Strength after narcissistic abuse

I just have to say, I take my hat off to you brave lovely warriors! You are true survivors and I applaud you!

I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood, however it was clear my parents loved me, they just loved each other more.

I hope you’ve all found a way to cope, move on and feel at peace.

Kate1949, sago , VioletSky and everyone else who's life has been bound up with this - love to you all.
It often feels like I am living in a parallel universe, I cannot 'get over, come to terms or forgive' . If prefer to believe that my mother was mentally ill because if she wasn't her behaviour was truly horrific. I have crafted a life such as I can manage albeit small and safe and boring but I no longer search for answers to why it happened. Hope everyone can find peace x

My brothers and myself were witness to appalling behaviour by our parents. I don’t mean trivial stuff, shocking , appalling behaviour. My brothers took their own lives in their 20s so my parents certainly paid a price. For whatever reason I am incredibly strong as a human but I have zero expectations or boundaries where others have treated me. It’s my normal. Only those such as kate1949,Sago and others who have lived such a childhood know what a nightmare it is and how powerless children are. I think one needs to understand that the ability to have sex and any children born from that act does not make parents. It is an insult to proper parents to give them the title in my opinion. They are basically children who didn’t grow up apart from the ability to have sex. That’s how I view the two that had me. Just overgrown self centred irresponsible children.

Some of you have suffered so much, I feel that my childhood was a picnic compared to some of you.
I am amazed that you have all survived and become so strong.

Love to all of you too!

My dad never got on as well with me as he did with my 2 sisters. He died 5 yrs ago, it's really only now that I realise he was a narcissist, and he hated the fact he couldn't control me. My sisters always trod on eggshells around him, and brown nosed him too, I never did. And I feel that's why he treated me different. He also didn't like my now ex husband either, I also now realise it's because he couldn't control him either, wear as my sisters husbands where always the same as my sisters, they bowed down to his narc ways, he always needed to be the centre of attention, he had money and kind of used this to gain control in a roundabout way. Rather sad really, I'm glad I didn't let him suck me in.

I highly recommend watching on YouTube, Dr. Phil. He talks all about Narcissistic personality.
Fascinating, I certainly learned so much

Well done VioletSky - not easy. We are currently dealing with NPD and our youngest DiL. Hugely distressing. She has all the classic symptoms as defined by DSM 5th Ed. and clinical psychologists I have seen. Sadly we are now in the third period of being prevented from seeing our grandchildren in 5 years. Our son is a devoted Dad so trapped and is controlled, gaslighted and manipulated. It has made DH and myself ill. We are now stepping away for our own wellbeing but heart broken.

I'm so sorry OmaWal, we've been estranged from our son for 11 years and have never known our GC. It's heartbreaking and even harder when you find yourself in an 'on/off' situation, which is what you appear to be in.

It's horrible to think of your own child being trapped in a relationship where they're being manipulated, controlled and gas lighted.

Stepping away is so hard but sometimes the only option when your own well being is affected .

My daughter is the narcissist, she has kept dgds from us, left her father who had Terminal cancer on the doorstep who has since passed away and still no contact nor will she let dgds be in contact with me. Yet she told us she had a lovey childhood They are very nasty spiteful people.

Well done @VioletSky

We can forgive, Kate1949 but it isn't always easy and can sometimes take a long time. Putting distance between you and the perpetrator can help. Forgiveness, of course, doesn't mean accepting the bad behaviour of the other person or that the way they treated you is okay. It means letting it go and moving on. It's not always easy though. But it's to our own benefit to forgive if we can.

My mother is a narcissist through and through. Although not officially diagnosed that we know about, several professionals have pointed it out when dealing with her. I haven't estranged, narcissism is often thought to be something that is caused by something beyond the sufferer's control, but I have chosen to protect myself by seeing the problem and not buying into it. My mother is a damaged soul and has never been happy herself so I have a certain amount of sympathy for her plight. However, once I realised what I was dealing with, if I hadn't been able to take a step back emotionally, I would have estranged in a heart beat. The only thing I really regret is that I didn't see it earlier so I could have protected my first born.

keepingquiet, so true! 👍

Kate1949

What about physical abuse and neglect? How do we forgive that? Any ideas?

Those are 2 very different kettles of fish but similarly can only be dealt with by walking away.

Yet she told us she had a lovely childhood sometimes it's just impossible to make any sense of isn't Lindylous .

They really are the most damaging destructive people

I am deeply sorry for anyone who has had to deal with that

It is not known why narcissists become the way they are, there is speculation about potential issues such as a hereditary link, trauma in childhood, too much adoration in childhood or the makeup of the brain itself and how behaviour and thinking are connected

Experts think it might be prevented in some cases by dealing with childhood mental health issues early, being taught how to have positive relationships and parenting courses for the future

Until we know for certain the direct cause it is difficult to ensure this problem doesn't keep reoccurring in individuals

You are so right, Josie. Very few people with NPD are diagnosed as such, due to the reasons you state. I can find no evidence of what Ladysuise says. I have, however, read many articles stating that it is rarely diagnosed.

Well done Violet!

My mother was very controlling, violent and also neglectful. She told me I was useless and was very punitive.
I was afraid of her and disliked her to the point of hating her and had significantly distanced myself from her as soon as I could, after age 16. She died at age 59.

I went through many stages of grief. I was delighted she was gone then I had a lot of anger at the way I had been treated, then deep sadness that I had not had a loving childhood.

After years of therapy I realised that my mother's behaviour was a direct result of her own abuse from her mother and sad/ difficult life events.

The difficult part in this dynamic is to find the courage to stand up for yourself and make the break.

I now understand the concept of 'trans-generational wounding'.
When I think of my mother now I love her very much as she did the best she could with the knowledge she had and if she had known better she would have done better. She had 3 lovely children that she didn't and couldn't enjoy. How can a damaged and wounded person behave differently? I think she was a milder form of a narcissist.

Ladysuisei

Hello everyone on this thread - I read the article with interest . Actually when I opened the link I expected to see something from a medical paper or something similar.
This is piece of writing that’s been Goigled on line .
What worries me slightly is just how easily the word narcissist or narcissistic are bandied about possibly in the wrong context . Now whilst I realise that someone can display narcissistic traits , I feel the terminology could be interchangeable with , say , controlling, manipulative and various other words describing unpleasant qualities. My point is that someone who is a true narcissist is possibly suffering from narcissistic personality disorder which is quite a different thing from just being a bit unpleasant. Do any of these people who you refer to in this thread have such a medical diagnosis? Don’t you think it’s a tad unfair to give someone a label purely because you don’t particularly like them . Wouldn’t it be fairer to actually say something like “ I went NC from my really annoying controlling spiteful mother “ which is probably far more accurate than stating this person is mentally ill ? Doesn’t narcissistic sound so much more serious thereby making your case for estrangement appear to be a much more reasonable and valid one ? Can’t you just say we had a personality clash - I would suggest in most cases this is far more likely . Using terminology like narcissistic etc in such a cavalier fashion is extremely unfyto poor individuals who really do suffer from mental illness . It’s exactly the same as when people in total ignorance say they’re a “ bit OCD” . I can tell you being a bit OCD doesn’t exist, OCD ruins your life much in the same way as suffering from narcissistic personality disorder or even simply narcissistic traits . How do I know this you might ask - because my life is destroyed by OCD. and has been for the last 30 years .

I too suffer chronic OCD it’s been apart of my life since I was 9 yrs old, I have a friend who says (because she likes things matching) will say oh you know, it’s my OCD! I just tell her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. People think it’s over washing hands & checking but I have had every variation of it, to the point I think my head is going to explode. I have used that term to describe my mum to myself, I never felt loved as a child (three children), often left out, felt she loved the other two more, they both left to live in other cities & I was the home bird- now my parents are older, 80s, dad with dementia, I am the one looking after them- I am the one who she still takes her stresses out on- feel like I am trapped, I suffer depression, low self esteem, I do have a lovely partner/grandchild, step daughter (no children) but feel I spend no time with them & it’s coming between my partner & I, he feels I am at her beck & call. Not sure how I deal with it! I just feel like running away to be honest 😩

Excellent comment, Ladysuesie. Labelling someone without being qualified seems unnecessary; sufficient to say you feel the benefit of their absence from your life. One of my children no longer wants to have any contact, the other four are fine with me (warts and all!)

dr les carter on youtube is very insightful re dealing with narcissists.
his watchwords are, dignity, respect, civility, so that one is not reduced to the narc's standards. www.youtube.com/@SurvivingNarcissism

I am convinced of a hereditary link but firstly, hope I can encourage others to take this librating step, I cut off all contact with my narcissist mother in my mid 40's. It was distressing short term but long term? I'm free! No more worrying about her birthday- presents inevitably sent back as 'not good enough'. If the card was late due to the post, it got sent back unopened with 5 page letter of what a terrible, selfish, self centered daughter I was. Even if a card arrived in time, if I had put a 2nd class stamp on it, that was sent back as 'disrespectful'. Mother's Day usually raised the same histrionics and I walk past card displays, this time of year I fist pump with a 'yeah'. No more long missives detailing all my supposed faults.
I left home 2 weeks after my 16th birthday to escape. She threatened me with legal action to return but failed.
I hated her visits, absolutely draining mainly because she's jealous of everything I've experienced and achieved that she did not. University, high powered job, unconditional loving marriage.
My sister's wedding was the final straw, she boasted publicly about my achievements, one to one when no one could hear, what a failure I was.
That was enough, I walked away and she got the 5page letter, pointing out her problems. That was 17yrs ago. Never regretted it for a moment but I do grieve for a lost, loving childhood and the loss of good health due to an incurable illness I am convinced was triggered by her. And the amount of therapy I had to have to stop entering into abusive relationships as my esteem was so low, that was all I thought I deserved and familiar territory for me.
I remember her mother, a cold, stoney faced woman with not an ounce of love in her for her grandchild. I discovered a letter from her, she was threatening to spoil my mother's wedding day with some self generated drama. It all fitted together, made sense - typical narcissist behaviour handed down.
I was also contacted by unknown half relatives. Seems 'Granny' had had other children she dumped in the workhouse to marry 'Grandad'. I was delighted to discover my extended family but had to ask... 'any narc behaviours in the family?'.

Sure was!!

I too had a very controlling and abusive mother. It still affects me - for example, I am very hard on myself.
I don't think I had a "real" childhood as I was treated badly , not physical harm but emotional harm, often told I was a nasty person and that there was something wrong with me. Of course she was really describing herself.
I haven't forgiven her, though she is dead now, but I understand better why she was like this and I try to remind myself that she couldn't control herself and had to have an outlet.

Easier said than done Mt61 but what you need to do is to begin pulling back and being less available. Depending on the assistance and care you're currently providing, it may be possible for outside help to provide at least some of this.

Of course they'll need to agree, but if you explain that you're no longer able to help out as much as you have been doing, your mum will hopefully be open to your suggestion.

You need to take of you and this includes finding ways of managing your depression and low self esteem. You have a lovely partner and deserve to be able to spend as much time as you can with him and his family, as well as being there for your parents.