Sign up to Gransnet Daily
Our free daily newsletter full of hot threads, competitions and discounts
Subscribe
OP probably read some comments on the forum somewhere that were upsetting
Maybe ensuring her post stays positive would help
Sometimes a person just wants to be seen. It’s clear - can’t we show a bit of compassion? All those other estrangement stories from the other perspective tell the gory details. This is just a simple letter written by someone who is hurting. Be generous please.
I agree eazybee. I find it rather distasteful to have published this to the world.
You should have written it, then destroyed it, not put it on a public forum with caveats as to what people can and cannot say, in case it 'invalidates your experience', whatever that means.
Half a story.
Helen glad you where able to put your feelings down in writing. But why would you think an estranged parent would evaluated your personal experience? What you have experienced at the hands of your mom is awful. As an estranged parent through no choice of my own . I would never say your estranging your mom was wrong. It's what you had to do to protect yourself and your family. I understand that. But please don't brand all estranged parents as the villains . We aren't we are victims just as much as you are.
Glad you are living the life you should have for years and are happy . And long may you do so.
I should have written a letter too. I didn't estrange, though - just mentally blocked out the dialogue, I suppose.
I was assigned a certain role/personality/identity, first by my parents, then by partners and husbands (even friends) - for so long, that only in the last decade (my sixties) have I been free to be my real self - at last!
I don't feel that failure to live up to anyone's expectations any more.
I actually did send my letter and did get an awful lot of invalidation and denial in return
I hope it has helped you to write and share it here and I think your decision not to send it a good one
It can be very cathartic writing a letter, putting your thoughts and feelings in writing, even if the letter is never sent.
I hope you've found this to be the case Helenwaspushed and that if you decide to do the same sidelined you'll find it beneficial too.
I hope you now have your much longed for peace OP
Helenwaspushed it’s very brave to post this but I’m glad you have. I want to write something very similar but I suspect we both know sending a letter won’t make a bit of difference to the situation. So, you’ve made your decision and I applaud you for taking the step to put yourself first. I hope this is a turning point for you. Good luck 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️❤️
The following is a letter to my mother that will not be sent. I went NC with her two years ago, and will never reopen that communication again. Please know that I will not debate my personal situation with the estranged parents on this forum. Any attempts to invalidate my experiences will be ignored. I am offering this in hopes that the estranging child's POV will be more represented here.
"It is okay that we don't see eye-to-eye. I am at peace with that. I have learned so much about childhood trauma, the mother wound, and my own mental health. I wish I could share this growth with you so that you could heal from your own traumas.
I know you're hurting, but that hurting started long before you had children. You didn't have the access I now have (as an adult with my own insurance and income). I understand what happened and why. I understand that life was hard for you as it was for me. I'm sorry you never moved beyond that.
You tried your best, but our relationship was unsustainable for both of us. I was your everything, and I couldn't take it anymore. The decision to move on from our relationship was so difficult. I don't want this, but I know it's right. My idea of family has changed. I need to surround myself with people who validate my experiences and support my life direction. You hurt me irreparably when you discounted a decade of my hard work and dedication to defend a conspiracy theory. Your refusal to acknowledge the pain I went through or your faults as a mother make repairing our relationship impossible.
I spent my childhood taking care of you, although I know you don't see it that way. I feel like we spent our whole relationship trying to change each other. It was my job to keep you happy after the divorce. I spent my childhood as your emotional caretaker.
When I moved away I realized that I didnt have my own identity. It was so wrapped up in who you needed me to be.
I have my own life and I am my own person now. The political climate was shown me how different we are fundamentally. When I started to live my values, you tightened you grip on me. My whole being rejects the beliefs that you taught me, and you couldn't let me go. I had to choose between what is right for the world and what is right for my mother. If I hadn't met my husband and experienced unconditional love for the first time, you and I would still be in this cycle. I realize now that although we are mother and daughter, you have never been a mom to me and I don't owe you more of my life.
I hope you find peace in time. I hope you reach out and find a community to support you. I accept whatever blame you need to place on me in order to find your healing. I don't need or want that accountability from you. If my happiness is what you want, know that I've found it. The decision is made, and we will never speak again. I'm no longer a daughter."
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
