Gifts to GC when estranged

I don't agree that letting someone know they are loved is passing down pain. It is actually making sure that the "child" realises that they deserve to be loved.

I think you are muddying the waters a bit there

For anyone to say that my perceptions are coloured by my estrangement, then the same is true of each of you. You can have it both ways or neither

But is it not your own relatives that matter here? And if the messages you relay to them are potentially harmful, why not simply do as I suggest and pass on photos and heirlooms without any of your feelings attached?

I have already said I have done so for future generations of my own family

I suggest VS you stop suggesting, I for one are no longer listening to you !

That's probably not the most mature response

I am only answering comments put to me, without them I would have nothing left to say...

eddiecat78

I don't agree that letting someone know they are loved is passing down pain. It is actually making sure that the "child" realises that they deserve to be loved.

Of course it is. Who knows what goes through a child’s mind when they hears others talking about time spent with granny or grandad. Why don’t they?

Love is always be acceptable estrangement is most definitely not.

Bridie22

I suggest VS you stop suggesting, I for one are no longer listening to you !

Quite right. You know in your heart what you are doing is right.💐

Estrangement is always acceptable, no one is entitled to any relationship.

The question of whether estrangement is justified is different and the best way to avoid it is to remove the justification... That won't prevent all estrangements but it will prevent many

Of course it isn't eddie and it's ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

Of course our perceptions are coloured by our own experiences but I honestly think this more prevalent in you VS; why else bring abusive parents into the discussion?

Please try and listen. No one here is talking about passing on potentially harmful messages. We have birthday and Christmas cards for everyone of our GC's birthdays and Christmas'. The majority of birthday cards have the appropriate age and apart from each having a 'first Christmas card' the Christmas cards are simply for a grandson's Christmas.

The messages we've written inside are 'Happy Birthday/Christmas lots of love from Grandma ....... and Grandad ...... where is the potential harm?

Estrangement may always be acceptable to the one estranging but shouldn't be expected to be acceptable to the one(s) being estranged.

I think you will need to justify why my perceptions would somehow be more coloured than anyone else's "Smileless" because I no longer bring my situation here or to any other discussion. It was brought here by you and others in an attempt to dismiss me

It won't work

As for sending a lifetime of birthday cards all at once, I fail to see a positive outcome from that... Especially if it is left in the will

Feelings could be hurt because they are unwanted or feelings could be hurt because there is no one to reach out to to thank. 2 potential causes of harm

VioletSky

Estrangement is always acceptable, no one is entitled to any relationship.

The question of whether estrangement is justified is different and the best way to avoid it is to remove the justification... That won't prevent all estrangements but it will prevent many

Abuse I think is the only valid reason to estrange.

If you don’t like your family then stay away yourself but don’t weaponise your children.

It’s unhealthy for them.

Perhaps your son is piggy in the middle that’s why he is lashing out at you simply because he can because his experience is you’ve always been there for him no matter what he did

That is a thought provoking point that may well be useful for the OP and others.

Granniesunite

Please don't describe my children as "weapons". They are not objects of any kind, they are people who deserve to have healthy relationships. All children have the right to remain free from harm and respect is due to any parent upholding that right

You did VS when you posted about their being no magic that can make an abusive parent a non abusive GP, and when you posted about your children making their own decisions about their GM.

No one has brought your situation here in an attempt to dismiss you. Statements like that simple make it difficult to engage with you

I can see that you fail to see anything positive in what EGP's are proposing to do, but we do see it as positive which is why we'll be doing it.

simply make

VioletSky

I think you will need to justify why my perceptions would somehow be more coloured than anyone else's "Smileless" because I no longer bring my situation here or to any other discussion. It was brought here by you and others in an attempt to dismiss me

It won't work

As for sending a lifetime of birthday cards all at once, I fail to see a positive outcome from that... Especially if it is left in the will

Feelings could be hurt because they are unwanted or feelings could be hurt because there is no one to reach out to to thank. 2 potential causes of harm

Yes feelings could be hurt. Or - the recipient could be overjoyed to know they weren't forgotten on their birthday. It could go either way but adults are entitled to know the truth and decide how they feel about it.
You are determined to see these memory boxes as unquestionably bad. They aren't.

VioletSky

Granniesunite

Please don't describe my children as "weapons". They are not objects of any kind, they are people who deserve to have healthy relationships. All children have the right to remain free from harm and respect is due to any parent upholding that right

Not fallin for that VS

I’ll go a step farther Violet. Estrangement can be love. Love for ones children and future generations that they aren’t exposed to and forced to recover from them experience do knowing certain relatives. Gone are the days of “oh they’re a horrible person but they’re grandpa !!” So we put up with them and visit that experience onto the next generation and thank goodness for that. Our children are grown , and when we walked away from our toxic family it was almost unheard of. And we were subjected to many “well yes she’s awful but it’s the grandma !” From well meaning. People. As if being a grandmother is a pass at being unwell and toxic. Thank goodness younger generations are learning to value their own worth more and the worth of their children that they can be spared such experiences.

Smileless2012

You did VS when you posted about their being no magic that can make an abusive parent a non abusive GP, and when you posted about your children making their own decisions about their GM.

No one has brought your situation here in an attempt to dismiss you. Statements like that simple make it difficult to engage with you

I can see that you fail to see anything positive in what EGP's are proposing to do, but we do see it as positive which is why we'll be doing it.

I did not bring my situation to the discussion, I did not mention my situation at all until people started using it as an attempt to dismiss me

But as I explained my situation is not relevant here anyway

Do you think this discussion could mature a little and you could give me some actual reasoned and logical arguments against what I am saying rather than trying to be personal?

You are of course free to do as you wish, whether you are considering the potential harm or not. If people's justifications for behaviour were always correct we would have nothing to discuss

Yes Granniesunite estrangement can be from love but it can also be from spite and vindictiveness.

Thankfully some of us can see there's a difference regardless of our own personal experiences. It's a pity that some can't.

Grams2five.As well as protecting children, parents do also need to be free from abuse to be good parents themselves I agree

Abuse is too easily a cycle that passes down through generations until someone cuts it off and says no more

I say again no one has tried to dismiss you VS. If I am wrong, then please quote the post or posts where this has happened.

I have given numerous reasoned and logical arguments to explain why I disagree with you. Please don't attempt to dismiss me by suggesting that my contributions to this discussion need to be more mature. It wont work.

Many people cannot see the problems with their own behaviour...

That is my point entirely

Because everything I have said has been to help people avoid harming their own family members and the response has been... Interesting

But I would suggest, if you don't want to listen to those of us here who are pointing out potential harm, to take the box to a qualified professional who can help you ensure it is appropriate