To want to leave UK

Allsorts

💐Thought about you Christmas Smileless, you are not only estranged but you also have a son in Australia, it’s doubly hard for you yet you keep posting and encouraging everyone, we do appreciate you.

So true, you're doing so well Smileless. Would you ever consider moving there to be near him or planning a holiday there?

We do appreciate you so much

Smileless2012

I know what you mean Onward, that was said to us when we'd made the decision to move, even though we weren't going as far as Lanzarote. You'd think by the reaction of some we were planning to go to Aus. to be near our DS.

What they were trying to say of course is that we shouldn't move because we think it will solve anything, because or course it doesn't. Well actually that's not right either.

If moving gives you that fresh start, puts geographical distance between you and the one(s) causing you pain and who seem hell bent on ruining your life, then it at least gives you the space, freedom and peace of mind to heal.

A partial solution perhaps, but better than no solution at all.

Oh dear! Some people! Or should I say well meaning people... they do mean well, bless them- but its SO annoying! I have had this same old thing said whenever I talk about moving by one acquaintance and have vowed not to tell her anymore because obviously if you suffer loss, you'll suffer it anywhere- BUT what about all the things you'll gain? I do often feel when people come out with this that they just want you to stay the same because it seems like no one likes change (apart from me haha) Some people do actually thrive on change but I don't know many of them.

As my therapist once said (and probably everyone's therapist) "You can't change others, you can only change how you deal with them". Distance is a wonderful thing. I was all for LC yesterday, but each day gives me new perspective and I've actually lost all hope of my sibling ever treating me decently due to all the meddling my NMother does.

I thought the rules were, 90 days in any six month period, hope so because I intend to be in Portugal for a month, come home for a month, then out again for another month and onwards throughout the year, believe this is what umstangran does.

💐Thought about you Christmas Smileless, you are not only estranged but you also have a son in Australia, it’s doubly hard for you yet you keep posting and encouraging everyone, we do appreciate you.

Its nice to think about living abroad. I don't envisage living in anyone else's space, but I have plenty of time to make plans , put out feelers and absolutely no rush to do anything. I will enjoy taking my time to collate information and do research before learning the language.

Many things in my life are good. I dont think moving abroad is drastic. I embrace change and thrive on it, unlike many people.

JaneJudge

Why not have a plan for when you retire and your son leaves home?

Something for you. It doesn't have to be abroad x

JaneJudge is right - make a good plan for yourself, it doesn't have to be drastic, just work for you.

As Gagajo says, healthcare could be expensive, things we take for granted may not be routine. Unless you go to a country where you speak the language you may encounter difficulties and making friends could be more difficult.

The grass isn't always greener.

I know what you mean Onward, that was said to us when we'd made the decision to move, even though we weren't going as far as Lanzarote. You'd think by the reaction of some we were planning to go to Aus. to be near our DS.

What they were trying to say of course is that we shouldn't move because we think it will solve anything, because or course it doesn't. Well actually that's not right either.

If moving gives you that fresh start, puts geographical distance between you and the one(s) causing you pain and who seem hell bent on ruining your life, then it at least gives you the space, freedom and peace of mind to heal.

A partial solution perhaps, but better than no solution at all.

You're going through bad times and it certainly sounds as though you need to get away from it all, OnwardandUpward. But does it have to be as drastic as a move abroad? How about a long holiday - maybe a house swap for a few months would be affordable and would give you the time and space to think about your options?

Its definitely possible in my line of work, to work anywhere in the world as its not for an employer.

The work I do for an employer is person to person and is transferrable anywhere if you can speak the lingo, as I plan to.

there was a discussion about living abroad while continuing to work remotely for uk employer, on MN recently.
it was not straightforward.
many employers will not accept that, there are legal implications re insurance and different regulations, employment law.
the MN person wanted to move to ireland.
those who knew pointed out it might not be poss in present employment.
they suggested northern ireland instead.

Fleurpepper

Without knowing the specific country (and I get why wou don't want to disclose) it is difficult to say. Some healthcare systems are easier to access than others, for instance.

But (and I know some here will not like me saying this), Brexit has made it incredibly difficult.

Alll the best.

Its probably Spain, not a secret. Not really exotic or amazing but do-able.

pascal30

Would your youngest like to go with you? It's good that you have a partner and work. I've lived in South Africa with a partner and work, and on my own in France in the Autumn and Winter. A completely different experience and not to be repeated... it was very lonely and cold and ,with all activities closed down very difficult to meet people. I would suggest renting out your home and going for a longish period of time if you're allowed..

No! He would hate it.

He hates sunshine and hot weather. He has said it's his dream to live somewhere cold and snowy!

Without knowing the specific country (and I get why wou don't want to disclose) it is difficult to say. Some healthcare systems are easier to access than others, for instance.

But (and I know some here will not like me saying this), Brexit has made it incredibly difficult.

Alll the best.

Smileless2012

I had that dream too Onward when we were estranged by our youngest son and as a result, our only GC.

Mr. S. was still running our business so it was something I thought about often when he eventually retired. I spent hours looking at properties in Lanzarote, and dreaming of starting a new life there. A lovely island and of course the weather was a huge draw.

We did move in the end 6 years ago, 18 months before he retired just 26 miles away, but the difference it's made to our lives is truly amazing. Far enough to know we'll never see him or our GC again, and far enough to begin the next chapter in our lives, to rebuild and heal.

You have time to think about this and to make plans, half the fun is making plans even if you don't follow them through.

It's great that your self esteem is improving and that you know that how things are with your mum and your ES are not your fault. That is the most important breakthrough you can make, whether you decide to move or not.

As Fleurpepper has said you take you with you and of course you do. The past has shaped us and changed us, our wounds for the most part have healed, but we carry the scars and always will, where ever we live and knowing that, which I believe you do, is another important breakthrough.

So you dreamed of Lanzarote Smileless, but you decided against moving there? Good that you were able to move away. I do feel I need that new start, but need to take time to research and plan, save more.

Yes, wherever I go in the world I will always be a Grandparent whose Grandchildren were cruelly taken. Given my son's current drug problems I might have lost them even if he hadn't estranged me. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

I am happy and thankful in many parts of my life, having a lovely husband and many good things. In the past I have taken offence from someone saying "Wherever you go, there you will be" as if it's me with the problem (and I don't think it is!). I don't think you can ever separate from grief or loss, but you can go on to live a good life as you have done and I plan to do.

Once the seeds are planted OnwardandUpward the idea often grows and grows. Enjoy researching, who knows where may it may lead, and it will focus your mind on happy stuff.

VioletSky

You have had a lot to deal with, I would honestly make sure your mental health is OK first.

In times we struggle our brains search for a way out of it but what we actually need is a way past it.

Make sure this is the right answer for you and you would be going towards a positive experience and not trying to distance a negative one

Thanks VS.

The thing is, I'm not unhappy in my marriage, love my job and what I do, have a great relationship with my youngest son, have lots of nice people to chat to- just no actual close friends and a lot of family nonsense.

I'm worried my ES's drug problems or other issues might land on my doorstep, along with his historical abusiveness and general hatred of me. He was alright before the drugs, we used to have a good relationship but I don't know this man.

Would your youngest like to go with you? It's good that you have a partner and work. I've lived in South Africa with a partner and work, and on my own in France in the Autumn and Winter. A completely different experience and not to be repeated... it was very lonely and cold and ,with all activities closed down very difficult to meet people. I would suggest renting out your home and going for a longish period of time if you're allowed..

Oopsadaisy1

To live in Europe you will have to apply as an Immigrant and fulfil their employment needs/qualifications etc.
Can you do this? If not you will only be able to spend 90 days there in any 12 months, although I think there might be some movement on this in the future.

Maybe a warmer part of the U.K. would be a good plan, miles away from your other family members? No need to tell them your new address.

Ok, thanks.

I haven't actually looked into the finer points yet as the idea only occured to me today.

I had that dream too Onward when we were estranged by our youngest son and as a result, our only GC.

Mr. S. was still running our business so it was something I thought about often when he eventually retired. I spent hours looking at properties in Lanzarote, and dreaming of starting a new life there. A lovely island and of course the weather was a huge draw.

We did move in the end 6 years ago, 18 months before he retired just 26 miles away, but the difference it's made to our lives is truly amazing. Far enough to know we'll never see him or our GC again, and far enough to begin the next chapter in our lives, to rebuild and heal.

You have time to think about this and to make plans, half the fun is making plans even if you don't follow them through.

It's great that your self esteem is improving and that you know that how things are with your mum and your ES are not your fault. That is the most important breakthrough you can make, whether you decide to move or not.

As Fleurpepper has said you take you with you and of course you do. The past has shaped us and changed us, our wounds for the most part have healed, but we carry the scars and always will, where ever we live and knowing that, which I believe you do, is another important breakthrough.

You have had a lot to deal with, I would honestly make sure your mental health is OK first.

In times we struggle our brains search for a way out of it but what we actually need is a way past it.

Make sure this is the right answer for you and you would be going towards a positive experience and not trying to distance a negative one

To live in Europe you will have to apply as an Immigrant and fulfil their employment needs/qualifications etc.
Can you do this? If not you will only be able to spend 90 days there in any 12 months, although I think there might be some movement on this in the future.

Maybe a warmer part of the U.K. would be a good plan, miles away from your other family members? No need to tell them your new address.

Thanks for the info Joseanne. That could work too. I'm not ready to leave in the imminent future because I want to keep working and saving while learning the language.

I hadn't thought about inheritance laws, thanks. At the moment we would be leaving everything to our youngest son because of the Estrangement. I will have to look into inheritance laws.

Well it's good you have chosen the first step to rent. I would try it as soon as possible.

Renting is OK, but it isn't properly "living" abroad. What I mean is, that you might not put in that full 100% effort required because you live thinking you can always run home. I preferred moving lock, stock and barrel and totally immersing myself in the goods and bads of my new country. The only thing to remember though is that property prices abroad do not increase at the same rate as in the UK, so you could come unstuck. Also watch out for different inheritance laws.

I would definitely rent first to try out an area.

There's no way Id live in a house without good insulation.