Gransnet forums


Time to draw a line?

(33 Posts)
Hels001 Fri 27-Jan-23 13:34:02

My dd and I have been estranged some time now since a very acrimonious divorce from her dad. In fact her dad and step mum are key players in it. However I have a granddaughter who's now just had her 8th birthday. I was informed by dd she didn't want any form of relationship ever again with me however I could send cards and gifts for granddaughter. I have it was cheques which were cashed first Christmas and birthday. Then for the next couple of years it was cash in cards which I myself posted through their door - never a thank you. This last Christmas now we can shop safely I took the bus into town and chose a couple of outfits from Next sent with gift receipts via a friend's daughter who still sees my dd. They moved house never gave me their address. Its just been granddaughters 8th birthday I sent an expensive gift from Beaverbrooks a lovely child's locket. I've just had a phone call from my friend to say probably best not to send a gift again since apparently the locket was wrapped up and given as a prize for pass the parcel her daughter attended the party and saw this. I'm absolutely gutted. There are no words to say how I feel.

anna7 Fri 27-Jan-23 13:42:52

I'm so sorry Hels001. That is very hurtful. You must be devastated. If I was you I would just send cards to your granddaughter from now on. You could if you wanted to open a savings account for her and put the money you would have spent in there. You can give it to her when she has grown up.

Hels001 Fri 27-Jan-23 13:59:36

Thank you anna7 I did look at opening an account in her name that I could put money into but was told I need her birth certificate. I think I'll just have to leave her a gift in my will at least she will benefit from it then.

Smileless2012 Fri 27-Jan-23 14:09:24

I'm so sorry Hels that you've been estrangedflowers and yes, I'm afraid it is time to draw a line.

The gifts you've been sending your GD appear not have been passed onto her, and it could be that the money hasn't been either. Your D is being very cruel to you and your GD, to say you may send these gifts if they are not being given to her.

You could open a savings account in your name, and put money in for her birthday and at Christmas. Have this account specifically mentioned in your will with your GD as beneficiary.

Far from ideal I know, but at least there will come a time when she'll know that she was always loved by you and never forgotten. You could also get birthday and Christmas cards for a memory box, which will also be left to her in your will. This is what we do for our GC, not much but at least it's something.

For those of us also estranged by an adult child, you don't need to find the words to say how you feel, we know and understand.

There's a support thread on this forum which you may find helpful. It's helped many over the years and I've been posting there regularly for 10 years.

The pain never goes away but it does get easier with time and for me, I was only able to begin to heal when I accepted that our relationship with our son and only GC was over, and there was nothing we could do about it.

Taking care of yourself is what you need to do and the first step is protect yourself from any more hurt.

Hels001 Fri 27-Jan-23 14:28:52

Thank you Smileless2012 for your kind advice I admit I'd clung to the idea that while ever I was allowed to send these gifts there was hope of a reconciliation I've been kidding myself I know now. I'm going to set aside a little time for a good old cry later on and try and accept things for what they are. Thanks again.

Smileless2012 Fri 27-Jan-23 14:34:10

That's why it's so cruel Hels. Of course you thought that being able to send gifts and cards was a hopeful sign that there could be reconciliation at some point. It would never have occurred to you that they weren't being passed on.

Have a good cry, let it out and know that either on this thread or the support thread, there will always be someone to read your posts and offer what help and support they can.

You're not alone and it's surprising how comforting that can be to know flowers.

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 27-Jan-23 14:37:15

I’m so sorry. If you need your grandchild’s birth certificate to set up a savings account in her name you can get an official copy of it from the General Register Office. You can apply online. Then the money would clearly not be yours so not taken into account for assessing benefits, care costs or inheritance tax.

Smileless2012 Fri 27-Jan-23 14:38:48

Oh that's a good point GSMsmile.

Norah Fri 27-Jan-23 14:43:56


I’m so sorry. If you need your grandchild’s birth certificate to set up a savings account in her name you can get an official copy of it from the General Register Office. You can apply online. Then the money would clearly not be yours so not taken into account for assessing benefits, care costs or inheritance tax.

I wondered if there was a way. Good information for those who, for whatever reason, don't have access to their GC information.

We have accomplished saving accounts for all our GC/GGC, with family consent - as you say 'clearly not ours' in any manner.

crazyH Fri 27-Jan-23 14:53:48

Oh Hels - I just cannot believe the cruelty. It’s hard to draw a line, isn’t it ? I have 3 AC. I have had issues with 2 of them, but they never stopped me from seeing the GC. Perhaps they would have if I allowed them to. They agreed for me to visit and play with the GC for an hour or so, while they stayed upstairs or went out. It was so, so hard. Things are ok now, but every time I think of it, the tears well up. And I’m always treading on egg-shells.
Some find it difficult to talk to their friends about it. Feel free to come on here and offload. We’re always here to listen and you will see you’re not alone. flowers

Hels001 Fri 27-Jan-23 15:04:04

Thank you everyone. It never occurred to me to apply for a copy I'll get onto that this weekend. Your all so very kind. Your right I don't tell people about it for fear of being judged. The friend whose daughter is still in touch with my daughter knows all about it and I think even she's at a loss as to understand. I remember one conversation when I confided in her I was struggling with it all her reply was " just pretend they live abroad if you tell yourself that it might be easier " Thank you again everyone for the excellent advice.

pascal30 Fri 27-Jan-23 15:27:55

You might find some comfort from a book called 'Done with the Crying' by Sheri McGregor. I can't image how much pain you've suffered because of this cruelty...

HousePlantQueen Fri 27-Jan-23 15:31:10

This is so very sad, and so very cruel. Not only are you estranged from your DD and her family, but by their actions they have deprived a child of her grandparents. Thankfully, I am not in this position as I do not have grandchildren, but it makes me so sad when I read of others estrangement, and a dear aunt and uncle died after many years of not being able to see their grandsons, they moved on, but it was always there in the background. I sometimes wonder (hope?) that sometime in the future, these grandchildren will turn on their parents and ask why they were not allowed to know their grandparents. I do hope you will find solace on GN, you have had some good advice today.

Hels001 Fri 27-Jan-23 15:46:10

Thank you for the book recommendation pascal30 I'll get onto that this weekend too. I live in hope that one day just maybe there'll be a knock at the door and she will be standing there - but I fear that only happens in films. I'm more inclined now to think that she has no idea of my existence and never will. Thank you HousePlantQueen just posting on here has helped im sure I'll keep doing so now. X

Smileless2012 Fri 27-Jan-23 17:37:37

Unfortunately the GC are also victims HPQ. We've never known ours as we were estranged when the eldest was just 8 months old.

That's bad enough but for those who once had a relationship with their children, it will be heartbreaking for them and the children who must wonder why they don't see their GP's anymore.

I'm so pleased that you've been helped by posting here Hels.

VioletSky Mon 30-Jan-23 18:20:00

I think, for your own sake, it is time to stop.

I would advise some grief counselling while things are so painful... unless you would consider offering your daughter joint counselling to see if you can move past this together

JaneJudge Mon 30-Jan-23 18:25:59

Hello, I'm sorry you are so upset. You say your divorce was acrimonious and your daughter was influenced by your ex and his now wife/partner. Have you spoken all this over with your daughter?

You've been asked not to send gifts so I would stop spending them flowers

Smileless2012 Mon 30-Jan-23 19:27:27

Hels was told by her D that it was OK to send her GD cards and gifts Jane.

JaneJudge Mon 30-Jan-23 19:47:01

sorry blush that is completely my fault for not reading properly

Hels001 Tue 31-Jan-23 12:42:50

Hi JaneJudge when my daughter said she didn't want a relationship with me or me I her life I did try to talk to her about what had actually gone one and thinking back now I'd shielded her from alot but then bringing things up made me seem desperate since she had no recollection of some things the conversation turned into me begging and pleading which was when she said I could send cards and gifts for my granddaughter.
I'm not proud of myself or how I handled things but I honestly thought I had a chance of rebuilding our relationship and actually having some sort of relationship with my granddaughter I kept telling myself she's getting old enough to start asking about me and maybe wanting to contact me to say thank you for the gifts - how stupid I am she's no idea I exist. Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts gransnetters much appreciated. X

silverlining48 Tue 31-Jan-23 15:15:17

I am sorry Hels001. It is so cruel, look after yourself. Try not to dwell on this, it won't help you. Keep busy if you can. flowers

JaneJudge Wed 01-Feb-23 09:08:04

could you write her a simple letter? apologising and asking if you can move on from this? say you will not mention the past unless she wants to talk about it?

I can see you have your own pain to deal with and she has her own but what happened to you and her Father wasn;t to do with her.

Allsorts Thu 02-Feb-23 18:35:55

Hels, , I am so sorry, your d is unbearably cruel. I sent presents and money, found out when she was grown up, she never received any or the beautiful cards I sent,. It broke me because I constantly hoped things might get better, I prayed every night for all of them, constantly thought I must have caused it but didn’t know how. Hesitant to give advice, but I would just send cards and not presents, you don’t know if gd knows about the money or if the parents just spent it. The gap has been so long for me now that we can’t connect, they don’t know me or I them, I do know I am not unkind and could not have done what they did. Live a happy life, don’t waste your time as I did. The years go by and you just get older but nothing changes. Why would anyone reconnect with those that treat their own family so shabbily, the gd norm is just what she lives now. I believe in doing the right thing and if you’ve tried everything, you accept what is. The Serenity Prayer is my Mantra, it helps me a lot when I get down. Please be kind to yourself.

Moonwatcher1904 Fri 10-Feb-23 00:29:36

I certainly feel for you Hels001. I'm going through it with my own daughter. I have a post on this forum so you can see for yourself. I would be devastated at your daughter's actions too. I'm just glad there are no grandchildren involved with mine. Hugs to you. xx

Sallywally1 Sun 19-Mar-23 16:51:35

We used to send beautiful gifts to our estranged daughters sons, but I had a very cold message from her husband telling us to stop as they were only thrown away! I do still send birthday cards whatever he says.

I plan to see them when they are of an age to choose themselves, the eldest is already nearly nine. In the meantime I write letters, which I don’t send, and enjoy the beautiful grandchildren I am allowed to see. I tell myself that this too will pass, but I do understand the hurt involved. Take care.