VIOLET SKY I copied your link for someone I know ,she says theres no questionaire on it,is it seperate from the video?
apple trees not flowering this year. Anyone else?
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SubscribeMy adult son and I have not spoken for about 9 months and prior to that it was about a six month period of time that we did not speak.
From the time that he entered his teens, he went on a steady downward spiral into substance abuse. This was accompanied by often aggressive and hostile treatment of myself and his mother (who I am no longer with).
I suspect that the breakdown of the marriage was a contributing factor in his downward spiral. This happened when my son was quite young - just about to enter school.
Although the marriage ended, my ex and I managed to maintain a good relationship with regard to the best interest of both of our kids. We were civil toward each other and did not, for the most part do anything to sabotage the character of the other parent.
As he grew older, my son's behaviour became increasingly problematic. I attempted to lay down the law with respect to drug use in my home and he responded with violence and threats. I responded by having him charged with assault. From that point on I did not want him in my home if he was going to be violent and abusive. I was hoping for change but it did not come.
Things steadily got worse from there. His substance abuse became more and more severe and his anger and resentment toward me continued to deepen.
We have attempted to repair our relationship, but it seems that his ongoing resentment toward me is still strong and he can't let go of it. I too am having trouble letting go of some of the lingering effects of all of our negative interactions. I do not trust him or feel safe in proximity to him. That's a hard thing to admit about your own child.
The last time we interacted he lashed out at me for no reason that I can identify and told me he was cutting ties with me. Since then I have not made any attempt to contact him and he has not made any attempt to contact me.
I still love him. I wake up in the morning and he is immediately on my mind. I am perpetually sad and regretful. My mental state is not great most days. I feel stuck and helpless.
VIOLET SKY I copied your link for someone I know ,she says theres no questionaire on it,is it seperate from the video?
Brokendad, Stop beating yourself up, you did your best. He cant keep blaming you. Live your life for you before it’s too late.
Well done Fethiye for being 26 years into recovery. Such a hard thing to accomplish and made so much harder I'm sure when your son estranged you.
My son estranged me over 15 years ago.Ran off in a hissy fit never to be seen again in my eyes. Fine. I know at first it hits you like a brick but it gets easier over time. I was just a shipping crate for the fabulous life he has now which Im not part of. The dad was always favoured over me being the big bad wolf.
I am an alcoholic in recovery of 26 years. My son stopped speaking to me 7 years into recovery. Resentment for whatever reason is No 1 offender. Im not saying it will ever be put right but he has to fix himself. The road to recovery is lifelong it never ends. We can all sit and stew in anger but eventually Im sure hell come around when he realises its not working for him anymore. Ive let my son go with love because its all I can do. He cant take that love away from me. Take care of you and get on with your life.
Hello Mandymoo. Take a look at the thread Madgran's suggested which offers support and friendship for anyone whose life has been affected by estrangement.
We've been estranged for more than 10 years so I understand how painful this is, as do all those who regularly post there. It's on this forum .
Mandymoo456
Hello
It's been nearly ten years since my son hasn't spoke to me , time goes in a blink , my other two children try to make me happy and I do try to mask my pain but I'm broken hearted and I feel this is never going to get any better
Mandymoo this is an old thread. You might be best to start a new one of your own as posters sometimes only read the original post and may not see yours today.
I am sorry that you are in the situation you are with your son. There is a Support for those affected by Estrangement thread that I think you might find helpful. Look in Forums -Estrangement.
Hello
It's been nearly ten years since my son hasn't spoke to me , time goes in a blink , my other two children try to make me happy and I do try to mask my pain but I'm broken hearted and I feel this is never going to get any better
You could get support and understanding for yourself by going to a group called Al Anon (or Narc Anon if there is one). Although Al Anon was set up for friends and relatives of alcoholics apparently 30% of people now attend because of substence missuse. You will have other people with similar problems to yourself and be able to discuss yours in a confidential setting. I hope it helps you move forward, if you go and gives you some support at this difficult time. Just google a local group
You need to consider that your behavior has led to his addiction. It is a parent's duty to protect their children from such things. Washing your hands of the situation will not bring you peace. Ask God for the answers.
That's awesome VS, you have come a long way!
I haven't ever smoked and I don't drink much or do drugs (quite boring) I'm not an overtidier or over exerciser (sadly) things at face value- but over eating is my drug of choice. I've been working on things, but in a different way for over 20 years so I guess.
Even though I didn't know about ACES when mine were little I did my best to protect them from things I knew about.
So sorry about your family members Blueberrypie Thanks for your answer because yes I have been subjected to abuse, crazymaking and yes it has even seemed predatory at times, definitely threatening and very disturbing. Over the last two years it has wrecked my health and my sleep at times.
I feel relieved for me that he leaves me alone as well, even though I miss what he was previously and I miss the family life we had at times when he was healthy and not on drugs. When I stopped replying it was because he had gotten threatening and was trying to put fear into me, showing off that he "knew" I was scared of him etc.
I don't have a kid with substance abuse issues and I'm sure that would be more complicated and more painful. But I have had three close family members with it.
One of them I maintained a friendly but distant, fake, uneasy relationship with until he died. One of them I stopped talking to because I got so tired of the unending, unnecessary chaos. The third one got help and I happily resumed my connection.
I don't think it's really possible to have a reasonably decent close relationship with anyone who is an alcoholic or addict. By definition, their behavior is erratic and crazy-making, if not predatory in one way or another.
Fixing it starts with them period, as far as I'm concerned and that's just the reality of it. Tbh I actually feel a bit relieved for you that he just leaves you alone, at least.
Sorry. Not sure my post is helpful but that's how I see it. Best wishes.
I am not an educator in these things I am afraid, I'm a student of them.
Control is also a form of addiction, just as much as is alcohol, smoking, or drugs. Control can manifest in lots of ways like overexercising, under eating, fastidious cleaning of home or body, trying to manage others around you or assigning thoughts, beliefs or motives to others that aren't there.
For me it was smoking and over eating. I gave up both.
I also have fibro, reflux and IBS, as a result of toxic stress. All 3 have improved since estrangement. We used to joke my mother was poisoning me because I would be ill after seeing her.
So healing ACES and toxic stress have positively impacted me.
I also moved away from a lot of... behaviours that were learned from my childhood... toxic people can still bring those behaviours out in me but otherwise healed which has benefited my relationships and especially my children.
I've done parenting courses and educated myself on ACES, not just to prevent them gaining ACES, but to protect them from mine..
I've always said that on this forum, I've taken responsibility, which is not the same as shame or blame
Oh yes, I can see that there must be gaps because of all the other places a child will go- but it's a good basic framework to look at home life.
Sorry you had a 5 VS I don't know if it helps to know you are more susceptible to certain conditions though? I am extremely careful to eat a low GI diet to avoid diabetes as much as I possibly can. Pretty much don't eat sugar most of the time except for the odd blip- loads of veg and high protien.
Probably not addicted to anything (except eating) but crisps may feature on tonights agenda! Haven't had those since Christmas.
Mine was also 5.
There are other factors though that those tests don't really measure.
One factor is how long an ACE lasted, another is whether you suffered bullying at school or whether you struggled socially or if anything negative like sexual abuse happened outside of the family home.
A mitigating factor could be having a positive adult role model and developing resilience or having a good supportive circle of friends as a child.
Another thing is toxic stress which is worth looking in to.
Realistically the links between ACES and outcomes people struggle with as adults is extremely high. Research has proven that ACES makes people more prone to health issues (anything from heart problems and diabetes to fibro), addiction issues, mental health issues and more.
Sorry all off the top of my head so I'm probably leaving out way too much.
So healing ACES is fundamental to healing the outcome of those ACES.
Which is where someone has to ask for that help and sometimes that is a strength people do not have. Especially men. For example, to admit to someone that something happened like sexual abuse is incredibly difficult for many people and they are never able to access support.
Couldn't resist doing the test, got 5. Not sure if that's good or bad. It might be medium? VS
Ohh thanks, that looks interesting. Will watch it when I get a quiet moment.
Good for you healing.
There is a video in my comment
It's extremely interesting
I learnt about it during my coursework and its been fundamental in healing for me. There are some really good articles out there as well as ways to work out an ACES score
What are ACES VS?
Thanks Smileless
Forgive yourself for not knowing what you now know that's very good Onward and well worth remembering.
ACES are so important
Not only for adult children who have ACES and are struggling but parenting effectively when you have ACES yourself
youtu.be/VMpIi-4CZK0
Good luck Fuseta Could you arrange to meet for a meal out somewhere so it's a public place in case things are awkward or he's problematic?
Another thing I'd say to all of us including myself is " Forgive yourself for not knowing what you now know "
We are often too hard on ourselves. We need to be on our own side.
You must be full of mixed emotions fuseta. 7 years is a long time with no contact so it's understandable that you are wary. I wish you all the luck in the world that when you meet, it goes well.
So tragic. I fostered a boy when he was 12 and supported him through thick and thin and he became a permanent member of our family. After a lot of trouble in his teens, he met someone and had 4 lovely children and his own business. Then their relationship started to break down and he started drinking excessively. One by one, he cut everybody off. I haven't seen or heard from him for 7 years. I heard that his eldest daughter had made him a Grandad on Christmas Eve, but nobody knew where he was. Then yesterday, I got a call from him. He said that he wants to come and see me and then he is moving to Cornwall, where he knows absolutely nobody. I am now waiting for a call to tell me when he is coming. I am a bit wary, as I don't know how he will be, but I couldn't say no. This, after no contact for 7 years! He has been given plenty of love over the years but keeps messing everything up! I had detached myself from him, as I had no choice!
Additionally no one who is estranged from their child ever intended or wanted that and from the time when they first held their beautiful baby, I doubt any could have imagined it would ever be a reality.
I certainly never believed so.
One thing I would say: stop blaming yourself. It is what it is. No one who loves anyone EVER gets married planning to divorce one day. Things happen that we could never foresee. Cut yourself some slack.
Saying that a child is a drug addict because you got divorced is not a fair thing. No Brokedad, your child and my child are drug addicts because they took drugs that they got addicted to. People enjoy drugs. Adults make choices and they must bear responsibility for their own. Much as we can apologise for things we got wrong as parents, we cannot apologise if they made poor life choices when they were old enough to choose. Only an addict can take responsibility for their addiction and only an addict can get the help they need at the time of their choosing.
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