing how the shackles of guilt and shame have been cast aside because we deserve neither.

My mistake Yogin was not realising our ES's wife was jealous of me because of how close he and I were, to the point of hatred!!! It's just not something you would ever imagine is it, especially when the one concerned is saying all the 'right' things to your face while hatching their plan behind your back.

I'm sure your ex will behave, you gave him what for which he deserved and hopefully he's learned his lesson.

somehow saying you're 39 plus 23 doesn't sound quite as good does it.

I was thinking about you yesterday when it was pouring with rain hugs, I hope you didn't get too much water coming in. It's such a relief for us to be dry but we still check and I think we always will.

Hi All, just a little up-date to thank you for all your comments.

I think I mentioned I’d had a missed call from my D on Saturday morning, she called again this morning and I answered.

We had a chat. She asked how I was and thanked me for giving her space the last couple of weeks.

They her and her partner have offered an olive branch. I’m now invited to the ceremony and to stay for the drink’s reception so I can be included in some pictures.

She feels that is the best thing to do if we are going to reconnect in the future.
So that I am there and in the pictures.

I feel very grateful that she reached out to me to offer this as a first step.

Who knows what the future will hold. Tbh I feel very bruised, I have never known pain like this.

I wanted to Thank you all for your support and kind words.

x

You're right we have all come a long way Allsorts. I still don't know just what I did wrong, but you know what, until ES decides to tell me, it's not my problem. I can't fix what I don't know is broken.

The roof will be dripping into bowls until it's fixed whiff and Smiles - but nowhere that will cause too much havoc. I'll be glad when the rain gives it a rest though.

Getting older is rubbish Yogin. I need a new body. I have a friend that I natter with on the phone quite often and we always end up saying that before we've done.

That sounds very promising Justbecause. I hope things continue to go well.

Knit and natter and poetry group for me today. For some reason we seemed to spend most of the time laughing at both. A lovely day. Although when I got the bus home, there were a couple of loud people standing near the front of the bus - not sure why there were empty seats - and the bus driver heard neither the bell I pressed nor my requests for the 'next stop' until we'd gone 3 stops past where I wanted to get off. At least it wasn't raining because I walk slowly.

Poor you Hugs he should have heard the bell, you should report it, maybe he's going deaf!

Like that saying of your mums Whiff

Our stories are very similar Smiles aren't they. See what you mean regarding the age thing

Justbe that's very bittersweet, are you going? I would be upset standing there, knowing I would have to leave before the reception, when normally you would be sitting on the top table. Your D clearly wants you to see her get married and be in the photos, but not thinking of how awfully upsetting it's going to be for you on leaving, what on earth are the other guest going to think, make sure, if asked, that it was the bride & groom's decision and not yours!

Morning everyone.

Yes our stories are very similar Yogin who'd have thought when we first 'met' more than 10 years ago that we'd have so much in common. 10 years!!! that ages us doesn't it in more ways than one .

It's a positive step Justbe but as Yogin's said perhaps bittersweet. I assume you'll be going which I do admire you for as I'm not sure I'd be able too. I hope it goes well and wont be upsetting for you.

It's stopped raining here so hopefully its stopped where you are hugs. How annoying not being able to get off at your stop. Maybe bus companies could do with louder bells as I bet you're not the first that's happened too.

Sharon Ann Wildey, the author of 'Abandoned Parents: The Devil's Dilemma' has a new book out 'Abandoned Parents: Scapegoating and A Strategy for Reconciliation' which I've just started.

It's her usual informative, no holds barred style so not for the feint hearted and she's included a warning in the preface that it isn't suitable for those newly estranged.

I wanted to share the dedication with you all because it applies to each and everyone of us who continue to share and support one another.

"This book is dedicated to all of those people who have bravely stood up and spoken out about parental alienation, And to all those who tirelessly administer Facebook pages and web sites providing support to grieving parents. Each of these leaders have survived vicious criticism and unfair trolling in order to offer aid to those who are suffering. I salute their strength and commitment".

We have not been immune to unpleasantness on the support threads over the years and yet we carry on so I salute all of you and all those whose strength and commitment over the years has enabled the provision of a refuge for anyone whose life has been affected by estrangement.

Thank you x

It sounds a useful book, Smileless, if you're at the right point.

My SCs still haven't contacted me, so I guess I can forget those estrangements now.

My ex is still refusing to talk to our son - that's ongoing, but all I can do is support my son.

The saga with Miss D, my grandson, and the baby rumbles on - she's in court tomorrow, for the knife attack on my GS - don't know what'll happen, but I guess her mental health might be addressed. Meanwhile, neither he or anyone else, in the family, has seen the baby since.

I'm ploughing on - some days are harder than others.

I've always seen a lot of my grandchildren, but one has been at Uni, for two years, and going into his final year. He phones but I miss seeing him.

My eldest grandson is going, as a nature student, to Uni in September, so I won't see a lot of him.

Yesterday, my GD got accepted to one of the Italia Conti Uni's, so she's off in September.

I'm proud of them, but I'm going to miss them rocking up here a lot for a chat.🙁

My youngest GS will be at home, but he's caught up, working (rightly), dealing with Miss D and trying to see his baby.

Ah well, that's how it should be I suppose. Young people need to follow their dreams.

Justbe - it's a strange invite, and seems more about the photos, but I guess all you can do is go with the flow, to try and improve things.

Estrangement has such a ripple affect.🙁

Anyway, hope you're all ok. Have a nice day. 💐

I don't often post on this thread, but I do read it every day. I just wanted to say 'thank you' to all you courageous EP out there who are going through estrangement, yet still provide empathy and support for those of us who have more recently joined this club that no one wants to be a member of.

We sometimes need to see the bright side of life and I often chuckle when I read of your exploits and fun times, so thank you once again, you have no idea how much this thread benefits those who read it, even if we don't post. You are a wonderful group of people.

The book sounds interesting Smiles. Would love to hear your thoughts when you've read more.

Of course you miss your GC, DiamondLily, but it's lovely to hear how well they are doing. I hope something productive comes out of the court hearing tomorrow. Surely there will be some movement forwards soon. Fingers crossed. x

Lovely to see you Scotty16. This thread really does keep a lot of people going. Sending hugs to you and any other readers who don't say hi very often.

A run out to the DIY shop for supplies today, which also provided a good excuse to picnic and stroll at the park nearby. Just odd light showers here today.

It must be a relief not to have heard from your SC DL, I'm sure you wouldn't be interested in anything they have to say.

Hopefully Miss D's mental health will be addressed as this clearly raises concerns about the welfare of your GGD. Your poor GS and D, this is such an awful situation to be in isn't it.

You'll miss not seeing your GC but you have the foundation of the close and loving relationship you've built with them which will stand you in good stead I'm sure, and your pride in them shines through.

What a lovely post Scotty. We have no idea how many read but never post, and if our general chit chat helps to show that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel of estrangement, then that's something we can all take comfort in.

Helping and supporting others is the silver lining in our clouds and is something positive to come from so much pain and sorrow.

I've been marking passages I read hugs because they may help some who read our wonderful thread.

We've not had odd light showers but odd down pours where the heavens have well and truly opened, and it's still chilly. You must be keeping the DIY stores where you live busy but hopefully not for much longer.

It's not much of a summer, that's for sure. Still, better here than Greece or Sardinia I suppose 😳

It's been on and off rain, down here, but still pretty mild. I've still got coolers blasting out, night and day.

Curious weather, although I suppose British weather has always been odd. 🙂

Yes, Smileless, my poor DD is paying for it, as she's had bad face pain. They have finally tied it into "gritted/grinding teeth" stress. 🙄. All this with Miss D has worn us all out.🙁

Although, with 3 of her kids now at Uni, in September, she's concentrating on how much it's going to cost her and SIL - it's practically impossible for students without parental support.

The rooms alone are £200 per week (or thereabouts) and the grant goes nowhere near it all.

I expect "the bank of Nan" will be called into it soon lol 😉

Hi all,

I will try and answer your questions here in one quick message.

Yes I am going and actually was fine with the suggestion. I’d actually suggested it a few weeks ago when we fell out, I thought it would be a good compromise.
I really want to see her get married and happy to be in family pictures.

Tbh not being there for the dinner and evening is fine for me. Things haven’t been great between myself and her Dad for a very long time and he is the much preferred Parent. So actually less stressful for me.

I’m not worried what other people think. I just want to see my D get married.

I will be discreet, hold my head up high and smile.

[smile]

Justbecause - well, yes, I suppose it makes sense. Hope the wedding goes well, and you have a lovely time.💐

I will take this post at a time. To much for me to remember.

Justbecause glad you will get to see your daughter get married but please be on your guard. I don't know when it is but don't want rain on your parade but she might change her mind again. Anyway I hope you look a million pounds when you attend. I didn't intend to cry at my daughter's but saw her mother in law crying and felt the tears flow. My son was holding my hand and handed me a tissue. Because of my HPX I wobble even holding my stick . So that's why he held my hand and my stick stayed on the floor. It was a wonderful day in November 2011 and was so warm we had our coats undone. I have a beautiful photo of my son and mom dancing on the night both laughing but can't look at it since the estrangement.

My son and daughter in law got married 4 years later. Both my children where 28 when they got married . Another beautiful November day. Didn't cry this time. My mom attended both weddings and danced at both. My mother in law refused to go too both weddings which hurt my children. But she attended her oldest nephews. Which tells you just how vile a woman she was but I never abandoned her after my husband died. Should have but couldn't she was family a horrible woman but still my husband's mom and children's nan even though she denied they existed. What mother or nan does that !

That what hurts me so much about my son and daughter in law. Both know what a bad mother , mother in law and grandmother is they both knew her . But both my children never gave up on her. But they are treating me worse than they treated her. I always hated my in laws but my husband loved his parents but didn't like them he never gave up on the so I put up with his mother for 11 years after my husband died because of him. Didn't do it for her. The way I was brought family was very important that's why I knew all my great aunts and uncles and second cousins as well as closer family.

Smiles looking back I can see my daughter in law was jealous of my closeness to my son. But at the time just happy to spend time with them after my husband died and they moved 100 miles away. Think I have already written about why she moved to be closer to my son when he went to uni. I put up with a lot from them because of living so far away. I am very glad I moved to where I live now. My son and 2 eldest grandsons visited every week for 7 months before Covid. I should have realised something was happening when my son cancelled me going to them for Christmas day in 2019. I knew he gave a bullshit reason of being to tired to have me . My children took it in turns who I spend Christmas and boxing day with . I was going to them on boxing day instead but my son said they would come to me and bring all the food. My daughter sat crocheting and only talked if I asked a question. Since my move in the August never got invited to their house. But I was happy my son and grandson's came to me. My daughter in law could have come to but choose not to.

After my sons email after my birthday in 2020 my daughter in law trolled me on GN on a house and home thread I joined when my second house sale fell through. She wrote as a nan who's grandson had seen something on Reddit that sounded like my daughter in law. I was staying at my daughter's at the time while work was done on my bungalow. I was in a lot of pain that day and like a fool pressed the link button. Smiles knows what she wrote as at that time we had been sending PMs without her I couldn't have openly posted after months of PMs or got through the hurt I was feeling. I owe her such a lot . Then the kindness and support once I posted for the first time from everyone else.

My daughter in law had been writing vile things about me for over a year before my move. But still I didn't stop loving my son and daughter in law. But she killed any love I had for her with one sentence. FIL died to get away from MIL. Any love I felt for her died in that moment. How could my son love someone who wrote that and she never knew my husband as he died a year before they met.

But for all the hurt they have caused me I don't hate them . I love my son but the son I knew for 32 years know idea who he is now. But my love for my grandsons never wavers even my love for the youngest one who I have never met or know his name . But they are family where my son and daughter in law likes it. I assume they have been told them I don't care about them or am dead but one day it will back fire on them. And all their lies come to light.

Like Smiles said looking back at old threads we have all come a long way and because of supporting and caring about eachother stronger than ever .