Choosing between my children

I highly doubt the daughter would end up with a criminal record

At this point this is "he said, she said" with no proof

The issue here is how it is managed now, at a family level

The idea of not believing the victim and looking out for the futieen

Future of the potential offender is the wrong approach

If anything, the child needs to be protected

I'm so sorry. I would suggest professional help.

Unconvinced about why your daughter is such a great mother. If she was a man who had abused a sibling would you be saying so? What if she does it again?

Nonnak - what an awful situation you find yourself in. Children like to experiment. Your daughter was very young. I really have no advice to offer you, but to say, you are in my thoughts.

Your son needs your support. If he hasnt already, it would be good for him to get support from abuse helplines.

If this is definitely true, and not an attempt to remove your daughter from the family, then I'd advise you to get to the root cause. If she was abused she needs support or if she has a kink its not good news for her kids. You need an honest conversation with her.

Your daughter were just a child when this happened to a much younger brother, surly not a lot could have happened in view of their ages ,perhaps it’s all been blown out of proportion . Maybe you could bring the subject up so that maybe your daughter could apologise to her brother ? Unless what she did were exceptionally bad , I’m sure this could be sorted out without you having to choose between them as it does seem a bit extreme considering how young they both were at the time .

mokryna

We don’t know the full facts. This was an incident that happened 20 years ago. Surely if the NSPCC, as someone suggested, got involved the daughter could end up having a criminal record for something she did at the age of 12. This could then bring on problems that might have her being separated from her own daughter.

As you say, we don’t know, or need to know the full facts. The idea that the OP shouldn’t seek appropriate help in order to protect her daughter, is precisely the kind of behaviour that contributes to ongoing emotional harm.
The Charities who specialise in supporting families through this kind of difficulty will work compassionately and with real understanding.

Yes well, it would be enabling behaviour to not do anything, in case the daughter has a problem.

If this is for real, then doing nothing is not really an option if you love and care for your grandchildren and your son. Even at 12, kids are able to understand that actions have consequences.

Dibbydod

Your daughter were just a child when this happened to a much younger brother, surly not a lot could have happened in view of their ages ,perhaps it’s all been blown out of proportion . Maybe you could bring the subject up so that maybe your daughter could apologise to her brother ? Unless what she did were exceptionally bad , I’m sure this could be sorted out without you having to choose between them as it does seem a bit extreme considering how young they both were at the time .

I’m sorry to say but 12 year olds can be as big and strong as adults, certainly in relation to 7 year old children. I once knew a ten year old charged with rape of a younger boy who had not understood what was happening and was understandably traumatised by the experience. So telling children ‘it wasn’t that bad’ because the abuser was another child is only adding further harm. The only person who can define the level of harm is the person who experiences it, just as it is with adults. We wouldn’t dream of saying to a woman who had been assaulted ‘well he only touched you, it wasn’t that bad’.

Experimentation happens between children, of course. But it is not experimentation when there is an imbalance in age, strength, understanding or consent to take part. Then it is abuse.

My heart goes out to you Nonnak, you are in an impossible situation. Please get professional help to try to see your way out of this situation. It is already causing you immense pain, it cannot be brushed under the carpet any longer.

12 year old girls are often full adult height and might have begun puberty one or two years previously. Perhaps even earlier as I knew a girl who started her period at nine.

I agree, it is that bad.

Also, what if she was abused and acting that abuse out? Time to talk!

Instead of seeing it as choosing between your children, you could reframe it as choosing to do the right thing in the situation.

I suggest you ring NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood) on their free confidential phone line 0808 800 5000. They offer advice for relatives as well as survivors and will be able to put you in touch with appropriate counsellors. There are similar organisations in the States for your son to contact if he has not already done so. Your son is a victim and right now is feeling you have betrayed and deceived him by starting a relationship with his sister and keeping it secret from him. He may even feel you do not believe what he had the courage to tell you as a child. Ring that number and get help for all of you, please.

Rainn.org would also help in the US

I don't buy the age of the daughter as a way to justify the sexual assault
11 is old enough to know right from wrong

I don't buy it either.

Has anybody attempted to ‘justify’ the alleged sexual assault? The advice largely consists of recommending the OP involves an independent organisation, like the NSPCC which has teams skilled in then investigation and therapeutic support in family child sexual abuse.

Alleged, being the operative word here!

Where's the father in all this?

Where is the Mother?

Anyone else beginning to wonder about this OP/

Beginning to, Iam64 as the O/P has not come back at all to us, and normally in these sorts of discussions they do when issues/ideas raised.

I don’t bother speculating whether posts are genuine. Sometimes the most unlikely situations are genuine, and sometimes OPs may not come back because the reality of their situation is driven home by reading others’ responses. This is, or would be a nightmare situation for any parent, and certainly happens in real life.

If the OP is not genuine then I’m sorry they have to resort to making stuff up on a forum for some reason, and I hope they’ve gained whatever satisfaction it may have given them

I feel the same Nightowl.

Have you googled the name Nonnak? The necromancer that doesn’t leave a corpse?

Genuine or not there are issues raised and answered that could be useful and informative.