Letter to my mother

Thank you for sharing.
It’s wonderful you have been so strong and on your healing journey.

Well said, Smileless2012.

Everybody deserves to feel heard and understood.

Knowing that others have had similar experiences is I agree healing. Knowing that you are not alone and there's no need to feel guilt or shame really aids the healing process.

It is both hurtful and harmful when you're not believed and the finger of blame and responsibility is pointed at you, because all any of us can do is tell our own stories and hope that by sharing we can help others as well as help ourselves.

Sorry for the wall, but I didn't answer your question. 😂

I talk about it now because reading others experiences through forums and books has been so healing. I want other people who may be less comfortable with shutting down harmful comments to read this perspective.

49Justbecause

I don't mind sharing more. I will keep it vague but trigger warning about abuse for anyone reading it.

Since cutting her off she has sent a few letters, but she didn't say anything she hadn't been saying to me for years. It was upsetting at the time because I felt like my boundaries were being violated. I think a letter from her now would just end up in the trash.

This has been a super long process for me. I was abused in every sense by my father as a young kid. However, I remembered none of it until I had been in therapy for 2 years already. That came back along with some very alarming memories with my mom where I think she intended to kill us both. I also started to openly recognize that I am an atheist and that stirred up a lot of issues that we couldn't overcome. She downplayed mental health as a real issue even before I said anything to my therapist about her.

At this point I cut her off.

My healing process didn't start for real until she was out of my life. Her presence in my life kept me from recognizing the negative perceptions of myself that she spent my whole life planting. Once that filter of myself through her eyes was lifted, I started coming to terms with the abuse. My mother is so against mental health treatment and would have denied anything I said about my experiences if it meant she wouldn't look like a bad mom. Hearing someone say your traumas didn't happen or were just "your perception" would have been so damaging to me while I was working to accept and believe myself.

Hi Helen,

Thank you for posting your pov it is very much appreciated.

There is so much more support and intelligence available now so that you don’t make the same mistakes with your family.

I hope you will be very happy and positive about your choices in life.

Has your Mom been in touch as you’d said you’d cut off two years ago. I just wondered what made you want to reflect on your situation recently? I hope you don’t mind me asking?

Thank you

34Sallysnan

Daughter yes, mother no. If I make the decision to bring someone into the world, or into my home, and be their protector, that's an obligation I take seriously.

I owe nothing to a mother who doesn't love me. There were loads of chances to mend the relationship and now they're used up. She can find help with others because I don't exist for her anymore.

Hetty 58

Needing to fake the appropriate emotions is something we know too well. It's also exhausting. It's part of why I made the decision to cut it off. My real reactions and emotions weren't ever welcome. I also discovered my autism and ADHD recently and that's made it even clearer to me how toxic that relationship was.

You didn't have the access I now have (as an adult with my own insurance and income). I understand what happened and why. I understand that life was hard for you as it was for me. I'm sorry you never moved beyond that

If your mother - or daughter - was ill in hospital, and money was needed for a particular procedure / operation, or else they might die, would you offer to pay (using your *own income*)?

Counselling, you imply, helped you. Perhaps it might have helped someone else, if they’d had the money?

Helenwaspushed, yes, I have some things to say. One sibling (older) denies any abuse, the other (younger) remembers it all too well.

I felt absolutely nothing but relief when my mother died - not a shred of grief - quite a surprise. I did feel sorry for the grieving older sibling, though. In order to behave acceptably, I had to fake sadness for the funeral and wake - really weird.

If that's what you perceive, that's totally valid. Maybe that is what I'm doing.

I'm sure you do not mean to but you do appear to be trying to provoke a negative response purely in order to be able to say it doesn't bother you!

I suggested I might get invalidating comments because of the invalidating comments on other threads that have a similar sentiment. Maybe you wouldn't call them invalidating comments but I do and I can only speak for myself.

I'm not making accusations towards anyone in particular other than my own mother. I think asking to forego invalidating comments is totally reasonable, but it's not within my power to control how anyone feels about it. If any one person that I've never met feels targeted because of it, hopefully that will encourage some self-reflection.

No reason why you should be threatened by other threads on this forum Helenwaspushed. If you were, you wouldn't have posted here yourself.

You seem to be pre-empting intolerance where none has been shown. I see no sign of anyone negating your experience. I trust you would show the same respect to any estranged parent who wished to share their truth

I appreciate that advice. I understand inviting that perspective is risky but they would give it anyway.

I've read a lot of the threads on this forum. I'm not threatened by it. If someone were to respond in a way my mom might, it will be more validating than anything because the patterns are obvious. The attempts at invalidation have the opposite effect for me.

But to any other AC here, tread carefully if you aren't at that point.

That's very sad biglouis . Writing a letter that's never sent really can be very beneficial and avoids any unpleasantness from the 'recipient' because they never get to read it.

I've written one or two myself.

Helen

Watch out saying "if you have something to say"
Another war can erupt in no time with no resolution- has happened before

Thank you all for the kind comments.

To clarify, I shared this letter for other people in my position who can't do the same. It is hard to write or even think negative things about my mother. So I'm taking my power back.

Please, if you have something to say then say it. But know that it won't serve any purpose from my perspective.

Helenwaspushed thank you for sharing with us and giving your perspective which I am sure many will find helpful. Although painful I hope writing this all done was cathartic. All the best.

I can't imagine ever having a hurting child come to me and just dismissing them.

I once said something along these lines to my mother and was told I was a liar and a fraud and that I remembered my childhood all wrong. My sister supported my mothers argument and I walked out of the house and never saw or spoke to my mother again. She died just over a year later.

My childhood experiences were later validated by a very straight talking friend who told me she remembered me coming into school with black bruises on my arms in the clear form of finger prints.

That letter screams peace to me

Congrats, OP! Beautiful

Helenwaspushed - I’m so glad you didn’t send that letter. I hope writing it down has helped and you have found some peace.

I've read it with tears in my eyes.

And with huge gratitude, that this a letter I would never have had to send to my mother, and that my daughters will hopefully never send to me.

So much pain and sadness, I can't possibly imagine. I won't comment further.