Time to draw a line?

That was an old thread. I wonder how Hels is doing now

I am always very sad to hear of estrangements within families and some without reason. I know you are being given good advice here from grans with a very similar experience.

I agree (easily said than done though) have a time to weep then try to move on. You still have your life to live and you have done all you can. Take the advice given wisely open an account for your GC and leave details in your will. I wish you well look after yourself 💐

VioletSky

I think, for your own sake, it is time to stop.

I would advise some grief counselling while things are so painful... unless you would consider offering your daughter joint counselling to see if you can move past this together

I agree with this. Buying gifts without any attempt at reconciliation is pointless

What is the matter with people?? When did people become so mean and spiteful to their parents? Ive been estranged from my son for over 15 years Ive stopped counting. For my own sake I dont even go there now. Their plan is to break you to have you on your knees for not being a perfect parent dont let them. Carry on regardless. Let them get on with it. One cannot fix what ails them. One day they will question their behaviour when its too late. I believe in karma they will at some point get a taste of their own treatment. Take care of yourself.

Dear Hels ,
How cruel your dd and sil are.
I can’t imagine what heinous crimes they feel you are guilty of to punish you in such a way. Clearly not bad enough to warrant being treated like an anonymous babysitter for the odd hour or two and the butt of a cruel joke to put your loving gift in a “pass the parcel” party game.
Shame on them!
I don’t think other people would think much of them either and you know what children are like, if your gd knew the gift was meant for her I’m sure it wouldn’t make her happy.
I feel sad for you and had to tell you I think you are worth more than this.

I have a pregnant dil who is mean and nasty and only today has caused trouble between me and my son. She doesn’t want me around she never has and when she has this baby, even though it’s my son’s I will never put myself through pain like you have.
It sounds like your daughter has her husband’s backing and that’s a difficult one to break down barriers.
Take care of yourself. Xx

So very sorry to hear this, Hels, and I have to admire your commitment over the long term, despite the fact that your efforts have not been appreciated. Perhaps it's now time to draw a line under it, painful as that is, and move on to pastures new. Excusing yourself from the pressure of a continued fruitless and emotionally draining exercise will become a positive, and it will get easier.

Sallywally, what a charmer your sil is. I would do as you’d do and ignore him. As you say everything passes.

Good for you Sallywally, what right does your ED's husband have to tell you you can't send your GS's birthday cards. What matters to you is you send them.

We used to send beautiful gifts to our estranged daughters sons, but I had a very cold message from her husband telling us to stop as they were only thrown away! I do still send birthday cards whatever he says.

I plan to see them when they are of an age to choose themselves, the eldest is already nearly nine. In the meantime I write letters, which I don’t send, and enjoy the beautiful grandchildren I am allowed to see. I tell myself that this too will pass, but I do understand the hurt involved. Take care.

I certainly feel for you Hels001. I'm going through it with my own daughter. I have a post on this forum so you can see for yourself. I would be devastated at your daughter's actions too. I'm just glad there are no grandchildren involved with mine. Hugs to you. xx

Hels, , I am so sorry, your d is unbearably cruel. I sent presents and money, found out when she was grown up, she never received any or the beautiful cards I sent,. It broke me because I constantly hoped things might get better, I prayed every night for all of them, constantly thought I must have caused it but didn’t know how. Hesitant to give advice, but I would just send cards and not presents, you don’t know if gd knows about the money or if the parents just spent it. The gap has been so long for me now that we can’t connect, they don’t know me or I them, I do know I am not unkind and could not have done what they did. Live a happy life, don’t waste your time as I did. The years go by and you just get older but nothing changes. Why would anyone reconnect with those that treat their own family so shabbily, the gd norm is just what she lives now. I believe in doing the right thing and if you’ve tried everything, you accept what is. The Serenity Prayer is my Mantra, it helps me a lot when I get down. Please be kind to yourself.

could you write her a simple letter? apologising and asking if you can move on from this? say you will not mention the past unless she wants to talk about it?

I can see you have your own pain to deal with and she has her own but what happened to you and her Father wasn;t to do with her.

I am sorry Hels001. It is so cruel, look after yourself. Try not to dwell on this, it won't help you. Keep busy if you can.

Hi JaneJudge when my daughter said she didn't want a relationship with me or me I her life I did try to talk to her about what had actually gone one and thinking back now I'd shielded her from alot but then bringing things up made me seem desperate since she had no recollection of some things the conversation turned into me begging and pleading which was when she said I could send cards and gifts for my granddaughter.
I'm not proud of myself or how I handled things but I honestly thought I had a chance of rebuilding our relationship and actually having some sort of relationship with my granddaughter I kept telling myself she's getting old enough to start asking about me and maybe wanting to contact me to say thank you for the gifts - how stupid I am she's no idea I exist. Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts gransnetters much appreciated. X

sorry that is completely my fault for not reading properly

Hels was told by her D that it was OK to send her GD cards and gifts Jane.

Hello, I'm sorry you are so upset. You say your divorce was acrimonious and your daughter was influenced by your ex and his now wife/partner. Have you spoken all this over with your daughter?

You've been asked not to send gifts so I would stop spending them

I think, for your own sake, it is time to stop.

I would advise some grief counselling while things are so painful... unless you would consider offering your daughter joint counselling to see if you can move past this together

Unfortunately the GC are also victims HPQ. We've never known ours as we were estranged when the eldest was just 8 months old.

That's bad enough but for those who once had a relationship with their children, it will be heartbreaking for them and the children who must wonder why they don't see their GP's anymore.

I'm so pleased that you've been helped by posting here Hels.

Thank you for the book recommendation pascal30 I'll get onto that this weekend too. I live in hope that one day just maybe there'll be a knock at the door and she will be standing there - but I fear that only happens in films. I'm more inclined now to think that she has no idea of my existence and never will. Thank you HousePlantQueen just posting on here has helped im sure I'll keep doing so now. X

This is so very sad, and so very cruel. Not only are you estranged from your DD and her family, but by their actions they have deprived a child of her grandparents. Thankfully, I am not in this position as I do not have grandchildren, but it makes me so sad when I read of others estrangement, and a dear aunt and uncle died after many years of not being able to see their grandsons, they moved on, but it was always there in the background. I sometimes wonder (hope?) that sometime in the future, these grandchildren will turn on their parents and ask why they were not allowed to know their grandparents. I do hope you will find solace on GN, you have had some good advice today.

You might find some comfort from a book called 'Done with the Crying' by Sheri McGregor. I can't image how much pain you've suffered because of this cruelty...

Thank you everyone. It never occurred to me to apply for a copy I'll get onto that this weekend. Your all so very kind. Your right I don't tell people about it for fear of being judged. The friend whose daughter is still in touch with my daughter knows all about it and I think even she's at a loss as to understand. I remember one conversation when I confided in her I was struggling with it all her reply was " just pretend they live abroad if you tell yourself that it might be easier " Thank you again everyone for the excellent advice.

Oh Hels - I just cannot believe the cruelty. It’s hard to draw a line, isn’t it ? I have 3 AC. I have had issues with 2 of them, but they never stopped me from seeing the GC. Perhaps they would have if I allowed them to. They agreed for me to visit and play with the GC for an hour or so, while they stayed upstairs or went out. It was so, so hard. Things are ok now, but every time I think of it, the tears well up. And I’m always treading on egg-shells.
Some find it difficult to talk to their friends about it. Feel free to come on here and offload. We’re always here to listen and you will see you’re not alone.

Germanshepherdsmum

I’m so sorry. If you need your grandchild’s birth certificate to set up a savings account in her name you can get an official copy of it from the General Register Office. You can apply online. Then the money would clearly not be yours so not taken into account for assessing benefits, care costs or inheritance tax.

I wondered if there was a way. Good information for those who, for whatever reason, don't have access to their GC information.

We have accomplished saving accounts for all our GC/GGC, with family consent - as you say 'clearly not ours' in any manner.