Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Scotty if it hadn't been for Smiles I couldn't have posted openly. As I sent her PMs and she always replied and helped me for months.

But because of this thread and the support , understanding and most important of all friendship I get through everyday.

Estrangement which has been said before is a living grief and is overwhelming at times. But the grief I feel for my husband overwhelms my estrangement grief. I miss my son and 3 grandson's. But decided few months back to text him for the final time only third time in 3 years. Had abuse back so I am done. For my own piece of mind I will never contact him again. Once I make a decision I stick to it.

The son I love is the loving caring son I knew no idea who he is now. We all have to reach a point when we have to say enough. The only person hurting was me and I will not let him hurt me anymore. I have to many good things in my life .

But my son showed he didn't care about me when he sent the email and follow up letter in 2020. At the time of sending the email he knew they had found a problem with my heart and was waiting for a bubble echocardiogram. Also last year I finally found out what neurological condition I had been born with and it's rare. I sent him a text to tell him I was sending a copy of my neurologists letter and how to get tested if he wanted . I heard nothing back. My health got worse when he was 6 months old and his sister 4. But thanks to my husband and his attitude we altered away of life to suit what I can do. Our children had a normal childhood I was a hands on mom only thing I couldn't do was take them out by myself.

Scotty I hope you can fine a way to live with your estrangement and not let your son hurt you anymore. It's hard as we give our children unconditional love and support. Never realising one day they will turn their backs on us. But they think they are the perfect parents but there is no such thing. And one day my grandsons will point out all the things they did wrong growing up. And when they fall in love and put their partners first will be interesting to see if my grandsons will do what they did to me . But I will never know. Unless my grandson's decide to want to find me . This is my forever home will never move again. But time will tell.

Glad this thread is helping you as it helps me . 💐

The War horse was gut wrenching, but it did have a happy ending for the horse and the young lad that owned him. In the film they had a piece about the Germany soldiers, one was a young lad of 14yrs, he and he's young brother were shot for desertion. My dad was only 17yrs when he joined WW2.

Whiff sorry to hear you are having nightmares, it happens to us all from time to time, hope you don't get any more.

Sparkly what a rotten councillor, he shouldn't be in the job, I know it was about healthy probs. but that often leads to MHP, so I would have thought he would hear about he's patients' problems a lot. Don't go back to him and report him for bad behaviour. As for your brother, not on at all, so sorry for you, you didn't need that on top of everything else.

Estranged 11yrs today!

Just donated to Vernon Kay, he is doing sooo well, I really feel for him doing all that running every day, it must really hurt bad now.

Went to the Doctors this morning for some HRT, the answer was NO!, Gave me a blood test form, but not going to do it as I'm fine, if you watch 'Loose women' you'd know that they really push HRT as an elixir of youth, and I thought I can do with some of that please but not to be .

I know it's the 11th anniversary of your estrangement Yogin . This date marks your estrangement anniversary, Mr. S.'s birthday and the birthday of our youngest GS who we've never met.

Why did the doctor say 'no', you must have been given a reason. Is it because you look so healthy and youthful it was felt you didn't need it? Bet that was the reason .

I know the film has a happy ending but I still couldn't watch it.

So sorry to hear about your father and uncle Sparkly and if that wasn't hard enough on top of your estrangement, you came face to face with an insensitive and incompetent councillor . You have to wonder how some people get the jobs they do, don't you.

It's so good to know how happy you are in your 'forever home' Whiff and how your life has gone from strength to strength despite the tragic loss of your DH and being estranged by your son.

Hope you’ve had a lovely birthday celebration with Mr S Smileless. We have to make the most of good times even when living with estrangement. Sparkly I agree with others - either confront the counsellor or ditch them. Such unprofessional behaviour. Our EC ditched us after sessions with a counsellor that we’d been paying for.From the bits our EC said at the time we had serious concerns about the counsellor - but our EC seemed to like them so we just let it continue. What a mistake that was 😡
Sorry to hear about the nightmares Whiff….I hope peaceful nights soon return. Can’t watch Warhorse Yogi - anything sad makes me cry!

Yogin and Smiles recent 11th year since your estrangements. Mr S's birthday and that of your youngest grandson Smiles who you have never met. Happy sad things at once.

Thankfully my nightmares only lasted the 2 nights. I'm not worrying about anything so no idea why. For the first time since my husband died I haven't been worried about money. But can't change a habit of a life time and being careful with it.

When I think about 11 years that was how long my mother in law lived longer than her son. A son she denied ever existed or the fact she had 2 grandchildren. If she had dementia I could have understood but she didn't she was still sharp minded and tongued until the last 2 days of her life when she became unconscious. But for all I hated her because my husband loved his parents I couldn't not go every week and be her emergency call out she hated me as much as I her but she put me down as next of kin. Her family only appeared once she was dead.

What I will never understand is my son and daughter in law know what a bad mother ,mother in law and grandmother is as they knew her and visited her . They heard how she talked to me but at least she did it to my face.

You can't fight against someone unless they talk to you. That's why I made the hard decision I am done with my son. Only 3 times in 3 years I text him . Months ago was the final time. As I had to face the fact he is done with me. Only person hurting was me but I am done letting him hurt me anymore. My husband' s death and fighting the cancer hurts me more than anything he or my daughter in law did and said.

Think that's the hardest thing to do is finally call it a day. And close the book on them. Everyone has to decide when it's the right time for them to call it a day. It's my time now. Maybe that's what my nightmares where about second guessing myself . But once I make a decision I stick to it and have done all my life. Funny enough found out thats what others with HPX are like . So it wasn't me just being weird but part of my disability.

Anyway have a good day whatever you have planned. Just a quick into the shops as it's my grandson's Christmas fair and my baking week for craft group next week. And need a few ingredients.

Take care all.

Morning all

Well, I did respond to the posts yesterday but did a Whiff and lost it. When I tried to log back in, I got a box come up saying I must push this button to verifie that's it's me re-booting, didn't push the button but when I got it again, I shut down my laptop completely. When I reloaded it said it was now reconfigurating, which I know takes for ever, so that was me done for the day

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Mr.S and youngest GC

Yes, that must have been it Smiles with my Doctor, not agreeing to my having HRT

Yes, that film was a hard watch but made you see the absolute horrors those poor young lads went through.

Spring Seems that councillor you paid for put the nail in the coffin for your relationship with your son. As Smiles has said; who are these people anyway and do they have the knowledge to help, well in your case definitely not!

I think the same scenario happened with my first marriage, we went to marriage counselling, the councillor asked my H why he was so against divorce and shortly after that our marriage was over!

It took me a full 6yrs to do what you did in 3yrs Whiff, so well done xx

Rotton day today, don't feel like going walkies, had a lovely long walk on the beach yesterday.

I'm due to go to a friend's birthday bash tonight, it's in a sort of tapas bar, it has a dance floor, but not sure I will go. Haven't seen some of the 'girls' going for years, although we keep in touch via SM a bit. The birthday girl has invited me to quite a few things over the years but owing to the fact she's moved a few miles further off, I declined saying it's a bit too far to travel, but this 'do' is back where I lived before here, so only a 20min drive away. Comfy chair watching strictly with a glass of wine, or tapas bar feeling a bit too old to be there

Wine and Strictly every time Yogin!!!
Seriously, I think we have to be careful to make sure we keep up with social contacts….estrangement has definitely caused me to withdraw more. Had coffee with an occasional friend this week. They mentioned g children - and I immediately felt myself tense up in case they asked me questions that are painful to answer. I left soon after. I know it isn’t good to avoid folk but is so often easier than facing situations like I’ve described.

Yogin I haven't been out by myself at night since my husband died. Only with someone else and then it was only with either my daughter and before the estrangement with my son and their partners.

I have gone out at night with my daughter since moving here it's only been once when we went to see Keith Brymer Jones and had a pizza first. I would never go into the city at night by myself. If I go into the city it's only during the day to the Brain Charity or train station. I find it to noisy and always get lost and it's exhausting.

Once I have had my dinner I like to put on my PJs and hoodie blanket one with arms. And cross stitch and watch TV.

What did you decide to do in the end?

Mentioning Tapas reminded me when out daughter was at uni we had come to see her as we always took her out for a meal she had booked a table at a tapas place. My husband's face was a picture as he realised it was small plates of different foods and you shared. He did not like sharing his food. It was ok when the children where young but once they had thier our meal he didn't share. We had a favourite Italian restaurant near where we lived . Food and everything about the place was lovely. The owner was Italian can't remember his name but his wife was Betty and English it was staff with his relatives who came over to learn English. Had beautiful white tablecloths. Our son was about 13 when he had Tiramisu and for no reason blow across the top of it. Yeh cocoa powder all over this white tablecloth. He forgot it was cold.

Funny how things spark memories. Madcap things always seemed to happen when I was with my husband before and after we got married. But at least I can still remember.

Spring questions about your family can be painful and unless someone else is estranged they don't understand. And of course the parents are always to blame. 🤬. When it's our children's that are to be blamed.

When you think about what our children do is a form of bullying. I was bullied enough at highschool and made sure our own children weren't. Funny enough I was invited to a school reunion must have been the 20th by one of my worst bullies I told her if I saw her I would rip her head off for what she put me through and all the others who bullied me. She said she was sorry told her that did excuse her behaviour and put the phone down. At least she didn't deny she was a bully.

For me because of this thread I do talk about my son and have said before because I can it amazed me the number of people who where estranged from children or family members. Some have said they felt ashamed but I have never felt that way because I didn't cause this he and my daughter in law did. When I asked why they felt ashamed they said because it's always the parents fault. But talking to them they realised it wasn't their fault. Money seemed to be mentioned a lot and the fact the parents had given their children lot of money to help them. Also some children turned to drugs and crime but they blamed their parents for their addiction.

I am proud of the fact both couples have got what they have with no help from me . But their own hard work and making sacrifices to beable to have what they have got. Even paying for their own weddings.

Who ever coined the phrase bank of mom and dad should be shot. We got what we have because we went without to buy our first house . We catered for our own wedding . My parents brought the food and as we where engaged for 5 years before we got married when there was a sale on dad used to buy a bottle of spirit 3 times a year. But we paid for everything else including all the party 7's. My in laws said no son of mine is having that sort of wedding. So my husband told them it was up to them if they came. First time he answered them back. They came and my father in law didn't sit with their family but mine. He said it was the best wedding he had been to. My mother in law got blind drunk on my dad's home made punch.

Have to laugh though because we hired the hall it had to be cleaned that night. Well remember sweeping the hall at midnight. I had changed out of my wedding dress before the evening reception. There where the 4 of us ,my parents and us cleaning and packing up. Mom was singing. Funny how I had forgotten that. There was lot of food left . But we always over catered. Neighbours had food parcels the next ,dad froze a lot and as we where going on honeymoon that day they had packed a box for us including a bottle of champagne.

In my family we all catered for our own weddings it's what we did same for Christening and special wedding anniversaries. We didn't have wakes it was just at the family home of whoever had died for a sandwich. It was like that until my cousin's wife died in 2018 and he had a wake at the crem hall . My cousin's wife had been estranged from her dad since he walked out on the family when they where small . He had the nerve to come to the funeral how he found out she had died no one knows but my other cousins got rid of him before my cousin saw him.

Families.🤷

One of my craft group is from Yorkshire so brought her families recipe for Parkin . Took a pic and made it yesterday for Thursday. Got a baking week as it's my baking week for craft but my grandson's Christmas fair. So making 4 pound loaf cakes. Last year made tray bakes and cut them up and wrapped separately. Making the fatless tea bread today as it's better kept before cutting. Tuesday making the rest as going out with my daughter and grandson for lunch on Wednesday as he will be 3 on Thursday. But will make the shortbread for craft group once home. Making chocolate shortbread haven't made that for years.

Well rambled on as usual. So better get have my weekly shower. Sounds awful but it exhausts me especially getting dry and having to put my cream on.

Have a good day and hope it stays dry.

Thanks Whiff - your wedding sounds fabulous, and you clearly have a busy week ahead baking 😊. I think I find it hard to talk about the E because I’m the sort of personality who always feels it must be my fault…..and therefore everyone must be blaming me. I know E is common and can’t always be solely the parent’s fault but that’s how it is for me. Not sure how I ever get past this….

Spring it's not your fault. Children choose to dump their parents ,parents don't dump children.

Please don't blame yourself I know that's easier said than done.

Did you tell your child they where a bad child or you never wanted them in your life again. No you did not . They decided parents where no longer required.

Our children think they are perfect parents ,perfect human beings but they are not. One day out grandchildren will tell their parents all the things they have and are doing wrong.

I could have written a longer email to my son telling him all this short comings as a son and all my daughter in law's faults . All the things I saw and heard that they had done wrong as parents. But I am not cruel or cowardly . I have a problem with someone I tell them to their face.

My son accused me of being vindictive and manipulative. Love to know when and how. My daughter in law wrote on Reddit FIL died to get away from MIL. Again cruel and cowardly. Especially as she never knew my husband . And my son knows his dad died in agony from cancer unable to breath.

When my son sent the email he knew I was waiting for tests on my heart as they found a problem. Mine may have a hole in it but at least I have a heart and do not hurt people for no reason.

Spring think about all the things that your child did to you . May be times they where going to visit and changed their mind at the last minute or put does they made into jokes. If you gave them money did they thank you or treat you to something nice even a bunch of flowers. If you think about it don't look at it from the view you are at fault but all they are. And you will realise you are not to blame and you are a good mom . And slowly you will realise it's not your fault. You have done the best you can and that's all anyone can do.

I spent 13 years living over 100 miles from both my children. They both left home for good 2 years after their dad died. My son to uni and my daughter back to where she went to uni. It's what I wanted. My daughter wasn't using her degree doing temp jobs and had met her future husband who was from here.

My son's future wife moved to live never him as her parents went back to where she was born the other side of the world.

They had wanted me to live closer to them for years . But had people depandant on me. So couldn't move. When I did both couples where happy. No idea why it changed . My brother recons my daughter in law is jealous because my grandsons loved coming to see me each week.

It's right my son choose his wife and children over me. But it's the way he did it. Also he has hurt my brother very much as he says what the fig did he do to him as he cut him out of his life as well. He didn't say fig.

We brought our children to face their responsibilities. My son hasn't by not telling me on my birthday I wouldn't see him or my grandson's ever again.

He did something when my husband had cancer before he was terminal and for the first I was ashamed of him. I told him never to make me ashamed of him again he promised he wouldn't . He lied.

Spring don't blame yourself. Tell yourself everyday you are not to blame and one day you will believe it.
💐

For me, the roller coaster started in 2017. I have one son and twin girls. One of my girls was estranged for a few years, until a few months after my first grandchild was born. It was almost a year before I had the courage to ask what her exact birthday was since I didn't know. I tried to open the door for talks about mistakes made, how we saw the future, what is expected of me. They were all one sided. I could tell she was going to pop out again, calls got shorter and fewer. She was pregnant with my second grandchild and I was frustrated with being left out of this joy for the second time. Because her siblings don't have kids, they just don't understand. Since August of this year, I'm not sure what she has said, but none of them talk to me now. Her sister will text back if I text her. But after years of chasing a relationship that apparently I'm the only one that wants, I'm learning how to move on,

Good evening everyone, I hope you've all had a good weekend.

You're right about needing to make the effort to keep up with social contacts Spring. It's too easy to become withdrawn and want to stay at home and keep yourself to yourself.

I'm so pleased I joined the choir and also the choir at our new church. I nearly talked myself out of joining the first one a couple of years ago, and now I think of what I'd have missed out on if I'd done so. Including starting singing lessons a year ago which I love.

I was thinking about that you said Spring about not being sure if you can ever get past this and what came to my mind was an image of two roads, running side by side. One road is the life we're living now with estrangement and the other is the estrangement itself, and everything that's associated with it. Grief, pain, anger and for many guilt that it is our fault.

I like to think that at some point for every EP there will come a time when that road will begin to veer off into another direction and take the guilt, shame and responsibility for what's happened with it.

The very act of estrangement often makes the one whose been estranged feel guilty, ashamed and responsible and if you're someone who takes responsibility regardless of whether or not you're to blame.

Don't worry about it, don't put pressure on yourself. You talk to us here and that's not always easy, especially when you post for the first time. That's why we're here because even when it isn't easy, it's still easier than talking to those we know in the real world so to speak .

Wonderful memories of your wedding Whiff, thanks for sharing them .

So, Yogin what did you do. I was imagining you out on the town last night but as long as you enjoyed your evening, it really doesn't matter how you chose to spend it does it.

We went out for a Chinese and then spent the rest of the evening listening to David Bowie; it was lovely.

Hello LakeLife and welcome to GN and the support thread. I can't begin to imagine how awful it must be to be estranged, reconcile and then be estranged again and now to be having problems with your other children too. To say I'm sorry is so inadequate but I don't what else to say.

What is the point in chasing a relationship that apparently (you're) the only one that wants? But when that relationship is with your adult child/children it's not easy to give up the chase is it.

It's good that you're learning how to move on, something that each and everyone of us here are learning to do too.

Sparkly Grandma, I don’t know who your counsellor was but she couldn't have had proper training. You never get angry or judgemental with a client.I trained as one but found it too draining, particularly when a client was on a downward path as she or he refused to acknowledge the real truth of the situation. I used to dwell on their situation, to help more. Report her, how anyone cannot see how estrangement from your family and the loss of two close family members with Christmas coming up is traumatic I don’t know. It’s so hard I know, but if you can, nurture yourself, you cannot change people or situations, when I’m really low and I still get very low and lonely as I can’t do the long list of social things I’ve always done, I remember the Serenity Prayer and every day whatever the weather or mood go out, even if a ride to the shops or a coffee, I chat to anyone that will listen, about light things, if I get a laugh or a smile that’s good. It’s too late for me and my daughter, I don’t know her now, inside she’s still my lovely girl I had for so long, nothing will change that for me, I just want her happy, yet I can’t see how she can be but it was her wish so I respect that. I have never felt any bitterness strangely, just heartbreak, now I accept what is. It takes time to accept it though and it’s a long road, but there’s lots of us on it and knowing that, we can stop blaming ourselves and take courage and encouragement from others to start to enjoy life in a different way. Do hope what I’ve said hasn’t come over as interference as it isn’t meant that way.

Spring I did go to my friend's birthday 'do', it was nice, left early at 10pm with 2 others, then when I saw the pics on FB this morning, looks like they had a great time later on, with lots of dancing. But as I wasn't drinking due to driving and had to get up fairly early to get my work together and out for that, I wasn't in such partying mood as they were with all the cocktails they were drinking. I watched strictly Sunday afternoon instead.

So sorry Lakelife we all know how you feel and that it's not your fault

As Smiles has already said; lovely memories of your wedding Whiff. When I got married, I got the giggles and the vicar said This is a solemn occasion. There after I would quote that at certain times and have a good laugh.

Glad to hear you and Mr.S had a lovely birthday meal Smiles followed by a dessert of Bowie!

Good post Allsorts. Yes, I think this estrangement does make you withdrawn, my happiest place is at home, so I quite often pass on invites. Every day I have a lovely walk in the park or on the beach and, like you, always talk to lots of people, so go home feeling good.

Thanks everyone - for understanding!
Yes does feel like is a parallel road that I can’t get away from Smiles. I think maybe I need to focus on the road I’m on and not the one next to it. So good to hear how you manage life Allsorts - such good advice and an encouragement for us all. Glad you enjoyed the party Yogin even if you missed the cocktails 😊. Welcome Lakelife. You will find good friends here who will support you in this new stage. I have only found kindness here which when you are in pain is so needed and welcome.

Lakelife sorry you have become a member of a club no parent ever thought they would join. But you came to the right place a safe place to say how you feel and know there is no judgement but help if you want it ,understanding ,advice, and most importantly friendship. As been said many times estrangement is a living grief. You grief for the loving caring child or children you knew. I know I do for my son . But not for how he is now. No idea who he is and to be honest I don't want to know.

Months ago I decided after his abusive text back I am done. Can't switch off the love for him or my 3 grandson's but I am done letting what he did hurt me anymore. My grief for my husband runs much deeper and gets worse as the years go by.

Went out with my daughter and youngest grandson on Wednesday to a lovely garden centre. Had a lovely time. I know my mobility isn't as good as it was last year and the tremors in my hands are worse especially the right. I realised my daughter was watching me when I lifted my cup for a drink and saw a I can only describe as sadness when she saw how long it took before I was still enough to take a sip. As we all do we hide our, the only word I can think of is frailties . I am not frail but couldn't think of another word . Normally I can hide and control a cup or mug but it was a big cup so couldn't hold it firmly with both hands. I had a baked potato with cheese and baked beans haven't had one for years. She brought knife,fork and spoon. She didn't know if I could use a knife. But I can't and haven't done for years. And she knows it as normally she just gives me a spoon and fork. I don't think she forgot but think she was hoping I could use one now.

Writing this has brought tears to my eyes as she worries enough about me and I do hide a lot of things. But am very independent. Did tell her thought it's the first time I haven't worried about money since her dad died and haven't had to have any money out of my savings. Which made her happy. As she said last year when my PIP got turned down and I got upset because I was worried about money that they would help me . But I said no but she made me promise if I did need help to ask. I am one of those people if I make a promise or decide to do something then I do it. Have been like it since my teens.

Been busy with my HPX group had a number of new people finding it. And have been answering questions especially a Norwegian young woman's questions as the things happening to her happened to me. And she felt alone as I did. Had lovely replies from her and told her ask anything and I and others will help .

When I described how I have to plan well ahead and how I feel if I can't do want I want. And how travelling even journeys I take weekly on the bus I have to watch for every bus stop to make sure I don't get off at the wrong stop. I know this sounds strange welcome to my world 🤣. I was told it was my anxiety never knew I had anxiety but it's one of our syptoms .

My grandson liked all his presents and I had made him a Tomte doorstop as I made his brother one last year. Even thought they have had new doors and they stick rather than being loose. But I do the same for them both. Like we always did with our children. And like I did with both couples had set amount for birthdays and Christmas same with my grandson's. But only buy for my daughter and family since the estrangement.

As usual rambled one.

Allsorts that was a lovely post and from the heart.

Anyway better get a wiggle on. I asked my neighbour to fit my new post box and he wouldn't let me pay him so going out to get couple of bottles off wine to say thank you. I can't receive anything or a kindness without giving back how I was brought up.

Take care all .

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202311/medium-207039-img-20231111-130419175.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202311/medium-50468-img-20231111-130359340.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202311/medium-740088-img-20231111-130352248.jpg

This is the Tomte