I Don't Know What To Do

Thankyou BlueBelle, she is in touch with the mental health team here and trying to get an appointment to get assessed. It's a crazy situation as she can't get an assessment while she is working so she has lost her job and had to fill a form in for Universal Credit. She filled the form in while she was here but she had to put in about her ADHD but she was saying how can she confirm she has it before she's been assessed. I wish I could help her more especially financially but at least she is trying to get help one way or another.

I m glad you have some peace at last but your daughter still has an untreated mental health illness which will spring back and forwards, she may have ADHD as well, but she certainly sounds as if she cannot help her behaviour and it sounds as if she has complex mental health needs She needs assessing as soon as possible If you can afford it get private help as NHS waiting lists are long
Forget Dignatas that was said to shock and hurt

If she is using any drugs along with a mental health problem you will continue on this roundabout until she gets progressional help

A BIG UPDATE:

My daughter came this afternoon to pick up some post which she had redirected here. We hugged and sorrys were said and a long chat. She stayed for her tea and I feel so much better now I have seen her.

Withoutroots thankyou for your post. Yes you're right about feeling like I'm on the end of a piece of string. I suppose Smiles, biglouis and pascal are right. I think it a good idea to block her. As pascal says I know what I need to do. She is right I'm afraid of doing it for fear of losing her altogether. I appreciate all your inputs on this. Her sister has blocked her and her dad has gone so my DH keeps telling me to as well.

You do know what to do, you just don't want to do it...

I would not take the claims of Dignitas seriously as it costs about 10K at least and sounds to me like a money making machine. I do strongly agree with the right to end ones life. People who are really contemplating suicide dont go about blabbing about it to all and sundry because they dont want police and social services blundering in. They just quietly plan it.

Excellent advice from Withoutroots, I thought the same when I read your last post Moonwatcher.

'The only way to win the game is to stop playing'. As long as you continue to be available, to be your D's emotional punch bag, her treatment of you will continue.

If she's going to move again and possibly not tell you where she's going, why tell you in advance? Because she wants a reaction and she wants that reaction to show that you're hurt.

It wont be easy to remove yourself even temporarily, but doing so does seem to be the only option as things currently stand .

Moonwatcher I am so sorry that you’re still going through this. My comment is so so incredibly long, wow. My apologies for that, I don’t know what happened!

This is just my opinion but after reading your recent posting/comment I have to say that your daughter appears to enjoy keeping you at the end of her string, having the ability to yank on a string with you being tossed around at the other end. She also enjoys letting go of that string to let you feel the lack of her presence, wondering where she has gone. Once she feels you have suffered from her absence she then grabs that string and pulls, causing you to suddenly be yanked around like a rag doll.

This precarious position you are placed in is not healthy. You must remove this string from her grasp, you have to be unyankable. When she sends you a text she knows you are on the other end either weeping or desperately hoping for normalcy. I know it may be very hard but I don’t see any other way towards a solution, so I would suggest blocking your daughter on your phone for a period of time (a week, two weeks, maybe just three days) only after texting her to let her know that she can’t expect you to be there to chat after routinely berating you, and that you won’t stand for it anymore either. Then block her. You may be thinking “but what if she needs me?” You may also feel guilty for preventing her from contacting you. All that I understand, you obviously love her as she is your daughter. However, you can’t keep on like this any longer. She will survive despite not being able to text or phone you, she is an adult and certainly does not need to have a 24/7 open line of communication with her mother in order to stay alive. Plus you are not a doctor or a psychiatrist nor are you her doctor or her psychiatrist, those are who she should seek help from, not her mother in the form of some voodoo doll. And while she may make poor decisions but you couldn’t stop that anyhow. (I only say the above because I can imagine you or anyone really trying to convince themselves why temporarily preventing communication would be cruel, and wanted you to know that that is not so. Here it is necessary in order for your relationship to improve and heal.)

If the above of much to difficult to digest I just thought of something similar. And this really depends on what type of phone you have but you should silence your daughters calls and texts so that you do not receive a notification when she contacts you. Some phone types you can send someone’s texts to a separate folder, others you can only go to their contact and enable “hide notifications”. This is different from blocking in that the messages she sends won’t be deleted in their entirety. So with her notifications hidden, make the conscious choice to only check your messages from her one day of the week. Pick one day where you sit down and devote 10 minutes or so to reading and or listening to all the messages she has sent you in that given week, and then dedicate the next 5 minutes to crafting a single very short response to her messages, via text. Your message should avoid all of the details and drama that her texts and whatnot no doubt contained, keep it short and sweet. Something like “hello daughter, I’ve just got caught up on your messages. I’m so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I love you very much and hope you are well. - Mom”. Just something to let her know you are still there for her but on your terms only. Right now she has set all of the terms for your relationship with her, but now it’s time for you to take charge.

When you are no longer constantly available and willing to take her abuse, she may be forced to look at herself and see what she has done wrong. That will likely take a long time though so you mustn’t waiver. And when you no longer allow yourself to be on the receiving end of her wrath you will realize what it feels like to be a respected human again. Right now she gets to have her cake and eat it too. She gets to have her mother in her life while also blaming you and fighting with you for everything wrong in her life. Show her she can’t have it both ways, because no one should put up with this sort of treatment.

Please don’t allow yourself to be treated this way anymore. Just because she is going through a tough time does not mean you must also do the same, so please please please take care of yourself. Don’t wait any longer for her to change, take yourself out of the equation. Make sure you are doing some self care as well to keep you at your best.

She has text me a few times to say she won't bother me anymore then a few day later she sends another load of stuff about her dad and sister. Last night a text to tell me about a series on Amazon prime she'd watched and had I seen it. I said I hadn't seen it. I'm thinking perhaps she is coming round a bit and maybe sorry for things she's said. But no I was wrong because tonight she has said she's moving again and probably won't tell me where she is and for me to tell her sister that the solicitors for her dads will won't have her address anymore. I don't know where to go from here. I respond to her friendly texts in a positive way but then it comes back my way with a negative text.

She isn't coming here now. The message was supposed to go to someone else. She is still devastated with me she says. Even though I've said and done nothing wrong. Perhaps it's for the best as things are.

I would let her come, but make it clear you don't want to hear about her ADHD etc;

If she continues, I would get online, and book her into a local Premier Inn/Travel Lodge or something, so she's still local to pick her stuff up, and drop her off up there.

Then, I think you need to stand back. 💐

Hi Moonwatcher I can understand your husband's concerns but in the interests of keeping the door open so to speak, I think agreeing to her staying the night is the right decision.

If she starts to talk about the ADHD and doesn't refrain from doing so when asked then asking her to leave IMO would be appropriate.

I hope it doesn't come to that and goes well for you all .

Well that was short lived the message was supposed to go to someone else. Well at least she knows she can come here whenever.

Well the situation has changed somewhat. After more messages about ADHD she now wants to come over at weekend to sort her stuff out which is storage. She has asked if she can come and stay the night. I have told her yes she is welcome and always has been. My DH is not happy as he doesn't want to listen to her going on about the ADHD, her dad or her sister but has agreed so we can talk. He said if she starts he will ask her to leave.

She's 44 - she's not a child so needs to find a way through life without involving her mother. I'd step well back (as suggested already) as far as possible, disengage, ignore/delay a little - but still send birthday greetings etc.

She should know that you love her (whatever she does) - so do make sure that you tell her. I'd make a point, too, of letting her know that you are elderly now, needing a quiet life!

I think she has told them now.

It actually says that you need to tell the practise if you have a new address and they will decide if you can continue as a patient..

Sorry. Article

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/gps/how-to-register-with-a-gp-surgery/

pascal30

Her giving a false address to the GP practice is fraud and you are colluding with her..

This article states otherwise.

Her giving a false address to the GP practice is fraud and you are colluding with her..

Welbeck - she lives about an hour away from us so when she moved she gave her GP our address as she didn't want to move GP'S. Her sister and her still don't speak and D2 goes to their dads house every so often to pick up post and send it to her which D1 is accusing her of withholding it. D2 lives an hour away from here too. No-one is keeping post from her but D2 can't go every day just to check. She has now sent an email to the solicitors dealing with her dad's will to say not to contact her anymore. It's all such a mess.

Smiles - I am just trying to take a back seat as everyone has said. I know my DH is right. If she messages me I will be pleasant and polite and not get into any slanging matches as that would do no-one any good.

why is she using your address.
could you text her and ask, in order to ensure nothing arrives late in future, with the post being so bad now, would she permit you to open letters for her immediately, and photo them and send to her mobile/email.
so she has the information asap.
keep away from personal or contentious matters.
just try to be respectful and helpful.

Your husband is right Moonwatcher. I understand that this is very difficult but you and your husband need to step back from this.

Unless you need to respond I would avoid doing so.

An update on the situation. She has been bombarding my hubby about her ADHD and letters being late arriving to her for appointments. He tried to tell her that we send anything to her straightaway that arrives here. Anyway a letter arrived here today and I messaged her myself so she said she'd already received a copy of it. She asked me if I wanted to go to see the psychiatrist with her to prove me wrong. I have never said I didn't believe she had it. My hubby said it wouldn't be a good idea because she will only start on me and I'd end up upset. The latest message from her says.....I didn't think. Perish the thought you could be wrong. I wouldn't want to be either if I was you......

She keeps saying she won't bother me anymore but she won't let go either. I don't know where I am with all this.

I'm sorry that you went through that biglouis. You are right about remembering things. My D1 seems to have forgotten that birthdays, Easter and Christmas were times full of love and gifts. The times we have moved her from place to place. Driving for an hour to pick her up and driving back to take her to hospital in pain all on a cold, frosty and foggy night. All the money we have lent her and stuff we have bought or given her. I hope you are ok now. xx