Thanks Smileless 
Sending love to anyone who was scapegoated by a narcissist, it was never anything wrong with you, it was who they are. themindfool.com/what-is-family-scapegoat-how-to-break-free/#:~:text=Usually%2C%20the%20blacks%20sheep%20or%20family%20scapegoat%20is,power.%20Thus%2C%20they%20want%20to%20suppress%20the%20scapegoat. I have been through it and come out the other side.
I am not sure H was the Scapegoat, but I think sometimes we can assign our own values to others because we are kind and concerned. I admit, it could look like W is the Golden Child, but it doesn't matter who was born or when in the RF, it only comes down to birth order. Whoever was the firstborn was going to be the heir. It could have been H, but it wasn't- and that's not something that he or his parents were in control of. It doesn't really help to rebel against something that was predetermined before birth, but I can understand as a child that it must have been really hard to comprehend and deal with. Ideally there should have been support on hand to help deal with these very different roles and expectations- but we don't know if it was or not.
Joseanne
Great post @ 20.07 Onward.
Trust is vital in any meaningful relationship and Harry may find that the road to rebuilding it with his family, in particular his father and brother, will be a long one.
As I posted earlier, I do think it's brave of Charles to offer peace talks and I hope that if they do take place the content is kept private.
When somebody shows you who they are, believe them. It can be so hard Sparklefizz especially when it's hard to believe that they're not the person you thought they were.
VioletSky
If I had been trashed all over the press, in often racially loaded ways and my own father and brother stood back and said nothing...
I'd be wanting my father and brother back too, in the roles they should have inhabited from the beginning.
This is what happens when you have a an image motivated family invested in rug sweeping and you try to tell the truth because your childhood and your own family have harmed you.
Only in this case, it has played out in the public eye and quite a lot of the public are just as invested in the image of the royal family as the royal family themselves..
Interesting view VS. I don't know if it's my (older) age making me think differently, but with the best of wishes and no antagonism meant - here goes:
If I had, I wouldn't want them back. People cannot be what they never have been, it is too late. I would work on accepting "it is what it is", "when a person shows you who they are, believe them". When you accept who and what they are, you don't expect them to change, you adjust your expectations and move on. For example, a narcissist cannot change. They simply are. It is who and what they are. To expect them to be anything else is simply a waste of time. Probably the same goes for any personality disorder which is not recognized by the person who has it. The term anosognosia has been mentioned and applies to people who are unaware of their own condition.
I would take what was rightfully mine and live my best life without them, protected and safe from harm, enjoying the best things.
Personally am not a RF fan at all, so my judgement of H is not based on loyalty to the others but my personal values and standards.
As my therapist once said " We can't change others, but we can change the way we deal with them". I wish you peace and love and all that's good as you accept that they couldn't be what you needed because of who they are. It is hard, but it's possible to work on loving and accepting yourself so much that you don't need their input anymore. Then, if you have it, it's a bonus to you but is no longer essential to your wellbeing.
Callistemon21
^Some people have suggested that H is the Scapegoat. Often the Scapegoat is the most emotionally healthy person in the family^
Not sure that that is the case here, though OnwardandUpward
Or me!@Calistemon21
Just throwing it into the mix though 
I am a scapegoat myself and am not enmeshed to anyone, but the golden kids are.
Some people have suggested that H is the Scapegoat. Often the Scapegoat is the most emotionally healthy person in the family
Not sure that that is the case here, though OnwardandUpward 
VioletSky
Plenty of people write books onward
There have been lots of books about mothers like mine for example that I've found very helpful.
Tbh with you, if I had the ability to write a book about my experiences and it might help people I might consider it
Also the price of things these days, a few extra quid would soothe a few of those mother wounds
Lol I'm joking
It's not for me and you run the risk of people absolutely tearing you down for no reason just saying " I'm estranged" which I wouldn't want to be a legacy I handed to my children...
But Harry comes from a long line of people who wrote books and did dodgy interviews so it's normal for him
As I said earlier, these things need unravelling from beginning to end.
Doing it from end to beginning helps no one.
As an example, if any adult says to another adult "you were the worst [insert family member here] and I don't want a relationship with you". Focusing on that and how upset and angry that makes the estrangee instead of what happened to reach that point, will help absolutely noone.
To unravel this, it starts in Harry's childhood, not his behaviour now
True many people write books...and I'm sure many of us can honestly say we would love to have written a book. It's not writing the book that I' object to. It's not even because it's Harry. I have never read a book by his father either (or any other Royal)
As I've already said, it is the nature of some of the revelations that really bothered me, rather than writing the book itself.
I see what you mean VS about it seeming normal to Harry to write a book. If only he had stuck to his medical information and his kids and all the things he has achieved or places he has visited, talked about the layout of his home and about things in his new life, I think all would have been ok. I do think it was a huge mistake to refer to the Taliban (at all)
And yes I see that it ideally would be good to unravel his story at the beginning. If he has begun to do that perhaps it has not worked for him? It is all of our responsibility to unravel our own story.
I recently overheard someone tell her adult son he had ruined her life and was stunned to see that they spent the entire Christmas together. It seems so unfair because I would never say anything nasty to my son (I might have thought it but I would never say it)- yet I have had to distance to protect myself.
Whenever anyone puts themselves in the public eye by writing a book they can expect to be discussed. I think in some ways good has come of it. Not for the RF, but I did read that some illegal shamans were arrested. Good. Those people have done much harm to my family and to my son.
This discussion thread has reached a 1000 message limit, and so cannot accept new messages.
Start a new discussion
