Letter to my mother

All sorts, my family is doing very well, we get closer every day, thanks for your concern

Have a wonderful day

What is it you want, is it validation, is it sympathy, understanding for a situation others see one side of, if you have cut someone off, how has it achieved anything if it’s your sole
preoccupation and results in such negativity.. What is happening to your partners and families whilst this is fore most in every thought? It can’t be something you just put in a box and pull out for messaging, it’s there in your head

constantly,. How has cutting off helped? It is unresolved. If it were, you would not think about it. I think it needs confronting and it seems sad that after a poor childhood you are still punishing yourselves, letting it affect your well being. It sounds as if the people you estranged have others that see them, I don’t know whether you see them or not. You let go for a reason, a last resort, so there’s no fixing, they won’t change, the past won’t either. I know a lot of people have counselling for years, all that does is open wounds, I heard some actress saying she couldn't go on without her therapy would need it all her life, I guess a lot do that, but why?
Life is too short to try to change the past. Embrace the now, who and what you have.
I am saying this as an older woman, I look back and see how fast my life has gone, my parents and family gone now and my husband. I was fortunate with the people in my life, I never expected perfection because I’m far from it myself and how boring would that have been anyway, but I miss them. It’s all gone with the blink of an eye looking back. Don’t waste what you do have.
.

I read a quote today, it said:

Some people hate you for the way other people love you

And doesn't that just sum up an abusive parent? They hate those who have qualities they cannot aspire too. They hate your innocence, your youth, your energy, your passions, your empathy and your ability to be loved exactly as you are.

They just haven't realised they had a choice to go about life the hard way, trying to be compassionate, stamping down the negative emotions, driving away jealousy and anger and impatience. They took the easy option and trapped themselves in an endless spiral of covering up their own shame denouncing responsibility and accountability

Yet we know life is happier the hard way

VS, when the time comes I will definitely be relying on my husband to make sure she doesn't come back into my life. He has a similar situation so we are that person for each other. Just gotta remember that getting sick doesn't make an abusive person suddenly realize they were wrong or want to change. Usually if someone reaches out when they fall ill it's because they want help.

Amber thank you so much. I do feel like the healing is genuine. It is hard to tell when I've been raised to think that "moving on" is the only way forward. Talking about the past is throwing family under the bus from family's perspective. So it's good to allow myself this space to say what I want to say.

VS having read a lot of your comments about your mother, I hope so too. You’ve always approached the situation with empathy and grace, but the boundaries you’ve set yourself are clearly benefitting you!

Helen this was beautiful to read, strange as it may sound. You’re doing the work, as they say in therapy, and the fact you feel confident sharing your thoughts and experiences here suggests you’re genuinely starting to heal. Ignore anyone who would prefer you brush it aside or gaslight yourself - you know your feelings and you get to take care of yourself the way you need.

I hope I have the strength to say no when the time comes, I recently told someone I didn't have a mother and left it at that

Thank you Loveandpositivity1. I appreciate your comments.

I don't have the added cultural pressure you describe, but I already dread when my mother eventually gets sick. I know what my decision would be if I was asked for help, but I also know it will kick up new guilt when I have to say no. I think a lot of members of my family who haven't contacted me about this will have something to say then.

My phone's block feature will be getting a massive workout when that happens.

Guilt!! I struggle with that a lot. From an Indian background my "job" is to be taking care of my elderly parents which I am not doing. Oh the shame in that! I keep having to change those thoughts when they arise within.

I have been NC with my mother for some months now. The damage of not being seen and heard is severe even when one understands why their parent behaved that way. I see it now as a blessing as it means I can NOT repeat this damage to my own children. I hope you felt better after writing your letter. Best wishes

One of the harder parts of estrangement for me now is finding the things that feel 'ruined' and trying to heal them again.

I have favorite TV shows from when I was younger that are feel poisoned from watching them with my mother. There's one show that I loved to watch in the fall but I'm not sure I will be able to feel good about it again. I've been thinking about it the last few days and think may give it a try again because it has been a while now.

My birthday is in the fall, and I can never get up the energy to do anything about it. My husband goes overboard every year of course, but I have a lot of sadness around it. I never felt special or celebrated growing up and it still feels wrong to celebrate myself or want to be celebrated.

I feel guilty when I get rid of things she has given me. I did a lot of that early during estrangement, but I still find things occasionally. When I first moved from her house I tried to give her the bible she gave be when I was a child back. She cried because I didn't want to keep it. It had her handwriting after all, and wouldn't I want that handwriting after she died?

I was still in deep then, so I gave up and packed it. First thing after I cut her off it was in the dumpster. She should have taken it back when I offered.

I wish I could just reset my brain sometimes, or write over the terrible memories with new ones. I'm over the person she is now, but not over how she failed me in the past. It does get less painful as time passes and considering it took decades to get here, I'm being patient with myself.

Abusive people hate No Contact absolutely, they may think they want someone out of their life but when they've gone they have to find another victim and finding one may not be as easy as they think.

It is a worry though when you think someone you love may be the next target, if they're not already of course.

Helen .

Smileless2012, I'm glad you're not upset.

Wow, that's a huge compliment VioletSky. I'm so happy for you!

I have heard similar from my loved ones and I feel it about myself too. Especially over the last few months.

It's very heartwarming to feel that love from someone and return it.

Helen

Abusive people absolutely hate No Contact, as much as they will still get supply by playing victim and telling everyone how awful you are and as much as they look for other outlets for their own "sensitivities" as you put it... They will never get over the fact that you ultimately won and they can't hurt you anymore... I am glad you have taken your power back

My adult son was telling me to the other day, that he has noticed so many positive changes in me since I estranged, that I was always a good mum but that I have really grown as a person and a parent

That absolutely meant the world to me

Whose upset? If that was in response to my post I'm not upset bu if I think someone maybe because of what I've posted I'm not dismissive of their feelings.

I think everyone whose had experience of abusive people have learned that everything's about them, even when it isn't. I totally agree about how tiring it is to constantly feel the need to justify ones feelings time and time again and/or to try and ignore the abuse for the sake of keeping the peace.

Walking on eggshells and biting one's tongue leave you in a constant state of anxiety in case despite your best efforts, you stand accused.

There is peace to be found in estranging and being estranged, it just takes time in some cases to realise that you really are better off without them.

The problem with abusive people is that they think everything is about them and even when you explain it isn't, they think it should be about them.

That's my experience as well. It is very tiring to justify my feelings over and over to keep the peace.

My mom's narrative was that I was too sensitive, and that's what I believed about myself for a long time. But really, her entire personality is trying to compensate for her own sensitivities. So I'm working on not catering to others so much when expressing my own feelings.

The problem with abusive people is that they think everything is about them and even when you explain it isn't, they think it should be about them. You aren't allowed to be sad or stressed or anxious around them as they will take it personally whether it is about them or not. Often in revenge for you having your own life and feelings meaning you can't constantly pander to their need for attention... they will punish you for that by telling you it's your own fault.

Abusive people never let you recover either. You aren't allowed any space or time away from them. When they aren't getting the attention they need from you and you start shutting down and backing away... they you might get an angry "sorry" immediately followed by a short burst of love bombing and then by anger that you haven't gotten over it yet.

This is why we eventually go no contact, because we cannot ever heal and recover in that relationship.

EACs, you are not responsible for the feelings of your parents. They are adults who can and should make their own effort to comfort themselves.

Guilt is such a powerful emotion and will control you. My own personal thoughts were poisoned for decades, agonizing over how my every move made HER feel. Guilt is a weapon in the hands of an abusive person. Everything they say is another grab at control.

The damage to me hasn't been totally undone yet, but letting go of guilt is clearing the way.

Everything you say or do will be "wrong" to an abusive person and that's okay. It will take time to be able to brush it off, but that day will come of you learn to advocate for yourself despite how others feel about that.

That's okay. I don't need you to understand. Have a wonderful day though!

I really don't understand why you continue to post on a public forum if this is your attitude

Fair or not, it's how I feel. I gave many warnings about what content is here.

Helenwaspushed

I'm sorry you're upset.

My thread isn't about your feelings though. So I will leave my response at that.

It really isn't fair to make lengthy posts which are likely to stir up upsetting emotions in readers and then just blandly say your thread isn't about other people's feelings

I finished "Mothers Who Can't Love" by Susan Forward, which I quoted earlier.

If an EAC only reads one book, this should be it. It lays out all kinds of strategies for how to set boundaries and protect yourself. The last few chapters are especially good and useful. It has very practical info about how to speak to an unloving parents. There are also strategies for maintaining contact if that's what a person wants.

I'm considering my options for what to start next but I haven't decided yet.

I'm sorry you're upset.

My thread isn't about your feelings though. So I will leave my response at that.

A loving mother would be would be very concerned if their child felt hurt enough to cut them off very concerned doesn't begin to describe how loving parents feel when their child estranges them.

Devastated, distraught and heartbroken barely describe what estrangement does to a loving parent.

No one can do better than their best, it's ridiculous well yes sometimes it is Allsorts. We see posts here in GN from EAC who accept that their parent(s) did their best, who as adults have learned about their parents history which doesn't excuse how they parented, but explains why they were/are the parents they become.

Estrangement was the best and only course of action but that doesn't mean in some cases that they didn't do the best they could, which some EAC do acknowledge.

We've been in the receiving end of dismissive comments too, not from family or friends thankfully, but from random person that thinks they have a say which can be a downside to a forum like GN.

You must have said/done something
There's no smoke without fire
Children don't estrange loving parents
Only abused children estrange
But he's your son
What about unconditional love.

Unconditional love and being an estranged parent aren't mutually exclusive. We love our ES in spite of what he's put us through and that's what unconditional love is, just as EAC can continue to love the parent(s) they've estranged in spite of what they put them through.