I Don't Know What To Do

After my father died my mother and sister both refused to admit that he had beat me and told me it was "all in my imagination".

Subsequently I was talking to an old school friend and mentioned this. She told me "Well I can remember you coming to our house when you had been crying and there were huge bruises on your arms where you could see finger marks. That wasn't in MY imagination."

We only remember the things we want to remember.

Thankyou Smiles and Pascal. I never see any of my own family only D2 which consist of 2 nephews and a niece. We have a small studio flat facing the sea and have been here 31 years but because of my DH health and my own health have not been able to do a lot of work and decorating for several years. Now we need a lot of work doing and my DH family are going to arrange to get all the work done. What a lovely family we have found and have told me to ring them any time I need to.

you are being manipulated, and this will continue unless you learn to emotionally detach yourself and stand back...

Yes Moonwatcher you need to learn to not engage with your D when she's being argumentative and/or confrontational.

I'm sorry that your s.i.l. has a D with mental health problems and I hope you all found it cathartic sharing with one another and realising that there are problems in other families too. Her strategy of ending a conversation that becomes problematic is a good one.

When we encounter problems within our own family, we assume that no one else is, that we are alone. It makes it difficult to talk about it as we fear being judged, and sadly sometimes we are but what really matters is knowing that you are not alone.

There's no such thing as a perfect family.

I have never told her that I didn't believe her just she needed to get a proper diagnosis.
She went to see a friend yesterday to celebrate her friends daughter's birthday and sent loads of pictures of the day.
This morning another text to say she had lunch at one pub and dinner at another and a long talk with her friend. The friend had said to her f**k proving me wrong and what difference will it make to stupid people. I haven't replied to this.
We went to a family dinner yesterday with my hubby's brother and 3 sisters (birth family) who we found 5 years ago. I didn't want to say anything about all this with my daughter but ended up having a big conversation about it all. I always thought that all was great with them and their grown up children but I was sad to find that they were all having big problems with them. We all poured our problems out with each other which was hopefully a great help to us all. One of my sister in law's has a daughter who has mental health problems similar to my daughter and says she has to tread on eggshells when they speak. If her daughter rings her and the conversation turns she just says goodbye to her and puts the phone down. I will have to learn to be able to do this.

Moonwatcher as your child told you, per your post, she has ADHD - why not just believe her, you've no need to control her thoughts, do you?

Let it go. Give her time to work out her problems.

Not responding is the right approach Moonwatcher, your H is right in that doing so will only inflame her.

When it comes to what she's saying about her childhood, you're between a rock and a hard place as you're not able to have a calm conversation with her about this and until you can, there's no way forward.

Smileless: I have not replied to her messages. My hubby who has also received the same messages hasn't either. He says it will only inflame her if we do so it's best to leave it.
Violet: I have read much stuff on the subject of ADHD and yes she has a lot of the symptoms but what makes it harder is all the things she is saying to me about her childhood. Both her and her sibling were treated equally and had all that they wanted. I hope she gets the help she needs even though she says it's too late.

www.adhdcentre.co.uk/adult-adhd-what-is-it-exactly/

Moon

Have you looked into understanding ADHD? There are free courses you can do.

Living with ADHD can be tricky and it really helps if people close are understanding. It's a condition of opposites, they can be completely overwhelmed and shut down or hyperfocused on one topic. So perhaps not engaging her with things you disagree with is best until she has her diagnosis and is able to find help and coping skills.

When it comes to other conversations it may be best to wait until she is ready. I know that is hard but she has nit had any help to deal with this and has become an adult who will find it harder ro learn coping strategies right now

You must try and step back from this Moonwatcher; nothing you do or say is going to change your D's perspective.

There's nothing to be gained for either of you if you apologise for everything, regardless of whether or not you have anything to apologise for.

You need at some point to be able to have a meaningful and rational conversation with her but there's nothing you can but wait, until she's willing and able to agree .

It's 3 weeks since I last heard from her. This morning the texts about ADHD and how cannabis affects the brain has started again. Along with those are references to her sleep walking as a child which I cannot remember and other things. The brain scan she is paying to have, she says, will prove that weed doesn't affect you like she thinks I am saying it does. If I apologise for everything she won't accept it. It hurts so much because I can't remember the stuff she is saying about her childhood and for all the years since we have had quite a good relationship. I don't know where to go from here.

It's maybe a good thing that you haven't heard from her for a few days Moonwatcher as this can help you to take a step back and focus on taking care of yourself.

I haven't heard from her now for a few days although she texted my hubby to say she has returned the money. She didn't seem to have a problem with him and said he was indifferent to it all.
I have started reading Done with Crying by Sheri McGregor which was recommended in another post. It's very moving.

Moonwatcher, you can but try. Ring the doctor be open with them. I really feel for you, no one unless they have experienced it, knows how bad it is trying to have a relationship and help people with mental health difficulties, they call the tune. If possible try to protect yourself from all this negativity and drama, you do your best and then really we have no control. There are helplines that people experienced and will listen, they’ve heard it all before and are very helpful and understanding.💐

i think you have to go LC now.
and see your doc. you need support. all the best.

I fear it will be a long road, but you could read up on BPD and then when she presents with these symptoms you will know it is her illness and maybe either avoid contact and/or don't take what she is saying personally. it is the illness not you.
I wish you well, it's not easy

I know she is trying to get assessed to get a diagnosis. As with everything it takes time. I will have to leave her to sort it out and hope she gets the result and treatment. I fear it will be a long road.

As a former RMN I think that the symptoms you describe are in line with BPD and probably the best thing DD can do is to have a MH assessment.. I feel for you but you shouldn't have to be terrorised like this. Let a MH team help her. If it is at all possible to pursuade her to ask for help.

So very sorry Moonwalker. It’s been a dreadful week for you.
Try to keep busy doing something which occupies you if only some of the time. .-

Thankyou Pascal and Dianne. It's hard to take a step back when it's your child (as old as she is) but you are right. I can't stop thinking about her and endless scenarios though. It's heartbreaking to have a good relationship and suddenly receive the most horrendous tirade of abuse in the space of a week.

My youngest Son has ADHD and has problems with keeping a job for more than a year. Sometimes, it's his choice to leave, Sometimes, he is sacked. ADHD definitely impacts jobs. As others have said her anxiety and depression needs to be addressed. They are frequently present in people with ADHD. Hope you can get some relief from the situation. A step back will put you somewhat a distance from her situation. hugs

I fully agree with Dogsbody and think you should completely disengage. If she has said to you that she will medical reports that implies that she is able to do that. Let her take responsibility for sorting herself out.. and keep your distance, block your phone

wellbeck I sent this just after midnight....Thinking of you especially on your birthday.. with love Mum ❤️
This morning I've had a torrent of abuse. I gave her money for her birthday a few weeks ago then some more as she needed it for bills. Now she is saying she is giving it me back as she has accused me of calling her a junkie and spending the money on weed. I've never said anything like this but only mentioned to her that I thought she should try not to smoke it. I don't think there is any hope of going back on all this.

all the best, Moon.
we'll be thinking of you too.