Is “ No Contact “ abuse ?

You've been through some really difficult times Nmama . Reading how you held your dad's hand when he died, brought tears to my eyes.

I understand you no longer wanting contact with your brother because of his massive cataclysmic ability to hurt (you) it's the fear that our ES could do so to me again which is why it's extremely unlikely what we could ever have contact again.

I agree. My parents estranged me for a while; it wasn't abuse. My brother telling me "I never want to hear from you again" was pretty hurtful, possibly abusive, but I think that responding cutting all contact with him isn't abusive; he's literally getting exactly what he asked for.

I agree that being cut off from contacting a beloved child isn't abuse. It's obviously painful and devastating, but it's not abuse. I also that if estranged people call no contact "abuse" doing so can be a way to grandstand and make themselves out to be innocent victims, especially if some of the reasons the other person is keeping a distance are pretty transparent.

I take it on face value - if someone says they don’t know why they’ve been estranged by someone else, I think they genuinely don’t know. Obviously there are exceptions and people know only too well the part they’ve played in their estrangement, but much, much more often insight into one’s own culpability all too easily escapes us. They’re not hiding a truth that would explain all, they, we, genuinely think we’ve always done the best we can. It’s just the way humans are made.

Nmama

^A whale of a post - but an interesting one!

I'm glad you and your son are now united again.

I'm the same Delila and respond to what I've been told.

Thanks for your kind comments. The truth is, the estrangement problems I've had have mostly been blips in a very happy life.

I absolutely agree. The torment on not understanding what is happening or why is so emotionally devastating. My twins, did this after leaving for college. It’s been 8 years and I still have no answers as to why or what happened. I’m leaning toward parental alienation from my ex because he and I always communicated well and once the kids went NC, he blocked me too. He passed away recently and my heart hurts for my AC but they seemed to have made up their minds and it doesn’t appear to be any hope for reconciliation (because I still don’t know what happened) I was just ghosted and blocked. It was horrible and I really thought I was going to die of a broken heart. I was in therapy for many years to pull myself out of the deep depression I fell into when this happened. I believe if someone would have just been willing to communicate with me regarding the issues, we could have discussed like rational adults. I always gave them that as they were growing up- great communication and understanding different perspectives. But I do consider what was done to me and my extended family as emotional abuse. I forgive them, but can’t forget. It’s like a never ending grief cycle you go through all the time. Never ending. I know my ex was mad about having to pay child support but that’s what happens when a divorce happens. I left him due to his chronic infidelity. I have been to the point of wanting to die because of being so heartbroken over losing them. I’m terrified that I might accidentally run into them when they come back to visit his family.

I'm so sorry that you are living with estrangement Torib . It is often referred too as a living bereavement because as you say, it's like a never ending grief cycle.

Living with the fear of accidentally running into them when they're visiting their father's family must be very stressful, We moved, and although we often return to the area where our ES still lives, this has never happened and as time has gone by, we've taken comfort in the belief that it's very unlikely it ever will. .

How awful for you Torib. Are they your only children? Have you reached out to them again. If you have not made contact in 8 years maybe you could try. A lot don’t because they think why should I I’m not at fault, it’s up to them, but they won’t be suffering we always care more than they do. You have to listen to how they feel and try to understand because it’s stalemate.
I did try but it was thrown back in my face, a long story, but I don’t regret trying, I would have tried to understand her problems because just because I don’t remember things as she did, it’s what she feels. The signs were there that she wasn’t happy with me. If I hadn’t tried I would have regretted it. My generation didn't judge our parents or estrange, you don’t always agree on everything, but the slightest thing now can trigger estrangement. I think it a very cowardly thing to the people that loved you most. If I had done it to my parents I couldn’t have lived with myself.