Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Well done DSL in getting all the regular posters posts deleted. I really cannot understand GNHQ's thinking

Well, you may be 'very fond' for your dil now DSL but I remember the awful names you would call her on here before! You came back on just to try and outshine Justbe with advice, but it didn't go down as you thought it would, did it.

That's right DL we try and support one another in the approaches taken when estrangement or the fear of it comes into their lives.

There is no gate keeping here so that support is only for a select few. Although I've seen that said of this thread many times over the years it's not the case, and if anyone feels they need support but this isn't the right place for them, they can start another thread or go on one of the many on the estrangement forum which incidentally, I think I'm right in saying came about because of the support thread.

This thread wont be for everyone, but has been a great support to many for the last 10 plus years and I believe will continue to be so.

Thank you DSL. This thread and what it has given to so many is for me the silver lining in the cloud of estrangement and that tv interview will forever be on of the most empowering moments of my life. My 5 minutes of fame, albeit anonymously.

a support thread? but lots of arguing going on!

DL don't bow out you are very much part of this thread, and we like to hear your updates. To say this thread is for 10yrs est. plus is absurd.

I have a whole page to catch-up on and not sure if I have time to. No doubt my post will be deleted anyway.

It's not good is it lemsip.

Smileless...

"If anyone feels they need support but this isn't the right place for them, they can start another thread"

Yes, that is what I am saying. If you don't like the post shared here, go somewhere else.

Attacking other people personally is against the rules of the forum, however. So I will continue to stand up for others and try to keep the thread supportive.

lemsip

a support thread? but lots of arguing going on!

That is not typical of this thread. It's a real shame and I hope things move on soon.

Smileless2012

That's right DL we try and support one another in the approaches taken when estrangement or the fear of it comes into their lives.

There is no gate keeping here so that support is only for a select few. Although I've seen that said of this thread many times over the years it's not the case, and if anyone feels they need support but this isn't the right place for them, they can start another thread or go on one of the many on the estrangement forum which incidentally, I think I'm right in saying came about because of the support thread.

This thread wont be for everyone, but has been a great support to many for the last 10 plus years and I believe will continue to be so.

Thank you DSL. This thread and what it has given to so many is for me the silver lining in the cloud of estrangement and that tv interview will forever be on of the most empowering moments of my life. My 5 minutes of fame, albeit anonymously.

Well, all I can say, is that the support I've had on here, since DH died, has been lovely.

Even before that, the support I've had, with estrangements raging around me, has been great.

DSL used to make me smile with her ways of dealing with her DIL - I genuinely thinks it's good news that they have reconnected.

But, one way is not another way - we all have to find a way, through our individual situations.

All are different, and the strength of this forum is that we all accept our different ways.

I'm not leaving the entire thread - I just think, to avoid disrupting this thread, that I'm better not engaging with a couple of posters.

I'm still brain-fogged, I don't want to know about forgiveness, so best I don't engage. 🙂

Smileless2012

This is a support thread, it was originally set up by an EP for EP's but for sometime has been here to support anyone whose life has been affected by this terrible situation, either because they have been estranged or fear it's going to happen.

TBH I'm very upset at what's happening here, especially to see accusations that two very supportive posters, one who has been here even longer than I have, to be accused of being "stuck and very jealous".

Please read the room. Be aware that those of us who have been estranged for years, some are way past the time where we can even dream of reconciliation and it has nothing to do with being unable to compromise, adjust our behaviour, take accountability and/or move forward to rebuild the relationship.

You need both parties to want reconciliation for there to be any hope of achieving it and that was never going to be the case for us and others whose contributions to this thread, keep it going.

"Having an open mind (and being) respectful of other peoples situations" is something everyone needs to be mindful of. So, can we please continue to allow this thread to do what it was designed to do and has been doing for more than ten years.

Excellent post as always Smiles

Secret/justbe think the problem was DSL posting just after you with her advice.

DSL I have no doubt that not seeing your son & GC for 10weeks was terrible & heartbreaking, I understand that.

Can't read any more past Smiles post, need to get ready for my work and out early tomorrow for Joey's check-up.

So read rest later tomorrow.

Yoginimeisje

Well done DSL in getting all the regular posters posts deleted. I really cannot understand GNHQ's thinking

Well, you may be 'very fond' for your dil now DSL but I remember the awful names you would call her on here before! You came back on just to try and outshine Justbe with advice, but it didn't go down as you thought it would, did it.

Yes I did call my DIL some choice names. I was hurt and angry and I lashed out. I never professed to be perfect. At the time she would have tried the patience of a saint. And I'm certainly no saint. Lol.

Since then she has apologised to me and shown genuine remorse, going out of her way to make amends. She had the grace and courage to admit her errors and I can only admire her for that. It takes great strength of character to admit your faults and to mend your ways. I have the utmost respect for her for trying so hard. And yes I have grown fond of her, it's easy to love someone when they so desperately want to be loved.

I have always said that she has many admirable qualities but that she was her own worst enemy. She knows that, she has said so herself. She held out the olive branch and asked for a second chance, I have been delighted to be able to give her that chance and so far she has not let me down.

Trying to outshine Justbe....really that's not my style.

Although I haven't posted for a while I do read and keep up with you all. I found her post interesting, it resonated with me so I joined in with the chat. No ulterior motives. She and I have been communicating all afternoon and we have become firm friends already. So thanks to this lovely thread I have made a new friend. She is a lovely person, genuine and friendly. At least that's my assessment.

Again all I can say I am sorry if my posts have triggered you. Certainly not intentional.

DL. Widows brain is definitely a thing. There is so much to do, all the practical stuff and all the emotional turmoil. It's exhausting, physically and emotionally.

Take care and take time to rest and recuperate. 💐

DerbyshireLass

DL. Widows brain is definitely a thing. There is so much to do, all the practical stuff and all the emotional turmoil. It's exhausting, physically and emotionally.

Take care and take time to rest and recuperate. 💐

I am. Some days are better than others, but it's a long journey. I'm in brain fog half the time.

Physical exhaustion isn't helping, and if you already have health problems, it's awful.

You look after yourself - and keep that rope handy! 😉

I will. 😉

Right people as we say on the pears thread everyday is a new start. Let's get this thread back to normal. Please no one write lists unless a shopping or packing one .

I have been on the support thread for since 2020. I couldn't post openly but posted PMs to Smiles and reading everyone's stories made it possible to finally after a few months to post openly. So glad I did.

At the moment we have the newly bereaved members,ones with loved ones anniversaries going up, anniversaries of one sort or and other . Special dates that mean something to us things that make us cry ,scream and laugh.

Others here are having physical and mental health problems or both. May have medical appointment or tests coming up.

All things in our daily lives which need the support, friendship,kindness , understanding and caring from eachother.

As said we don't just talk about estrangement here but things in our life. So this is my week. Yesterday had sit fit thankfully we do it in the church which was cool. But by the time our instructor finished with you some of us where glowing ok sweat running down our faces😁. Anyone thinks sit fit class is a soft option it's not the one I go to but that is what I love about. I need that to help strengthen my limbs and try and help with my balance and general mobility. There where 15 of us yesterday I am the youngest member at 65 our oldest 91.

Today off the the Brain Charity to take thank you cards and just a pretty mug with their name on it which I had from Etsy for the 2 women who have helped me .My way to say thank you for helping me through a horrible battle to get disability benefits. Posting one to the solicitor who helped me go to tribunal and she did it pro bono. There are several solicitors who do pro bono work for the Brain Charity. The Brain Charity based in Liverpool but helps anyone in the UK. In person,via email,phone or video call. They cover anything thing that effects the brain both physical ,mental or both . They support families who have loved ones as well. There are over 600 brain conditions. If you or anyone you know needs help get in touch with them . This year is there 30th anniversary. Just Google Brain Charity Liverpool and they have a Facebook page.

Tomorrow boiler service and baking for my craft group.

Thursday craft group . On milk duty as one of the ones who started the group is starting a college course she normally brings the milk. So I said I would take it. I usually do when she can't attend.

I have to write everything down on my calendar otherwise I forget.

Friday is exciting. Early in the year had a GN member I made friends with not here but another thread visit me at home . I helped her she asked if we could email so we did then after a while talked on the phone. Hence we finally met after a couple of years. My daughter was worried about having someone I met on the web coming to my home. So she was willing to answer all the things my daughter wanted to know about her.

I was going to get the train to the nearest station to her but she said it will be to difficult for me to use so insisted she picks me up . She lives 50 mins away in the next county. I have a goody bag all packed as a thank you. She asked how long did I want to stay ,so said it was up to her so she is bring me home on Monday. Really looking forward to being with her and in her lovely apartment which is surrounded by woodland.

It's Smiles and Mr S's wedding anniversary tomorrow.

And my brother and sister in law's on the 10th. Rained all day but had a wonderful time . Last time my mom was herself before the dementia kicked in and my mom died but her body lived on for another 5 months. She danced and laughed for the last time . But she was so happy as she said finally someone who deserves him. It was my brother's 3rd wedding. I said to him when I met my sister in law 2 weeks after they had met finally someone I could love. He finally met the other half of himself and she feels the same.

My oldest niece and her fiance are getting married end of the month in a wood. Only 20 at the wedding . I didn't expect an invite and wouldn't have gone anyway as I couldn't travel that far and spend all day at a wedding then travel home. Would have meant a stay overnight and do not want to go back too the area I lived. Here is home . Here is where I finally lived the life I promised my husband I would life . He had made me promise lot of things as he was a wise man who knew what I needed after he died. The main one was live your life to the full. But until I moved here I couldn't. I had people depandant on me.

But I love this new me and my new life. People got to know me no labels. Yes I lost my son but that was his choice I never say it coming. But the hurt he has caused isn't anything to the daily grief for my husband. So I am done letting my son hurt me. But I know what I need to live a full life.

I have more friends than ever,great neighbours people here in the north west are so open and friendly. See my daughter and grandson's every week. But I live an independent life. Had my bungalow adapted so it's easy for me. Have a small garden and treated myself to my greenhouse. Had really good veg harvest this year. But the best thing is brilliant healthcare and last year finally found out my diagnosis and it's rare . I could hear my husband say trust you ,you couldn't have anything that people have heard off. I am the only patient at the neurological hospital with it. But thanks to a Facebook group which is world wide I understand why I have been in pain all my life and why my body did and does what it does. But the best thing after 32 years of limb jerks and seizures my neurologist put me on a tablet than within 2 weeks my body was still and has been since March 2020.

Right hope that this ramble has reset this group. And people needing help won't be frightened to post. Estrangement was a taboo subject as the parents where automatically blamed when in fact it's our children's choice to dump us. But finally thanks to the support thread and it's longevity more people than ever are talking about it.

Because of this thread I can talk openly in public about it and had people tell me about being estranged by family members and thought they where on their own .

🌻

To suggest that by sheer skill and perception and subtle control, an estranged mil or anyone can turn a previously controlling nasty individual of many years, their words, into a supporting and kind one is frankly insulting and unkind.
I always say to new comers that mainly people reconcile, that estrangement is short lived, I don’t automatically assume they are dreadful people that deserve it, I don’t revel in their misery and very pleased when a reconciliation occurs, because usually for most it does. For others it simply didn’t, we tried but despite best efforts our children decided their lives are better without us, we have to live with that as best we can. I hope I never get bitter and because I hurt want to hurt back to even the score. It a comment such as, you could be pretty if only you would try harder. A veiled put down. Why?
This is for genuine support if it’s yesterday you estranged or five years ago, not judgement on peoples lives we know nothing about, just how they feel. For it’s how people make you feel that matters. You forget the words but not how they made you feel.

I was estranged for 5 years starting 10 years ago. In my very first post on Gransnet I said briefly what had happened and that I didn't want advice on how to stop the estrangement as I knew my DIL had no intention of letting that happen. What I did want was advice on how to live with the despair . That's when I "met" Smiles and Yoga and others who not only sympathised but gave me practical advice - especially on how to cope with things like birthdays and Christmas etc. It is this sort of support which which can be a lifesaver and can only be found on this particular thread

Well said Allsorts and eddiecat. 💐

Well said Eddiecat.

I think it’s a great testimony to this thread that people care enough to ensure it remains a supportive space. We’re all on here because we are hurting.

How lovely to come on this morning and see such positive posts, so thank you Whiff, Allsorts, eddiecat and Spring.

Goodness Whiff, just reading about all you have to do this week is exhausting!!! Don't know how you manage to squeeze so much in.

I've done sit fit in the past and as you say, no way is it an easy option. You get out of it what you put in and having that 'healthy glow' at the end shows how hard you've worked.

Rather like this thread not that I think any of us get a healthy glow because we've posted, but we do get out of it what we put in. Being so much more than our estrangements, talking about our lives in general is for me, much healthier than only focusing on what we've lost.

Simply reading this morning's posts and it's only 8.15 in the morning, has given me a warm glow inside of gratitude for the friendships that have been made here and for all the help that's been given and received over the years.

For many estrangement is short lived Allsorts and as posted a couple of days ago, I do think time is a big factor. The longer the estrangement goes on for, the harder for reconciliation to be achieved. Not always of course as Yogin's wonderful reunion with her son proved.

Those first Christmas', birthdays, mothers and fathers day are the worse aren't they eddiecat, and knowing that others navigated them and how they got through them can for some be a real life saver.

It is ^a great testimony to this thread that people care enough to ensure it remains a supportive space Spring. Some of us may not hurt as much as we used too or as often, but we all have those days when we struggle and need somewhere to talk about how we feel.

Yes Whiff, it's our wedding anniversary tomorrow; 43 years. In some ways it doesn't seem possible that we've been married for so long but when I look back at all the things we've done and seen, it must be to have fitted it all in!!!

Off to my singing lesson at 9.00 am. She's given me a new piece from 'Phantom of the Opera' and it's going to need some work. I was practising yesterday and there are one or two places where it isn't that good , so providing her ears can stand it, we'll be working on it for sometime.

Wow 43 years, how lovely. Hope you have a wonderful time. Have you planned anything special. Good luck with the Phantom song,

It's another glorious day here.......I bought 5 new sweaters last week so I am to blame for the heatwave. Lol. The good thing of course is the warm weather helps keep the heating bills down. Always a plus.

A few of you have asked for an update. I am still renting, still enjoying my sabbatical. I have been concentrating on some outstanding health issues.

I have undergone a course of chiropractor treatments. My body was totally out of alignment, hips, shoulders, knees, a couple of ribs, and pelvis were all out of kilter. The Quasimodo look wasn't a good one. 😱. But after several months of gruelling sessions everything is now in the right place. I have even regained some height that I had lost. Now I just have to have maintenance session every so often.

I have also been having a lot of dental work done, remedial work and preparation for implants. Like the chiro, it's been lengthy, expensive and at times painful. I get my first implants at the end of the month.

Hopefully the worst of the medical stuff is over. I am now working on my wardrobe, having a revamp. Hence the new sweaters. I decided to have a good declutter and ditch the frump. The bag lady look is so last year dahhhhlings.

Other than that not much news, all is good. I like living here, but I will move again at some point, just waiting for "the one".

Anyway it's a gorgeous day......time to get cracking.

Enjoy the sunshine.😎

Thank you Eddiecat for your supportive post. I've already thanked others in our pms, so I'll not repeat.

I would like to say to secret/justbe look back on my post and you'll see I didn't say anything about you, only that DSL post following yours was too much. I did say that we wanted your update and actually asked you to and was very pleased you have reconciled properly with your D, but as all my post were deleted you won't be able to re-read.

Well, I'll wish Smiles a 'Happy Anniversary.' for tomorrow. I'm taking a break from here now as I have enough upset without coming on here to be hammered.

Take care all, wish you all the best xxx

* Yoginimeisje* - I think there were misunderstandings all round yesterday, carry on posting, it's done and dusted now.

Threads like this can always get fraught, because there is a lot of pain going on.💐

Smileless - many congrats on your anniversary. Have a wonderful day.🍾🍾

DSL - good luck with the implants. I can't have them as I've got gum disease, and I smoke, so I found a good private dentist, and went for extractions and partial dentures. That was expensive and painful as well...aargh!

Still, now I've sort of got used to them, it's fine.

Whiff - your life sounds hectic! Still, as long as you enjoy it.👍

Glorious weather here, although I will suffer as the week goes on, 32 degrees affects my breathing, so it's stay indoors, in front of coolers for me. Luckily, I stream and subscribe to a lot of TV, so it's box sets all the way.👍

Anyway, all have a lovely day - whatever anyone's doing.💐

Just so pleased to read ‘normal service’ here has been resumed!

Enjoy all your days!

Beautiful here in Somerset

So the Indian summer's your fault DSL. When it looks as if it's on the way out, can you go and buy some more jumpers?

Great minds think alike. Mr.S.has just gone out with 2 rather large bags of clothes and a few books for the local RSPCA shop and when he's bowling this afternoon, I'm walking into town to buy some new jumpers and another pair of jeans, plus of course anything else that catches my eye, not forgetting a nice sloppy and romantic anniversary card for Mr. S.

I see you're thinking of joining your local choir. Go for it, I'm so pleased I did because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have started having singing lessons.

The song from Phantom, 'Wishing you were somehow here again' went much better than expected especially for V who I gave a health warning too before we started. She's an excellent teacher and has really helped me to improve my singing. So much so that I'm going to have a chat with our choir master about doing a solo at our next concert. 'Panis Angelicus' really suits my voice and V thinks I'm good enough so I'll see what he says.

We're going out for an Indian tomorrow evening to celebrate, so I'm looking forward to that.

Thanks Yogin. Sometimes it's good to take a break but don't stay away too long because we miss you already.

I smoke too DL and a couple of times on the support thread my name's been wrong and I've been addressed as smokeless, which made me laugh and maybe one day I will be but I enjoy them, don't smoke many and so far so good have avoided gum disease.

It's a beautiful day here too so when I get back from my shopping spree I'll sit for an hour or two on our roof terrace with my new book.

Enjoy the weather everyone and the rest of your day.