Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

It's like a furnace out there. Just been weeding but have had to come in before I get sunstroke.......I am still renting and there's no real shade in the garden. It's a real sun trap and desperately needs a couple of nice trees.

In my last house I removed a monstrous overgrown conifer hedge which was taking all the light and poisoning the soil. It must have been over 30 ft. I replanted with a row of assorted saplings which are now at the perfect height, providing much needed shade.

One of my favourite sayings is " A society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they know they will never sit".

Oh well next year.....hopefully I will found my forever home by then and can create my own little Garden of Eden.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DL,

Not sure where the "list of rules" came from....

I think if you are referring to my post, it was advice, that I had learnt during the last few months....no rules applied to anyone

Just wanted to clear that up.

This is a support thread, it was originally set up by an EP for EP's but for sometime has been here to support anyone whose life has been affected by this terrible situation, either because they have been estranged or fear it's going to happen.

TBH I'm very upset at what's happening here, especially to see accusations that two very supportive posters, one who has been here even longer than I have, to be accused of being "stuck and very jealous".

Please read the room. Be aware that those of us who have been estranged for years, some are way past the time where we can even dream of reconciliation and it has nothing to do with being unable to compromise, adjust our behaviour, take accountability and/or move forward to rebuild the relationship.

You need both parties to want reconciliation for there to be any hope of achieving it and that was never going to be the case for us and others whose contributions to this thread, keep it going.

"Having an open mind (and being) respectful of other peoples situations" is something everyone needs to be mindful of. So, can we please continue to allow this thread to do what it was designed to do and has been doing for more than ten years.

I should have included in my first paragraph those who have or are thinking of estranging.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Secret

Unfortunately it seems that your other long term members had a real issue with reconciliation or any positive posts about ways of us trying to move forward on our own journey's.

I find it very disappointing to come onto this site and to see that Yogin/Whiff decided to react so badly and so critical and judgmental of other peoples hurt and situations.

Right from the first post Whiff made it was clear she was angry and bitter....I don't know if she is jealous or stuck but it would appear after many years, she didn't like someone who has learnt a way forward. Whiff wanted to bring it down in a public forum.

As has now a couple of other's not just at me but at DSL too.

It is very sad, but I don't think this thread really can be very supportive to new members if that is the way you get treated.

People should be lifting people up and be supportive, not try to throw them under a bus, or make them feel their situation isn't a real estrangement because it has been as long as theirs.

Very sad.

* Secret* this IS a supportive thread. Please dont get driven away. So many people have had and still get support whatever their link to Estrangement

Yogin......I didn't say how much your post had stung me, I thought perhaps I was being over sensitive, but, after further consideration, I don't think I was.

I can see why you might think that a short lived estrangement bears no comparison to a long term one but its brevity doesn't make it any easier to bear. It's just as devastating,

When it happened I genuinely felt like I was going to die, the chest pains alone were horrendous. Yes there really is such a thing as broken heart syndrome. For two weeks I couldn't eat or sleep. Even my husbands death didn't affect me so deeply.

I've said it before that I believe estrangement is a form of PTSD and it took me a long time to recover. Even now I'm a changed woman, fearful that it could happen again. Fear of estrangement is like having the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head. I watch every step I take, every word I say. That fear never goes away. One false move and the reconciliation I worked so hard for could evaporate. I can't help but wonder if, In a funny sort of way, permanent estrangement is, in the long term, probably easier on nervous system.

Again I can only apologise if me posting about reconciliation has upset you, however I posted out of a genuine desire to offer hope not to brag or gloat or tell anyone how it should be done.

Fear of estrangement is like having the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head

I think many who ask for help on this and other threads feel the same DL

Any link to estrangement causes pain doesn't it. Even people who are supporting someone who has been estranged or who has chosen to estrange can benefit from the support of others where Estrangement has touched their lives in whatever way.

What I find disturbing is just how many people are struggling with estrangement. How many lives are blighted, how many innocent children are caught up in the cross fire.

At least it's out of the closet now, more people are aware. We can but hope that as more light is shed on the subject more people can find the support and help they need.

Yes Madgran this is a supportive thread and that support was extended to you Secret. If you no longer feel you can benefit from posting here then I wish you and your D well as you move forward.

I don't suppose permanent estrangement is any easier on the nervous system DSL just different. Watching every word, every step and every action must be emotionally and physically exhausting.

Knowing that in all probability you will never see your own child again and their children is, well there aren't really any words to describe what it's like.

I hope Yogin wont mind my mentioning this because only the 'old timers' here may be aware that a few years ago after 5 or 6 years of estrangement her and her son successfully reconciled and their relationship continues to go from strength to strength.

There have been others too so we know that for some there is a happy ending, I just wish there was one for everyone.

DerbyshireLass

Yes it is. Simple and effective. I still use it now. 😁

It's a good idea. Trouble is, at the moment, the only use I can think of for a rope is to strangle a few with 😉

Still, like you say - b***gar the lot of them.

It's hard though - when your ex is deliberately emotionally hurting your kids, and, at the other end, there's a 7 month old baby, that's mother has caused so many problems, she's the subject of a restraining order, and a suspended sentence, and the poor child is already on a Child Protection Register, because of her mother.

This year is going from bad to farce.🙄

Keep well. 💐

DL the only use I can think of for a rope is to strangle a few with I can certainly understand that

Stay strong because if anyone can through all of this, it's you x.

Smiles sorry but I need to point out to any new ones on here that have reconnected with their children. That I am not a jealous person about anything. The only place I get stuck is if my legs wouldn't work and it's takes a struggle to stand up. Nor am I bitter as I have nothing to be bitter about. . Yes I am angry but it has nothing to do with my son. He has chosen his path. I am angry and still feel the rage over my husband dieing young he was fit and healthy and I was born disabled and I am still here. My husband died in agony like others husband did here.
Newer members don't know me but feel they can pass judgement on me and decide to apply there own feelings on to me. They do not know what I have been through my whole life especially the last 35 years when my health has gotten worse.

But if your aim is to make me disappear or change my name you are sadly mistaken. Whiff is what my husband called me. Whiff I will stay.

This thread has given me nothing but support through my estrangement. But has helped me with other issues that have effected my life. Getting my posts deleted won't make me leave it . I am here to stay. So do you worst.

And I am betting this will get deleted as well . But it won't stop me posting.

DL. What a truly awful desperate situation. And as ever it's innocent children who pay the highest price.

Well you know what they say about ropes.......give them one long enough...... 😉

That was also part of my strategy. And it works. I gave DIL enough metaphorical rope and she metaphorically hung herself. Having said that she does seem to be genuinely sorry for all the disruption and discord she has caused.

To me it's water under the bridge and I'm prepared to let bygones be bygones. Unfortunately she has upset some people who are not so easy going as me and they are proving intractable. Not much I can do there.

Just because I am prepared to give second chances doesn't mean everyone has to. It's a steep learning curve for her and I do genuinely feel sorry for her but hopefully she has learned her lesson and in time the people both she and my son have hurt will soften their hearts and take them back into the fold.

Only time will tell.

That all sounds lovely Smiles....but doesn't explain why a couple of the members of this thread went out of their way to discredit a positive post. It wasn't gloating, or smug or of a superior attitude and yet received a bit of an unwelcome backlash. (who knows why? but some of then what was quoted wasn't even accurate).

Whiff clearly was 'triggered' she said 'annoyed', but they actually mean the same thing....I'm sorry it triggered her I actually said that in the post up-front...I just feel it is wrong to let posters feel they can put someone else's experience or outcome DOWN in such a confrontational way, just because it doesn't fit what their experience is or how they have mis-understood a number of things I had learnt as a directive personal to them.

It seems unless you tow the line with certain people they want to 'gang up' against you and belittle your words and your own personal experience of 'estrangement'.

That doesn't make this a safe place to be when you are in the early days, vulnerable and need support....but yes I am very grateful for the support I did receive from people directly.

I'm not sure if you are saying you don't want me to post here again...I wasn't going to but thought it was important to give an up-date post....and explain what had happened for me and my AD after such a very difficult time.

I thought the positivity and the outcome would be helpful to someone or just to know I had managed to move forward. It was lovely to connect with DSL out of my post, so I definitely got something positive to be grateful for.

I am someone who doesn't like upset, confrontation or bad feeling. So for me this has been a deeply upsetting experience. But I won't let people miss-judge or miss-represent me.

I hope that you can all find the support you need, whatever that may be to make sure you are happy and enjoying your life as it is now.

I wasn't expecting the responses from Whiff or to see Yogin respond the way she did either.

Hopefully the fact that some of their posts have been deleted everyone can now go back to being considerate, supportive and kind.

I don't think it's about ganging up - but this thread is about supporting people, who are doing things their way. It's not about advice as such.

Every estrangement is different,

I've had great support, on this thread, from various assortment estrangements, to bereavement, on here, but it didn't involve advice - just support.

Sometimes, it's better to start another thread, and let all comment on it.🙂

There's value in hearing all perspectives, even if they don't fit your specific situation. Secret's comment that led to this unpleasantness wasn't telling people what to do. It was exactly as they said, sharing what worked FOR THEM. They were careful with their words. That should be respected.

If you see similarities between your situation and someone else's and find that upsetting, it may be worth it to examine why. But don't blame Secret, because they did not make the comparison.

I don't think gatekeeping support for people with certain experiences is fair in this thread. But if you need that, maybe make a thread where you make that clearbthat you're looking for a certain kind of support. As it stands, this is for everyone.

Personal attacks, especially using details of someone's own story against them, is really harmful. These details were shared in good faith. You don't have to respond to everything you disagree with.

Smiles....the fear of permanent estrangement scares the living daylights out of me. I admire you so much for starting this thread, (and that tv interview). You have channelled some of your pain into something good, helping, supporting and encouraging others.

You are a shining beacon in a dark and troubled world.

Btw. I am thinking of joining rejoining our local choir next week. Time to get those lungs working again.

DL,

No it shouldn't be about 'ganging up' but it did come across that way to me....

Yes I agree all our situations are different.

Again it was what I learnt, people can take it or leave it and many people give support by explaining their experiences or what has worked for them....why should it have to be on a different thread? I was posting to the people that had supported me in what I thought was a supportive place.

I think there has been some confusion about 'advice' being a list of things I had learnt.

Whiff

Smiles sorry but I need to point out to any new ones on here that have reconnected with their children. That I am not a jealous person about anything. The only place I get stuck is if my legs wouldn't work and it's takes a struggle to stand up. Nor am I bitter as I have nothing to be bitter about. . Yes I am angry but it has nothing to do with my son. He has chosen his path. I am angry and still feel the rage over my husband dieing young he was fit and healthy and I was born disabled and I am still here. My husband died in agony like others husband did here.
Newer members don't know me but feel they can pass judgement on me and decide to apply there own feelings on to me. They do not know what I have been through my whole life especially the last 35 years when my health has gotten worse.

But if your aim is to make me disappear or change my name you are sadly mistaken. Whiff is what my husband called me. Whiff I will stay.

This thread has given me nothing but support through my estrangement. But has helped me with other issues that have effected my life. Getting my posts deleted won't make me leave it . I am here to stay. So do you worst.

And I am betting this will get deleted as well . But it won't stop me posting.

Whiff - I get it. I had two strokes over 30 years ago, I still suffer the complications of getting Legionnaires Disease, which will be with me for life, so I totally get it.

I'm angry/grief stricken about DH.

But, perhaps unlike you, I am still extremely angry about how his sons treated him, and I just don't want to know.

I can't forgive, I don't want to. I can't forgive my ex using our children to "press my buttons".

And, I can't forgive Miss D for one huge lie she told, which I've never posted about, simply because I'm too gobsmacked with it - and I can't at the moment. It was just unforgivable.😡

We do what we do to jog on. At the moment, my fury gets me up in the morning, (along with strong coffee and a couple of cigarettes), so we deal with the cards life has dealt us.🙂

I too didn't see Secrets post as a prescriptive list of 5 commandments but rather that she was just sharing what she had tried and what had worked for her.

As I said in my initial post these were the types of suggestions that I had stumbled upon, which I had tried and which I too had found useful.

I'm really at a loss as to why sharing ideas and suggestions have been met with such an angry reaction, why offence has been taken when none was intended, and why Yogin found it necessary to "downgrade" my pain because my estrangement was short lived rather than permanent. A wound to the heart is a wound to the heart.

If this thread is to be all encompassing and welcoming to all then that's what it should be. No judgement or Gatekeeping required.

And Secrets....it was a pleasure "meeting" you too.

.

Helenwaspushed

There's value in hearing all perspectives, even if they don't fit your specific situation. Secret's comment that led to this unpleasantness wasn't telling people what to do. It was exactly as they said, sharing what worked FOR THEM. They were careful with their words. That should be respected.

If you see similarities between your situation and someone else's and find that upsetting, it may be worth it to examine why. But don't blame Secret, because they did not make the comparison.

I don't think gatekeeping support for people with certain experiences is fair in this thread. But if you need that, maybe make a thread where you make that clearbthat you're looking for a certain kind of support. As it stands, this is for everyone.

Personal attacks, especially using details of someone's own story against them, is really harmful. These details were shared in good faith. You don't have to respond to everything you disagree with.

I think I'm expressing myself badly - call it bereavement fog.

There is an entire section, devoted to various aspects of estrangement, including those from ACs.

This particular thread is just about supporting people doing it their way`. Some have been asked not to post on this thread because of disruption, some choose not to.

So, those that have been posting here for 10 years actually don't need to move.🤔

It's not about advice, it's just about support - with the day to-day stuff.

I don't need to examine anything - I know what I'm doing, and I'm happy to do that.

Other threads are open to all - and there's liable to be mixed responses. 🙂

So DL - what you are saying is that this support thread is for those who have been posting here for 10 years plus...

So that means when I was invited to post on this thread, I shouldn't have done in the first place?

Maybe change the heading of the thread then as it doesn't actually represent what you are suggesting - support - day to day stuff.

You are basically saying you want us people to leave because you don't want posts like I posted about my experience and an up-date because it doesn't fit with your support group?

Thank you for the clarification - that definitely is not what I was told from the outset/

Clarification would be good

No, I'm not saying that at all. I haven't been posting for 10 years, so that would be silly of me, wouldn't it?

I'm saying this thread has a specific purpose, which is just day to day stuff.

Bu, I'm not going to further disrupt this thread, so I'll bow out and wish you well. 🙂