I am really desperate for some advice please and could only think of here to post as I just don’t know what to do about my situation and am so distraught. I apologise for the length but needed to explain all the facts.
I am divorced and have one son. I am from a small family and they don’t live locally. My son unfortunately married a very self entitled career woman five years ago. They married in Hong Kong where they were living at the time and invited no one to their wedding, which devastated me. Her true colours didn’t come out until later in the marriage. Whenever I went to visit them in London the atmosphere was tense and I felt in the way and not welcome but ignored it. My son began to feel controlled and he wanted to leave but they sought professional counselling and I supported them throughout - always remaining neutral and giving them good advice, albeit knowing his wife was to blame. They came through it for the better and then my son wanted to better his career by doing a Masters Degree.
My son has never asked me for anything and has made his own way through life successfully. He did however ask me if I could help them out financially to pay towards some of his course fees, because they were struggling on one wage. I gave them my savings, despite not being in too good a financial situation myself. He now has a very good job but I felt robbed of another special occasion (other one was his wedding) in his life when they failed to get me a ticket in time for the Graduation day. They are both very busy people and I always felt they just squeeze me in around their plans, changing the goalposts to suit them etc...
We haven’t spent Christmas together for years due to them previously living abroad before their marriage, then Covid lock downs and last year they went away for Christmas. This year I was really looking forward to spending Christmas with my son and checked in advance if they were free. He told me ‘yes we’ll have a nice Christmas this year’. In mid November however, he told me they were now going abroad on Boxing Day morning to his wife’s friends wedding. They then bought a puppy and my daughter in law asked me to look after it for a week while they were going to away for a week. Previous to this, I had not heard from her since the Graduation day plans fell through for me, in July. I have a very stressy cat who has never met a dog , yet alone had one in the house. I was shocked at the lack of the consideration towards me of how they expected me to cope. Then a big bombshell dropped - she asked me what my Christmas plans were. She told me her young cousin from abroad would be staying with them and would be there Christmas Day.
I felt so upset and angry as I felt so let down and that they just take from me without giving all the time. She said I come down Christmas Eve but would have to sleep in the living room with her cousin ( they are in a one bedroom flat). I didn’t feel comfortable with this as I have never met her and have some health issues. Also who would look after my cat… She then offered me alternative suggestive like bringing her cousin to my house and then I could drive them all back to London Christmas night. A round trip of 200miles. I didn’t want to this either. For once in my life I put my foot down. I felt second best, as a mother, over the cousin and also felt used re being asked to look after their dog. Plus I knew from experience I would have to all the cooking/ washing up whilst they all do nothing if they came to mine. It would have been an exhausting day for me.
Needless to say it was an impossible situation for me re the dog. They then asked my ex husband go down to look after it. They never even got provisions in for him for the holiday period There were no Christmas cards or presents for either of us from them in the flat. I texted her 5 days before Christmas to ask if we were meeting up to exchange presents in London as I was a bit disappointed that I hadn’t hear from them in 6 weeks. Her response was , that they had stood on their heads to please me but I had refused any Christmas suggestions and to not turn things around. I asked when my money would be paid back that I had loaned them as I haven’t had any income for two months and am struggling to get by. It was meant to be paid back in December. She said that I was informed it would be the end of December - and there was no offer of anything at all to help me. They were going away on an expensive trip and are high earners!
I am afraid after five years of staying silent over everything, that I lost it and said that the selfish attitude is exasperating and to have a nice Christmas with her cousin. To cover myself with my son, I texted him( they are never available to take my calls) and told him I feel very hurt that he chose his wife’s cousin over his mother for Christmas Day. I took the opportunity to say that I find his wife’s high expectations of people too much to cope with and there is no consideration for me. He replied saying ‘ we found you very unreasonable regarding our alternative plans’ - and that was that. It’s now been two months since I spoke to them.
It’s a special Birthday for me in a couple of weeks and they never remember Mother’s Day or my Birthday due to their hectic lifestyle. I just feel so worthless, unwanted and sad.I had to lie to friends and say I spent Christmas with my son, to save embarrassment which is really upsetting too.. It’s just finally ‘the last straw’ really for me. My ex has advised me to start afresh when I eventually hear from them and not mention anything/ or how I have been feeling, because they won’t change.. I feel if I don’t address issues nothing will change and I will end up more resentful and end up cutting them both off. I know I would be used if they have children in the future.
Soop's kitchen for kindly folk.
Food bank rollercoaster. Huge empathy to Fury!! Is it just me?