Gifts to GC when estranged

I’ll go a step farther Violet. Estrangement can be love. Love for ones children and future generations that they aren’t exposed to and forced to recover from them experience do knowing certain relatives. Gone are the days of “oh they’re a horrible person but they’re grandpa !!” So we put up with them and visit that experience onto the next generation and thank goodness for that. Our children are grown , and when we walked away from our toxic family it was almost unheard of. And we were subjected to many “well yes she’s awful but it’s the grandma !” From well meaning. People. As if being a grandmother is a pass at being unwell and toxic. Thank goodness younger generations are learning to value their own worth more and the worth of their children that they can be spared such experiences.

VioletSky

Granniesunite

Please don't describe my children as "weapons". They are not objects of any kind, they are people who deserve to have healthy relationships. All children have the right to remain free from harm and respect is due to any parent upholding that right

Not fallin for that VS

VioletSky

I think you will need to justify why my perceptions would somehow be more coloured than anyone else's "Smileless" because I no longer bring my situation here or to any other discussion. It was brought here by you and others in an attempt to dismiss me

It won't work

As for sending a lifetime of birthday cards all at once, I fail to see a positive outcome from that... Especially if it is left in the will

Feelings could be hurt because they are unwanted or feelings could be hurt because there is no one to reach out to to thank. 2 potential causes of harm

Yes feelings could be hurt. Or - the recipient could be overjoyed to know they weren't forgotten on their birthday. It could go either way but adults are entitled to know the truth and decide how they feel about it.
You are determined to see these memory boxes as unquestionably bad. They aren't.

simply make

You did VS when you posted about their being no magic that can make an abusive parent a non abusive GP, and when you posted about your children making their own decisions about their GM.

No one has brought your situation here in an attempt to dismiss you. Statements like that simple make it difficult to engage with you

I can see that you fail to see anything positive in what EGP's are proposing to do, but we do see it as positive which is why we'll be doing it.

Granniesunite

Please don't describe my children as "weapons". They are not objects of any kind, they are people who deserve to have healthy relationships. All children have the right to remain free from harm and respect is due to any parent upholding that right

Perhaps your son is piggy in the middle that’s why he is lashing out at you simply because he can because his experience is you’ve always been there for him no matter what he did

That is a thought provoking point that may well be useful for the OP and others.

VioletSky

Estrangement is always acceptable, no one is entitled to any relationship.

The question of whether estrangement is justified is different and the best way to avoid it is to remove the justification... That won't prevent all estrangements but it will prevent many

Abuse I think is the only valid reason to estrange.

If you don’t like your family then stay away yourself but don’t weaponise your children.

It’s unhealthy for them.

I think you will need to justify why my perceptions would somehow be more coloured than anyone else's "Smileless" because I no longer bring my situation here or to any other discussion. It was brought here by you and others in an attempt to dismiss me

It won't work

As for sending a lifetime of birthday cards all at once, I fail to see a positive outcome from that... Especially if it is left in the will

Feelings could be hurt because they are unwanted or feelings could be hurt because there is no one to reach out to to thank. 2 potential causes of harm

Estrangement may always be acceptable to the one estranging but shouldn't be expected to be acceptable to the one(s) being estranged.

Of course it isn't eddie and it's ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

Of course our perceptions are coloured by our own experiences but I honestly think this more prevalent in you VS; why else bring abusive parents into the discussion?

Please try and listen. No one here is talking about passing on potentially harmful messages. We have birthday and Christmas cards for everyone of our GC's birthdays and Christmas'. The majority of birthday cards have the appropriate age and apart from each having a 'first Christmas card' the Christmas cards are simply for a grandson's Christmas.

The messages we've written inside are 'Happy Birthday/Christmas lots of love from Grandma ....... and Grandad ...... where is the potential harm?

Estrangement is always acceptable, no one is entitled to any relationship.

The question of whether estrangement is justified is different and the best way to avoid it is to remove the justification... That won't prevent all estrangements but it will prevent many

Bridie22

I suggest VS you stop suggesting, I for one are no longer listening to you !

Quite right. You know in your heart what you are doing is right.💐

eddiecat78

I don't agree that letting someone know they are loved is passing down pain. It is actually making sure that the "child" realises that they deserve to be loved.

Of course it is. Who knows what goes through a child’s mind when they hears others talking about time spent with granny or grandad. Why don’t they?

Love is always be acceptable estrangement is most definitely not.

That's probably not the most mature response

I am only answering comments put to me, without them I would have nothing left to say...

I suggest VS you stop suggesting, I for one are no longer listening to you !

I have already said I have done so for future generations of my own family

I think you are muddying the waters a bit there

For anyone to say that my perceptions are coloured by my estrangement, then the same is true of each of you. You can have it both ways or neither

But is it not your own relatives that matter here? And if the messages you relay to them are potentially harmful, why not simply do as I suggest and pass on photos and heirlooms without any of your feelings attached?

I don't agree that letting someone know they are loved is passing down pain. It is actually making sure that the "child" realises that they deserve to be loved.

You're not listening VS. No one has any intentions of making a scenario about their hurt feelings. We are talking about memory boxes as an expression of the love we had during our life time for the GC we never knew.

Your introduction of their being no magic that stops an abusive parent being an abusive GP is offensive VS. There are no abusive parents posting here.

VioletSky

Also, explaining healthy boundaries and behaviours here really doesn't impact my mother

Maybe she is on an alternate forum somewhere and someone is explaining it to her but she obviously isn't listening as her behaviours remain ongoing and unchanged according to other family members who thankfully don't have to be in her company much

This is where in my opinion you are different to the other posters .

You post only from your own experience which I’m sure was awful but it was *your *experience . The rest of us try to see it from the others point of view.

Perhaps if you listened ???

I would suggest having some sort of bereavement counselling and dealing with your own pain, not passing it down

What about the EAC who cannot look beyond their own experience with their parents, and I am not talking about abuse here, so stop their children from having a relationship with their GP's VS?

EGC who never met their EGP's or if they did, were too young to remember, have no memories of them do they, so how can they be remembered less fondly.

As you say, you have "no feelings or needs tied up in this" but EP's and EGP's posting here and on other estrangement threads do, and a little consideration of those feeling and needs from those not in this awful situation, wouldn't go amiss.

Those estranging a parent because that parent is abusive absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt that no magic occurs that stops an abusive person being abusive when a grandchild is born

As for those who estrange parents because they are under the influence of an abusive spouse... Those children in today's society will likely wake up to that abuse one day... So making the scenario about your hurt feelings when they are dealing with that will only add to their pain. It will not undo it

Also, explaining healthy boundaries and behaviours here really doesn't impact my mother

Maybe she is on an alternate forum somewhere and someone is explaining it to her but she obviously isn't listening as her behaviours remain ongoing and unchanged according to other family members who thankfully don't have to be in her company much