Need some advice and guidance

Hello lily there's a lotto digest on your OP and I'm left wondering if your GD has said these things to her mum or if your D is making it up.

Is she taking what's said and twisting it to suit her own agenda.

It does sound as if over the years you've been a constant support for your GD, so it would be a great shame if you were to stop her coming for sleepovers and if she's happy to come, it does put a question mark over what your D claims she's been saying.

In your position I wouldn't ask your GD about her mother's claims, I wouldn't mention them at all. She may not be aware of what her mother's said but if she is, and her mother's been lying, she may well at some point raise the matter herself.

Regular contact with your GD, especially with such a difficult home life, is so important and regardless of what she may have said to her mother, she needs the love and stability you give her.

Thanks so much for the response. Of course it crossed my mind that my Dtr is making a lot of this up but it seems to be some grain of truth.

My Daughter tells a lot of lies and is quite often deceptive in the first instance .
child told me she was living on bagels at school because her Mother won’t put money on her card and all I said was it’s too many carbs, you need some protein!! I can see how the child could misinterpret that if I say it too much. For me it was an innocent comment, nothing I wouldn’t normally say.
I go out of my way to feed her , roast a chicken every week and veg and bake home made cakes I truly didn’t see myself the way I am being described. I haven’t changed.

What worried me is that the child said things about me. Did my saying I was angry with her Mother for not returning from holiday (Really who does that? ) turn her against me?

Is she punishing me for setting boundaries?

I said No to the child twice last refusing to let her eat the decorations for the cakes I baked.
She wanted that chocolate and I felt it was a push so I had to say no. There was other chocolate and it was bought for the cakes

Asked her to think about a cut off time for internet as she’s in it 16 hrs a day when here and we’re not interacting.
I am calm and patient but she was sulky in the car. I put it down to hormones and an internet addiction I am pretty sure is brewing.

Apparently there was no snacks, no sweets and the child stayed in her room to avoid talking about food. She got a piece of bread for brunch and a salad for dinner. She got a home made bagett, selection of cheeses and cherry jam, roast chicken fresh from the oven and a huge salad
I cook everything from scratch and spend a fortune on the child.

I said In my one response to the reams of abuse email why did she not just go home then and not choose to stay an extra day if she was avoiding me?

I am Keeping quiet but preparing to be shut out. If I won’t babysit and do exactly as I am told I may be surplus to requirements

Op,

All i can say now is that your posts seem unnaturally centered around food - how her mother doesnt do as well as you are because she doesnt spend a fortune and cooks from scratch like you do

There are other issues too but without coffee, this is all that stood out to me now

Poor child

Often with lies there is a kernel of truth for example you talked to your GD about food but not in the way your D has accused you of. It makes it very difficult for the one being 'accused' because you start questioning what you actually did do or say.

The amount of time youngsters spend on the internet is a real bug bear for parents and GP's and you did nothing wrong. Try not to overthink this, and worry that it may be becoming and addiction. You're probably worried because of your D's alcohol consumption.

I understand you worrying about being shut out altogether, which is why it's important to make the time your GD stays with you as pleasant an possible. She's 11 and because of the relationship you've built with her, mum may not find it as easy as she thinks to keep you apart if that's not what your GD wants.

When sh's with you, just tell her food wise what's on offer and let her make her own choices, something you're probably doing anyway.

With regard to being on line, maybe take an interest. Is she playing games for example and if so, would she let you watch and maybe join in.

Could you ask her not to be on line in the privacy of her bedroom because you're concerned about her online safety? I still feel that this is coming from your D and not because of what your GD has said.

why did she not just go home then and not to choose to to stay an extra day if she was avoiding me exactly lily makes no sense and when things don't make sense, it's more often than not because they aren't true. .

poor child indeed. Strange that you've picked up on the OP's reference to food Hithere.

What about excessive drinking; parties affecting the child's sleep; mistreatment in terms of isolation, controlling and punishing behaviour; berating messages and leaving an 11 year old alone in the house while mum goes out for the evening?

lily09, please get help got your GD. There is so much to digest in to your post , I am not qualified to offer advice but I do recognize that the most vulnerable person in this mess is your GD. Speak to SS . Good luck 🍀

Don't delay!

Op

If her mother is as bad as you describe her, why haven't you called social services yet?

Your gd deserves a chance, not a civil war between her mother and gm

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes the post is all about food because the complaint is all about food.

The reason I have not called in SS is complex. Firstly the child swore me to secrecy as she confided in me. She had me as a safety valve and knew I could be there to get her should she need me. A family she goes to school with were under SS scrutiny. The Mother was an alcoholic and the Father who is a heroin addict beat the Mother in front of the children who then became violent at school. The SS did nothing. As hard as it was I felt that involvement of them would further isolate the child. Potentially she could be alone with her Mother knowing she had told me everything and forbidden to see me again. The child has always been my focus and as dysfunctional as my relationship with her mother is our relationship has always been healthy.

No easy way through this. I am very grateful just to let it out. Thanks

The complaint may be about food but it is hiding much bigger issues

Your house is on fire and you worry about the curtains

I wish you luck

I know it’s not about food.
It was never about the food.

You're clearly between a rock and a hard place lily and having read your last post, I fully understand why you're reluctant to involve SS which is why I think it's imperative to keep your relationship going with your GD, and to spend as much time with her as possible.

lily referred to the much bigger issues in her OP Hithere, none of which you addressed. I know there's a tendency for some to seek to criticise the OP in situations like this if they're the GM or m.i.l. but I fail to see how that's at all helpful with such an upsetting and difficult situation.

Perhaps re-consider talking to SS? I think that's your answer.

lily referred to the much bigger issues in her OP Hithere, none of which you addressed. I know there's a tendency for some to seek to criticise the OP in situations like this if they're the GM or m.i.l. but I fail to see how that's at all helpful with such an upsetting and difficult situation.

I completely agree Smileless 2012

Your GD has to live with her Mum, so it's possible she's saying things she thinks Mum will approve of - badmouthing you, OP, might in some stupid way make her Mum (your DD) "happy". Poor kid, stuck in the middle. And perhaps - if she's an oversensitive child, is it possible she sees something in you when she talks about her Mum and her behaviour? I'm not saying GD is playing you off against each other, but if she's getting reactions from each party perhaps that's making her feel a little important in a situation where she seemingly has little control.

May I suggest - a book I got years ago when my son was having a hard time at school - www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094?tag=gransnetforum-21

Even if you just read the sample, it might give some ideas how to hold a non-judgemental conversation with your GD. I'd say - big picture - the child needs to talk to a third party - does the School have a councillor she could talk to? This really isn't something a child should be dealing with.

Thanks for the support
I am being stripped emotionally and was hoping that people wouldn’t be too judgmental here .

I love that child with every part of my heart. I have striven to put her needs above my own. I have to implement soft boundaries so she doesn’t think I am a shmuck.

I was so hurt by the email I received from her Mother. The thought that the child couldn’t talk to me. I have made mistakes I know but not to the extent that she should stop seeing me.
We are not as close as I imagined 😔

at that age it's natural that she would prefer to be talking to her friends online rather than to an old person.
your lifestyles and experience are bound to be so different.
quite apart from the antipathy re her mother that you express.
that only adds to the difficulty.
you do sound obsessed about food.
why don't you let GD eat what she wants.
perhaps you come across as preachy about food, and about her mother.
it's obviously a difficult situation all round.
but i think you have to step back, and be less emotionally invested in all this.
don't say anything about her mother to GD.
if GD says anything about her mother, just listen, don't comment.
decide what you are willing to do re having GD to stay, but once she is there try to relax and let her relax.
maybe she find your food offerings odd; maybe she prefers sandwiches.
why was she hungry, are you limiting food, or only allowing certain foods.
let her eat what she wants, and as much as she wants, without comment, as you would with an adult guest.
don't make her feel uncomfortable for just being herself.
all the best.

Food conversions came from her. She said her Mother doesn’t feed her. She said she heated up microwave rice and handed her the bag. Take away burgers for her Mum and friends and she got a bag of chips. With the rice there was nothing else except a bit of canned tuna: so it went for years. Yes I became hyper sensitive about feeding her nutrients but there was excitement from her. She gets a choice of what to eat and gets 3 squares a day here. Pancakes every weekend so there is no denial of junk food.

Everyone who knows me knows I cook, I create, always have. She is not force fed or denied anything.

I think the food conversion is a way to hurt me being used by my Daughter.. she knows that it’s very unlikely there is no food in my house or that I refused food.

The child may be fed up ( no pun intended) with my response to her not being fed. I get that. I also get that I may sound preachy to a child who is not a baby anymore. She hung on my every word and she doesn’t need my constant input now she is growing.

My house is chilled and safe. There is no drama.
She is told she can come or she can stay. Go home when she wants or stay as long as she wants.
She told me her Mother has told her she must come so she can go out. I need to reduce the sleepovers though.

LondonMzFitz

Your GD has to live with her Mum, so it's possible she's saying things she thinks Mum will approve of - badmouthing you, OP, might in some stupid way make her Mum (your DD) "happy". Poor kid, stuck in the middle. And perhaps - if she's an oversensitive child, is it possible she sees something in you when she talks about her Mum and her behaviour? I'm not saying GD is playing you off against each other, but if she's getting reactions from each party perhaps that's making her feel a little important in a situation where she seemingly has little control.

May I suggest - a book I got years ago when my son was having a hard time at school - ]]

Even if you just read the sample, it might give some ideas how to hold a non-judgemental conversation with your GD. I'd say - big picture - the child needs to talk to a third party - does the School have a councillor she could talk to? This really isn't something a child should be dealing with.

Thanks, I will take on board what you say.
I realised I had said to much and maybe she is picking a side. I know both me and her Mother are ultimately responsible.

Her Mother said to her when caught in her lie and not returning from her holiday “ Grandma will not be in our lives if she is mean to me” I told her she was selfish for lying and not coming home from abroad

What is the content of those emails? That information is crucial if you want more realistic feedback

Your grandaughter is stuck in the middle of your dysfunctional relationship with your daughter

If you have concerns about your granddaughters welfare at home then you absolutely must call social services. That's your duty.

Until those concerns are proven by the authorities you have absolutely no way to know whether your grandchild is exaggerating or not or if it's worse than she is telling you... So call them.

You have absolutely no real evidence of what your grandchild is saying to her mother about you. Perhaps your grandchild is unhappy in both situations and that is why she also complains about you to her mother.

Either way your grandchild needs help, you need to do your part.

I'd suggest you work on healing your relationship with your daughter and getting her the support she needs to parent well but as you have no interest in doing that, then you call social services.

Please never agree to keeping secrets for a child again. That is hugely damaging to your ability to get the right support it is your responsibility as an adult to obtain for her

Grandma will not be in our lives if she is mean to me a horrible thing for her to say to your GD which must be making her confused and insecure and as a result, as LondonMzFitz has suggested, may be making her behave in ways so she feels more important, and has some 'control'.

I understand why you're thinking of reducing the number of sleepovers as these are so your D can go out, but I would think carefully about this as the time your GD gets to spend with you provides much needed rest bite from her less than satisfactory home life.

"Grandma will not be in our lives if she is mean to me" is actually a very constructive age appropriate way to explain to a child that we should expect others not to be mean and that we don't have relationships with mean people

Any adult that says that to an 11yr old is a nasty piece of work. I would report her to social services for the neglect. I wouldn’t want a relationship with anyone that treats her own child as she has. She is your daughter but there is no excuse. My daughter is a good mother, she has looked after her children well, they are educated and articulated, well looked after. Her problem is me, I respect her wishes for no contact, however I’ve never for one minute doubted she does her best for my gc. she is a good mother, my conscience if she hadn’t been wouldn’t have let me say nothing, I would have contacted socially services, children come first every time.