Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

No problem Onwards that's why I reply start away after reading a post, instead of reading all the post and then replying, as by then you do forget who posted what

My estD cut herself off from all the family too Onwards, except for her dad, but as he lives in Indonesia her H allowed him to stay 'in'. My son, her brother was 'in', until he came back to live with me, so now he's 'out' too.

Hope you got your curser back Smiles. Sometimes just turning your laptop completely off and then restarting it corrects the problem.

Are you doing anything special for Mr.S 70th birthday?

Morning everyone.

Yes, my cursor's returned thanks Yogin. I turned my laptop off which is my default when there's a technical issue; turn it off and start again .

No, nothing planned and that had me in tears last night. Our dearest friends are in Portsmouth and when we're home, the others are over an hour and a half's drive away which is why we only get together when we're at our lodge. They are also busy with her elderly parents, their AC and GC.

Two good friends where we now live are both abroad, and one of those was our vicar has moved a 2 hour drive away and of course we lost out beloved S and K is back at her parents until the New Year, if she sticks to her plan to come back after then.

One of Mr. S's sister's lives 2 hours away and is busy with her DD, s.i.l. and their 2 girls. One brother is also 2 hours away and we only hear from him intermittently. The other brother is nearly 3 hours away and tragically his other sister lives in Oxford and continues her 11 year battle with cancer .

DS will forget his dad's birthday as he always does so I suddenly burst into tears last night as we should be having a party, a proper celebration and it will be what it is 99% of the time, just the two of us.

Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed we are to have one another and be so much in love after 43 years of marriage, but something will happen, or as in this case not happen, and I think how precarious our happiness is.

I was last night reminded of my dependence on him when the most ridiculous thing happened. I left choir practice to find the road on my route home had been closed and there were no deviation signs. The only other route I know was also cut off due to a massive fire a couple of months ago, which meant the building had to be demolished.

So, I drove back to the church and 'phoned him so he could drive to where I was and I could then follow him home. We usually laugh about my complete lack of direction, but my sense of humour seems to have alluded me ATM. I mean we've lived here for 7 years and I had no idea how to get home.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by how horrible our lives have turned out and although he says he isn't bothered about his birthday, my heart is breaking for him.

When we had our villa in Florida, I bought him a little plaque which he kept in the bedroom which says 'If I could choose again I would still choose you'. When I woke up this morning, he placed it in my hand and gave me a hug.

Oh Yogin, you're probably wishing you hadn't asked but I'm glad you did as it enabled me to depress you all with my rant. I know 'this too will pass', it always does until the next time and if there's one thing apart from our love for one another that I know I can rely on, there will be a next time.

Smiles life all over whelms us at times and special birthdays and anniversaries just make it worse. I am not bothered about my birthday if my son doesn't remember. But it hurts me to think he might have forgotten his dad's or the anniversary of his death.

Ever since he sent back all the cards etc in August 2020 . I still have to with fight with myself as I so want to send my 3 grandson's a birthday and Christmas present and card. Even though I don't know the youngest's name. But I won't open myself to him hurting me anymore. I am done. He is still my son but not the one we brought up with good values. It's horrible to think our children have forgotten how to be decent human beings. Their dogs get treated better than I did.

Just make Mr S's 70th birthday all about what you share together that love that has seen you both through so much heart ache but you fought and won. Those of us who were lucky enough to find the other half of ourselves its so special. Some people live their whole lives and never have that special bond. You have with Mr S and I hope you have many more years together.

I can perfectly understand why you felt lost and needed him to show you the way home. You must have been frightened as there was no directions.

Bus journeys I take everything week. I have to watch for every bus stop so I don't get off at the wrong one. Going anywhere new is planned like a military operation so I don't get lost. Had to be a planner my whole life but at least I know understand why. It's part of having HPX as I didn't realise until talking to others with it it sets of our anxiety. Never knew I had it just thought I was weird.

Smiles you could never depress anyone. It's how you feel you made it a safe place for us to talk about our worries and fears you are allowed to as well. That's why this thread is still going all these years. Because we can talk about anything . We are all human and all feel things . Mr S being 70 is a big thing and should have a big party but you can have a special time just the 2 of you. Do something that is very special to you . Like going to a place that has special meaning to you both, or having a meal and a wine that is special or reliving your first date. I know it's his birthday but it does just have to be about that but the love and life you share together.

I never envy anyone still having the other half of themselves. Because I know how special it is but it's bloody horrible when you lose that. That's why my husband is my one and only. Anyway I couldn't be bothered having to train any other husband 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

Anyway yesterday before I went to craft group I booked my holiday for next year my first since 2005. Going to Berwick upon Tweed as never went to the north east coast with my husband. I couldn't go back to anywhere we went. I will be staying in the premier Inn as they have accessible rooms which is brilliant for me . They put the bed high which is the same as mine. And it has walk in shower. Booked the meal deal breakfast and 2 course dinner. Plus I paid for the flexi plan. Which means I can cancel up to 1pm on the day I arrive and get a full refund. The other way was you had to cancel 28 days ahead to get a full refund. So happy with what I have booked.
Looked at transport and buses and local trains to go too places . It's over 4 hours on the train from here but will have travel assistance as usual no fear of getting on the wrong train or missing a connection and no lifting my case on and off the train or getting my seat.

Stayed in primer inns before my daughter and son in law had there first house. But had to just the wall to put my feet on to get on the bed and dangle my feet getting off. I am 5'2".

As I need an accessible room I thought better to book now as they only have so many and wouldn't want to miss getting one when I want to go. So will be off in May Monday to Friday. Funny how happy I feel that I have it booked.

Will read everyone else's post later but wanted to write to you Smiles our fearless leader with your second in commands Yogin and Allsorts. ❤️

Please wish MrS a very Happy Birthday 🎂 🎈 - you have got each other - you are lucky! Enjoy the day, whatever you’re planning to do xx

For you Smiles and Mr S x

Oh Smileless, I do feel for you both. This estrangement was not of your choosing and I know how you tried unsuccessfully years ago to mend bridges. I felt like that this year on my birthday. I kept trying long after she told me I wasn't wanted, but the last time my d was so upset I was frightened for her health, I made her a promise not to contact her any more, which I’ve kept to. Remember, your grandsons haven’t rejected you, just doing what their parents tell them as they were so young..
You have each other, as you started out all that time ago which is wonderful.
Sending you both a big hug and wish Mr S a happy birthday.💐

Smileless, your post touched my heart when you said how precarious your happiness is but I hope you and Mr S have a wonderful time even just the two of you. You are rich in love, 43 years together is more than many get and actually being in love is wonderful. Wishing Mr S a Happy Birthday and sending you both hugs!
You could still have a big party and invite friends? It doesn't have to include family to be a party, but do what's right for you both.
My heart goes out to you both and all who pass momentous occasions without our loved ones. [cake]

Oh Smiles your post really tugged at my heart. As you say, you are really lucky to have one another, I do envy you both.
Why not go to Paris and see the moulin Rouge show, I did that with my H and it was special.
For Mr.S and you

That must have been freighting for you Smiles with the road closures! My sense of direction is set to zero too and that's why I hate travelling to a place I've never been to before. Satnavs have been a life saver for me. Before Satnavs I remember getting lost in London and passing Elephant & Castle a few times and just not being able to find the route out of the centre of London. Years back I remember my DD phoning me late at night, I was asleep in bed, she was very distressed as lost in London, I dashed downstairs to get the map out and then talked her out of London and home!

Thank you so much everyone. It means more than words can ever say to be able to off load here knowing that the friends made will understand, and never fail to say just what's needed .

We had a lovely evening last night, sitting in our basement living room which we rarely do which is such a lovely room. Nice and cosy with the fire on and the dogs snuggled up too, something we'll have to do more often.

Off to the theatre this evening to see Nut Cracker. I just love ballet and thankfully Mr. S. enjoys it too and it's a good reason to get dressed up for the evening.

I've passed all of your birthday wishes onto Mr. S. and he's very touched and so pleased that we all have this place to share all aspects of our lives; past and present, good and bad.

Had such a laugh first thing as he realised he didn't have his false tooth in and found it in the bed!!! I said I hoped there weren't any other body parts in there that had dropped off and suggested he check thoroughly on Thursday when he reaches the big 70 .

What would we do without laughter.

Just seen your post Yogin and glad I'm not the only one with no sense of direction. You did well to be able to talk your DD out of London using a map.

Not sure I could have managed that .

I'm going to have a chat with some friends to see if they could dog sit for a day so we can have a trip and lunch on the Pullman. It would be next year but something I know he'd enjoy.

For his 50th we went to Venice on the Orient Express. A trip of a life time which neither of us will ever forget and he had no idea until we got to a London hotel the night before.

Can't believe that was 20 years ago .

That's very cute Whiff the needle work picture, is that supposed to be you and your late H?

You're very brave if you're going on holiday on your own Whiff, I know a couple of my friends do that and they always have a good time and meet lots of new friends, some they stay in contact with for years. Have a lovely time, and don't forget your bikini .

Can I just wish Mr S a very happy birthday 🎂 and I hope he has a wonderful time however you both celebrate.🍷 It’s wonderful that you still have each other and still share the love that brought you together Very special.

smileless I don’t post at all now but read occasionally when I get the time but your post *friday 11.52am*really touched me this morning.

I recognise that feeling and I just wanted to send you support and love in thanks for the support
and advice you have given to sooo many people over the years.
You’ll probably never know how many estranged parents you have helped.

It’s a continuing battle to live a decent life when your heart is broken but your sensible and heartrenching thoughts and feelings shine out. I would like to thank you for that.💐

whiff I love that wee picture Just perfect.

Love to all you very very special people.💐💐💐

Thank you Granniesunite for your lovely post.

Sorry Whiff I forgot to mention the lovely embroidered picture. You're so clever, not just to be able to embroider so beautifully but to know that Mr. S. wears a cap!!!

Dear Smileless, I just want to echo Granniesunite's post. I don't often post on here but I do read regularly. Your kindness and support and wise words has meant a lot to me and, by default, my husband.

Our son estranged us over 3 years ago and despite all our efforts, is unwilling to speak to us to try and find a way forward. At times the despair is overwhelming and it's a huge comfort to come onto this forum and realise that we are not the only ones
.
Please wish Mr S a happy birthday, and we hope you enjoy this special day.

Thank you.

Happy birthday Mr.S, hope you both have a lovely day 🎂

Whiff, so pleased you’ve booked your holiday, it’s lovely to have that to look forward to. Lovely part of the world. Understand completely you wanted somewhere to go that you hadn’t been to with your husband, I feel just the same. You have time to plan what trips you will have. Lots of people in your position would just stay at home but that’s pointless, you will make lovely memories.
Scotty, haven’t seen you on here before but so glad you’ve posted, no one not estranged can really understand, I know I didn’t before it happened to me. Took everything for granted.
Been watching the Remembrance concert tonight on BBC 1. Brilliant. No one does it better, a great tribute to all the brave people who made the ultimate sacrifice, puts my worries pale in comparison. Life is too short to fall out but it takes two to make up, goodness I tried enough.

Celebrations are another thing estrangement robs us of. We never celebrate big birthdays or anniversaries with others because the ‘missing person’ looms too large. So we plan special holidays instead. But it’s not the same.
Like others I’ve had a sense of gloom recently. So much in my life is good and I try to be thankful for that, but the estrangement regularly looms larger than it all. And all we can do is live with it as it’s not something we can either change or leave behind. Not how I also expected life to turn out.
Always new friends to make Smiles but as we get older the effort seems greater….or at least that’s what I find. Keeping perspective I don’t think I know anyone who’s having an easy ride through life. Let’s be kind.

Nice posts everyone.

I watched that film 'War horse' yesterday afternoon & of course the remembrance services on both days. My dad was always in the parades, and we always went, my son in his air cadet's uniform. This year and last my GDs were in the parade in their Brownie & Rainbows uniforms, but it tipped down and they all got drenched!

I themed my class on remembrance & stopped at 11am for the 2min silence, which was tricky to do.

Thank you Scotty and all of you for your kindness and birthday wishes for Mr. S.

You're right Spring, estrangement casts a shadow over so much of our lives and tarnishes celebrations. Nothing's quite the same anymore and never will be.

I couldn't watch that Yogin because of the horse. Can watch most things involving adult human beings as long as the violence isn't too gratuitous but not anything that involves animals, and that includes wildlife programmes .

How thoughtful to have themed your class on remembrance and take part in the 2 minute silence. I remember years ago when we were children, my dad having a go at a delivery driver who sounded his horn to get attention during the 2 minute silence.

I can’t watch anything to do with the first world war. I’m in tears from the beginning, couldn’t watch War Horse or Le Mis. The pointless suffering of wars and slaughtering of good people is something I can’t deal with.

Nice to see old posters back and always nice when someone finds this thread.

Since my move time flies by. It's was both my children's wedding anniversaries this month. 5 days and 4 years apart. Funny enough both couples were 28 when they got married. I was looking back and both where lovely days and the weather was sunny for both days. My mom went to both . And danced and stayed to the end of my daughters . At my son's again she danced but was tired by 10.30 so my daughter and son in law took her to the hotel. I stayed until the end . But I had forgotten whilst at my daughter's wedding I was never alone my son in laws family or their friends sat with me. But at my son's after mom left I sat on my own . My son talked to me ever now and then but the rest of time I just sat by myself watching others. It only hit me on their wedding anniversary how much that hurt. A hurt I hadn't felt before. No idea why this year it hurt. At my son's wedding there was only me ,mom , daughter and son in law from our family. My daughter in law's brother and sister had flown over and her aunt,uncle and cousins where there. I remember watching them dance and I know my daughter in law was drunk but what she was doing was inappropriate. When I left only my son said goodbye. Funny how I had blocked it from my memory. This morning realised how much that hurt.

Been having nightmares which had stopped when I moved here no idea why the last 2 nights been plagued with them.

For the first time since my husband died I haven't got money worries first month I have had to take any money out of what savings are left. Thanks to having PIP and UC. Plus having cost of living payment and some back pay.

Only need to get a couple of presents for my daughter and son in law and am done . Everything else is wrapped. Cards all written .

Had a new back door and frame fitted on Saturday. And my window cleaner cleaned my gutters and using cif cleaned all the white PVC including the apex and my garage . He painted the bits is masonry and the one bit of wood . Because it was sunny it dried so could put 2 coats on. Didn't realise until Debi hit on Monday my old back door was drafty.

Monday is my sit fit class. Debi was in full force I only have to walk past 5 homes to get too the church but with the gusts of wind took me 20 mins . 2 woman asked me if I needed help as my balance was all over the place . Thanked them very much but I was almost to the gate. Some of us walk to our class and even though the winds where so bad 14 of us where there. Shows how much the class means to us. It was circuit training. Which is always fun. But do our warm up and did some new exercises before we did it.

Thank you every for your comments about my cross stitch. As soon as I saw the chart knew I want to do it. Didn't know Mr S wore a flat cap Smiles. My dad did. My husband wore glasses . Mom and dad met dancing in 1948 and danced up until dad's last 6 months if life. Ballroom dancing and sequence . Both my brother and I where taught to ballroom dance and when I met my husband they taught him to . But we only went once a month with them . Mom and dad danced 4 times a week. But it never cost much. After dad died mom never danced properly only jiggled to pop music. As she said she could never dance properly without dad. My dancing days ended when I was 29 once I needed a walking stick and the limb jerks started.

My youngest grandson will be 3 next week he's my daughter's son. Because all 5 of my grandsons are close in age seeing my daughter's boys I imagine what my son's do.

Was thinking about whether it would have been better if I never knew my sons eldest or not. But I am glad I did especially since I moved here. I saw them every week for 7 months. I was lucky to have had the time with them.

Funny how I can go along and be fine but like the grief I feel for my husband everyday day , the living grief for my grandsons can overwhelm at times. Just wish I could turn that one off.

Funny how I think I am coping with the estrangement then wham it hits me. But I am sticking to my decision never to contact my son ever again . Months ago I tried for the final time only my third text to him in 3 years. And had abuse back. Once I decide to do something I stick to it. Have been the same my whole adult life. I hate it if my body stops me doing what I want. But it's got to very serious to stop me. Glad I decided to go to Aldi yesterday morning . It's takes me a wobbly 40 mins to walk there and does wipe me out when I get home . But I do it. Taxi driver has to put my legs in and out of the car as can't do it myself haven't for the last 2 years. When with my daughter she does it but can see her eldest doing it soon. As he watches what she does. He's funny if we go out to eat or home with them he tells me I am doing well if I haven't drop food down me. It's what those of us with HPX say we wear our food. It's not just the co ordination but the tremors in our hands . Been using a spoon and fork to eat with for years as I can't use a dinner knife to cut food. If I am by myself ask for the food to be cut up in the kitchen or whoever is with me does it. It's like the early days in 1988 when my husband cut up my food for me. If anyone looked he glared at them and if anyone made a comment he went for them not physically but verbally.

Before I moved here still had abuse shouted at me but not so much the last few years . But here not had any only offers of help. Where I used to live was a good middle class area little serious crime. But the people in the north west are a different bred. People here just accept any differences and offer help. Funny how my life has changed for the better since my move . What my son has done is a blip I have so many good things in my life and more true friends than ever my wonderful craft group. My sit fit class are lovely just see eachother once a week. My neighbours are lovely and worry if they don't see me . Moving for me changed my whole life. I live my life to the full I know longer just exist.

I know others here who have moved it has changed their lives to. But we are never to old to change and I love learning new things and doing things I hadn't tried before. But that's life but as long as I have quality of life I intend to live it to the full . As life without quality isn't worth living . My husband and I always believed quality is better than quantity.

I know this is a weird ramble but it's how I am feeling at the moment. But I am happier since my move than I had been since my husband died.

Take care of yourselves .

Belated Happy 70th to your hubby Smileless.

Hello everyone.

Celebrations and other family events are painful for us estrangees. Christmas burns hard in my circle.

I’ve been having counselling for a physical health problem, and the point came when I brought up family estrangement and how Christmas is - I spend it alone. The counsellor became impatient, interrupting and being judging, completely unaware or not wanting to hear about family estrangement and its effects. Arguing and getting slightly angry.

I am very careful not to allow myself to get upset before Christmas, and not to get upset about having to explain about family to anyone. But I thought maybe I would be safe bringing it up in Counselling.

I have been on GN for a while, last year I sadly lost my father and uncle. One of my brothers used the funeral to have a dig at me about my son in his eulogy.

I could cope with it as I’m used to it. But why is it necessary for people to go on and on about it.

Anyway, Gransnetters, my faith, my cats, books etc keep me going and I am by nature optimistic and cheerful.

Chins up and keep going

SparklyGrandma you need to report that counsellor as no counsellor should talk to you that way. My best friend is a counsellor she always says her job is to listen to people and give helpful advice if they want it. No counsellor should ever get angry with a client.

If your GP sent you to that person then report them for unprofessional behaviour. If you are paying privately then don't go again.

If you have been referred by a consultant you can get in touch with PALS attached to the hospital and report them.

A counsellors job is to listen to the client and not to pass judgement.

Because of the help I have had from this thread and everyone on it past and present I openly talk about my son's estrangement . And you would be surprised at the number of people who have told me they are estranged from children or other relatives.

Since my husband died I only allow myself to feel sad on Christmas Eve if I need to, not because of my son and 3 grandson's but because Christmas was my husband's favourite time of the year. His last Christmas was 2003 we knew it would be his last. So we made it extra special on the day. He was more himself that day. Boxing day he spent most of the time in bed asleep. Christmas lunch was the last proper meal he eat.

Funerals should be about the loved one who has died not for airing family problems . Your brother doesn't sound like a nice person. Why would he want to hurt like that when you are grieving.

Here is a safe place for you to talk about anything you want. It doesn't have to be about estrangement. We all talk about what's going on in our lives. Well as you can see I rambled on but that's me. I like who I am and know my faults very well. But I have never been or every will be unkind to anyone. I hated my in laws but because my husband loved his parents he never gave up on them. I didn't give up on his mom or our children didn't either but it was because of the love for my husband and theirs for their dad that we still looked after her.

I am an atheist and if I believed in a heaven and hell. Then my in laws should be buring in hell .

I am glad your faith helps you and your cats. You have found a way to live your life. Sorry you have physical health problems. It's not easy when your body doesn't do what you want. But if like me you find a way to do things your way.

Take care of yourself but do report that counsellor. 💐