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Lost and Hurt by abusive Daughter.

(26 Posts)
Nana5150 Wed 03-May-23 17:29:23

Where do I start with all this it could get to be a long post I'll try and keep it short.

Our DD has aways broke my heart in the way she behaves but equally can be the most loving and amazing human being you could ever meet. Now at 32 she's just getting worse and never ever takes responsibility or is sorry for what she does.

We had a residence for our Grandaughter when she was born and played a very active role in her upbringing at times our daughter being very jealous over our relationship. Our GD is now 10 next month and has been torn from us not for the 1st time but for the final time.

Long story short, before covid she reconciled with her brother and they had a great relationship with his long standing girlfriend and my 2 grandsons. My son didn’t like the way a friend was treating his girlfriend and said she wasn’t welcome around his sons. This wasn’t aimed at our DD but she got involved and put a massive wedge between them and her and our GD to the point she verbally attacked our GS.
Over Christmas/NY 2021 she tried to stop us from seeing out GD and at one point made her facetime us to say goodbye, we were heart broken she was only 8.
Every time we do anything she will flare up and we get nasty text messages and regularly disowned as her parents because she cant get her own way. this is aimed at anyone we are close with but a few times our daughter in-law.
This latest time and the worst she has ever been the words I cant repeat they were that bad. We went for a girls night out on the Friday and all had a great time, then mid week it all went wrong, I was told I was being manipulated and the night out proved it as our DD wasn’t allowed anywhere near me all night and she was very upset. This was followed the next day stating our DD needed to borrow a car but needed a big one !! not even asked if it was OK. I'd already promised it to our DS as there's was off the road. I didn't even say no, just its not fair to ask as id already promised it. Our DD became vile towards our DIL calling her some really nasty things through a number of messages and stating that she wasn't to be around our GD, she see's her every week and loves her. I said I wasn't being blackmailed and no I wasn’t prepared to do that. She’s tried it before but never carried it through.

A day or 2 later we got a message saying her car was broke and didn't know what to do and that our GD wanted to see us but didn't want to see our DIL(Who She Adores) . We messaged to say we would collect her from school and see her for tea so that nobody was upset and put in bad situations. We then got a distressed call from our GD asking why she couldn't stop over night, i tried to explain that I was really sorry but couldn't be blackmailed and before I had chance to say anymore or DD starting shouting down the phone and being abusive I was forced to hang up.
Nobody has responded to any messages but things then escalated and she decided our DIL was seeing somebody else and that our DS should be told, she tried to tell him direct but he took no notice, this followed by a post on facebook. It was only a message wishing a chap well !!!. The post on facebook contained abuse towards me as well. All I’ve ever done is to try and love and support all of our children, and did everything by the book as a parent, never did anything wrong. I also received some very vile text messages saying I no longer had a Daughter or Grandaughter and neither of them ever wanted to see me again plus some other very vile words.
I've took the steps to place a report to the police and also Social Services as they have been involved on and off. Plus talking to solicitors to gain access and make sure we have parental responsibility. Non of this our DD knows yet.
Ive had another message this afternoon which I cant read in full but the start was you've made your choice, and that they are both doing well on their own. Our GD is heart broken she's been seen in tears and our DD will be telling her how she should be feeling towards me and her Aunty. Its hard to explain but she’s very controlling.
Outside of this latest incident our DD is very controlling towards our GD and can bellow at her for very simple things. Her neighbours have reported her to social services who took no further action and I believed it when our DD said they were lying which I’m not sure about now. She also smokes a lot of weed, sniffs coke and never pays bills, is driving around in a car with No MOT, Tax or insurance.
She’s been in a number of abusive relationships and we are fearful of her. I hate messages coming in on my phone just in case its her but cant block in case or GD needs us. I’m at a loss what I should do. Do I continue to press charges and go to court and air all the things we know about what she’s doing and done or sit back and wait till it all falls apart for her. I want to send our GD a card and cushion so she knows we are still around but am scared I’ll be abused, how dare I, equally we’ve not seen her for weeks and have had no contact so she’ll be feeling deserted ☹. I’m so lost and broken over all this with no way out as if I give in now there will be a next time.
I’ve got little support and no answers and I really don’t think there are any if I’m honest. I'm scared if I go to court we will lose them both forever.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 03-May-23 17:46:12

This sounds very familiar. Have you posted about it previously?

Hithere Wed 03-May-23 18:06:56

Same here

Nana5150 Wed 03-May-23 18:07:11

Hi last week but couldn't find it so assumed i'd not posted it correctly

BlueBelle Wed 03-May-23 18:07:45

Is this a duplicate thread ?
I ve read this story before I m sure

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 03-May-23 19:20:53

Did you post with a different name? Your name isn’t familiar but the story is.

Marydoll Wed 03-May-23 19:30:44

I thought this was a thread I had previously read, then realised it was dated today.

VioletSky Wed 03-May-23 19:35:21

The first thread was deleted

It had a screenshot with the OPs daughters full name in it

Marydoll Wed 03-May-23 19:37:07

That explains it. Thanks.

Caramme Wed 03-May-23 19:39:26

This is all too much. There is needing advice and then there is auditioning for Jeremy Kyle. I am exhausted reading it.

VioletSky Wed 03-May-23 19:42:20

Something about sharing your own child's full contactable name on a public forum makes me deeply uncomfortable

This all sounds like an awful mess and I wouldn't know where to start at the moment

choughdancer Wed 03-May-23 19:54:52

Nana5150 this sounds like a very upsetting time for you at the moment. I can't offer advice, but I think, if your post is genuine, that the many kind, caring and knowledgeable Gransnetters will be able to.

Wishing you well flowers

crazyH Wed 03-May-23 20:10:04

Nana5150 - I remember reading this…. so upsetting for you. I have 3 children and have had issues with 2 of them at one time or another. All’s quiet on the western front at the moment. So all that I can say to you is, this too shall pass. flowers

MerylStreep Wed 03-May-23 20:21:41


This is all too much. There is needing advice and then there is auditioning for Jeremy Kyle. I am exhausted reading it.

All I can say to your post is: you’re very lucky that you don’t have to have dealings with people like the daughter.

I understand why you don’t want to go through SS.
I’m assuming that you granddaughters school is aware of the situation. The school will have access to many agencies that you could access help from. That would be my first port of call.
I know it’s sad and upsetting but you’d be surprised how resilient young children are.

Blossoming Wed 03-May-23 20:36:08

I can’t really offer any advice Nana5150 but hang on in there and I hope better times are ahead.

Hetty58 Wed 03-May-23 22:24:44

Nana5150, I agree with MerylStreep about contacting the school - and Social Services too, as your daughter appears to be suffering from mental illness.

I'm worried about the driving with no MOT, tax or insurance. I'd feel obliged to report it, for safety's sake.

Wyllow3 Wed 03-May-23 22:38:50

I agree with Hetty. And ask SSD advice about the driving. I'd not want to make that decision on my own, ie contacting police.

Nana5150 I'd also start recording any contact you have - including with GD messages, (screen shots) phone calls, (get the app) everything. It sounds like DD needs treatment, and may not recognise this.

joycerousselot123 Wed 03-May-23 22:50:22

From the bottom of my heart, I hope you can find a path through this jungle. I don't know which country you are in so no idea about laws and such. Is there any legal provision giving grandparents rights to access grandkids where you are? I would definitely report the car papers because that's concerning the child's safety.

Nana5150 Thu 04-May-23 09:22:04

Thank you all for your responses, I've been in contact with SS and as my DD isn't physical atm she manages to side step them being involved and hasn't engaged with families support. I've got to the point this time that we have involved the police which has triggered external referrals to SS and and taking legal action for access. Its all very hard to deal with as we've done everything in our power over the years to help and support our DD to have it thrown back at us. I've had conflicting advice what we have to do and how. A solicitor I spoke to yesterday suggested full custody which will be heartbreaking.

It may seem that we should be part of Jeremy Kyle which again is heartbreaking, but I've always avoided conflict, never been in any kind of trouble, never took any drugs and I work very hard. We have 5 children which have been bought up the same and the other 4 lead normal lives (if there is a normal).

lyleLyle Thu 04-May-23 11:34:56

So I will say it again…

Nearly the entirety of your post focuses on your daughter and DIL’s relationship and how upset you are that your DIL doesn’t have access to the child, which is frankly not your business to decide. You go on and on about how these 3 adults (son/daughter/DIL) cannot manage their relationship, which isn’t truly your business, and then very conveniently sprinkle in tidbits about hardcore drug use, which warranted less than 3 sentences of your post. Hmmm….

I’m curious as to why a mother of a hardcore drug abuser would write more about how her DIL cannot see her grandchild than she would about her concern for getting her own flesh and blood into rehab. What attempts have been made on your part to help with the drug problem? Or is this what you want to throw out there in hopes that it may possibly be true and you can take her child? Because that’s really want you want…for yourself. You want to take the child and somehow you think the basis of your case is some irrelevant bickering between your grown son and daughter.

I don’t know many mothers who would write “she’s been abusive relationships before and we are fearful of her”. You are not fearful FOR her, though?? Why would you be more concerned for yourself here and not her or the grandchild? I have to confess, as a mother and gran I have a hard time relating to your priorities here.

The daughter may indeed be unwell mentally but your post makes me feel like she has a reasonable right to be suspicious of you. Most of your post is supposition about what you think is going on in the child’s head for missing “Aunty and grandmother”. You told the child “I will not be blackmailed”. That is no different that your daughter inappropriately putting the child in your family dysfunction. She isn’t the only one in your family failing the little girl. Trying to steal her away from her mother isn’t putting her first.

You’ll get plenty of what you seek, which is sympathy and everyone hanging on to your words about your daughter. But this poster is going to be honest with you. I do not get the impression of the benevolent granny here. I see a young woman who is likely troubled with mental health issues and a grabby granny bent on getting revenge on her daughter for distress she has caused. Step carefully in your plot. You may be getting reassurance here, but if your intentions are as self serving as they appear in your OP, this will not end as well for you as you think.

lyleLyle Thu 04-May-23 11:43:05

To add, if you think receiving unpleasant texts is a basis to take someone’s child, you are more vengeful than loving and therefore not the right person to raise the child. Seems like so far all authority figures have decided against your view on the child being in danger. What proof do you have of the allegations you keep making? If multiple authorities don’t believe you, why should your word be gold?

nanna8 Thu 04-May-23 11:54:00

I think this is not the right place to air all this stuff. Professional help would be better for all of you.

NanaDana Thu 04-May-23 12:10:13

Far too complex a situation to be seeking advice about from social media. No-one here is in a position to offer appropriate help, particularly as this is only one side of the story. It also appears to be a developing scenario, in which they "have involved the police which has triggered external referrals to SS and taking legal action for access." That's the way we should leave it.. well alone.. IMHO.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 04-May-23 12:30:17


Smileless2012 Thu 04-May-23 17:16:58

A very difficult, stressful and painful situation Nanaflowers.

It looks as if you've had contact with professionals in SS, the police and a solicitor so I hope that the information they've given will enable you to make a decision about the way forward, and if you remain unsure perhaps contacting one or all of the aforementioned may be the way help to clarify.