Nail in the Coffin

Backstory

www.gransnet.com/forums/estrangement/1316759-Estrangement-sucks

It's a wind up as the name implies,
Fishing?

I can’t believe this, surely no one can be so unfeeling.

What a sad story - I remember the "back story" now.

As parents, we really need to accept the partners our ACs have chosen. Unless there's some sort of abuse, or they really are causing aggravation, then, whatever we might think at times, we have to suck it up.

I'm lucky - I get on with both of my in-laws, but it has taken some adjustments and biting of tongues at times!😷

If they are happy, and the children are happy, then that's all it needs to be.

It's sad that your wife can't see that. But, you've made your choices and I wish you well. 💐

I wonder what has happened 6 months on. Did he take all the good advice. Such a sad story.
Situations like this do make you look closely and think about your own behaviour over your life.

Gransnet does make you reflect on life.

Your life your choice but sometimes we just need to accept our lives and if this is what you’ve chosen good luck.

So DIL has been really kind and tried to open some narrative by sending you family pics to make you feel included (an olive branch if you like) and you are annoyed because she is in some of the pics and your son looks happy? I'm sorry but you sound unreasonable in this scenario.

Your son is never going to choose his parents over his own wife and children - it just won't happen. He's not a child anymore, he's a grown adult. They have their own lives now that do not necessarily include yourself or your wife.

They have their own home to run, their own lives to lead and their own children to raise. All decisions to do with anything in their lives is entirely their decision (particularly when it comes to their children) and that should be respected, not challenged. When he chose his partner and chose to have a family with her then they became his first priority and rightly so. It sounds like he is advocating for his wife and family. Congratulations you have clearly raised a good man.

I'm curious to know the reasons behind this distancing from their family ...

It's just so terribly sad. We may not be best buddies with our kids' partners - but, still, we really appreciate that somebody loves and cares for them, puts up with them and makes them happy. That's how I feel.

I accept family members, faults and all (being far from perfect myself) and really value the time spent with them - and my precious grandchildren.

How awful to lose all that!

BlueBelle

I m really sorry, as your support for your wife shines through but she is the one causing all this trouble and that’s going to be really hard for you to read
You saw the photos recognised that they looked happy and that was enough for you, you were prepared to text back your thanks with a simple message, but your wife overrode that and had to put the boot in and you did as she bade. She is the one causing all this trouble and unfortunately I think your son and daughter in law have made the right decision

Your wife obviously needs professional help and I m sure you do too to help you know how to stand up to her without feeling cruel
Good luck sometimes tough love is the best in the long run

Truly excellent advice bluebelle

If it’s all true and I’m not sure then poor son and DIL.

MercuryQueen

Well. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Your DIL, despite your declared hatred of you, made the effort to bring the children to visit, which you then refused. She sent pics, but you’re angry that she was in them. How dare she not pretend not to exist in her own family photos!

Seriously? You and your wife are holding this poor woman responsible for your son’s decisions and your loss of control over his life. None of the reasons you gave for your hatred are even about her! They’re all based on what you and your wife had decreed what your son’s future would be.

You burned the last remaining bridge. Hopefully your pride comforts you in the years to come, because it seems as though it’s all you’re going to be left with, due to your own choices and behaviour. Yes, your wife has equal responsibility, but you chose to follow her lead.

Sums it up so well.

It's an odd person that bites the outstretched olive branch, my opinion. I suspect, OP, by your own actions you're well and truly cut-off from you son, GC and dreaded, albeit sweet and kind DIL.

Well. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Your DIL, despite your declared hatred of you, made the effort to bring the children to visit, which you then refused. She sent pics, but you’re angry that she was in them. How dare she not pretend not to exist in her own family photos!

Seriously? You and your wife are holding this poor woman responsible for your son’s decisions and your loss of control over his life. None of the reasons you gave for your hatred are even about her! They’re all based on what you and your wife had decreed what your son’s future would be.

You burned the last remaining bridge. Hopefully your pride comforts you in the years to come, because it seems as though it’s all you’re going to be left with, due to your own choices and behaviour. Yes, your wife has equal responsibility, but you chose to follow her lead.

Your wife needs some ( a lot of) therapy by the sound of it.

And maybe you could do with some support too, to find your way through this difficulty that she has created.

As many have already said why lose your relationship with your son because of your wife.

She sounds bitter and unforgiving and incredibly selfish. I wonder what happened in her past(childhood?) to make her this way?
Her son has a wife that loves him and someone he loves...she should be over the moon, despite what she thinks of his choice.

I didn't particularly like my son in law but I was always polite and welcoming and included him in all our events... not for my sake but for that of my daughter and granddaughter. I was able to put myself aside for the sake of my child, who I love. They are no longer together but even now I don't trash her previous choice but support her in her new decisions.

They say the parent is as happy as the child... so true. You must be really suffering.

I just can't help thinking that after the telling off on the last thread, that this is a cry for help

Is OP trying to convince us this is right or himself?

It's not too late

Mum didn't get what she wanted but it's not too late to see that what parents should want for their children is happiness

lyleLyle

www.gransnet.com/forums/estrangement/1316759-Estrangement-sucks?login=complete

Thank you!

www.gransnet.com/forums/estrangement/1316759-Estrangement-sucks?login=complete

Can anyone link the previous post?

I can’t find it, but seems like it would be helpful to read as my advice to the OP may well change.

Delia I hope so too

So the situation now is that the OP is vacillating, the wife has insisted on no contact with DIL, & the son has forbidden DIL to contact his parents again

I am sorry that you and your wife find yourselves in this situation. However I do feel that, on the face of it with the facts you give in your OP, you both bear at least some responsibility for the problem, (I dont know the background other than not liking the DiL that originally created this situation) and that continues now when your DIL appears to be reaching out. I can understand why your son feels now as he does when his wife's attempt at a rapprochement is so roundly kicked back. I suggest both you and your wife would benefit from counselling to come to terms with the sad situation in which you find yourselves.

Sometimes you have no alternative but to accept the consequences of your actions, so consider very carefully your next actions OP, try to get appropriate outside help, and hope it’s not too late.

Having now read the OP’s earlier post the situation isn’t as clear-cut as it appears in this, his current post, in that the decision to estrange the son was originally made a long time ago by the OP.

Now the OP’s wife is insisting on no contact with their DIL only. The DIL has tried to keep the doors of communication open by sending family photos.

So the situation now is that the OP is vacillating, the wife has insisted on no contact with DIL, & the son has forbidden DIL to contact his parents again.

So bizarre that the OP has not responded.

Oh, I think it is true Allsorts, I had an aunt like this poster's wife; she had to control her children, forced out any potential partners they had which she didn't like, and decades later one adult child and his family have been estranged for years, one lives abroad and has said it was partly due to wanting to get away from his Mother, and one adult daughter who wouldn't get her children dressed in the morning without her Mother's input.. She plotted and manipulated. My uncle did his best, but ultimately as her enabler, he too paid the price. When she died, several of the estranged grandchildren got in touch, and spent time with their grandad. These people exist, and their family and spouses allow them to do what they do.

I can’t believe this post, it’s either a hoax or the grandparents have mental health issues. Dil sound nice despite her being treated so cruelly by in laws. The couple are better off without them, how could anyone treat grandchildren so badly?

lyleLyle

The OP is an adult who is responsible for his own choices. I’m failing to see what is sympathetic about him and his wife being cold-hearted, mean people to their own son and his family. I cannot imagine treating my own offspring this way. And all because he made his own choices in life. It’s horrific. The son didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t ask to have hateful parents. He has children whom he will eventually have to explain to why his mother is so hateful that he needed to cut her out. And he has a father who failed him year after year. This is sad. What kind of love could they have possibly had for their own son if they would rather he be unhappy but doing what they want? What kind of love would see a parent discard their own grandchildren because they hated their grandchildren’s loving mother? That’s not love. That is hatred wrapped in mental illness. This poor young man is being a great Shepard to his family by keeping his toxic mother away. If the OP’s love for his son is so expendable, why should anyone feel sorry for him?

Agreed.