Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Good morning - hope everyone ok.

I feel better this week, than I did last week - but that's not hard.🙄

Luckily, I don't have the gas/electric/plumbing sagas - the landlord does some, but my SIL is a professional with them all, so I phone, screaming for him, and he comes around - I'm lucky to have him.🙂

They have been great since DH died - but some friends have been odd. I've known them for decades, but a few seem to be actively avoiding me at the moment - strange.🤔

Bereavement sure is a learning curve.

All have a nice day x💐

It's good to know that you're feeling a bit better DL. I can't even begin to imagine how heartbroken you are.

We have boiler cover and for 3 major appliances. I got a 'phone all yesterday from our provider offering additional cover for everything else but we're leaving it for now.

We have a very reliable plumbing service, coming today after a 'phone call yesterday and had Home Serve at our previous house but one time when we were abroad, there was a leak in our attic and because it was an emergency and we weren't there, our neighbour called a plumber to fix it.

As we hadn't contacted Home Serve and used one they recommended, they wouldn't cover the cost. I'm so pleased that you find their cover's been really good for you Whiff, but that put me off TBH.

Some people just don't seem to be able to cope when a friend's been bereaved DL, they don't know what to do or say so opt for avoidance.

It probably never occurs to them how this can add to your loss, and for some reason they don't understand that they simply have to be themselves and behave as they always have done.

Your s.i.l. sounds wonderful and as you say you're lucky to have him and your loving and supportive family.

They have been great since DH died - but some friends have been odd. I've known them for decades, but a few seem to be actively avoiding me at the moment - strange.🤔

Sadly that is recognised by many bereaved people DL. It tends to be explained by "don't know what to say" "dont want to talk about death " and such like. I have always thought it inexcusable!

I am glad you feel a little bit better this week [ flowers]

DiamondLily same thing happened to me. I found woman did like it if their husband offered to help me. As if I wanted to replace my husband.

Can't remember if I talked about it here or a bereavement thread . I will look and fine out which thread . I know others found the same thing.

Losing half of yourself is horrible and unfortunately in my experience it gets worse as the years go by. People expect you to stop grieving after 6 months. I am still grieving for my husband coming up to 19.5 years. When your other half dies you are never whole again only time will teach you to cope. You aren't alone it's a pain that never heals. 🤗

DiamondLily it's Does it ever get any easier thread . Hopefully if you read it ,it might help.

DiamondLily another thread on beavrement Getting rid of the anger might help.

Thank you. I'll look. X

Sorry to hear your DD isn't coming back for Xmas, I know how much it would mean to you. Such a long flight though, I wouldn't want to do it. My ex once, on walking past a travel agents said let's go to Oz for Xmas, 6weeks, but I said no, not just the flight, but years back, when I'd only been back living in UK for about 9yrs & missing 15yrs of British Xmas`s, I wanted to stay home.

I've decided I don't want any more holidays overseas, with all the hassle of the airports, transfers and waiting around for the flights. I'll stay & holiday in 'good ole` blighty'.

I always had Homeserve, but on getting my building insurance this year they had an extras which included everything including the boiler, so much cheaper than HS as it was going above £450p.a

24 hours door to door the last time we went Yogin. Not for the feint hearted I agree but the very real prospect of never seeing him again is soul destroying, and it feels very real.

Smileless2012

24 hours door to door the last time we went Yogin. Not for the feint hearted I agree but the very real prospect of never seeing him again is soul destroying, and it feels very real.

Smileless. I'm sure you will. I know how much it takes out of my son and family when they fly over, what with airports and the actual flight, even though America is much nearer.

But, every couple of years, my son gets that urge to come home for a couple of weeks.

Not at Christmas though - not a good time to travel really.

It is difficult when they live many miles away - I know that if anything went wrong, health wise, for my son, over there, I literally couldn't make that journey, which is worrying.

Hopefully, he'll be able to Skype you on Christmas Day - not the same, but we do it every year, and it's better than nothing.x💐

Glad you're feeling a bit better DiamondLily I'm sorry it seems that people are avoiding you. We all feel a bit useless and 'don't know what to say' when our friends suffer loss. Asking how are you? feels a bit lame when you know they can't be doing great and talking about the weather feels so irrelevant in the face of their loss. But surely avoiding someone is worse.

I've had enough of the hassle of travelling abroad too Yogin There are so many lovely places we still want to visit in the Uk.

I'm always in two minds about the different cover deals Smiles. Although we have homeserve at a cheap deal after the move atm so can't complain about that.

Been busy getting to the bottom of our leaky roof problem. So, it seems we need a new roof. Bit gutted the survey didn't pick that up but we need to get the place sound to see us out and it won't get cheaper or easier when we get older so getting it done soon is probably for the best really. Although it looks like we'll be living with drips and bowls until late August and it's fingers crossed with the weather for that date. I've been to-ing and froing to the doctors lately. Nothing major but it eats up time.

Hugs my Homeserve was really cheap when I first moved here, but after the first year it shot up sky high! You will need to look around for a cheaper deal after your first-year special offer.

Smiles 24hrs travelling is too much for anyone, but he's young and as you've said it's cheaper for him to fly over to you as only one ticket to buy. You could give it to him as his Xmas gift. Just a shame for you that he seems to have settled there.

Sorry Smiles I've just read back and realised I put DD instead of DS.

Thank you Hugshelp. - yes, I understand it's difficult, but I'm quite happy to chat about "non bereavement" stuff with people.

The friends that get that are fine.

I suppose a lot of it's me - I'm not an emoter, and pretty self contained, so I guess it makes them unsure.

Ah well, it'll all sort itself out in the end.

Meanwhile, I'll carry on with the practicalities of bereavement.🙄

Hope everyone has a nice day x💐

Morning everyone.

Spent the last 3 days having a mad cleaning fest. It proved to be a good way of getting my disappointment out of my system and being knackered come bed time, meant I've had no trouble getting off to sleep.

Every where is gleaming, although Mr. S. it always looks gleaming anyway so I'm feeling better about things and reminding myself that it's a waste of time wishing things were different, because it is what it is.

We offered last year to pay for him Yogin but he said it wasn't fair as we've been over there 4 times and if he comes, he wants to fund it himself. I wont mention it again because I don't want him to feel any pressure and for my own sake, I need to accept that he wont be coming.

Christmas isn't the best time I agree DL but he teaches so the 6 week Christmas break is the summer break in Aus. so allows more time to stay and recover from the trip when you get home.

The first time we went was Easter, one for Christmas but the other trips have been done just after New Year.

Being unsure probably has a lot to do with people avoiding you but it's upsetting, especially when you just want an ordinary all be it brief conversation to feel 'normal' for a short time.

We found this when we were estranged. Three sets of friends were absolutely wonderful while others seemed to go out of their way to avoid us.

Thank goodness for the friendships and invaluable support this thread gives.

Goodness hugs that is bad news about your roof. I'm sure you had a full survey so would it be worth contacting your surveyor and complaining that he didn't report any issues with the roof? Would your buildings insurance cover the cost?

Of course peace of mind is priceless and having it replaced will give you that, but it's a huge expense isn't it.

Hope you're OK health wise, make sure you have time to take proper care of yourself.

I'll watch out for that Yogin, thanks.

I'm sure you're right that your friends feel unsure DiamondLily but they'd have more chance of finding out what you feel okay to talk about if they didn't avoid you! Still, we can all be a bit daft when we don't know what to do.

I'm glad your cleaning fest perked you up a bit Smiles.

Don't think we'll get anywhere with building insurance on the roof - as it's the age of the roof combined with poor repairs by the previous owners. Thinking about talking to one of those no-win-no fee claims solicitors that specialise in duff survey results - we had the full structural so it should have picked it up. But either way, we'll have to get it fixed. As you say, peace of mind.

Take care of you, too. smiles.

It's one of our long standing members of this thread special birthday . I won't name her as she never says on here when it is her birthday. She's 80 years young today.

So happy birthday and have the best day you can. 🎂🎁🍾🥂

'Happy Birthday' .

Well you've nothing to lose with a 'no win no fee' solicitor hugs. A full structural service is expensive because it's supposed to be the most thorough you can buy.

It makes me so when you pay good money for a crap poor service.

I shall be writing to Jordan's about my little car that I got back today, all working as it should be for a mere £250!!! We were told this mechanic's a genius and he certainly is. Never come across this particular problem but managed to locate and resolve it.

I'm asking for my money back less the cost of the loan car for 2 days. They thought they'd fixed it by someone banging down on the speedo which is why they quoted £1148 for new one; nothing to do with the speedo so good job we didn't believe them isn't it.

Both dogs are at the groomers, busy couple of days for them as it was the vets yesterday for annual health check and vaccinations. Weight perfect. Hearts and lungs in tip top working order. So, they're perfect which of course we knew already.

Hi all of you….I’ve just read your lovely thread conversation. You all seem to really support each other which is very special.

I haven’t posted for a bit as I’m just managing to cope each day atm. Tbh I’m struggling.

I don’t know how I will get through this but I’m praying that I will without too much damage to my well-being and zest for life.

It’s 8 days now until my D’s wedding which I am not invited to. The silence from her and my family about such a special day in her lifetime is devastating for me. I feel completely alone.

This is one of the most awful pains I’ve ever known.

I just needed to share. I hope you don’t mind.

I need to dig deep to find a way to cope…..

Sending good wishes to you all who read this…..any advice would be much appreciated xxx

Hello Justbecause, it's lovely to see you again. We can all I'm sure identify with estrangement being one of the most awful pains we've ever known.

We all remember the time when we didn't know how we'd get through it but we did, and so will you eventually.

The support for one another here, which of course includes you, is priceless and for me another blessing is that we do talk about our lives in general because it's so important to understand that you are more than your estrangement. Estrangement alone doesn't identify you and although this will be almost impossible for you to believe, there is a life to be had despite being estranged.

Every single one of us is proof of that.

I cannot begin to imagine how devastating it must be knowing you cannot share one of the most important and happiest days of your D's life, but we all know how deafening the silence can be.

Please keep reading and posting if you can. This thread is here to support everyone who needs it and someone will always respond when you post. xx

Thank you

And a Happy Birthday 🥳 to who it’s meant for.

Xx

Justbecause if it wasn't for the support I have had from everyone here I couldn't have got through the last 3 years since my son dumped me.

Not being invited to your daughter's wedding is awful. But you have done nothing wrong. She has made the choice to abandon you ,you haven't abandoned her. All you have done is given her unconditional love and support since she was born. I have no idea why our children decide we are surplus to requirement.

They act cruelly and cowardly towards us. Which is all down to them. Whether they like it or not we are still their parents and after we are dead and gone we are still their parents. As without us they wouldn't be alive.

Because I knew my son's third son was due in July and I have no idea his date of birth or name. He was due on the 27th so I always wish him happy birthday and because it hurts to much to think of him without a name I call him Oliver. But it helps me cope.

It's so hard for you knowing about the wedding . But it would be interesting how she explains your absence. What lies she will tell?

I had to make the decision weeks ago after he's response to my text . That I will not let him hurt me anymore. I let him hurt me for 3 years but no more.

The death of my husband and my grief for him far aways what my son has done .

My in laws where horrible people but my husband would never give up on them . He said he loved them but didn't like them. Words my son said to me in his email. He said I love you mom but don't like you. If this is his version of love I would hate to know what he would do to someone he hated.

As much as I hated my in laws I never gave up on them and looked after his mom for 11 years after my husband died. I did it because of my love for my husband. Our children never gave up on her either. Even though she refused to go too their weddings.

But my conscience is clear I did everything I could to help her and spent 2 days watching her die. Her own family didn't turn up until she was dead.

I would hate for my grandsons when they are grown to do to my son and daughter in law what they have done to me. But a little part of hopes they get a taste of their own medicine. I believe in karma and you reap what you sow. But that doesn't make me a bad person because I am not. I am just a mom who has been hurt by her son. And for what 🤷

Justbecause don't ever blame yourself . Estrangement is a living grief. But I know you will find the help and support I got here and you will get through everyday. Just write whatever you like. As you can tell I ramble on but that's me. Take good care of yourself. 🌹

Thank you Whiff. So good to know the group and support has helped you so much.

Tbh I have done things wrong in the past and divorced from my D’s Father many years ago. Unfortunately we’ve never really communicated over the years as we didn’t get on. So our D has always hated us being in the same place . She’s always kept us apart. Even though I’ve said he and his family don’t bother me I think she is concerned there may be some conflict. Which she obviously doesn’t want at her wedding. As much as it hurts me and I know it’s pain and shame I’ve never experienced before. Or ever imagined happening I’m quite understanding.

I do just want them to both be happy and enjoy their day. It’s time for me to move on as the hurtful things my D said to me a few weeks ago stay with me every day to keep me strong.
I won’t go back for more emotional abuse again. She clearly has not care or consideration for my feelings.

She’ll not talk about it, or say we don’t get on or fallen out. Her friends know about the situation as we’ve always had a difficult/complex relationship due to being from a divorced family. Her preferred parent has always been her Dad.

I can’t change that I just have to do more self preservation and get stronger.

Have a lovely weekend

Oh, I'm so glad your car is fixed properly now Smiles, but what a palavar it's been.

It's lovely to see you justbecause. What an awful state of affairs, missing out on such a milestone day. I'm so worry you've got this pain to bear. We're all here for you. As Smiles says, we've all had times we wondered how the heck we'd survive the terrible pain. It really does tear you apart. And yet, somehow we survive and find joy where we can.

And you Whiff, not knowing your GS's name and actual birthdate. I think you are amazing remembering his day in your own way.

Happy Birthday to the glamorously mysterious birthday lady.

I just woke from a dream where I was searching for my father. I went to his old house and asked the people if they know where he's moved to, but they didn't. He's actually been dead a good few years now so what a strange dream. I'm feeling somehow lonely at the moment. Missing the people I have lost from my life one way or another. No idea what's brought that on.