I’m heartbroken - Any advice please.

Only lend money that you can afford to lose, but the best adage is ‘never a borrower or a lender be ‘.

Unfortunately they are a nuclear family now and you are not.

It's a difficult transition for most parents I think, to go from your child and you being nuclear family to your child creating their own but that's as it should be.

They will make plans now that you can choose to attend just as you can make plans they can choose to attend.

I'd say no to dogsitting as its not going to work for you.

I'd also suggest a repayment plan for the money and ask what they can afford.

Never ever speak badly of the wife, even if you are repeating what son says. He may vent to you in an argument, take it with a pinch of salt. If you don't let go of things that bug him when he does, it will simply push you further apart when he feels you dislike who he loves.

There is also a danger in blaming the DIL. Did you not raise a son capable of his own decisions?

Please do not assign strings to actions- from your post, I get the impression the lending was being attached to a graduation invite

I think you were also unreasonable expecting Xmas presents from son

I find suspicious the timing of requesting the money back (which they very well owe you) - only after your request to meet was not accepted and your son called you unreasonable about Xmas (need to go back and check what triggered your loan back request)

Did they know you needed help after 2 months of no income?
I see you expect them to read your mind and raise to the occasion

What a sad situation. I don't necessarily think that being a career women is self centred. Your Son sounds equally responsible for the situation so saying albeit that his Wife was to blame takes him out of the scenario. They are struggling on one wage and are both high earners this statement does not make sense. His Wife has high expectations of people what exactly is she expecting from other and especially from you as her MIL? I hope that you are able to reconcile with them and find a way forward.

Smileless2012

If only some of these sons would make a stand DL. It's not a case of putting mum first, it's about behaving appropriately and if a d.i.l. isn't doing so, there's no reason why a son can't.

Yes, it's not about forcing his wife to meet with his mother, as that must be her choice. I estranged my first MIL, for valid reasons, but I didn't give an opinion as to what my ex should do - that was his choice to make.

But, there's no reason why a son can't keep the relationship with his parents,

When our kids leave the nest, they obviously, must live their lives, without parents involving themselves too much or keep offering opinions.

But, I seriously don't see consideration and respect towards parents needs to take back seat with marriage.

Of course, your husband or wife should come first, but that needn't include cutting yourself off from your birth family.😉

Cou;d they not have all stayed at yours Christmas night and then you drive them back in the morning?

You are allowed to say 'no'

'no' I don't want to be driving on Christmas day
'no' I can't lend you the money
'no' I can't have your dog as I have a cat

and then just be clear on your boundaries

They sound young and selfish but so are lots of people. Try and communicate with them again even if it means compromise and get on with your own life too. Immerse yourself in your other relationships and activities that you like to do I know it's hard

Hithere - No, the loan was a year before the Graduation day. I do things because I want to, not because I expect things in return. I am a great believer that kindness costs nothing.

You say I never had a close relationship previously with my son, so why should it be any better now…. My son and I were very close. The deterioration has been gradual over the last couple of years. I just kept hoping it would improve. We have been through a lot with my ex husband when we were a family. 6 years ago I nearly ended up losing my home when my husband lost all our retirement savings, through him trading in the stock market. There was no money to pay off the end of term mortgage. I nearly had a breakdown but had no choice to start over again without any help.. I was previously a very strong and resourceful person but these days and at my age, I feel vulnerable.

I shouldn’t expect a present from my son at Christmas…. Do you not exchange presents in your family? Do you have children? A card would have been suffice - it’s the principle. As I’ve mentioned in my post, there’s always excuses for forgetting memorable dates . Being a mother doesn’t give you rights but you would hope your offspring cared enough to do the little things in life that give one pleasure . I know people that live their lives voraciously through their children but I’m not demanding at all.

I had a fall before Christmas with bad injuries. I never told my son. I was housebound for two weeks and was feeling really low. Just a day out in London to see my son before Christmas would have picked me up, hence me texting my daughter in law.

And yes, I did remain neutral when my son and his wife sought counselling. I listened to both of their accounts and the wife was grateful at the time for my input. I had an awful MIL that thought her son was perfect. I did not wish to be that person.

Jane judge they had an early morning flight from Heathrow. They wanted to leave in the evening. We had bad snow here and because of the distance didn’t feel comfortable driving. It’s the expectations all of the time . I said no to things and they cut me off. No calls at Christmas or NY.

Theexwife

It is a sad situation for you to be in, maybe they pick up on the fact that you blame your daughter in law for your sons distancing of you.

Most people will choose their partner over their mother, as it should be if given the choice.

This.

Married people put each other first. Vows.

I'm sorry you're unhappy.

You had a fall before Christmas and told no one but would have loved a break but Annaliese they are not mind readers You have to ask people ‘Son I had a nasty fall and feel really quite low at the moment could I have a day out with you to perk me up’ I think you are massively afraid of rejection but by pulling your little head in like a tortoise you won’t get anything A lot of children are selfish when they are trying to set themselves up and unless you spell it out they won’t be even thinking about you
We have to all accept that as we get older our children and then soon after our grandkids have to pull away to survive and make their own lives ….its NATURE

Your DIL sounds quite sensible to me. Despite the fact that you obviously don't approve or like her, which she will have picked up on, she nevertheless still offered to adjust her Christmas plans to suit you. This wasn't what you wanted so she is now quite rightly continuing with her life and marriage as suits her.. Just as your sensible ex told you.. time to move on..

Am I the only one who is concerned that a selfish 'high flying', intensely busy couple have bought a puppy which they almost immediately ask someone else to look after?

Paddyann54 Our generation did jump through hoops for our parents. My husband was amazing towards my mum when she was on her own. He treated her like his own mum. I believe a moral compass guides you in life. I didn’t raise my son to be self absorbed and uncaring. I don’t really expect much, just consideration which seems to always lacking. I have supported my ex through cancer this year and it’s been tough. Here’s an example of total selfishness when my son suggested to his wife that they visit his dad, ‘ What will I do up there’!!!!

Pascal30. My daughter in law has actually said to me in the past that I’m a good MIL. Of course that’s when I was bending over backwards to help save their marriage and giving her advice. I have never shown my disapproval as it’s who my son chose to marry. If she doesn’t get her own way she will passively break a person down. None of my sons friends like her - they find her difficult, controlling and very hard to read. If my son had chose a distant cousin over his wife’s mother nearer the time, for Christmas Day, there would have been hell. My son and I had agreed a plan - she was the one that changed things last minute. The cousin stayed with them for a week previously and then decided then to stay for Christmas Day. She had a big family of her own but chose not to be with them.

BlueBelle When I had the fall they had not contacted me for a month, since the dog request and their alternative suggestions. I knew they had taken umbrage and yes I therefore was afraid of rejection and blame.

HouseplantQueen Yes very unreasonable assuming I could do it. They never thought it through re my cat. My ex didn’t want to do it either but is too soft. They promised to look after my cat in the summer so I could go on holiday but let me down at the last minute . I had no choice but to pay a cat sitter for the week .. No one has picked up on the point that there was no provisions in for a dog sitter, for a week over Christmas Neither of them asked until late in Christmas Eve when supermarkets were closing.

Annelise in your first post you imply that you gave your son your savings. If it was clear that it was a loan you should wait till the end of January and then insist that you need it back now since your own circumstances have changed.

I would forget Christmas - you're right to be hurt at no present but water under the bridge now. As some one else said, arrange this year to stay in a hotel close to them and see how things pan out.

Carry on as usual re birthday cards etc so it doesn't seem as tho you're in a huff.

And refuse to look after the dog since you have a cat.

Hope this year is better for you, do try not to think about them so much.

Move on Annealisa it’s never going to be as you want it
Your son has made his choice and his choice is for his wife
It may change but have no expectations then there will be no disappointments
I m not at all sure why you were so stiff about Christmas and the cousin you might have really liked her and had a fun couple of days if not you needn’t have done it again
It’s your choice after all
Build up your life with other things then when they speak to you next you won’t sound needy
We all have to let our adult children go and make their own mistakes and their own lives and often it doesn’t include us that might seem rude and uncaring but nature puts distance between the generations for a reason
If ever you lend money again have a VERY clear pay back system I lent one of my grandkids some money a year ago and we set up a standing order together and now it’s all paid back Good for them, good for me

Annalise,

Accept your son is not willing to give you what you think you deserve

Generalizations are evil
This generation has its own rules anyway - and your son will or not follow them

What you did for others does not have to be what your son chooses to do

You raised a person to be independent, not to act as you wish him to act

Your posts are so subjective- you do not want "much" from him
Does he know what "much" is?
Does he agree your much is something he is willing to do?

The couple are the ones involved in saving their marriage- others, including you, have nothing to do with it
That screams enmeshment

You agreed on a Xmas plan with your son
In real life, plans change and all parties need to adapt.

Adults not talking for a month- it is honesty not that unusual, life is busy and time flies

Why didn't you call your son during that month?

You need more help than the one we can provide here

Is your son selfish?
Or you are selfish expecting to have a timeshare of his calendar to be spent with you?

It is all relative

No, I do not get or expect presents from my kids or husband in Xmas. I am just happy spending time with them

BlueBelle That’s true! I explained my reasons for not being able to sleep in their living room with the cousin, plus not being able to drive the 200 miles back to London if they came to me. Also the fact that my daughter in law is lazy and would not pull her weight at mine. She has complained about my lack of a dishwasher previously. I need help as have arthritis in my hand joints, another thing she doesn’t understand.

The loan was agreed to be paid back when they had sold a property investment they owned. They never kept me posted that it was now going to be this year. I only wanted a proportion of it to help me with big bills I’ve had recently.

Yes, I need to move on now but I’m still not going to be on the receiving end of favours and being hurt. Christmas is a needy lonely time for many of us. Otherwise I am not a needy person.

Leave your dil alone!
It is your son who has to pull his weight in your house

Your post do indicate your son and dil may see you as needy

As someone in the same boat, I gave up trying years ago .I've only seen yougest sons two kids once in six years.The minute my son met his now wife we realised what she was like. The first Christmas they were together I expected him to go to her parents.This was fourteen years ago.The following year I invited them to ours and her response "sorry but I always spend it with my parents". I was stunned.What they don't know is that I've written them out of my will and left it all to our eldest sons boy who we see every week. This son and D.inlaw get how family stuff works and younger sons been brain washed more fool him.

Wow That’s about as mean spirited as you can get not how I would ever want to work 1987

Simply goshawful! This is what I would do. I would begin volunteering some place for returning vets who might have been injured, have no close family, and are struggling. I would also possibly volunteer at a child's center, teaching a child to read, working with a small group of kids to play simple games, whatever is available. I would not call them if God knocked on my door and asked how they were. If she is Chinese, as I think she might be, you'll find they often have a thing about the males or sons in the family, even in this day and age. I know this from experience. Obviously, she's not much fun because even your son felt controlled by her and wanted to leave. If they contact you, I would be pleasant, even cheerful, and I would reveal nothing, unless you have to, of what you are doing. I would ask only general questions about their life. If they want to get together, I would make a moderate effort to do it on their terms, but I would get some of my terms in first, and I would definitely not go out of the way. I would do other things to add other people, friends to my life. We all need to feel needed. I recently had two knee surgeries and was wobbling around. When my grandson showed up for a two-day stay, I was able to kick it into high gear and work through the pain to cook for him and do his laundry and spend time with him. He was quite grateful, and I did it all willingly. I do have a member of the family who is very difficult and, in order to make things work in a lot of different directions, my husband and I have gone way out of our way. The last nasty encounter was the last nasty encounter, if you know what I mean. This person is now persona non grata, and I have made up my mind that nothing but an abject, in person, most sincere apology would make any difference. You sound perfectly reasonable to me, and I would get busy aligning myself with and getting to know other perfectly reasonable people who might be more appreciative. I hope you have gotten your money back. In Good luck!

Annealise:

'I shouldn’t expect a present from my son at Christmas…. Do you not exchange presents in your family?'

Well, no we certainly don't - not for adults. Different families have different traditions. Therefore, if you asked me to meet, to exchange presents, I'd think you had a cheek and/or were controlling, expecting me to buy you something (in fact, bad mannered).

I've always disliked the unreasonable expectations of others, the assumption that I don't mind doing things their way. I never say anything directly to stir up trouble. Others find me very easy going (but I'm not).

Yes, they've been inconsiderate but so have you. If I were invited, I'd just go - cousin or not - because I wouldn't expect my own room. Your reaction looked like you resented the cousin's presence - and expected special treatment. It's a shame, as I'm sure that you would have enjoyed yourself.

So - you don't like his wife - but really can't blame her for his behaviour - I blame the parents!

Happycatholic wife1 Thank you, I am going to channel my energy into more volunteer work. No, she’s of Russian descent not Chinese. Born into a wealthy family and treated staff like peasants when she was a teenager, my son told me. Her dad lost all the family money later on and she has a fractured relationship with him. Mother passed away when my son first met. On the whole I find Eastern European people very difficult to read. I don’t think they intend to be cold, it’s just must be their way . Yes she’s not all that much fun, whenever I’ve seen her. Pleasant enough, but very reserved and serious. Always wanted her own way with my son, hence he was going to leave her.
Good on you doing that for your Grandson despite your medical condition. He didn’t expect it from you and you did it because you wanted to, out of love. I am a people pleaser and do anything for people that are grateful, which my son always has been. However the wife just expects it. I fully understand what you mean about your last nasty encounter - well done for removing them from your lives.

Hetty58 We are a small family and that’s what we usually do. We are not in each other’s lives all year round like a lot of people so celebrated occasions matter . Even a card would have done me - most people send Christmas cards! I didn’t state categorically to her to meet up JUST to exchange presents( I just was trying to be brief in my post). There was a postal strike and I had no means of getting their gifts to them. I had said that I was surprised that I hadn’t heard from them to meet up, AND exchange our gifts, as we weren’t spending Christmas Day together and then they would be away. There were no provisions in, or even a card for my ex that had done them a big favour. Just expectations from us all, hence me putting my foot down this time.

No, you're not the only one. I know other people who have done exactly the same. They get a needy dog and then ask someone to watch it whom they almost know would have to say "no". Then they're mad. I personally think that's kind of a passive aggressive thing on the DIL's part. She set OP up to fail. Looking back at the texts and reading them carefully, I think they did the same thing with Christmas. Yes, they offered you choices, but they are choices that would be difficult, if not impossible, for OP to take. They are not even remotely considering that she is older and has health concerns. What cheek asking OP to babysit and drive her cousin around. That's not a reasonable Christmas visit alternative, unless you know the cousin very well and get on very, very well with the daughter-in-law.

BlueBelle, I don't think changing your will to leave selfish and difficult people out is mean-spirited or wrong at all. In fact, I think it's unfair and unjust to leave equal shares to people who have treated you badly. As long as you don't hold the money over their head and constantly tell them what you're doing, it's nobody's business but yours and the person who receives it. And it gives the person who has been left out something to chew over in their later life.