Letter to my mother

Crazy Horse, don't question yourself, you did your best, if that's not good enough, you can't beat yourself up. No one can do better than their best, it's ridiculous.

Debs8

I don't. This is the first place I've ever talked about it online. I'm a little fearful of what being more open personally would mean. I have members of my family that might harm me if certain details were shared. I think it's an irrational fear (these people are cowards) but it's what I'm dealing with.

So true Helen

I've never met a good mother who wasn't constantly questioning themselves and trying to grow

Helenwaspushed Is there a forum/website where you share your insights and information with other estranged adult daughters and sons?

In the last few months I have taken in so much new and useful information about trauma, what it does to children, and how to undo the damage. Many people cannot or will not ever understand my perspective. If you are triggered by talk of bad mothering, do not read because I am not being delicate here. It's an ugly and intense topic.

My blood boils when I hear certain phrases that I've heard my whole life because I recognize them as gaslighting tactics. I can't unsee it now.

They all follow a similar unwritten game plan to maintain their image and continue to exert control over their children.

Here's a list of some of the dismissive and harmful things that have been said to me either by my mom, other family members, or any random person that thinks they have a say. These are in the context of trying to address an issue in the relationship:

"I don't remember that conversation"
"That's not what I said"
"You know I had good intentions"
"Only you can control how you feel about that"
"Dont dwell on the past"
"I prefer to move forward"
"I just want what's best for you"
"But she's your mother"
"She sacrificed so much for you"
"She tried her best"
"But she loves you"

I would also like to note that a mother isn't a loving mother just because she thinks so. I've never known a bad mother who would ever admit it. It's frustrating that mothers can and do call their children spoiled, ungrateful, selfish, hateful, etc but then call themselves loving. A loving mother would be very concerned if their child felt hurt enough to cut them off. And I don't mean concerned in a "something must be wrong with them" kind of way. So many people blame children estranging on the child's "mental health" but don't stop to consider how it got that way in any meaningful way.

My mom didn't love me enough to reflect on herself or attempt to see her own behavior as anything less than perfect. Or when she was fake apologizing she "did her best". Someone best isn't always good enough. Unfortunately when you're caring for a developing child, your best can still cause lifelong harm. Maybe we shouldn't always be content with our best and instead strive for better.

Another great quote from Susan Forward (different book)

People can forgive toxic parents, but they should do it at the conclusion—not at the beginning—of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over the fact that they never had the parental love they yearned for. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them.

Oh my gosh - this is all so intense. I’m wondering now whether I was/am a good mother - all I can say is, I did/do my best.

I meant "live" but "love" also applies.

When I was a kid I was so busy surviving I didn't get to love. Now I'm processing all of the things I couldn't. That's moving forward. I've been told not to dwell on the past before, coincidentally by the very same people who inflicted the pain I'm supposed to forget.

Maybe it does come down to personality.

People take different paths to happiness

As long as those paths aren't unhealthy or harmful to others, it doesn't matter which way you go

That was good advice eddiecat. Sometimes especially following a bereavement, we can feel guilty if we laugh but we shouldn't. Life is for living and it isn't always easy, but we need to find happiness in what we do have because we owe it to ourselves and those that love us to do so.

I think there is sometimes little understanding about the effect of abuse on a growing child's brain.

An abused child will be missing neural pathways that would grow in a healthy environment.

As an adult, some new pathways can be grown and also those who were abused as children can teach their brains to divert around missing pathways.

If no one has ever met a child with something like say, severe attachment disorder, from being emotionally neglected as a baby, they probably wouldn't understand just how much harm there is a potential for in growing brains.

So I have so much respect for those adults who are working towards healing that harm away and working towards being the healthy happy adult they would have been with a good childhood... because some of those children will never do that work and will continue to repeat those cycles

In my early 20s I had a serious bout of depression. I read everything I could find to try to work out why, and what to do. But I got no better. One day someone gently suggested I might feel better if I read something that made me laugh instead. They were absolutely right. It's fine to educate yourself but its important to recognise you can't change the past and start concentrating on more pleasurable things instead

I think so too DL. It hurts no one and makes life so much better for you and those you spend your time with.

Urmstongran

And also about the type of personality one has DiamondLily. That makes a huge difference I think.

Well, I've always took the view that the best "revenge" is to be happy.

And, I have been, until recently.

But that's nothing to do with my childhood. 🙂

And also about the type of personality one has DiamondLily. That makes a huge difference I think.

Urmstongran

We all deal with childhood traumas in different ways I guess.
However, picking at a scab will always make it bleed, hurting all over again and that was never appealing to me.

Nor me, but I guess it's about whatever floats your boat.🤔

I'm more for the here and now, which has always worked best for me. But, we are all different.🙂

We all deal with childhood traumas in different ways I guess.
However, picking at a scab will always make it bleed, hurting all over again and that was never appealing to me.

Hello Helen.

Wow. What a brave lady you are. Sending you 💐❤️. Keep going, healing can be a long haul but it's worth the slog. It's good that you have a supportive husband. A loving nurturing spouse or partner are worth their weight in gold.

I wont go into details here but I had a less than idyllic childhood. In my case it was my father who was shall we just say "difficult". My first husband was a good man but not the right man but he did help me overcome some of my self esteem issues. But it was my second husband who really nurtured me and it was his unconditional love and unwavering support which finally enabled me to blossom.

There is always light at the end of the darkest tunnel, you might not always see it but it's there.

A favourite quote of mine is from Michael Caine. He said "never look back in anger, always look forward in hope and never dream small". A great life mantra.

Keep faith and keep dreaming. ❤️

Good for you moving forward with your own struggles.

Every day we are learning and growing.

Being mindful of others is so important. I was disappointed in myself for getting so annoyed with other posters comments, but realise now that is their way of venting their feelings and not for me to worry about.

We are all on our own journey in life. All wanting peace and happiness.

Enjoy xx

Secret, thanks for the message. I hope you're doing well.

I'm in therapy (individual and group trauma therapy) and have been for many years. Before I started therapy there were layers of untreated issues (anorexia, depression, anxiety, and finally bipolar 2) before I got into the trauma part. I'm grateful to be in the place that I am now mentally. In 2020 I had to take leave from work and was in bed for almost a solid month before I could get myself together at all.

When I say I care about what internet strangers think, I was trying to say that I'm trying to learn to take up space. I know my experiences aren't super welcome here and I know that some people may find my word choice hurtful even though I'm only speaking for myself. For me, taking back my voice in this small anonymous way feels freeing. I am just angry that speaking my mind is so difficult for me mentally.

I do flip flop between whether sharing here feels helpful or hurtful. I'm just trying not to judge the ways I cope right now while some more alarming memories are surfacing.

I have a loving and supportive husband who is dealing with similar struggles and it's nice to have a place to share that doesn't place any emotional burden on him right now. Even if I'm mostly talking to myself. 😂

HWP,

That’s so much pain you are carrying.

Have you tried therapy or ways of healing that work for you?

It’s good you are sharing your feelings anonymously in a place that understands.

I’ve found though that this site isn’t always the best or safest place to share your feelings or heal in a healthy way.

Unfortunately words you write can be misunderstood if they don’t know your whole story or accept people have different points of view and experience of life.

You were very supportive to me on another thread and I really did appreciate that.

What I’ve learnt is that you must love and heal yourself first before you can give to others in a positive way and from a loving place.

Maybe your Mum wasn’t capable, but you are! So do what makes you happy and if over time you heal you may find your feelings become easier to manage.

Be kind to yourself and go and do something that makes you smile on this Friday xx

It just occurred to me how much I think and care about how others feel about me. Even strangers on the internet who don't know my real first name. I don't even feel safe to think about some things privately. That's so messed up.

Some truths I'm telling today:

My mom was a coward.
My mom failed me.
None of the pain she went through justifies passing the pain to me.
I don't feel sorry for her.
I don't want her to be happy because she doesn't deserve it.
I'm angry because I have to do so much hard work and feel so much pain because she couldn't handle any of it herself.
Making 'selfish' decisions is okay and doesn't make me a bad person.
Understanding her and empathizing with her experiences does not require me to forgive her mistakes or have a relationship with her.
She was a terrible mother who failed me in every way.

One more quote from "Mother's Who Can't Love" for the internet black hole

"...many daughters may never have given themselves permission to even 'consider' changing the relationship with their mothers, because they didn't think they had the right to do it."

This is your sign to give yourself permission to examine the relationship and make a decision for your own well-being. As painful as initiating low contact or no contact can be, it's worth the peace.

I'm working on accepting the reality of who my mom was to me and how that has affected me. Right now I am reading "Mothers Who Can't Love" by Susan Forward. I wanted to share some quotes and my ramblings. Hopefully my ramblings can be insightful to someone lurking.

This book and my responses are not written for the parent, so please skip if you may find it offensive. I shouldn't have to make that disclaimer given the book title and this thread's content but there it is.

"Realizing that your mother couldn’t love you is one of the most painful discoveries you’ll ever make. You deserved to be cherished, but your mother was a disturbed, unhappy woman who took out her frustrations on you. And it wasn’t your fault."

My thoughts: This is a difficult truth for me. The idea that all mothers love their children is deeply ingrained. I notice myself undermining my own personal thoughts and feelings in defense of her. Even now.

"Remember that you always have the right to be treated with respect, and to protest unfair treatment or criticism. It’s vital to reinforce those rights with boundaries."

My thoughts: This is true of all personal relationships, but my mother programmed me to believe I didn't deserve to set boundaries.

"The great common denominator among women with unloving mothers is the longing for validation—to find someone who will say, “Yes, what you experienced really happened. Yes, your feelings are justified. I understand.'"

My thoughts: I would add that I had to accept that my mother will never be the one to give that validation to me. Everyone needs and wants that, but typically parents would be the ones to give it. Especially early in life.