Need some advice and guidance

I didn't have much to do with my grandparents. One set were already dead long before I was born, the others we visited (as a family) occasionally. That grandmother died when I was five, the grandfather when I was a teenager.

My children - pretty much the same. One grandfather already dead, the grandmother in her eighties. Yes, sometimes we'd visit - or collect her to come for dinner. My father was around but not overly interested in his grandchildren. My mother was mentally ill - so I had to protect them from her and limit contact.

By contrast, though, I've had a lot of time with my own grandchildren - some more than others - and ours is, indeed, a special, loving relationship.

Thank you Delila. It really is a horrible position to be in when you love the people involved.

What a terribly difficult situation Smileless. Sometimes, whatever you do, you never feel it’s enough, because you’re a caring person.

And sadly sometimes those things happen despite the involvement of SS.

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with that VioletSky.

The right thing is the right thing. This scenario pops up for me often working at a large academy school I am local too

But doing nothing is never the right answer because we never really know what the real situation for a child is and children die or suffer for life in neglectful or abusive households

Yes I know but I paid a heavy price, and thinking that she may have thought I no longer cared enough even to send her cards broke my heart.

Smileless

You did the absolute right thing

She probably thought I didn't care about her, but nothing could have been further from the truth.

Yes with my mum VS. She had mental health problems and after my brother moved in with her, her living conditions deteriorated to the extent that he wouldn't let me in the house.

He was out one evening and one of mum's neighbours contacted me saying she was extremely distressed so I went through. I hadn't seen her for about 2.5 years and the house was filthy and mum very unkempt. It was a terrible shock and extremely distressing.

I managed to track my brother down and when he knew I was there he was furious. I knew if I contacted adult SS's that would probably be the end of our relationship but felt I had no choice.

He never spoke to me again and from what one of his friend's told me, he never passed on cards I sent mum for her birthday, mother's day and Christmas.

She died in 2021. She'd been in hospital for 3 days and I never knew. My cousin 'phoned me at 8.30 am to tell me he'd asked her to tell me mum had died, there was no money for a funeral and if we didn't pay he'd have to contact SS.

We paid of course. He didn't attend and we haven't spoken since that night.

You've had experience of this Smileless?

As I said VS, it's not that easy when you're the one directly involved.

No one's said that children always suffer if separated from their GP's lyleLyle but it stands to reason that some will, especially where GP's have given years of childcare.

We've had posts here on GN from adults who were not allowed to see GP's resulting in all contact being lost and say how this still saddens them.

It also works the other way, that some parents may use the idea that their children wont miss their GP's in order to comfort themselves.

Not reporting known concerns to the authorities is actually negligence

She's been estranged from her D for 4 years so she's unlikely to be able help and support her directly.

I'm sure the OP is as aware as we are of SS success stories but it's not that easy when it's your GD and you believe rightly or wrongly that if you contact them, all contact with your GD will be lost.

The OP is one side of the story. Her daughter I’m sure has another. Whether or not anyone on this site thinks the daughter is doing the right thing here is irrelevant. We’re strangers who don’t know that woman or her child. Never spoke a word to them, so it matters not. As I said, social services can determine the danger here. The involvement by the OP with the granddaughter is currently not being received well, and that’s about the only objective point that can be made. So she needs to back off a bit.

And no, as much as many grans love to use the idea to comfort themselves, the children are not always suffering with these separations. That generalization cannot be made, least of all in cases where you don’t know the parties involved from a hole in the wall.

Then OP needs reassurance it is the right thing to do Smileless if the situation is as she describes

The other option is to do nothing about it because OP does not have a healthy relationship with the daughter and believes the relationship beyond repair so cannot get her daughter any help and support directly.

There are many many success stories of SS and other organisations working together to safeguard children and the good far outweighs the bad

The OP's reluctance to contact SS is understandable bearing in mind their lack of response to another family's situation she referred too earlier.

Her D has already told her GD that if she's mean to her, she wont be involved in their lives so lily's really between a rock and a hard place. Wanting to protect her GD and to not want to be in a position where she can't even see her and at least provide her with somewhere safe and secure some of the time.

It's always the children who suffer the most.

I think it's best for SS to make that judgement.

We all have the power and actually the obligation to report concerns though

I agree lyleLyle but from the information given by the OP I don't agree that her GD's mother is doing what's best for her or her child.

Life isn’t easy. People still have a right to choose what’s best for them and their children.

Smileless2012

Has anyone said it isn't OK VS?

I can't see any benefit to a back and forth with you

Yes people have the right to make choices for their lives, but it doesn't make it any easier when they make choices that do them and others harm.

I can see that my post doesn't change your point of view lyleLyle but it is after all just your point of view, and mine is mine.

Smileless2012

Indeed. ^Respect, healthy boundaries, open communication and two way accountability are so important and even with all of them in place, relationships can and do fall apart.

Then they were likely meant to. People have a right to make choices for their lives.