Gifts to GC when estranged

Of course AC need to be free from abuse in order to be good parents and break that cycle of abuse, which isn't easy to do, and those that manage to do so are to be admired.

Being a victim of abuse is no excuse for anyone who themselves abuses others.

No it is not

There is a lot of help available to ensure that people do not pass on unhealthy behaviours because being capable of recognising some does not mean all

Counselling

Reading material

Parenting courses

It's always best to do the work to ensure we are healthy and healed

Thank you VS but I don't need the advice from a qualified professional to tell me what is and is not appropriate for our GC's memory box, and am very confident that if advice was sought, the contents would meet with their approval.

Ok Smileless

Goodness VioletSky - you appear to consult qualified professionals or counsellors about absolutely everything! It's amazing the human race has thrived for so long without them. Try relying on yourself sometimes.

If my mother had got therapy I probably wouldn't have needed too

Many face this issue

Last post, I am a qualified professional.

Bridie22

Last post, I am a qualified professional.

Yup so are a few others on here including me, in relevant areas.

I am now wondering how anyone would track down a professional qualified in the contents of memory boxes. Perhaps they should also be consulted whenever we buy our children a present in case we get that wrong too

Oh no * eddie* I wasn't talking about memory boxes!
Are there "experts" on that? Certainly there may be different ideas and that can be helpful but in the end it has to be whatever each individual deems is right for them and for their GC or whoever they are leaving the box for. And on that they may be right or they may be wrong, and there is little that can be done about that except complete inaction!! Which is definitely not the answer for all whether GP, GC, AC or anyone else. There really is not just one answer, maybe principles to follow but even those depend on circumstances!

I meant relevant areas related to children, child psychology, dealing with childhood experiences as a child and as an adult and such like. Within the context of wider issues than that but also relevant to this discussion I think.

A good counsellor can help you process your feelings from estrangement and ensure those feelings don't impact decisions that affect others

I went to a wonderful Christian counselling service and it was means tested and it really helped me to separate my feelings from my decisions and be objective

Two key aspects to this I believe are common sense and knowing what the desired outcome of what we're going to do is, especially the latter.

With regard to the latter, what is it that those of us leaving our GC a memory box want to achieve? To let our GC know that we loved them and thought about them, especially on their birthdays and at Christmas.

For our GC to have something positive, not to remember us by because how can they remember us when they never knew us, but to know about us because who knows what they may have been told.

Common sense tells us that bemoaning our lot, saying how much we missed them and how miserable our lives were without them, would only have the potential to hurt them, as would any criticism of their parents.

A combination of the two ensures that nothing the box contains would cause any distress or harm to them or their parents, our EAC.

I managed to work that out without being a qualified professional or seeking advice from one .

A good counsellor can help you process your feelings from estrangement and ensure those feelings don't impact decisions that affect others

I agree VS. A good counsellor can and I am sure help many who are estranged in different contexts.

I agree too, with the emphasis on the counsellor being good, for anyone that feels they have the need for one.

VioletSky

A good counsellor can help you process your feelings from estrangement and ensure those feelings don't impact decisions that affect others

I went to a wonderful Christian counselling service and it was means tested and it really helped me to separate my feelings from my decisions and be objective

Indeed a good counsellor would be incredibly helpful here. Multiple failed attempts at trying to negotiate another adult's boundaries is a very good indicator of the need. It's good to have an objective party help you see beyond your own wants and needs.

It's good to see some agreement here.

Yes, good to see agreement.
Estrangement is incredibly painful for the estranged. A memory box may be helpful to the estranged GP, or indeed parent if a parent is estranged for some reason, and eventually might help the grandchild to know something of their grandparents and family history, because if the children never knew anything about their grandparents, they may well be curious later on. I often think they must ask why they don’t have grandparents, when they reach a certain age of understanding too. I really don’t know what their parents say to those enquiries.

I seriously do wonder though what these estranged grandparents have done that is so abusive that complete estrangement is considered the answer. Serious abuse would certainly be a good reason, but my experience of abused children, as a parent, grandparent, and teacher, is that the most abuse comes from parents and/or their partners, particularly when the partner is not the child’s natural parent.
My current observation is that my grandchildren are being supported by their mother and us. I’m seriously concerned about my daughter’s safety when we leave to return to England next week. My ex SiL assaulted my husband a few days ago, not seriously but enough to leave bad bruises and cause bleeding. We reported it to the police and it’s been noted.

maddyone

Yes, good to see agreement.
Estrangement is incredibly painful for the estranged. A memory box may be helpful to the estranged GP, or indeed parent if a parent is estranged for some reason, and eventually might help the grandchild to know something of their grandparents and family history, because if the children never knew anything about their grandparents, they may well be curious later on. I often think they must ask why they don’t have grandparents, when they reach a certain age of understanding too. I really don’t know what their parents say to those enquiries.

As someone who has raised children to adulthood and beyond while having long gone no contact with my in-laws , we told them the truth. My boys remembered the miserable in-laws but my daughters were either too young or born after we cut them off. When they’d occasionally ask why they only had one set of grandparents, or why their father didn’t have parents etc. we told them the truth, in an age appropriate way. “Your father does have parents, they’re just not very nice people” satisfied them for a long time on the VERY rare occasion they asked. When they reached more like puberty they got more - they’d weren’t respectful of our family, and didn’t treat your mother or your brothers kindly” though I suspect my sons filled in more of the details they recalled. By the time they reached adulthood I think one of them has asked once - in a decade of adult hood about them only to say “do we even know if they’re still alive “. So what do people say to those questions? I imagine some version of that. Kids may be curious but dont generally
Go on longing for grandparents they never knew, though perhaps it was helpful that mine had my own dear parents who were incredible grandparents and active in their lives

That's terrible maddy no wonder you're worried about your DD when you leave. Is there an equivalent to a restraining order in NZ that your D can have issued against him?

I don't think there are any EGP's who've posted who think that their GC long for them but it's reasonable to think they may be curious.

I posted earlier about a current tv program where adults are wanting to trace the men whose donated sperm was responsible for their conception. They're curious and a memory box from GP's never known, will go some way to alleviate curiosity if they want to view the content.

Questions should be answered in an age appropriate way. We didn't get on, there were a lot of arguments, we found them difficult to get along with etc. Is saying "they're just not very nice people" and appropriate response? IMO it isn't, just as an EGP leaving a message to their EGC that they never knew them because either of both of their parents aren't very nice.

wouldn't be appropriate.

The trouble with restraining orders is the person has to obey it. 🙁

Is there a way of getting her and the children back?
Have you spoken to the equivalent of women's aid and what do solicitors say?
I seem to remember you saying she can't leave the country but
if they can't get out, can they start again elsewhere?

Thinking of you. 💐

So very sorry to read this maddyone Horrible situation for you all.

I’m hoping the police and woman’s aid groups are involved in looking after your daughter and grandchildren.

Shout long and loud!

@SingoTime
You write such long winded , frankly very angry and factually incorrect replies . Try to chill out a bit - it would help you interact with others a lot better. That’s a bit of constructive advice for you . Hahaha!!!! Once more you make a ridiculous statement by stating that something is “ 10000%” …you really make me laugh . It simply is not possible for anything to be more than 100% !!!!!! Whilst angrily trying to get your points of view across, you immediately invalidate your position by making such a ridiculous mistake.